Not good enough for a nice guy

LegacyUser

Hi..

Basically I'm mid twenties and I've only ever dated bad boys. I noted this pattern a couple of years ago and since then have made an effort to put myself out there and meet different kind of guys. The only problem is I'm naturally attracted to the confidence of bad boys I suppose. Therefore the vast majority of 'nice guys' I've met I'm not at all attracted to. I have met the rare one or two that I have been attracted to but have been rejected.

I'm just beginning to wonder if maybe I'm not good enough to meet someone who's both what I want physically and what I need mentally. Them guys must have their pick of women. I think I have relatively high standards lookswise, I don't know if its possible to change this? I don't want to date anymore good looking a-holes but I don't want to sit around alone forever either.

I'm confused.

kjl

There are nice looking good guys who have confidence too. Are you sure it's not the excitement you don't look for?

Ickle Magoo

lonelygirrrl wrote: »

I don't want to date anymore good looking a-holes but I don't want to sit around alone forever either.

I'm confused.

I'm confused too - do you really think the alternative to dating a-holes is sitting around alone forever? That sounds a tad dramatic... Would you really rather date people who hurt you or leave you unsatisfied and unhappy rather than being single?

It's really just a case of deciding what you are worth and what you want in life - and then you don't chase or get involved with people you know can't or don't want to give you the kind of relationship and treatment you want to have. Dating sites and singles nights are a booming business for a reason - there are plenty people looking for their Mr/Mrs right...

While I can't guarantee when/if you'll find the perfect guy, you lessen your chances if you're involved with Mr Wrong or appear to be the kind of girl who chases Mr A-hole confusing their arrogance/*insert any number of warped self-beliefs here* as attractive confidence.

All the best. :cool:

wylo

this whole "bad guy" thing is complete nonsense imo.

undeniable fact: women go for confidence,whether the woman is confident or not they go for confidence, actually people , all people, EVERYONE goes for confidence. Not just in terms of relationships but in all situations. Doesnt mean a guy isnt allowed be nervous, it just means he has a base level of security and happiness and high esteem about himself.

Fact 2: There are loads of really confident good looking "nice guys". Sadly there are loads of really unconfident good looking "nice guys" too. The unconfident ones are the guys that are blatantly insecure and dont treat women with the same even respect as the confident ones do. They look up to women as oppose to treating them like regular people. They put women on a pedestal , and stop treating them like real people, as a result of this they end up showing them less respect inadvertently (as harsh as that sounds cause I know it cant be helped initially). Sadly they also create an expectation (be it good or bad) when talking to women, as oppose to just talking to them.

So , find the nice guy, whos good looking, who treats you like a regular person , that doesnt seem like they are expecting anything from the conversation and there you go!!!

Wompa1

I found it frustrating in my late teens and early 20's...just seemed like a lot of girls went for a certain type of guy and a lot guys tried to be like that type of guy, most likely because that's what girls went for...vicious cycle. Then very quickly when I got to 23-24 I started getting lots of attention from girls. There was no more you are too nice, unfortunately I got with a lot of girls who had baggage from being with bad boys!! So that was a hard lesson to learn for myself. My point in that for you is, go for whatever you feel in your heart. Your brain might tell you you want a nice guy but if you are more attracted to bad boys go for it.

As a "nice" guy who got with girls who were with bad boys before me, I'd say spare the nice guys because if you are forcing yourself into it, it won't work and you'll break their hearts.

Handsome Bob

It's not that you're not good enough for a nice guy, it's that you don't want a nice guy.

This is mainly down to you confusing what constitutes a nice guy and confidence.

ash23

I know what you're saying OP. About a year ago I realised I had become attracted to guys who were arrogant.
In terms of looks, they weren't much better looking (in some cases worse looking) than "nice" guys who'd shown an interest. But I was seemed to be drawn to men who were pushy and arrogant and who went after what they wanted, aggressively. The ones who pursued me.

Unfortunately I found that once these guys got what they wanted, they were onto the next conquest or next agenda, leaving me wondering where I'd gone wrong and feeling inadequate.

So I decided that on a night out I would give my number if asked and then see what happened. But no snogging or sex, no drunken flings. Nothing. If he liked me, he'd be ok with dating me.

And oh so many have taken the number and when they realise they're not getting anything have never called.

Only one has bothered and funnily enough I am questioning whether or not I like him. And I truly think it's because he isn't being a bastard. He is being a "nice guy".
I'm missing the nervousness and the confusion and turmoil because he calls when he says he will rather than leaving me hanging. He arranges dates when he says he will and he seems calm and stable and isn't messing me around or leaving me wondering where I stand. Now it's literally early days so he might end up not being a nice guy lol. But for now he is.

I mistook that nervous, confused turmoil for passion and lust. I'm so used to the drama that I don't know how to date without it.

P.S. When I say "nice guy" I mean a genuine, down to earth type. I don't mean the clingy ones who proclaim love right away and who call every single day and who cling to you like a life buoy. Those aren't "nice guys" although they like to think they are. Those are needy, desperate guys. Just bear that in mind.

LegacyUser

I think some of you may have slightly missed the point of my original post. I know I have tended to go for bad boys - I'm trying to change that!

I do want a nice guy, I don't want to be treated like crap. I can recognize the signs of someone decent and I don't think I'm conditioned to feel like the excitement and drama of a ****e relationship is what's important. Its not about that.

The problem I've found is that any nice guys I meet I'm not sexually attracted to. So thats a dead end. And as I have already said the nice guys I have met who I am sexually attracted to have turned me down. So I'm beginning to feel like I'm not good enough to have both nice and attractive... just one or the other. If that makes any sense.

I'm just beginning to think I have to lower my standards. But looks wise, is it possible to date someone you just think is so-so?

wylo

Without trying to sound bad, maybe spend a little time on your own happiness and self esteem, and worry about that later.

So I'm beginning to feel like I'm not good enough to have both nice and attractive... just one or the other. If that makes any sense.

No it doesnt make sense, your weighing your sense of being off an almost ranking/graph/category system in terms of what you expect from blokes or yourself,for that matter, and where you fall in this system.

ash23

lonelygirrrl wrote: »

I do want a nice guy, I don't want to be treated like crap. I can recognize the signs of someone decent and I don't think I'm conditioned to feel like the excitement and drama of a ****e relationship is what's important. Its not about that.

The problem I've found is that any nice guys I meet I'm not sexually attracted to. So thats a dead end. And as I have already said the nice guys I have met who I am sexually attracted to have turned me down. So I'm beginning to feel like I'm not good enough to have both nice and attractive... just one or the other. If that makes any sense.

I'm just beginning to think I have to lower my standards. But looks wise, is it possible to date someone you just think is so-so?

Sexual attraction is not just about looks. It's about what we feel for a person.
So do you mean that the nice guys are all ugly? Or just that you don't feel that attracted to them?
If it's the latter then I don't think you should dismiss what I was saying about being conditioned to feel a certain way about the drama and the excitement.

Are you sexually attracted to guys who are average looking but who are bad boys? Or is it a case that you only go for really attractive looking guys?

sammye333

Op. I dont think that its possible that you could be with someone if you only see them as "so-so"
Their has to be an attraction to make a relationship work. This attraction might not be visible at first but over time when you get to know somone, its their personality that makes them attractive . Everyone has a type, and your type obviously has let you down on a few occasions.

I have heard it mentioned a few times, when speaking to a couples, how when they first met, they didnt like/find the other attractive. When they got to know each other better, they found that they had some common interests, which made the other person look more attractive.

Maybe you should not be too quick to judge these GOOD GUYS and get to know them better.

Hope all works out for you

sammy

LegacyUser

Thanks sammy, you may have a point.

No the nice guys are not all ugly, they just don't do it for me. I don't know how to describe it, I'm not sexually attracted. And the ones that did do it for me (rare) have turned me down.

To be honest when it came to bad boys they were all really attractive, at least in my opinion.

Torakx

As one of those "nice guys" i find this very confusing.
I do empathize with this situation,but also i find it slightly frustrating.

It makes me wonder what i did right in the past and what i might be doing wrong now.And maybe i had it slightly wrong.
My way has always been to make your yes mean yes and your no mean no.
But from reading here it seems if i do the opposite i will not be so off putting.
Despite many posters here saying some guys were respectful and honest, they still seemed to find that off putting in some ways.

Its kind of interesting to me also with my situation.
All of my girlfriends i have gotten to know online in various ways and then met up and started a relationship.

When i used to go clubbing or to pubs i would refrain from chatting up women out of shyness and also because this felt quite shallow for some reason.

I agree about being careful of guys who are shy,while reveering women too much.This could possibly lead to a jealous personality.
However i myself am quite shy in groups,love to be around women ...well one at a time haha
But do not seem to have much in the way of jealousy.
Possibly i replaced that with severe stubborness and independance lol

I guess i am just a little confused if this thread represents the mentality of the majority of women,i am not at all suprised now why i have left all my girlfriends and continued to be fussy.
I dont understand what you girls want...and i wonder do you?

Since there seems to be a few female posters here,maybe some of you can help clear that up a little.

Sorry for the long winded post,bad habit of mine

To the original poster.
Have you tired online dating?

It gives you the chance to communicate ideas before getting your heart/hormones too involved,goes for both sexes btw.

If a guy cant chat to you properly and respectfully for at least 10-20 messages you should maybe consider he is just after sex.
I have spoken to some women online for up to 2-3 months before asking to meet and by that time there was a good trust built up and when we met it ussually ended up being much better than blind dates.

One thing i have learned is that women like to see you approaching(online or in person) and so this careful approach has also allowed me to filter out the ones who are simply after a self esteem boost and nothing more.

ash23

Torakx wrote: »

I guess i am just a little confused if this thread represents the mentality of the majority of women,i am not at all suprised now why i have left all my girlfriends and continued to be fussy.
I dont understand what you girls want...and i wonder do you?

Since there seems to be a few female posters here,maybe some of you can help clear that up a little.

I don't think it's possible to generalise.
For me, my first boyfriend was lovely to me initially but he was a stereotypical bad boy. In trouble with the law, generally just not a good person. He cheated on me.I had some brief relationships with guys who were confident and cocky but none worked out.
Then I was with a nice guy thinking that he would be a better match but he screwed me over worse than any of my previous boyfriends.
So then I decided I didn't want a relationship and therefore went out of my way to find the most unsuitable men with whom to hook up with or date. People where I knew it would come to nothing.

As a result I developed a habit or honing in on unsuitable or unavailable men and it's become a hard habit to break. If I let myself believe it's going to go somewhere then I open myself up to getting hurt again. So it's easier to expect him to hurt me and when it happens, at least it wasn't a surprise. But with that came the "drama" of the toxic relationships which is what I've come to appreciate as "normal". But it's not. But if it's missing then I confuse that lack of drama with lack of passion/interest and therefore the nice guy comes across to me as somewhat boring or unattractive.

But that's me. And I can't say that the reason is the same for every other woman who finds herself in this cycle of liking inappropriate guys.

reprazant

Sorry but I am confused. You seem to be saying that you like good looking lads, who you then describe as being 'bad boys' and then seem to imply that nice guys are not good looking so you are not attracted to them. Either that or you just like the drama of being fecked around, I'm not sure.

It is possible to be with a nice guy who is also good looking and who doesn't feck you around. If, of course, you are just attracted to lads who do treat you like rubbish, then that is a case of self-esteem issues that you need to work on.

LegacyUser

You're still completely missing the point... I have tried, really shown interest in any nice looking guys that also come across as friendly, decent, interested in things other than sex etc. but they just aren't interested. I don't want this to be a debate on the nature of women who like bad boys.

I'm not saying all nice guys are ugly
And I'm not saying I'm only attracted to bad boys.

I'm saying I seem to be only able to get one or the other. Never the whole package. And at this stage (few years single) is it worth cutting my losses and settling for one or the other.

Taltos

All - please no further debate on what makes one type of person more attractive or not. Keep your posts on topic and directed to the OP.

If you want to debate points take it to PM or one of the other forums here who welcome debate and discussion.

Thanks
Taltos

I am a friend

lonelygirrrl wrote: »

And at this stage (few years single) is it worth cutting my losses and settling for one or the other.

No.

sammye333

HEY OP.

Just like in life your not gonna get on with everyone. This is the same for relationships. Your gonna meet some nice guys and some bad guys. There are loads of men and women in similar situations.

At least you have indentified that your tendency for bad guys will only leave you frustrated. You will, in time, meet the right person. maybe when you least expect it.:o

sammy

Torakx

reprazant wrote: »

Sorry but I am confused. You seem to be saying that you like good looking lads, who you then describe as being 'bad boys' and then seem to imply that nice guys are not good looking so you are not attracted to them. Either that or you just like the drama of being fecked around, I'm not sure.

It is possible to be with a nice guy who is also good looking and who doesn't feck you around. If, of course, you are just attracted to lads who do treat you like rubbish, then that is a case of self-esteem issues that you need to work on.

I think this one hit the nail on the head.
If you notice the title you put on the thread it says "not good enough for a nice guy"

Its quite possible you answered your question with the title.
And after some other responses it seems to me that alot of relationship issues are stemming from fears and insecurities.

I used to have a saying like a personal mantra.
"True love is not found in another until you have found it in yourself first. Meet your true love within and set yourself free."

Im starting to appreciate that more and more these days.

LegacyUser

I agree with some of the posters on here I wanted to add my bit sorry if it comes across as odd.

Sometimes we attract a certain guy based on the signals we give out. For example, our demeanour can attract a specific type of person. It seems possible in your case OP, since you mentioned that you are attracting guys that treat you badly all the time. Maybe it is the case where they can see that you are insecure or have issues with self esteem. These types of people feed off someone that has issues like that. Sometimes the person who starts to realise this is wondering why am I attracting a jerk, a cheater, or whatever. We attract a certain type of person without even realising it. Why not try to look into this further and see what it is that you are doing that it is making it hard for you to find the partner you want? Instead of boards, ask your friends that know you better and ask for an honest opinion. Next time you go out with your friends see if there is something you are doing. Showing interest isn't just conversation it includes body language, facial expressions etc. Also the way we dress attracts a certain type of person. When I was in my early twenties I dressed much older. I rarely wore jeans more like dress pants and nice tops. I dressed as someone who works at a bank not a uni student. I never got a guy close to my age ask me out no matter how interested I seemed and how our conversations were etc. I always attracted older men at the time. Guys well into their 30s. When I changed a few things that was when I attracted guys closer to my age.

I am in no way suggesting to change your entire self that is no way the right thing to do. I am just trying to point out there may be some things that you are subconsciously doing that is attracting specific men to you. It doesn't make sense to me that you are getting jerks come to you all the time and can't find a good guy. There may be something you are doing subconsciously that is making the good guys not pursue a relationship with you.