Needy friends

samina

Hi, I have a very close friend for many years. Last year we didn't see each other as much as we used to as there were other things going on but we still kept in touch. Anyway since then I find I'm distancing myself from her. Lately I just find her draining. She is always sick or has some sort of problem going on. She is very needy and seems put out if I spend time with others always feeling like she should be invited. I have other friends whom I became closer to when she was busy doing what she was doing last year but she doesn't have any other friends. In all the years we've been friends she has become friends with people but it always fizzles out, she constantly has enemies in work. I really do care about her but I feel that the friendship is not good for me. It makes me miserable listening to doom and gloom. I feels like I'm in a bad relationship that I need to get out of, but if it's a relationship with a partner there is always the option to be friends, where do you go when you are friends? To her it appears I am being off with her which I know I am. How do I handle this. I may sound like a bitch but I've gotten to the stage in my life where I'm going to look after me and I don't want to go and visit someone when I know I'm going to leave feeling miserable. I don't want to have an argument, obviously I can't give her the reasons I have given here for the rift because as I said I do care a lot about her and I don't want to hurt her. I can't walk away for other reasons, I'm so confused I don't even know what I'm asking for here just opinions and advice from others would be a help.

SunnyDub1

Hi op,

Would you not just be upfront and honest with her ?
Shes a long term Friend and the least she deserves is honesty. She prob doesn't even realize she is been like this.

Just tell her how you are feeling when yous meet up next , just put it nicely - that you are fed up with her moaning and its starting to drain and annoy you, and that she is been a bit to needy and you might always not have time to take her calls and see her. When she brings up work ect just change the subject or jokingly ask is there anything other then work she can talk about.
Also explain to her that you have other Friends and can't always be there for her 24/7.

Try bring back some fun and laughter into the friendship.

I think she will appreciate your honesty as appose to just ditching her. But ruthless IMO.

But if she doesn't seem to take the picture after you talk to her, just don't return any of her calls or texts thats the only way you can really get out of the friendship.

Oryx

I know you think you cant tell her the reasons, but that might be the only way to deal with it. Tell her you love her and care for her but that her attitude to life is draining and hard to be around. It sounds like she finds friendship difficult, and perhaps realising that her own attitude is part of why, might be a good thing for her in the long run. You can be honest without being cruel, but unfortunately if she decides to fall out with you over it there is nothing you can do. If you cant be yourself with her, there is little point in the friendship.

samina

I don't think I can be honest. I'm a pretty straightforward person. If I have a problem with something I say it and move on and expect the same of others. Otherwise something small gets bigger. there have been occasions in the past where I felt the need to clear the air, over trivial things, and she started crying. I genuinely wasn't arguing and the crying caught me off guard completely. Im so worried about this because her children are like my own and vice versa and I don't want our friendship to end completely. I don't know maybe just lighten up a bit. Re reading my post it looks like the only option is to talk about it but how do you do it with someone who takes every comment to heart so much

Oryx

samina wrote: »

how do you do it with someone who takes every comment to heart so much

Gently, and with much reassurance. Her sensitivity could be the reason why this lady has so many problems with friendship. It could be that you will end up another casualty of it, but as things go, the friendship is on its way out anyway if you dont clear the air with her.

R.D. aka MR.D

What about the next time she starts complaining why don't you say something like 'are you alright, you're always so down. Maybe you should go see a doctor or something'. That way you're not being harsh but at the same time letting her know her behaviour is OTT.

samina

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

What about the next time she starts complaining why don't you say something like 'are you alright, you're always so down. Maybe you should go see a doctor or something'. That way you're not being harsh but at the same time letting her know her behaviour is OTT.

I've brought it to her attention before. Prehaps too gently. I've even told her I re-evaluated a few things and I'm not listening to doom and gloom because I have enough on my plate and it went unnoticed.

Your right oryx I'll have to thread softly I'll just wait for an opportunity like was said by mr d and take it from there. Thanks for the advice folks.

Roselm

samina wrote: »

I don't think I can be honest. I'm a pretty straightforward person. If I have a problem with something I say it and move on and expect the same of others. Otherwise something small gets bigger. there have been occasions in the past where I felt the need to clear the air, over trivial things, and she started crying. I genuinely wasn't arguing and the crying caught me off guard completely. Im so worried about this because her children are like my own and vice versa and I don't want our friendship to end completely. I don't know maybe just lighten up a bit. Re reading my post it looks like the only option is to talk about it but how do you do it with someone who takes every comment to heart so much

Maybe you could say it as "I'm feeling a bit gloomy today, can we talk about something fun..." which might make her realise what she's like without you seeming like you have a "problem" with her. If you say something along those lines over a period of time she will hopefully see the pattern? Like someone else said, she might not have even realised that she often IS negative as she might just fall into a pattern of talking about the same types of things with you out of habit and because it's comfortable in a way?

Roselm

samina wrote: »

I've brought it to her attention before. Prehaps too gently. I've even told her I re-evaluated a few things and I'm not listening to doom and gloom because I have enough on my plate and it went unnoticed.

Your right oryx I'll have to thread softly I'll just wait for an opportunity like was said by mr d and take it from there. Thanks for the advice folks.

Sorry, I just noticed in your last post you were up front with her before and nothing changed. My advice in my last post mightn't be of much use then!
Best of luck with whatever you decide x

Torakx

I experience this sometimes too with friends.
The issue is not so easily resolved sometimes with just an honest chat.
Some people have this ingained in their personality.And if drink is a factor(with my firend it can be),then its not so easy for them to stop reverting back to their habits.

My only solution is to limit my time with people like this.Cant think of any other way,but to start looking for more friends who are not so needy,for when i just need time to chill with someone and not have to hear about their problems all the time or them telling me about how i can fix my problems when i dont even ask for help.

Its quite draining for me on top of just being social with people.
My friends know i am ill and require alot of time alone,but that excuse will only last me so long.
My next option i maybe to insist we do an activity together when we hang out,instad of visiting and sitting down ina familiar enviornment to them where they are more likely to start talking.
Easier if people are kept busy i think.

Samina, i just had a thought.
Dont know if it would suit you or her.But if you happened to enjoy walking as i know many women are as a hobby for health and fitness, you could bring your friend with you.That allows you to get a bit of chatting in before and after but during, you will have a break because its bloody hard to chat constantly while you try to catch your breath
Also exercise makes you feel more energetic and i reckon you wouldnt mind the things that would ussually drain you.

Daisy M

Would you not be concerned for your friend that she feels so bad all the time that everything that comes out of her mouth is depressing. It doesnt sound as if she is very happy right now, its strange to me that this isnt your main concern, unless I am taking things up wrong. Is it a case that you dont believe her to be always sick or that her problems are as bad as she thinks?

indough

As much as it is possible to care for someone's well being, it will get to you after a long time of hearing it over and over again no matter how you feel about them. It can be very draining and I would even go so far as to say infectious, depending on how miserable the person is and how often you have to hear about it. This is part of the reason why people are supposed to use therapy rather than rely on their mates if the problems are real and continuous. Even with the very best of intentions it's inevitable that you're going to get fed up of listening to it if the person won't help themselves.

Daisy M

indough wrote: »

As much as it is possible to care for someone's well being, it will get to you after a long time of hearing it over and over again no matter how you feel about them. It can be very draining and I would even go so far as to say infectious, depending on how miserable the person is and how often you have to hear about it. This is part of the reason why people are supposed to use therapy rather than rely on their mates if the problems are real and continuous. Even with the very best of intentions it's inevitable that you're going to get fed up of listening to it if the person won't help themselves.

I agree but if it was me I would ask my friend if there was something more to the constant moaning than simply the need to moan. Some people for whatever reason seem to thrive on moaning but it can also be a sign that there is something seriously wrong in someones life. Personally I would approah my friend speak to her openly about the situation rather than finding ways to avoid. Once I had a clearer picture of what was behind the moaning then I would make my decision on wheather or not I continued with the friendship.

samina

no ill be honest im not concerned that there is something wrong. because i know her such a long time if there is something wrong i think i would know. i think its shes just become used to complaining. ive seen her in when were in groups go around everyone and reeat her complaints over again to each person she is chatting to. ive also seen people cuther off in mid sentence because they have had enoughof her complaints. its not just her health she complains about everything liek the binmen being late, having to collect her niece from school when she offered to do it. she complains about going places, doing things none of which she has to do. i tell her dont do it then but shell do it anyways and complain for hours about it. we have gone on walks but its just the same. we go for a drink and its not fun anymore.

ive decided im defintiely going to talk to her about it. ill do it as gently as possible but its not healthy for me and it will get to the stage where ill exlode and it will turn into an argument if i dont. it may make me sound like a bitch but im one of those people who doesnt have drama in their life. i have ups and downs, and i dont intend on letting needless complaining ruin my ups. if i see my other friends we might talk about what might be going on in our lives good and bad, we also have a laugh and i leave feeling happy. when im with this friend i come home to my children miserable and in a bad humour because im biting my tongue so as not to upset her. this isnt fair on my family and lifes to short. sorry if this is long and all replies have definitely been taken on board. thanks

Big Bag of Chips

Why don't you put a limit on the time you are allowed moan.

When you meet her, say you both have 5/10/15 mins to have a bitch about whatever is going on and then it's onto more cheery topics.

Although, judging by your posts, I think you have already made up your mind to just phase her out. Honestly, I don't blame you. Miserable, moany people drain those around them. And sympathy can only last so long.

lazygal

Oh dear.

I had a friend like this and she was so draining I had to phase her out. I'm not proud of that, but I didn't see any way out. She was so negative, there was always a problem with her job, landlord, love live, family, social life, other friends and whatever else was going on. She just offloaded whatever was bothering her every time we met, yet if I had an issue it was clear she thought I lived some charmed life and couldn't possibly have it as hard as her.

The final straw came when we were on a short holiday together. She had problems with everything, from the flights to the hotel to the heat to the food. My parents were quite good to her, letting her stay in our house the night before and after we were away (I lived at home at the time) because we lived so close to the airport, they drove us there and picked us up to save on taxis (broke students) and generally were really welcoming before and after the holiday. She never thanked them, just seemed to think she 'deserved' to be looked after because she was living away from home and didn't have the comforts I did. I began the phase out soon after, in hindsight she was a very, very selfish person who just felt the world owed her something.

She moved onto a mutual friend after this and is still at the same carry on, problems with work/living situation/love life and pushing the whole 'no one has it as difficult as I do' nonsense. WAY too much work.

CarMe

Hi OP!
I could have written your exact post before Christmas!
I also had a long time friend who sounds exactly the same as yours, always unwell, always "stressed" about issues most people wouldn't even notice, just always moaning but very self indulgent saying things like "Im just too soft" !? Oh god i used to come away from meeting her sooo tired and drained!
Last year i had two deaths in my life of people very close to me and also had a baby, yet she still expected me to listen to her drone on about ridiculous things. She was very sensitive, she'd read out a text a friend sent her that i would think sounded totally normal but she'd see something bad in it or if the person said something like "getting on great, new job, lost weight" etc, she would make comment that they were either getting a dig in ?! Or "stuck up" !? Oh I was just losing patience!
We had a holiday booked together and i just knew i couldn't enjoy myself with her (i was also pretty broke so used that as an excuse, spending money etc) so her boyfriend went instead, didn't offer me a penny for my tickets! I was just glad to be out of it as at this stage i realised the friendship was dead, couldn't tell you the last time we had laughed together or anything. Anyway after the hol, she had the cheek to go on and on about how guilty she felt for him having to break into his savings for spending money!!
So a couple of weeks before Christmas i sent her a text wishing her a happy Christmas and new year and that i probably wouldn't be in touch much in the new year and outlined a few of my problems but was very nice.

Anyway OP, since then I've gotten a lot closer to some of my colleagues and old friends, I've really enjoyed myself a lot more and i don't miss that friendship at all!! Best of Luck!