Introverted issues.

Torakx

Hey,
I recently found this forum and figured since i have been posting my thoughts to help others,i should also take the time to invite some advice my way too.
Cant say i will take it as i dont commit to something very easy.But if i can visualise myself doing it and it seems atainable i just might.

Ive been physically ill for a very long time now.Its effected my head and made me more introverted than i was as a teenager.
This has its bonuses in that i know myself very well, but i am noticing that now i am getting better the introversion isnt so easy to shake off.
I enjoy my own company way too much.

I dont mind that aspect of my life.
I actually enjoy my time alone,lol i am my own best friend in a way.
And have a fierce independant and stubborn streak.

The problem is when i do want to be social it seems all my friends which is not a great number anyway(i keep possible new friends at a distance),seem to be massive talkers.
Ok, one likes to drink and the other has a certain disorder which prevents him from noticing that the other person is not attentive at all.

Ive always been told i am great to talk to and alot of people have told me i should be a counselor.
But it just feels like every time i sit in a room with them they latch onto me and start using me to unload...or just talk about whatever they are into.
If i try to talk or give my point of view its like i can just get a few words in and then they cant wait to start talking again.Not always as my advice is sometimes taken,but it FEELS like this overall.
Its lead to me distancing myself from them.

Ive tried hanging out with their friends,but to be honest, sitting around and talking about tv shows,music and xbox games doesnt do it for me.
Im more drawn to deeper conversations and things alot more substantial.
Or outdoor activities.
Im pretty broke since being ill has lead to me being unemployed and unable to go outside much.
This is slowly clearing up although i am close to being a celiac which makes long periods away from home very scary when i need to watch my diet and eat only protein and veg whole foods.
Its a temporary situation IF i can keep the diet going as is.

Basically i am looking for ideas on how i can re-learn to be social again and make new friends who i have more in common with.

Money issues prevent me from starting mma training for a hobby and many other things id like to do.
I cant drink alcohol or anything really.mostly water.

Hobbies right now are reading,running,conspiracy theories and general speculation on life,philosophical type conversations.Chess i suppose too if i could find someone who plays that i get along with.

Im not a group person,it tends to drain me quite alot,as i take in my enviornment quite alot(many times considering myself at the same time from a 3rd perspective and how i look to other people) and the more people, the more information i get overloaded with.
I could be sitting with a group and while people are talking i would be listening and at the same time considering wether one person notices that other person doing this and if they knew that was happening,how would they process that information in their head and how would it appear from their perspective.
This all happens regularly and lasts for a few seconds before i notice something else in the room happening that nobody is aware of.
Its the same when im outside.I will spot everything on the street that people around me seem to miss.
I used to be agoraphobic due to this illness,maybe it is because of an underlying fear that i am so tuned into my enviornment.

Or somebody will say something and i will notice an expression that told me they were bullsh1tting,but nobody see's it and i just let them away with it,because it seems disrespectful to embarrass someone infront of a group.
People then think i dont see when their lying,when in fact i see it all and just dont call them on their bodylanguage.

Anyway i need some ideas or direction.
Maybe something i can do outside that brings me in contact with one person here or there that wont require me to spend money on. Food,which is my medicine, is what i need to focus on right now regarding money spending.

So......i dont know lol

Im a bit lost to finding this solution as the problem isnt so clear to me when i have been so close to the issue for so long.

Im not really lonely..i just feel like i should be more social or i will end up with a girlfriend and not having many friends aside from her to break things up and appear normal for her sake.Or to give me some space.

When i had GF's this didnt seem to be an issue as they just wanted to hang out with me most of the time anyway(and id visit a friend once a week to give them some space..which made them jealous!).But it seems i should have a social network going now i have reached my 30's.

Sorry its a long ass post haha
I have an issue explaining myself cleary, as i always feel there is no such thing as enough info.

Thanks for reading!
If all else fails, i at least had a chance to vent

ps.i could write another 20 posts this long and still want to expand to give a clearer picture haha!
So much more to my personality and problems than what i have written.

LegacyUser

Hey man,

Was just lurking there reading your story and although I might not have any advice I am in a similar situation and maybe we can cathartically resolve some issues.

I guess I’ll start with a short synopsis of my story. I guess it really all came to a head about three years ago. I was a regular weed smoker and over time I’d began isolating myself more and more and contemplating life, the world and myself. I became more introverted as time went by, getting lost, like you, in conspiracy theories and politics etc. So about three years ago I started a new job in a shop with just me and another girl. She was a lot younger than me but we hit it off and as she was a smoker too we had a that in common.

So we became close and started to hang out together and that’s where I met all her friends, at house parties etc. Now this was when I started to notice my introvetness(? Lol) causing problems. In large groups it was almost like I had information overload. Like you I am aware of things around me, what people say, how a leaf falls, birds singing just for me etc lol. Now at this time I fell head over heals for this girl and did some pretty embarrassing things in vain attempts at romance, even while she was dating other guys. Now I’ve pretty much resolved these things with myself but I am a thinker and they can pop up from time to time.

I should also mention that my father was seriously ill and past away around this time, which I avoided, even getting high the day of his removal and staying in bed. My boss at the time was on to me constantly, that girls was always on my mind and she defo messed with me a bit, for attention etc and with my dad dying that August I was under extreme stress. Around Christmas/new tear 2009 I believe I had a complete mental breakdown.

Now I was able to function on some autonomous level and still go to work, but now I realise that I was in the early stages of schizophrenia. This is completely self diagnosed, I’ve never been to a shrink but I’ve read up on it and I’m pretty much positive. I then got made redundant in May 2010 and have been unemployed since, trying to get my head together. Around that time I decided to give up weed as it was harder to control my thoughts when stoned. I often wonder if a persons thoughts are actually their own but that’s a discussion for another time. Since then I’ve made progress with my family and we all get on well now. They never mentioned my no show at the removal but have said they understand that I had my own issues to deal with and are happy to see me doing better. They’ve been great.

So having been almost a recluse for the last two years I feel it’s time to get back on track. I probably have three good friends. Two I see irregularly and one I’d see most weeks. I’d call up toi his flat and have some tins playing xbox. He’s agoraphobic and gets panic attacks in crowded areas. Real nice guy though. I guess the old adage of “birds of a feather flock together” is true, or at least has some truth in it. Maybe you can tell a lot about someone by the company they keep.

Like yourself I could probably write a book at this stage loll but I’ll try and tie this up now. Your post struck a chord with me and I guess I have a somewhat positive outlook in that I believe to truly find yourself you have to get lost first. Was watching a documentary last week about a hostage situation in Brazil and during an interview with the hostage takers “adopted mother” she said something which has stuck with me since. The hostage taker had been talking to her about all his plans for the future and she said to him, “If you struggle, you’ll make it”. A beautiful sentiment.

Anyway, hope all works out for you and I’ll leave you with another quote which has stayed with me over the years, “If the final step on your road is good, then every step before it, even if it was bad, will also be good”.

Torakx

Thanks for that post!
My net crashed as i tried to reply.I for a second thought we had both posted so much text that we broke the internet

Your comments were well recieved anyway.Alot of what you said struck a cord with me too and although it might seem obvious im not the only one like this, its very comforting to hear your story.
I think your right about birds of a feather flocking together

Im always saying to myself to just try be social in baby steps.
I think its taking the first few that is the hardst part.
Im worried if i get close to others i will have loads more people wanting to see me and i will not have enough energy to give to everyone.

I wonder is it unhealthy for me to just seek people who are like myself and do not need to talk for the sake of filling the air with words.

I like a good convo,but its just nice sometimes to chill and enjoy the moment..maybe im too chill?

Dont know about you but for me sports is my way to socialise.
I wa sinvited to a soccer game a while back.Only knew about half of the guys there at most,but i fitted in like i was a regular and it was great.Hi fives and all haha.Even sitting after and just chatting with some people.

Thng is this only happens when i play sports.
Im starting to think that half the battle will be just getting my mind to calm down.
If i am not absolutely wrecked from running or soccer and i am in a group my mind gets bored really fast and maybe looks for somethign to do.

Any suggestions for adressing that from anyone are very welcome.Ive tried meditation,but i maybe have too much energy or something.

ps, im also attempting to quit tobacco and taking a break from weed aswell.
Quiting has been pretty easy when i am not bored.Soon as i find i have nothing to do, my mind starts going active and i start thinking about a spliff to calm it down a bit.
It has helped me relax in groups but also makes me more openminded/creative and i can go off thinking in tangents.

Im guessing thats where your idea of schizophrenia originates from,its been known to be closely related to very high creativity.Something weed is useful for.

LegacyUser

Yeah I understand where you’re coming from. Weed definitely opened up a more creative side to me as well. I used to be into writing a bit and had just taken up the guitar and practising now I don’t seem as good, even though I’m a lot better, than when I was smoking. It sort of frees up the mind a bit to take inspiration form the “ether”. But I also think it lets in things not so desirable, it’s got to maintain the balance I suppose.

The thing about me and meeting people is that, like you, I’m pretty chilled out and easy going. Getting stressed, overly emotional or angry etc escalates my symptoms so I try and chose my friends carefully because I don’t want to be dragged into unnecessary drama that some people seem to enjoy. Soap opera lives are not good for my head lol. I like to stay on an even keel if possible and other people can complicate things. Well that’s how I feel at the moment anyway. I think, for me, that’s the draining part.

I’ve a pretty active mind also, but that comes with it’s own pros and cons. I can see things in a different way I suppose, outside the box if you will and the world is a very strange place. It’s almost a contradiction in itself and I find it hard to understand at times. I try not to focus too much on it anymore, maybe in time, who knows. I suppose the cons are that I can over think situations and make more of things than they are. What I will say I have learned is that nobody can do anything to you that you don’t let them do. I’ve thought back on the times someone wronged me or hurt me etc and come to the conclusion that some people will do what they can get away with, getting one over on you for their own ego boost. I’m very guarded now about who to let in, not ideal, but it’s easier, although I haven’t given up hope of meeting someone with the same outlook as myself, and infact, believe I deserve it.

With regard to schizophrenia, I would say I was a fairly high achiever in my early school years. Was always top of the class in most subjects until the teenage rebellion kicked in and I fell in with the wrong crowd and started taking drugs. Altough saying that I did get my life together in my early twenties and had some fairly good paying jobs. As I say I’m in my early thirties now and these issues were maybe brewing for the last five/six years and then a perfect storm just set the wheel in motion. I don’t really believe in coincidence, I think everything happens for a reason and although I couldn’t see it at the time I think the things I’ve gone through have been needed to get where I am. If you know what I mean lol.

gud4u

hi,
I nearly feel like I'm crashing your buzz here, but if you don't mind i'd like to add a couple of things for you both.

I can identify with you both on some things, seeing stuff others don't, people opening up and dumping themselves on you and what I have learned are energy robbers.

Energy robbers are not aware they are doing it so all you can do is protect yourself by guarding your own energy. If your imagination is overactive, write, paint, run or do what ever you can to express it.

Don't put too much trust in self diagnosis, especially schizophrenia, this is a serious condition that requires medical attention. That said, I appear to have Autistic/Aspergers traits, but I try not to think of them as it is only Dr. Google that I have consulted.

With regard to socialising more, you both have a few friends and good ones. That's more than most people. To have one good friend is a tresure, more is a chest. I have 2 really good friends who accept me as I am, quirks and all. Anyone I socialise with after that, I don't try to hard with, small talk and politeness.

I am currently exhausted from trying to hold my real self in after starting a new job. I'm there 5 weeks now and they are starting to see my little quirks. The boss txt me after work to make sure I had done something he asked, I said I did and he txted back, great, I can sleep so. He's getting to know I have no memory bank.

People say I'm 'mad' followed up with 'in a good way' this drives me nuts, as I think they are mad because they can't see the world as I do.

Sorry for waffling, what I'm saying is, socialising may always be hard but you can start slow by joining a few free groups like running for Torakx, maybe you could do the same I R ETC. A pet like a dog, has brought me to groups such as free dog walking groups. Summer 2010, I couldn't even walk on the local beach thinking I was being looked at, I eventually went back and spent the first few times just walking and saying 'no ones looking at you' in my head. I also have a history of drink/drugs which didn't help the old paranoia. I'm nearly teetotal now, just drinking with a couple of people at a time. It gets out of control in a group.

Get involved in a charity if you have the time. Or just get out in public and make small talk with sales assistants as you pay for stuff etc.

Local community services sometimes have counselors for free, mine does, and after a few bad experiences with counselors I paid a lot for, the free one was the best.

Sometimes, I feel truly unhuman, I feel the mental anguish I suffer in this life will only be extinguished when I get home.

Torakx

Your not crashing our buzz hehe.
Some good points there too,thanks!

I have thought about volunteering for the homeless.Its one of the things that really tugs on my heartstrings.
I think im afraid to get involved though.
Im worried i might back out after starting or something and feel even worse about the experience then.
Also if i ahev not got a picture in my head of how it will be when im there i feel very unsure about it.I dont like suprises at all,a habit from my agrophobic days.

I got a medical application form around january at the latest.I have just recently filled in most of it maybe 5 days ago.
It might be another few days or weeks before i manage to get into a doctors office and try hassle them to sign the damn thing so i can then wait a few more weeks to send it.
I have a tooth that may go septic any day so i kinda need it badly.

Just an example of why i am worried about volunteering or joining groups..But i think i still need to somehow aswell for my own good.

Do you think in my case one of those counselors would be helpful and is it possible to get a 1 on 1 from the medical card instead of group sessions?

By the way i have a friend who is aspie and it has been a good experience,in that i get to see the world through his eyes and that has helped me change some perspectives of mine over the years.
Ok ive lost the habit of shaking hands with people lol but i understand the reasoning behind that.I respect the logic most of the time.

If you are a bit mad i would celebrate it.I like to be around people who are "mad" or different because they tend to be the most open minded and least judgemental.Thats a gift alot people do not posess

To I R etc
Its funny but you display alot of the same characteristics as me.Its nearly uncanny lol
Was like reading my own diary at times.

gud4u

Maybe you're not real Torakz and just a subsidary of I R Etc pychosis:eek: JOKING HERE

Definately go with the volunteer work and remember you can choose what you picute it to be, so make it a picture you can manage. If it doesn't work out at least you'll have tried.

Maybe you can't answer this but is it a med card you're applying for or disability, as if it's the latter you can't do voluntary work without an exemption.

Little steps, you'll get there.

Torakx

lol ive considered i might be a hologram alright :P

And i mean a literal picture too.
If someone is talking to me online via text.sometimes i will ask things like, what colour the walls are,how many windows.Id want to see in my head certain things so i can remember the conversation and their name.
I remember peoples names by putting them into pictures in my head.And it tends to help me remember some very small details that suprises some people.
Its handy that way but annoying when i dont have visuals.Probably why i hate using the phone.

I dont remember I R etc's nick or yours because i havent attached a picture yet lol..i have to relook if i want to type it.
So if i wish to visualise working as a volunteer,i will be wanting to know literally everything i can from the setup,what i will be doing(and picture it hapening in my head) the colours everywhere,how many people,how much space,where the exits are LOL
Thing is im ussually fine once i get myself inot a situation,usually by accident.Its just i over think too much and i think in visuals.

Im on jobseekers,i dont want to go on disability as im hoping to get sorted before that is an issue.And maybe go to college on a government scheme.
Im trying to get a medical card for that tooth mainly.
I dont use doctors anymore,unless i have a specific test i need done.

Thanks for all the replies so far.Its been very helpful.

LegacyUser

Hey Gud4u, no buzz to crash you’re more than welcome, Energy robbers eh, I like that. I guess if you think about vampires and replace blood with energy you might be on to something lol. And don’t worry too much about my self diagnosis. I don’t. I just chose not to seek professional help because I’d only got off drugs and getting myself out of the clouds and I didn’t want different ones to send me back lol. Anyway, who knows what they called it hundreds of years ago or what it’ll be called in hundreds of years time but today, going by DSM they’d say I’m schizophrenic. I’ve researched a fair bit on Psychology /Psychiatry/ Philosophy so I’m alright with it. Anyway I’ve found music to be best treatment. I don’t know if he was a sufferer but “Everybody’s Talking” by Harry Nillson is the closest I’ve come to someone singing about it. Wrote a song with some of the lyrics, it’s kinda personal but I like playing it.

I’m not too worried about socialising more tbh. I did all that back in the day. At the moment if I need to let loose I’ve a few friends to call. I prefer to be on my own most of the time, as Torakx said, it gets draining after awhile. Now don’t get me wrong, some company of the female kind would be very desirable lol, hopefully I’ll find someone to peacefully orbit with in the future. There’s always hope.

I’ve pretty much given up trying to get people to see my view of the world, not exasperated, just resigned. What is reality only interpretation of phenomena anyway. In fact, what is reality. Our best minds don’t know so what chance to us mere mortals expect lol.

As I said, I pretty much spend my time playing guitar, visiting friends and family or by myself trying “to come round to myself” lol. Life is just a journey and no one can walk your path, you can only see the signs.

I remember reading a book bout a guy with aspergers. He had some serious skills like memorising Pi to 1000’s deci points and learnt Finnish in like a week. He had social\interaction problems though. Maybe you’ve got a unique talent in something, maybe dormant that you don’t even know about. Be exciting to find it.

@ Torakx

Me too man, but maybe there are plenty like us, just were more vocal. Anyway, I’ll give you a couple of my fave songs that have helped me along the way.

Paul Carrick (Mike and the Mechanics) – Eyes of blue
UFO – Crystal light
Russell Watson – Faith of the heart
James Taylor – Carolina in my mind/You’ve got a friend
Mary J. Blige – one (took it where bono couldn’t lol)

Taltos

Just a word of caution - please leave diagnoses to the professionals. It is against our site rules to request/give diagnoses, or treatments.

medical or professional advice
As per the site rules http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/faq.p...nes_medicalpro

I know we have not breached the above yet, just want to be clear to ensure we stay on the right side of the line with this one.

Thanks
Taltos

Torakx

Yeah we should probably not start putting too much interpretation on our symptms ,lest Taltos brings down the hammer
I tend to write too much and stuff slips out that is sometimes bordering that line.

I know what you mean about music too though.
I did alot of reading about N.L.P after i had been digging around in psychology for a year or so.
It helped me to get outside when i was agoraphobic.

I decided i would buy myself something nice to encourage me to go out.
So i bought a mobile phone with a good mp3 player.
I think I focused my thoughts on this and mentally anchored the mobile phone/mp3 to the idea of me going outside.
Ive been told that N.L.P is a hoax..but the results speak for themselves,even if it is some kind of placebo its a good tool for getting the ball rolling with recovering i feel.

Now i have no problem going out at all.
For the first few months i needed the phone for the music so i could cut off some of my senses and focus on the music as i walked.
Even when my phone had to be repaired i stopped jogging in the park and went out less lol

But now that was a half a year ago and i can do it either way.Its just much more comfortable when i can listen to music.

I still tend to brisk walk when outside and i think thats still some left over nerves.

Also i dont really fear big crowds once i know the exits.But i dont like being in crowds with friends or family.Because when im alone i am very confident.I only need to worry about myself and do not need to say goodbye or worry about awkward social interactions and the tangents of thoughts while with other people and considering them all the time for the tiniest details.

Alone i feel much stronger and safer.
I guess because i know i am fairly fit,at the end of the day if i was attacked or something bad happened i know i will be safe(or at least confident) and my friends family arent there to worry about.

This could maybe say alot about me.
When i went clubbing alot i would not get up to dance with my friends.
But i could dance if i went away from them and entered the dancefloor where they couldnt see me.
I would then ease my way over to them from the other side and i would be fine then and put them all to shame by dancing nearly all the rest of the night.

Seems i am afraid of being shamed or something infornt of people i know.
I have a theory on that too.

When i was about 12 i was with 4 or 5 friends kicking a ball around.
Before we started i was doing some kickups and a friend was tying his laces.The ball bounced off his foot by accident and he went insane jumped on me cursing with a really angry expression,like id killed his dog or something.
Then they all walked away laughing.
It was partly his parents fault as they were prejudice against my religion(which i got alot of hassle over in my estate,generally).It probably wore off on him and as a child i would not have really known about it.

Is it possible i am afraid of being embarrassed in groups i know because of that incident long ago?

And if so how can that be fixed?
That fact i have that picture in my head still, might mean it effects me alot more than i think.

Oh and my mother used to listen to James Taylor alot.I know that song well

LegacyUser

Yeah James Taylor is my favorite artist at the minute. He has a very interesting story too. Left home as a young man to New York, gigging and partying. He got addicted to heroin and spent time institutionalized for depression. I guess I empathise with him in what he went through. And it’s not as if he came from an impoverished background either. His father was a lecturer in Medicine at a well to do University. I guess some people are more sensitive to the world around them and sometimes it’s easier to run away, with drugs, drink or whatever.

I think such sensitivities would be prevalent in mental health issues too. Some might call it a weakness or fragility but I don’t think caring for your fellow man and becoming despondent at the ugliness of the world and how we treat each other should be considered a weakness. It’s the road less traveled really, where living in denial isn’t an option. I like listening to alternative historians and psychologists and have heard the phrase “smiling depressive” used to describe this world and I think there’s some truth in it too.

That memory you recall I’m sure effected to in some way, you still remember it after all this time. But they say the sub-conscious remembers everything so am sure that every experience we have effects our future no matter how minute. And I don’t think you’re so different than all of us when you say you avoid being shamed in public. We all do that. Heaven forbid our mask should slip and the ego projection is not as confident or together as it would like to be. Pride comes before a fall after all. Some alt historians I’ve followed believe the ego to be a defense mechanism created by the human psyche after some huge trauma, like a flood for instance, that severed us from a more spiritual path. I’d give some credence to it but it’s still pretty out there.

Lol I never leave home without the head phones in and I always walk briskly. I’ve tried to slow myself down but it doesn’t feel as natural so I just hoof on now, don’t think about it lol. I like staying in my flat too, a mans home is his castle after all. I can still get paranoid at times too if I hear strange noises or such but that might be common anyway. Thanks for starting the thread man, when you can feel a little abnormal (positively) it’s good to you you’re not the only one.