Feeling very alone

LegacyUser

I'm having a really hard time right now, and figured other people might be able to offer some advice.

I'm 22, in my final year of a degree I love (for the most part). Living at home with my parents and siblings. I have a great group of friends in college and my close group of friends from my school days. A few years ago I developed bulimia. I've had issues with my self-esteem since I was 13, and had messed around stupidly with disordered behaviours throughout my teens, in a very emo/woe-is-me type fashion. Never in my life did I think I'd become bulimic at age 19, when I felt happier than I ever had previously.

Anyway, long story short, I had one really tough year with it, followed by an improved, but not quite recovered year. I confided in 2 family members, and a close friend. I got some counselling, which was complete BS, but after trying out 3 different counsellors, I didn't really feel I could say yet another one wasn't working. So I lied and said she was helping me, and instead turned to exercise instead of vomiting. Something did click, and between the exercise and using CBT techniques I obtained from a book and the internet, I improved alot. Once a month I'd slip up, but nothing more. Having been vomiting daily for quite a while, I was happy enough.

Something that really bothers me, is that I've never had a boyfriend. I'm embarrassed even typing it. Even saying it I feel like I need to defend myself. I'm really sociable, I have plenty of friends, I'm smart, I'm a size 10, I don't leave the house without my make-up and hair done, I dress well. I tell myself all these things to try and console myself, but I'm still embarrassed. When I was younger, I didn't care as much because I knew I wasn't getting out enough, I was holding myself back. I was a late starter and it took alot for my to build my confidence. But this past couple of years, I'm getting out there. I go out with my friends all the time - I'm friendly and chatty and while I have my issues with how I look, I know that I'm decent looking. And I know I come across confident enough. There's plenty of random kisses, the odd number exchanged, but nothing ever comes of it. I know I'm only 22, I know there's loads of time left...but I'm missing out right now. And I'm lonely.
I'm SO close to some of my friends, but I just feel like I'm missing something. I want to feel special. And I hate myself for even saying that. I'm the girl that jokes about being alone forever, I'm always saying how I've no time for cheesiness and in ways it's true, but the reality is I don't want to admit how truly sad I am that I'm always alone.

I've gotten sidetracked. In the past few months my loneliness is bothering me more and more, and I'm starting to feel myself get quite low again. I've thrown up alot more in the last couple of months than I had been for the previous year. I can't seem to control my eating. My weight hasn't changed due to my balance with exercise, but I'm obsessing again. I'm also starting to get really paranoid that my friends don't like me, which is a sure fire sign for me that I'm not ok.

I can't talk to the few people who know my history. One has just recently moved to Oz, the other two are quite low themselves right now, and I find myself having to support them. On top of that, I'm worrying about everything at home. Between financial issues and sick family members, living at home is really stressful and depressing right now. I have the opportunity to move away for a few months later this year for a research project, and I feel so guilty at the thought of leaving them. But at the same time, I'm so unhappy here.

Reading back through this I feel stupid. I don't know how to convey how much I'm struggling right now. I can't help feeling there's something wrong with me, inside and out, that keeps me from meeting someone like everyone else does. I'm so ashamed by how much it bothers me, so ashamed that I'm slipping back into bad habits. I'm meant to be smarter than this. I'm hurting because I feel lonely, and there's nobody to talk to about it - I can't tell anyone else, everyone has their own stuff.

How do I get through this? Part of me just wants to slip back into it, because tbh, it's easier right now. It seems ridiculous, but right now I really need a shoulder to cry on. I literally just want to have a good cry and have someone tell me it's going to be alright, and there's nobody.

Taltos

Mod Note: Please no medical advice beyond that of seeking the appropriate care.

OP from our Charter:

Self harm
http://www.pieta.ie/ (self harm project )
http://www.bodywhys.ie/
http://www.eatingdisorders.ie/aboutus.htm

Torakx

Hey there.
Im sorry to hear your in a dark place right now in your head.
I know how easy it is to want to just slip back to old ways that used to be a comfort and distraction.
The fact you made such amazing progress tells me you are stronger than you make out.
Im impressed.

Dont feel like your letting yourself down.That makes it harder to pull yourself back out of that hole you will keep wanting to dig yourself into.
Remember where that path lies and it might help you to remember the progress you made with the exercise.

When you said about using exercise as a replacement,that really hit home with me.

Right now i am struggling with my own issues in my head and body.
Im finding just as you, that i can replace my bad habits with a good run.
Infact right now i am dressed to go out to the park and run myself into the ground to prevent me from stressing,overthinking about my situation and many other things,like giving up smoking,money problems etc etc.

One thing i remember is that i used to go really hard on myself when i was feeling low.Thats the start of a spiral into your old ways.
If you can try find ways to bring yourself up, i think it would be a great start.

If you need to talk here just to unload, you are completely anonymous!
Go for it! i just did earlier, got some really great responses and it helps us remind ourselves were not alone in this.Just out of contact with others who are having the same dark troubles inside.
Nothing wrong with having a good cry either.
If you need a virtual shoulder, i can lend you mine for a bit

ps, pets are a great shoulder to cry on if you have any..or just kidnap a dog if you see one on the street.they like most meats hehe

Sorry that was a joke..dont steal peoples dogs!

Get well soon.

msg11

I wouldn't look too much into not been a realationship at 22, there are plenty of people I know that are in the same situation, I'm the same age as yourself. Although I have been in relationships there has not been the one true love type of relationship, I do think about it and yes it dose get me down but it will come to me one day. In my experiences a nightclub is not the best place to find a partner.

Always remember, eat well, sleep well and look after yourself. Don't put yourself down either.

gosia_1

heh im 32 and And STILL joking about being lonely forever... CBT is as good as you believe in it, its all in the head anyway.
an arm to cry on will be there in most unexpected moment, im sure
I also need help but Im SURE that its up to ME to do things in life
take control of your life and dont let bulimie to control you
Raw vegan diet is a good solution too - your mood will improve , but its very restrictive.

I keep trying on and on and on .....