So Its happened again

LegacyUser

So I'm a guy in my early 30's and I'm writhing this feeling extremely dejected. I've just got the phone call "your a lovely guy but..." conversation. To be truthful I'm not really upset about been dumped by the person in question as I was only seeing her approximately 4 months and I personally don't think thats a whole lot of time to get emotionally attached to someone. I was fond of her though and if it was out of personal choice I would have liked to continue to see her as I thought there was definitely potential there. But no what I think my main reason for feeling so dismal is this type of thing is becoming an increasing worrying recurring theme. I'm so fed up of rejection...

Over the last two years I have been with 5 girls including the one stated above. All of them have come and ended in very much the same routine. We hook, initial meetings with regard to spark and chemistry seem brilliant but then after 3 or 4 months of seeing each other, they end it. In all cases bar one, it came to an end very unexpectantly to me. As you can imagine my self confidence is now at quite low ebb. This cycle surely can't be coincidence, there must be something inherently wrong with?? I'm really trying to think rationally here and maybe some people can enlighten me with constructive criticism of how to rectify this. Unfortunately though cynacism is beginning to ingrain me.

My latest theory is that I'm too nice and too accommodating. I see acquaintances and friends and how they treat their respective wives and partners. Coming from a total objective point of view they treat them like ****. I'm not even talking about major things but the small things like offering them support and not ignoring them when they need help most. I'm not imagining this, its a reality that I'm sure extends beyond my circle of friends. Personally I hear the line "Your such a nice guy" spouted at me lots of times. However thats all it ever is. A line. In many ways I wish I was belligerent, argumentative and contrary as these types of traits seem to help maintain a relationship in a oxymoron type of way. Thats what I'm mounting to believe at this stage anyway. Guess the line nice guys always finish last has some element of truth to it.

In trying to remain balanced about how to analyse myself, I know also I must look at my personal self regarding physical looks and also people skills. Though I have been described before as slightly coy and reserved, I have always felt a inner self confidence. I think I'm intelligent, respectful, outgoing and generally very easy to be around. With looks I'm quite tall and have always regarded myself as good looking. Obviously this aspect is a very subjective view but I get approached by girls when out a lot of the time. In fact of the five girls that I have saw over the last two years, three of them initiated first contact. I'm also well educated with a good job.

So really I don't know what I'm trying to say or achieve on here. Apologies if it appears as one big rant or if its degenerated into one big self pity post. Perhaps I should have wrote this when my head was a bit clearer. I understand people will not always be compatible and these things happen - but to happen so many times consecutively in relatively short space of time, makes me believe I have to change something about myself. I just wish I knew what, as the rejection pill is getting harder to take every time.

I am a friend

Juoles wrote: »

Over the last two years I have been with 5 girls including the one stated above. All of them have come and ended in very much the same routine.

Sadly thats the life of a dater!! Its not unique to you and I suspect most people have the same number of dates and short term relationships as you in the same period... As for saying 'you are a nice guy etc', I suspect they want you to know you are a nice guy but at the end of the day you are just not for them... It may not be because you are too nice...

Juoles wrote: »

My latest theory is that I'm too nice and too accommodating. I see acquaintances and friends and how they treat their respective wives and partners. Coming from a total objective point of view they treat them like ****. I'm not even talking about major things but the small things like offering them support and not ignoring them when they need help most.

Dont start going down that road!!! You start treating women like that and you start to attract women who are willing to be treated like that... Is that the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with??? someone who will put up with crap - if so, then you have plenty of choice. For me personally, I would not be attracted to a man who treats me badly but then I know my worth.

santana75

Juoles wrote: »

I'm really trying to think rationally here and maybe some people can enlighten me with constructive criticism of how to rectify this. Unfortunately though cynacism is beginning to ingrain me.

My latest theory is that I'm too nice and too accommodating.

Guess the line nice guys always finish last has some element of truth to it.


So really I don't know what I'm trying to say or achieve on here. Apologies if it appears as one big rant or if its degenerated into one big self pity post. Perhaps I should have wrote this when my head was a bit clearer. I understand people will not always be compatible and these things happen - but to happen so many times consecutively in relatively short space of time, makes me believe I have to change something about myself. I just wish I knew what, as the rejection pill is getting harder to take every time.

Fair play to you for having the courage to take a look at yourself. Its a hard thing to do and most people wont do it. Instead they'll blame the other person/people and cling to the believe that they just havent met that one special, right person yet.
Im not saying theres anything wrong with you inherently, but things happen in our childhoods that condition us to act in certain ways that can be detrimental. Plus the media and hollywood movies lead us to believe that if you act a certain way then you'll have the happy ending. Its a complicated issue, why are some guys great with women and others not so great? That really is the big question, and its a question you need to find the answer to. And also what are those guys doing that you're not doing. You've already started to examine whats going on, and you've noticed that your friends seem a bit disinterested, which ironically results in a postive response. And Im not saying you have to start acting disinterested because that would be fake. You need to act authentically and be true to yourself. But what I am saying is you need to figure out why those guys appear to be disinterested or cocky. Maybe its a self esteem issue? In fact I'd bet the farm that its a self esteem issue.
The guy I know whos the best with women I've ever met is truly his own man. This guy values himself big time, and not in an arrogant, self absorbed way, in fact he's very modest. But he lives his life the way he wants to live it, he does the things hes interested in and he's happy with himself. While he was in college he worked on the door of an upmarket nightclub in the city centre and regularly he'd have 5 or 6 very attractive women asking him out. And anytime he was in a relationship with a girl, he did his own thing. He didnt kiss up to her or be a doormat or anything like that. But he wasnt a jerk either. And it wasnt calculated either, he was being himself. The point is, to him a relationship was a bonus to be added onto his life. He genuinely didnt think being in a relationship was the be all and end all. He liked women and liked their company but he didnt feel at a loss if a woman didnt fancy him or if he was single. And all of that was because he placed a lot of value on himself and lived his own life.
Again Im not saying you need to start acting in a fake way because you'll just come across as exaclty that, fake. I think you're on the right track, keep digging and examing yourself(but in a nice and above all, fair way). People who are brave enough to examine themselves get rewarded for their courage and thats something i've seen happen time and time again.