I need to face this

Mucky.Bucky

For the past couple of months I locked myself away. I was in a bad place mentally. With depression and possibly anxiety. I'm determined to beat this without any meds so I'm terrified of going to the doctor. My head is too melted for counselling. I am having good and bad days and ok days.

I need to start going out again, I mean socially. I do a lot of outings on my own like cinema, zoo, meals out, other random stuff which helps greatly. I need to start going out socially again for companionship etc how ever there is something holding me back.

I was involved with a person last year and we were orginally for a fcuk buddy situation. Only something like whenever you are around, or I'm around etc.

After the first couple of weeks though something happened. He started to deliver empty promises to me. I never had an illision that it would lead to anything more. I just thought, well that's very nice and kind of you. And I waited in suspense and waited......for nothing. He came back to propose meeting up again and I brought up the situation of his promises and given an excuse. His excuse left me with a false hope that maybe he would fulfill his promises but nothing came.

The whole thing left my head melted. I couldn't figure out was he genuine or not but I figured eventually that he wasn't and then I couldn't understand why he'd do such a thing. Offer gifts, just to not send them and pretend to lose it, and do nothing to fix it after annoying me. I don't know was it intential or not.

Slimeball.

I, in time transmitted my annoyance, frustration and black mind back at him at the source it came from. Just being a rude, disrespectful, cruel b1tch in messages and voicemails. Looking back I was so fcuked.

I harassed that man. What are people going to think of me? We have mutual acquainstances.

Torakx

Sorry to hear that.
It seems the big worry might be the social aspect for you?

Sounds like he has some issues and it sounds like you have some issues.
Different ones, but there all the same.
Maybe its best to cut your loses and focus on healing yourself.
If you feel guilty,you could always send him a message or speak to him and say you are having some personal problems and you didnt mean to vent on him the way you did.
You felt a little betrayed and may have over reacted...or something like that.
I mean that for your sake not so much his.

Even if you were right,it might be a good start to easing the overall social tension you might feel.
It might also help you find closure so you can forget about it and focus on yourself.

Also there are some threads on this forum that might have posts and comments which will inspire you or strike a cord.Might be worth having a quick read through some of them.

Hope you get better soon! Depression is something i have lived with for such a long time and i really really empathize with you there.

IrishEyes19

I wouldnt text him or say one word to him. Ok, you acted dramatically when he treated you badly, false promises ect. I agree its not the best course of action, but more people are guilty of it than are willing to admit. Hurt and confusion gets the better of us sometimes especially when you trust someone and they abuse that.

try to move on. if he's gossiping to his friends let him off. I know its worrying you, but they'll forget it eventually, though it feels like the end of the world, its not the biggest scandal around you'll be fine.

treat yourself, get back up and dust yourself down. I know a lot of people will say theres equal blame here for you getting upset. and although I dont condone it, people should have the guts to be straight forward and end it, rather than making empty promises and using you. wipe your slate clean and try and move on. all the best

Mucky.Bucky

Thanks for your replies. I hope others will be as understanding because really I'm not a monster.

Torakx wrote: »

Sorry to hear that.
It seems the big worry might be the social aspect for you?

Sounds like he has some issues and it sounds like you have some issues.
Different ones, but there all the same.
Maybe its best to cut your loses and focus on healing yourself.
If you feel guilty,you could always send him a message or speak to him and say you are having some personal problems and you didnt mean to vent on him the way you did.
You felt a little betrayed and may have over reacted...or something like that.
I mean that for your sake not so much his.

Even if you were right,it might be a good start to easing the overall social tension you might feel.
It might also help you find closure so you can forget about it and focus on yourself.

Also there are some threads on this forum that might have posts and comments which will inspire you or strike a cord.Might be worth having a quick read through some of them.

Hope you get better soon! Depression is something i have lived with for such a long time and i really really empathize with you there.

I don't know what his issues were.

With me, there I was with a situation with someone who annoyed and disappointed me with his lack of actions and I was given an excuse which gave me a false hope. I tried to make sense and understand it but I couldn't because it was followed up with no corrective actions, absolutely zilch.

In time I became pessimistic about the situation and to be honest all signs pointed to say he strung me along with a lie. This led me into a downward spiral. I couldn't make heads nor tails of the situation or him (long gone now, thank God). I began being a mean b1tch showing him absolutely no respect. This has led to an anxiety which is holding me back right now socially. It's something I regret so much. I never set out to cause him grief.

I would have had short depressive spells in the past but I was able to identify where it stemmed from and make changes so spells never lasted long. This has been the longest spell lasting for months with my mood up and down. Some bad, bleak spells. Some ok and good ones.

Last couple of days has been ok but have plenty of anxiety hanging in the background.

Torakx

Anxiety over this issue involving this guy..or is it more of a general anxiety that cant be related to anything in particular?

I know with myself when i had a breakdown and during the years after,
i had issues that i could blame my depression and anxiety on to a certain extent.
But now that i am eating very healthy and exercising i noticed that these issues were not the cause.
Maybe nothing like your situation though,its never easy to tell with ourselves.So much can be going on we arent aware of.
Hindsight's a wonderful thing lol

dellas1979

You seemed to have formed some sort of attachment or trust with him, but he didnt reciprocate. You got angry, and now you are annoyed with yourself for being annoyed and what you did (your actions). Maybe you are annoyed with yourself because you lost some sort of contol with your emotions (getting attached to a man who wasnt interested) and then lashing out.

You did what you did. You cant change it. I would not contact this person again. It would do no favours to you. It you you need to think of, not him. You can accept what happened, and learn from it, and forgive yourself.

Mucky.Bucky

Torakx wrote: »

Anxiety over this issue involving this guy..or is it more of a general anxiety that cant be related to anything in particular?

I know with myself when i had a breakdown and during the years after,
i had issues that i could blame my depression and anxiety on to a certain extent.
But now that i am eating very healthy and exercising i noticed that these issues were not the cause.
Maybe nothing like your situation though,its never easy to tell with ourselves.So much can be going on we arent aware of.
Hindsight's a wonderful thing lol

Anxiety over the way I handled the situation. My diet has gone to hell since last autumn - not eating properly and skipping meals and lack of appetite but putting on weight too. Definately has a part to play in it I think. It was recently recommended and suggested to me to get my thyroid checked.

Mucky.Bucky

I found a piece online about bunny boilers: http://thesecretlifeofadivorcee.blogspot.com/2011/06/what-turns-people-into-bunny-boilers.html?m=1

Kinda bringing a little comfort but still pretty sickened with myself.

daisybelle2008

Mucky.Bucky wrote: »

Anxiety over the way I handled the situation. My diet has gone to hell since last autumn - not eating properly and skipping meals and lack of appetite but putting on weight too. Definately has a part to play in it I think. It was recently recommended and suggested to me to get my thyroid checked.

Yeah you could get your thyroid checked. But you should also reconsider going to counselling. I would say that should be your priority. I know you say your head is too melted for it, but that is surely a sign you need it.

You seem very confused and unhealthily fixated on this situation with the guy. You are all over the place about it.

You veer wildly between justifying your actions on the basis of his treatment of you and then being remorseful and regretting them.

To be honest I would try to put the situation with him aside and first talk to your GP about your mental health (not just your thyroid).

Ask your GP for a referral not just a script for meds. Maybe CBT etc.