WARNING. Mild language. Subject: Abortion.

Whelpling

A poem I wrote a couple of years back now. Need revisiting. Any crit, please?



Jellyball


“Positive,” nurse said, and the girl broke down
The ominous clear blue line taunted her
Tears of fear rolled from innocent eyes that
had seen too much and cried too many drops.

Just a pill and a pessary, that’s all.
It sounded so easy, lullaby, bye.
Nobody needs to know. Not even Mum.
A cold, white room, and someone else’s gown.

A pill that sticks in her throat, makes her cough
Poor baby, poor baby. She cries alone.
What has beaten, stops. Emptiness is big.
There is nothing left to do, except bleed.

Bleed she does, alone, in a cold, white room
Nurse doesn’t smile. Not today. Not for her.
The door is closed. The vomit bowl, full.
A small jellyball in a bowl of piss.

It’s all over and nobody found out
The eyes are not so innocent any more
Tears still roll down mother-baby’s cheeks
She counts the days until the next birthday

El Inho

It's quite good. Provocative, and descriptive, with some parts being quite apt.

I would love to analyse it more critically, but I'm studying for exams. It's one of those poems I would love to rip into and discuss.

'Lullaby, bye' - really caught my eye. Makes you stop and realise that there is a living organism dying, and a child at that. While I am pro-choice, it certain forces the reader to stop on the spot with it's complex rhythm.

The only line I wasn't keen on was the jellyball. It's a perfectly good description, but for some reason it is too childish in a poem that is discussing such a topic, with the childish connotations not adding to the subject matter of the poem.

If I was to be very critical, 'mother's baby-cheeks', while descriptive seems a little forced.

All in all a harsh, but enjoyable read. Very nice piece of work, and sure to raise discussion.

Whelpling

Thanks for your feedback!

All good points I think. The only one I'm not convinced on is 'jellyball'. I liked it - and still do - precisely because of the juxtaposition of the subject matter and the almost playful sound of this line. I'll keep an eye for other opinions though. If it's universal I might release my vice-like grip on that particular line!

Completely agree with "mother-baby's cheeks" - dreadfully forced. Consider it gone!

Thanks again!!

PurpleBee

I think the title is one of the best things about the piece! Provocative and blunt, I like it.

El Inho

PurpleBee wrote: »

I think the title is one of the best things about the piece! Provocative and blunt, I like it.

would you believe I didn't even see it in the title, just the poem!