Relationship has ruined my self esteem and confidence

LegacyUser

I was seeing a girl for 2 years, we’ve been split up about 9 months now. I’d like to think I’ve moved on but I think I’ve been permanently scarred by the relationship. It started off great for the first year or so, we were living in different places so seeing each other every month or two. I was happy and busy in my own life and things were good. Then one weekend she was with me she hooked up with a friend of a friend behind my back, snogged him that is. At the time she was 34, I was 30, even though it sounds like teenage behavior.

Anyway after this I was obviously shook up and I didn’t know what to do but through tears, begging, blaming alcohol etc I agreed that we could make it work. It was never quite the same after that though as I became clingy and worried about where she was and constantly upset when I hadn’t heard from her. It became like an addiction. I remember getting texts messages after I had been left hanging for a while felt like a line of cocaine, it would just give me a lift and I’d be happy, briefly. This went on for a bit and I was led to believe we were going somewhere even though she never mentioned love, just said things like “I’m not as sure of my feelings as you are”. This after 1.5 years.

Looking back now I know I was stupid, she was never into me and was with me for reasons I’ll never know. Eventually we were living closer together and after a couple of months of this she dumped me. She had been showing zero interest in sex, mentioning that we were best friends, and this was freaking me out so she eventually dumped me and said she couldn’t do it anymore. She didn’t fancy me.

I was gutted. I managed to cut all contact after a bit of pleading etc, which I am so ashamed of now. I have ignored any texts she’s sent me since, all 2 of them, and I never want to see her or talk to her again. I am so ashamed of how pathetic I became, putting her on a pedestal, taking her back after she cheated on me, pleading for her not to break up with me. I just feel like a total loser. I read about these “nice guys” who really are pathetic messes and insecure and that’s how I was with her. That’s how she thinks of me. I can’t get rid of this feeling.

I used to be fine with women, I could hook up have fun regularly. Since her there hasn’t even been a kiss, this is very unusual for me. I’m completely out of the game and I don’t know where my head is at. I feel like a loser and that no one will ever have any interest.
How can I get back to my old self? One thing I’ve learned from this is to never lose yourself in a relationship or put someone on a pedestal. Thanks for reading guys.

edellc

Dont beat yourself up you fell in love and expected love in return, you thought that your relationship was going somewhere and who wouldnt you where both in your 30's, so it ended and you feel like you behaved like a pathetic mess, which you probably did but there is nothing you can do about that now....She is out of your life and your out of her's its good to keep it that way

As for now and the future well only you have the power to change that..maybe sounds silly but sometimes if I really need to I write down what is annoying me, scrunch it up into a ball when I am ready and burn it or throw it out

You shouldnt let this rule how you are in future relationships or how you treat women believe me we are not all bitches, and nobody should be put on a pedestal we are all equals nobody is better than anybody else, you need to find you again and only you know how to do this...forget about looking for a new relationship go out with the lads have a laugh and find you, we all know that you end up finding the one when your not looking

peace and love OP x

Torakx

I just wanted to say there are many ways to look at the past.
You can remember it and fear a recurrance.
Another way is to appreciate any important lessons learned and try to see it in a positive light.

My best explanations are always through my own experiences i think.

I had a severe mental breakdown years ago when i was in my early twenties.
My depression took me so low i wanted to just not exist.
Now that i have recovered i have the choice to look back and regret maybe 10 years of depression and illness.
Instead i have learned to see everything that felt bad in the past as a positive or giving me somethign positive.
I got this idea from the philosphies of the east where ying and yang is well known and represents balance.In that to experience the good you need to also experience the "bad".

For me now there is no good or bad.JUst IS.
Now my depression has taught me just how strong ican be to have survived that eperience.
It makes me feel stronger because of the idea that i learn from the past and all clouds have a silver lining.

Dont know if thats any help right now.
But in the long run it is what has kept my spirits high and given me the will to push through and work on these issues.

The best advice here imo was to go out with your friends and just get to know yuorself again.Be selfish and love yourself more.
Dont foget the past,but try to forgive at the same time if possible.

Worked for me anyway.
Hope you find your way back soon.

Anny Hall

Hi OP,

Don't beat yourself up over how you behaved during break up, or before taking her back etc. That's all in the past. Break ups are never easy, emotions run high and we often behave in dramatic fashion that after the event can make us feel ashamed. I have certainly cringed at some of my behaviour during break ups after the fact. But we have all been there and makes us human.

Sounds like this girl was playing mind games with you, the classic push pull routine, which wrecks your head and leaves you confused as to where you stand. With this confusion you start to turn on and doubt yourself and become grateful for whatever scraps are thrown your way by the other person. She cheated on you and you perhaps read that as not being good enough, took her back to prove you were and then she rejects you. So on top of all the confusion you have the pain of rejection. Am not surprised your self esteem has taken a dive. She treated you like dirt.

Op you fell for the wrong person. Dont make this about you, this is her crap. Her behavior was appalling but, she is obviously a damaged person. Don't let her project that on to you.

Think about yourself, what you want in a relationship, how you deserve to be treated. Sure take some time to lick your wounds but get back out there and find someone worthy of your love. Take the lessons you have learned and don't make same mistake again.

Deep down we know when someone isn't treating us right.

Good luck Op you have probably had lucky escape

Helpyouspeak

Hey there OP,
I feel sorry that you are going through this but you must know that it will pass in time and that you just have to remember that she mistreated you and that you are far better off alone than in a destructive relationship like that.

I know how you are feeling as I allowed myself to be treated similarly with a previous boyfriend. It is a horrendously difficult thing to go through but you will know that the next time you date someone-yes there will be a next time,despite how you feel now-that the calibre of person you will go for will be higher and you will accept less if you begin to feel they are not treating you well.

The most important thing to note is that we are not all horrible and untrustworthy and there are diamonds out there, you just have to open your heart again. Only when you are ready though. It's good to take a year or so off and just work on building your self-belief again and know how to be alone. It's what I did and I feel so much better for it and I am a lot happier.

You will be too, just have faith in yourself. Good luck!

LegacyUser

thanks for all your replies, you're all very kind. I know these things are supposed to get better in time but it's almost a year now and still I'm not my old self. I was out on Friday and a girl actually stopped me to tell me how "gorgeous" I was and as usual I just didn't know how to deal with it, muttered something and walked off. I'm a good looking guy and look after myself well but underneath it all I still feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. All of my friends have met someone and are happy but I just seem to have accepted that I'm the weirdo women don't like and I'll always be alone. The only way I have of socialising really is drinking too, and this adds to the depression as I'm not feeling good about myself at all now having boozed it up all weekend. Sigh, I just wish I was my happy self again like I was before I met that girl.

edellc

Op you are never going to be the person you where before you met this girl, thats life and the experiences we have change us

Its up to you as to if it changes you for the better or for the worse and at the minute you are letting it change you for the worse

As you said your a good looking dude and women comment on that so how are you a weirdo, you fell hard for a women and made a bit of a fool of yourself, so what you live and learn, pick yourself up and move on, yes its been a year but you may not still be ready to get involved with someone and thats fine, so what if your mates are people have got to stop keeping up with the jones and listen to their own head/heart, be happy being single, find yourself again and love will find you just dont jump in feet first this time

peace and love op x

LegacyUser

thanks all, I really need to make some changes. Just blew all my wages this weekend on cocaine and booze. I seem to cope well during the week, but as soon as the weekend kicks in I can't stand being on my own in the house or around my flatmates (they're nice but I really crave peace and quiet and space sometimes) so I go to the pub near my house and get on it for the weekend. So it's a viscious circle. I'm screwed now for things to do this month as I don't get paid again till the end of the month and have to survive on bare minimum.
I know things need to change but at least I can't afford to get f**ked up for the rest of the month. It seems like the only fun in my life now though, I have absolutely nothing else. I exercise during the week but I really don't have any hobbies or interests that involve other people, and I'm not bothered with going hill walking or any of that stuff people suggest.
When you've hit rock bottom and don't see the point in your stupid worthless life anymore what are you supposed to do? I just feel like I've been left out, everyone sitting around me at work now are in a relationship and focused on kids and all that other stuff that gives people a reason to exist. At times like this I just don't see the point in being alive at all but I know that's crazy talk. I suck at life.

edellc

OP seriously get a grip and stop feeling sorry for yourself, you go on about others around you being in relationships and stuff, well that would happen for you if you werent getting pissed and off your head on coke at the weekend, seriously come on how do you expect to meet someone doing that

no girl wants to be with a drunk and addict regardless of how good they are during the week, and who is suggesting hill walking I mean who does that unless your 90 get real

I know I'm being harsh but this self pity is pointless, you are in control of your life, you can blame it on a relationship that ended nearly a year ago all you want but get over it, the relationship ended for a reason now its time to move on

so whats going to happen next time you get paid.....you going to go out and do the same thing as the weekend just passed or make the changes that you need, I guess you will do the same old same old because your feeling sorry for yourself

why dont you go to the doctor and ask for help....men you really are your own worst enemies, man up, get help, move on, life is hard so you either go into self destruct mode (which your seem to be doing a good job at) or take control or your life and make a change

you say you exercise during the week, what do you do - go to the gym or just jogging on your own, look at group activities in your area and join something or could you volunteer in somethingg that gets kids into exercise, what are your interest, you have to have some or even something that you where interested in when you where younger that you stopped doing but enjoyed

can you talk to your family about how your feeling or a friend, they might be able to help better as they are close to you

Out Of The Night

edellc wrote: »

OP seriously get a grip and stop feeling sorry for yourself, you go on about others around you being in relationships and stuff, well that would happen for you if you werent getting pissed and off your head on coke at the weekend, seriously come on how do you expect to meet someone doing that

no girl wants to be with a drunk and addict regardless of how good they are during the week, and who is suggesting hill walking I mean who does that unless your 90 get real

I know I'm being harsh but this self pity is pointless, you are in control of your life, you can blame it on a relationship that ended nearly a year ago all you want but get over it, the relationship ended for a reason now its time to move on

so whats going to happen next time you get paid.....you going to go out and do the same thing as the weekend just passed or make the changes that you need, I guess you will do the same old same old because your feeling sorry for yourself

why dont you go to the doctor and ask for help....men you really are your own worst enemies, man up, get help, move on, life is hard so you either go into self destruct mode (which your seem to be doing a good job at) or take control or your life and make a change

you say you exercise during the week, what do you do - go to the gym or just jogging on your own, look at group activities in your area and join something or could you volunteer in somethingg that gets kids into exercise, what are your interest, you have to have some or even something that you where interested in when you where younger that you stopped doing but enjoyed

can you talk to your family about how your feeling or a friend, they might be able to help better as they are close to you

Edellc do you know what it's like too feel so desperately alone and unsure of yourself? To want so badly for things to get better but are incapable or just don't know how to?

edellc

yes I know what its like I have suffered depression for more years than I care to recall, but I also know that the only one who has to power to drag you out of it is yourself, and yes wallowing in it for a while is great but there comes to a point when you have to say enough is enough

I have been there, tried suicide more times than I want to admit, seen nothing but a black hole with no light at the end of a tunnel and really and truly thought that everyone would be better off without me, so yes outofthenight I KNOW

As I have said the OP need to seek help from the GP and feck embarrassment or every excuse under the sun not to go, he has to either that or he stays the way he is until he cant take it any longer and men have a higher rate at succeeding in killing them self than women just ask pieta house

Some times, tough love and tough dose of reality is what is needed, the OP is letting his life spiral out of control due to a girl, a fecking girl, who has the right to have that much control over someone no one but no one can change it but the OP this girl is so not worth it and doing coke and getting pissed every time you have cash is not the answer

LegacyUser

Adel thank you I appreciate what you're saying. However I really don't care much about this girl anymore, I hope I never see her again and I think I dodged a bullet with her anyway.
I just think in the aftermath of that mess I've been left directionless and I can't seem to find any joys in life anymore. I used to have far more enthusiasm for things but now I find it difficult to get excited about anything and I just seem to be getting worse.
I've decided to knock coke on the head anyway, and drink less, I spoke to my dealer yesterday and he agreed I should lay off it so I told him to ignore me if I'm calling him at all hours pissed. It may be a sordid business but he's a good man.
I respect that you've been in bad situations yourself but you should know how difficult it is to find any reasons to like yourself or even exist when you get to this level. I'll try my best to sort myself out but yeah maybe I need to see someone. I can't afford these counsellor types though, even if I didn't blow my cash the way I have done they're expensive where I live, like 80 quid a week and they want you to go 10 times etc. How did you fix yourself?

edellc

I got myself to the doctor who put me on anti depressants which worked for a while and they do help stabilise you and get you to a place where you no longer feel happy or sad you just exist which is good for a time but life is about feeling, however I am no longer on them and couldn't be happier, the reason - I figured out what I wanted was making me so low and made the changes that where needed, it was difficult, I no longer work in a high powered stressful environment, I have very little money, but do you know what, I dont care, I no longer want to keep up with Jones and am happy with my little bit in life

I also had a number of other changes, like my mam passing away and that is a real reality check, she was quite young and I realised that life is short we all say life is short but I dont think we really understand what it means until you loose your only parent which is a shock to the system, I know she is better off dying as she was in great pain and suffered and I was angry and upset by it but it has thought me to be grateful for each day, to find something that makes you smile every day and most importantly I realised what was and what was not important in my life and made those changes, my whole life has been turned up side down and the people I knew a couple of years ago no longer recognise the new me but I am in a happier place.

I do think anti depressants work and I do recommend them and speaking to the doctor helped, oh and the samaratians which I'm sure got sick of me ringing lol they where my sounding board and councillors, you need the support of your family also even if you think they may not be there for you they may surprise you, and also your doctor may be able to recommend a cheaper councillor, Im from Dublin dont think you can get anywhere more expensive in the country but you can get a councillor for less than 80euro a session, and if it helps you get through this dark patch isnt it work it, I'm sure if your not out drinking or doing coke then you will have the extra cash to fix yourself too

Nothingbetter2d

OP i went thru something very similar a few years back.... cutting her out of my life at the time was the best decision i ever made... she knocked alot of confidence and self esteem out of me... i put up with so much crap from her.. it took a good 6 to 9 months just to bounce back and even start looking for a relationship again.

recently we came in contact with each other again (her sister, who is still a very good friend of mine had a baby) and it was my ex that contacted me to let me know her sister's good news, she even went so far as to apologise to me for the treatment she gave me when we were together... i totally wasn't expecting that.... anyways despite that we still dont communicate much with each other anymore.

hang in there OP the best advice i can give you is go out meet new people, enjoy being single, and you'll soon find your feet again... when your ready for a new relationship you'll know.

blacklilly

OP would it be possible that what happened with you and your ex threw up past insecutitues about yourself?
Getting drunk and doing coke is only going to make you feel worse about yourself, you need to stop abusing your body and mind.
Start thinking how lucky you are not to be in that relationships anymore and start getting your life back on track.
It might help speaking to a professional about but only if you truly want to feel better.
I was in a very destructive relationship a few years ago and to cut a long story short I was left with zero confidence after it, started drinking too much, was depressed and thought no one would ever love me again. I was lucky i had very supportive parents, my mother is a physcotherpist and really helped me to get a grip.
I then met a fantastic guy and had by all means a very positive loving relationship with him. It didn't work out in the end but im in a really good place now , my past experiences have thought me so much and im actually happy I went through so much crap because I know I will never let myself go through it again.
I won't and haven't let one very bad egg tarnished my view of men.
You're obviously in a bad place, if you want out of that place you can only help yourself with some support.

Wompa1

I've been scarred by a past relationship. Like you, I am over the ex in question, I hope I never see her again, I don't even want to know she's alive. I never think about her anymore unless I'm on here an see relationship issues or somebody says something that reminds me of something that happened in the relationship. I don't pine after her or think about her of my own accord anymore but I know my trust has been impacted. I always thought I was a good judge of character, had doubts pretty much from the second month of the relationship and ignored everything...we broke up nearly a year and a half ago. I decided to focus on work and advance myself in other ways. Boozing and Coke is probably the worst thing you can do, I didn't drink for months after.

LegacyUser

thanks for all your help. Ok I've vowed to myself to steer clear of the scene that has been getting me messed up and depressed and sapping all my finances, I'm reading some self help stuff on giving up booze and I'm going to try my best. This weekend I'm visting a friend in a quiet part of the country just to get away from it all for a bit.
So I live in a city with 10 million people and yesterday as I was sheltering from the rain outside my gym, my ex that I haven't seen in about 9 months was walking towards me on the street. I panicked and went back inside, she was on the other side of the road, and I was looking out from the door to see where she'd go and she went into the bar there. Unbelievable. It kind of brought some of the old emotions back but I feel alright. God she looked good though. I haven't been attracted to anyone since her, it's worrying

edellc

Good for you OP, a trip to the country and self help books are so much better than booze and coke so well done.

As for the ex how mental was that, and look she may have looked good and you may have had a moment of lust but you know you broke up for a reason and the dark places you have found yourself in are down to her and ending of that relationship which is not healthy.

The only reason you have not been attracted to anyone else is purely down to how you where dealing with the breakup and feeling depressed I mean who feels sexy and attracted to anyone when they have no confidence and low self esteem, no one so that is why you havent fancied anyone.

But hang in there once you can help yourself out of this hole and start to feel better about yourself then your outlook in life lightens and when you smile people smile back at you and everyone is always attracted to somebody who has a nice smile and a positive outlook in life, likewise when you are happy you look at people differently too

So glad your feeling a bit better OP you have been in my thoughts, sending lots of love and hugs and enjoy your weekend away for the madness of 10million people :eek: