Lacking the 'relatioship' skill

LegacyUser

So I'll just cut straight to the point.

I don't know how to establish and maintain a relationship. I am a mid - late twenties woman, attractive, quite successful career-wise, very sociable with a great group of friends and 100% independent...but I have never developed that life skill to form and develop a romantic relationship with the opposite sex.

I've always been single. I've always been ambitious, a high achiever, very friendly, easy-going, intelligent, but always a bit shy when it comes to romantic relations with the opposite sex. I'm at the stage where being single all my life has eroded my self esteem to the point where I'm doubting myself, but from the feedback I get, I would be considered attractive. I make the most of myself, make an effort with fashion, hair and makeup, exercise regularly. I'm a girl's girl. I'm well able to hold my own in any intelligent conversation.

But I feel so lost when it comes to 'meeting someone' and at this stage in life, feel as though I'm about to get left on the shelf. All of a sudden, people are coupling up, getting engaged, getting married, having babies...and here I am, single as ever. Not even a date in sight. And I've dated. I've had one night stands, flings, short term set ups, spectacular first dates that led to nothing, constant crushes that I don't know how to act on, even tried the online thing for a while. Which led to a load of time wasters, guys I felt nothing for and guys who were just after one thing. Won't be trying that again.

I'm just getting a little lonely at this stage. I'm fine on my own. I'm a good team in and of myself. I've made myself proud, I've achieved a lot. I've set myself up in a really admirable job in a foreign country, I ran in a 10k race the other day. I'm active, I'm not a wallflower. But I am literally stumped when it comes to the opposite sex. I question how attractive I am, despite attention to the contrary, and I don't know how to broach interest with someone I am attracted to. So I take the scraps of attention I get from guys who feed it to me, usually when drunk, and once in a blue moon end up taking them home prematurely, solely to fulfill my sexual needs and wind up feeling disappointed when it turns out to be 'only sex' to them. Ridiculous, I know.

I just want what everyone else seems to achieve so easily. Someone to come home to, someone to share my life with and fall asleep with. I fabricate past relationships to anyone who asks because I'm so embarrassed about my lack of relationship experience and I actively ignore guys who I have a crush on because I've never learned how to be open in that way.

I just don't know. I've been out tonight with a group of friends, mostly couples, had a great night but ended up forging an elaborate lie about a past relationship with one of the lads in the group, when he asked about me being single. Because I'm ashamed, I'm scared of the judgement. He said 'but you're so pretty, you must get so much male attention' in such a blase way that it nearly made me cry. My self-esteem is so low because of my lack of ANYTHING relationship-wise that I struggle to see that anymore. I spend hours getting ready for a night out so I know on some level I must look nice, but someone says it and immediately I think they're crazy. Surely if I was all that, this wouldn't be such a life-long struggle?

So sorry for the self indulgent post. I'm a little drunk and emotional. I wouldn't bother with this post in the sober light of day because I'm so sick of listening to this self-pitying inner dialogue, it bores me to tears at this stage.

But here I am, throwing it all down into words and asking for feedback, asking for advice, asking for recognition that I'm not crazy, maybe I'm not alone. Coming back to an empty apartment again and wondering if my world will ever change.

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.

I am a friend

Ah pet. You are definitely not alone and definitely not crazy.... I think you are in a better position than most in that a lot of people (myself included) who have had numerous medium - long term relationships are left with some emotional baggage and cynicism, which you dont have to bring into a new relationship and thats a big plus. You are young yet and the most implortant thing is to know your value and not settle for those scraps... Why not try internet dating again? There are bound to be some diamonds in the rough!! Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP - I could have written your post apart from the flings and one night stands - cos basically I have had nothing, NADA with the opposite sex!!

I am also a mid-late twenties girl and over the last few days particularly I have been feeling extremely down about my lack of a relationship with a member of the opposite sex.

Like you, everyone around me seems to be having babies (4 girls in my office have all had babies in the last few months!), the other 2 girls around my age in work have boyfriends (one just told me about her boyfriend yesterday, just recently started going out with him) and here I am, still on the shelf.

My friends outside of work are lovely but I feel like we don't do enough social things. I used to hate going out to pubs/clubs but now I just suck it up and go because I'm convinced it's the only way I'm going to meet someone and we don't go very often - yet here I am STILL single.

I am quite shy like you when it comes to relationships and the longer it goes on the more worried I get. I also think to myself that no guy would be interested in someone like me with such a lack of experience. I am told fairly regularly that I'm very attractive but this does nothing for me when nothing is happening.

I really am a traditional girl, in that I'd love to meet someone and get married and have kids but to be honest I can't see it happening. I've been saying the same things for the past 3/4 years and nothing changes from year to year.

So I know exactly how you feel OP - can't really offer any advice except I know how you're feeling, you're not alone.

donna82

Ok well first things first FORGET internet dating, I've been on myself for a year and have met well mostly creeps but 1 real nice guy just not my type relationship wise but became a good friend. Internet dating is just so hard because as you said alot of guys are only looking for one thing........ My problem is I have 2 kids from a 15 year relationship so mayby my "baggage" put off the decent guys, clearly not if they were anyway decent !!!!!! anyhow :-) i don't think you have low self esteem as you think highly of yourself not in a bad way, you can admit your successful attractive and driven and how bad, good on you i say not many women can admit that always finding fault with the little things :-) but maybe guys are put off by how much you have going for you. Men really are ejits and alot think they should be the highly successful out going ones in my opinion anyway. So I say don't feel down and don't give up the right man is out there waiting for you and he will appreciate everything you have and you are. Next night your out don't silently scan the bar thinking, how about him, what about him. Go out with a clear head and blank canvas, don't even think about men or relationships and when your not expecting Im sure the right one will just appear :-) xx

singlepringle

Well it seems to me that while you say you're friendly, easy-going and sociable, the rest of what you've said suggests to me that you might be seem slightly unapproachable in a romantic sense. You're successful, independent, ambitious. You're very well presented. You're a "girl's girl". Do you think maybe this is slightly intimidating? Finding someone can start out by impressing them, but ultimately it's about finding things you can both relate to, and from the things you've posted here you don't seem to have much in common with an average joe. You say you can hold your own in any intelligent conversation, which could lead to two problems: are you able to hold your own in non-intelligent conversation - slagging or messing around? and are you maybe seeming a bit too knowledgeable? I'm not saying you should act like a barbie doll or anything, but sometimes it can be nice to feign slight ignorance about a topic. You're clearly impressive, but are you giving the guys a chance to feel like they're impressing you?

singlepringle wrote: »

I actively ignore guys who I have a crush on because I've never learned how to be open in that way.

He said 'but you're so pretty, you must get so much male attention' in such a blase way that it nearly made me cry.

These sentences stood out to me.
I'm quite shy, to the point that when I finally do get used to people they've told me I give off quite a terrible first impression. I've even been told by my current boyfriend that when he first met me I seemed seriously stuck-up. (but it was because I was just too nervous around someone new) Even though it's just that I'm scared of people on first meeting them, I can't blame people for making such a harsh judgement of me. I you're actively ignoring guys you like, then I'd say you're giving off a similar first-impression.

Look at this from a guys perspective:
He likes you. But you're a slightly intimidatingly successful woman, with no immediately obvious things in common with him. And you're actively ignoring him. Still, he takes a chance and enquires about your love life. You tell him about a past experience but confirm you're single. He tells you "but you're so pretty, you must get so much male attention". And instead of flirting back, you want to cry. I'd find it hard to believe that your body language didn't become slightly defensive at this point. As much as it's not your fault for feeling nervous about it, you must see how this might make a guy feel like he's not going to get anywhere.

I might be totally off the mark, but I'd say you might benefit from seeming a bit more down to earth and approachable, rather than showing off how impressive you are. Of course you should always be yourself, but just make it clear when you like someone, and don't worry about impressing them. It's great that you're such a strong woman, but sometimes it's good to show a bit of vulnerability.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the replies. It's a huge comfort to know I'm not the only one. This has been building for so long - 27 years to be precise - and it's a relief to just vent it out in writing to be honest.

True-or-False, your post struck a chord. I've taken a lot of the things you've said on board.

Just to answer a few things:

I've considered it, but I'm pretty sure I'm not projecting this intimidating, know-it-all image socially. I'm smart, I'm knowledgeable about some stuff but I'm also ignorant about others. I'd say I'm a good conversationalist but I'm also silly, love poking fun playfully, love a good slagging! I'd say I'm pretty well socialised in that regard. I guess I just meant if it comes down to it, I'd have a lot to contribute to the conversation if it got a little heavier.

I also think I may have misrepresented my sense of confidence in my original post. I do have a strong sense of self-belief, but I don't think this is something that defines me socially - I spend most of my time sh1te-talking, laughing and messing around like the rest of them. I just sort of went into overdrive in the OP to stress the point that I don't think I'm fundamentally flawed or lacking or anything. Also, work/my achievements etc aren't things I'll talk about socially unless they crop up - just like anyone else really. No-one who meets me for the first time will know what my job is or any of that.

You're definitely onto something with the ignoring-guys thing. I've always known this is a problem and it's really weird, because I'm generally pretty outgoing and don't have problems talking to the opposite sex - unless it's someone I'm attracted to. Then I clam up and find eye contact difficult. It's nearly a Pavlovian thing at this stage - I've just never gotten passed it. It's part of why I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of weird adolescent phase when it comes to my approach to romance and relationships - I literally don't know what to do, I don't know how to get passed the shyness. Maybe I do have a problem with vulnerability. I think I might be scared of many things: rejection, looking foolish, giving my 'power' up to some guy who could hurt me, losing control...I don't know, maybe it's a deep-seated thing. I don't know how to crack it. I just know that as long as my 'crushes' continue to intimidate me, I'll probably keep coming across as stuck up or aloof or something. Maybe I just need practice at the eye contact and body language.

It's scary because the longer this goes on and the older I get, the more hopeless I become because I feel like these behaviours and beliefs just get more deeply ingrained.

And as to seeming very confident - I don't know to be honest. I think I move between healthy and low self-esteem constantly. I'll feel great for a while but it comes crashing down very easily. These issues contribute massively to it. If I'm so great, so normal, why am I under every man's radar when it comes to relationships?

I have struggled with body image issues in the past that do still plague me, maybe in a bigger way than I'd care to admit. I think these days I maybe over-compensate by making the big effort with hair and makeup etc.

If it makes a difference, I come from a strong female background - all sisters and no brothers, mother would be the dominant parent, all girl's school and for most of my life I've had far more female than male friends. I emotionally connect strongly with females in a way that I don't seem to with many males. Maybe that makes me unapproachable, this seeming lack of common ground?

Thanks again for taking the time to reply x

neuro-praxis

You sound like a lovely person with absolutely everything going for her.

I have two suggestions.

Firstly, you need to learn to love and appreciate yourself and your body and all your talents and gifts, and be very happy with your own company. You are stuck with yourself so it might as well be a good relationship!

Secondly, would you consider asking your trusted friends to start setting you up on dates. One of my best friends came to me last year (she was 28) and said she was asking her close friends to attempt some set-ups. Since then she has had about 10 dates with 10 different guys and right now one of them is turning into a mad romance! Try it. You have a good network of friends and they might be able to recommend lovely fellas for you who are in the same boat and want the same things.

LegacyUser

singlepringle wrote: »

Thank you all for the replies. It's a huge comfort to know I'm not the only one. This has been building for so long - 27 years to be precise - and it's a relief to just vent it out in writing to be honest.

True-or-False, your post struck a chord. I've taken a lot of the things you've said on board.

Just to answer a few things:

I've considered it, but I'm pretty sure I'm not projecting this intimidating, know-it-all image socially. I'm smart, I'm knowledgeable about some stuff but I'm also ignorant about others. I'd say I'm a good conversationalist but I'm also silly, love poking fun playfully, love a good slagging! I'd say I'm pretty well socialised in that regard. I guess I just meant if it comes down to it, I'd have a lot to contribute to the conversation if it got a little heavier.

I also think I may have misrepresented my sense of confidence in my original post. I do have a strong sense of self-belief, but I don't think this is something that defines me socially - I spend most of my time sh1te-talking, laughing and messing around like the rest of them. I just sort of went into overdrive in the OP to stress the point that I don't think I'm fundamentally flawed or lacking or anything. Also, work/my achievements etc aren't things I'll talk about socially unless they crop up - just like anyone else really. No-one who meets me for the first time will know what my job is or any of that.

You're definitely onto something with the ignoring-guys thing. I've always known this is a problem and it's really weird, because I'm generally pretty outgoing and don't have problems talking to the opposite sex - unless it's someone I'm attracted to. Then I clam up and find eye contact difficult. It's nearly a Pavlovian thing at this stage - I've just never gotten passed it. It's part of why I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of weird adolescent phase when it comes to my approach to romance and relationships - I literally don't know what to do, I don't know how to get passed the shyness. Maybe I do have a problem with vulnerability. I think I might be scared of many things: rejection, looking foolish, giving my 'power' up to some guy who could hurt me, losing control...I don't know, maybe it's a deep-seated thing. I don't know how to crack it. I just know that as long as my 'crushes' continue to intimidate me, I'll probably keep coming across as stuck up or aloof or something. Maybe I just need practice at the eye contact and body language.

It's scary because the longer this goes on and the older I get, the more hopeless I become because I feel like these behaviours and beliefs just get more deeply ingrained.

And as to seeming very confident - I don't know to be honest. I think I move between healthy and low self-esteem constantly. I'll feel great for a while but it comes crashing down very easily. These issues contribute massively to it. If I'm so great, so normal, why am I under every man's radar when it comes to relationships?

I have struggled with body image issues in the past that do still plague me, maybe in a bigger way than I'd care to admit. I think these days I maybe over-compensate by making the big effort with hair and makeup etc.

If it makes a difference, I come from a strong female background - all sisters and no brothers, mother would be the dominant parent, all girl's school and for most of my life I've had far more female than male friends. I emotionally connect strongly with females in a way that I don't seem to with many males. Maybe that makes me unapproachable, this seeming lack of common ground?

Thanks again for taking the time to reply x

You could be my double! This is exactly how I feel! I just wouldn't have an iota how to even conduct a relationship and I am always shy around guys I fancy, but would chat away to fellas I have absolutely no interest in.

I also went to all female schools and have all female friends so I don't socialise much with the opposite sex. I'm 27 also :-) We could be twins.

I understand your pain (it may seem insignificant to some but it's a big deal to me)

I think it's a confidence thing also with us - I know I don't have a high opinion of myself a lot of the time and I put myself down a lot so that obviously doesn't help :-(

LegacyUser

Hi OP! Going unreg for this but I'm just throwing in a guy's perspective here. I liked your post and could say I'm similar enough myself. I'm very independent and always, if given the option, I'd prefer doing my own thing. For a long time I didn't really see any point in relathionships but I'd get into the odd crush here and there and have an awful time trying to do anything about it. The scariest part though was if I did end up in a long term relationship! That's never happened but I'm not sure if I'd be prepared for it!

I'm in my mid 30's so you're a bit behind me. All my friends are married, some have kids and even the stragglers seem to have gotten themselves attached over the past while. Not me however! Having said that, I'm pretty comfortable with myself and generally happy doing my own thing. I guess it'd be nice to meet somebody but I don't have a plan and I suppose it'll happen when it happens.

For me a lot of what held/holds me back is that I'm serious with people. I don't generally screw them around and I don't expect it to be done to myself either. I never got into the whole casual relationship thing. In my 20's I worked fairly hard and was focused on my career so that fulfilled me and I didn't see the point of going out with people for a few weeks and then having it end. From my p.o.v. you might as well just be single. Now my priorities have changed and my life and quality time come first. At this point I wouldn't mind being in a relationship but, like you OP, I seem to lack the basic skills to even get into one! I'm not even sure how to begin to figure it out. Waht's worse is that, as a guy, you're kind of expected to initiate things a bit more really. I'm outgoing and not very shy and have a good sense of humour so I get on grand in general with people but I suppose I just can't take it from chatting to anything else

So, OP, you're not the only one out there. Maybe we should form an 'inept daters' club :

Fizzlesque

singlepringle wrote: »

I don't know how to establish and maintain a relationship. .

You're most definitely not alone, that's for sure. I've been single for so long now (12 years, not counting the odd dalliance here and there) it makes me laugh when I take stock of how 'out-of-the-loop' I am. Currently, I have a potential romantic involvement warming up slightly, and that's about as hot as I can handle at the moment because I've spent so many years learning to live alone it's now second nature to me.

For me, there were good reasons to opt out of the relationship arena but I didn't realise that that was what I was doing until I went for counselling for a separate issue. Might be no harm to talk to a trained professional. A good one is great for getting you to the nub of any recurring issues. The domino effect is fantastic too - once I started clearing away very old debris, I found it created a space big enough for potential for new love clamber into.

I think humans can sometimes shut parts of themselves off and not realise they've done so, until it's cranked open again.

You'll get there, I believe. Your opening post was so eloquently and viscerally written, I really felt it. I wish you the very best of luck. x

LegacyUser

Me again.

Thanks for the continued replies. It means a lot and it helps a lot.

Fizzlesque, I actually had a physical reaction to your post. I think you hit the nail on the head in a slightly distressing way for me.

I feel like I do possibly have some sort of mental block to romance/relationships, instinctively that feels like it's true. I don't know if there's something profound happening on a sub-conscious level, but I just don't know if I'm sufficiently open in the way that I need to be and I need to do a lot of digging to figure out why. Maybe lots of things. Self-protection, fear, confidence issues, control, who knows? All I know is I have zero relationship experience, despite a deep longing for one, and an otherwise healthy social circle. I have great friendships, great family relationships...there has to be something deeper at play. I wonder Fizzlesque - if you would care to divulge any further about what sort of issues you discovered were standing in your own way? I completely understand if that's too personal to share, maybe it's wrong of me to ask, it just might help me in my own search for reasons.

The male poster above mentioned about being serious with people...I think my problem is the opposite. I'm at the stage where I'm so tired of the disappointment of shattered hope that I don't even bother to expect much from potential partners anymore. I'm tired of liking someone, wanting someone, and then the false starts and disappearing acts that follow.

And on the other hand, I'm too old for games. I too don't really see the point in casual set ups and I don't think I could emotionally invest in something, knowing it would have a short shelf life. So I don't. I don't even have an interest in dating at the moment. I'm just disillusioned, frustrated and a little sad about the whole thing.

But hey. It's just one part of life after all. Maybe I'm just an exceptionally late starter??

Fizzlesque

singlepringle wrote: »

Me again.

Thanks for the continued replies. It means a lot and it helps a lot.

Fizzlesque, I actually had a physical reaction to your post. I think you hit the nail on the head in a slightly distressing way for me.

I feel like I do possibly have some sort of mental block to romance/relationships, instinctively that feels like it's true. I don't know if there's something profound happening on a sub-conscious level, but I just don't know if I'm sufficiently open in the way that I need to be and I need to do a lot of digging to figure out why. Maybe lots of things. Self-protection, fear, confidence issues, control, who knows? All I know is I have zero relationship experience, despite a deep longing for one, and an otherwise healthy social circle. I have great friendships, great family relationships...there has to be something deeper at play. I wonder Fizzlesque - if you would care to divulge any further about what sort of issues you discovered were standing in your own way? I completely understand if that's too personal to share, maybe it's wrong of me to ask, it just might help me in my own search for reasons.

I don't mind to elaborate a little, but I don't think you should look for answers to your questions in someone else's experience - the reasons will be as unique as you are.

I have had relationships (two) but when the last one ended, 12 years ago, I launched headlong into only ever meeting men that were never going to amount to anything more than a brief fling or one night stand. This suited me for a long time, but the time duly arrived when it no longer suited me. Unfortunately, it no longer suiting me didn't make more suitable men appear on my horizon, so in time I just gave up on the idea of meeting anyone and started to view myself as one of life's permanently single people. I even managed to convince myself that that was what I wanted, for a while.

After about year 6, I started to feel lonely, and when that loneliness increased exponentially, year after year, I realised I didn't want to remain single all my life, so I joined a few internet dating sites. I really didn't like them, and after a number of disappointing dates I closed my account(s).

At this time I was also partying a lot and trying to bury my loneliness, which, unfortunately I got very good at. Lots of great nights partying which I really enjoyed but which always ended in me having to go home (eventually) to my empty house and the emotions that waited for me there, in the silence.

I went for counselling to stop smoking dope, something I'd become far too fond of over my years of partying, but once I started talking about 'stuff' lots more tumbled out and there was plenty to choose from: a traumatic and abusive childhood, unresolved grief from the fact I'd made the decision to have my daughter adopted (20 years ago), the loss of my mother when I was three years old, an aggressive and abusive stepmother, a lack of guidance and structure - feeling like a wild-flower blowing haphazardly in the wind all my life, from childhood and continuing in adulthood. All these things (and more besides) were swirling about my psyche and causing me to close off and try to disappear from living a full life.

To try shorten this already long-winded response, I'll say that for me unresolved grief (mostly about my daughter) and a lack of trust that those who say they love me won't let me down in my time of need (from my father's neglect), and a negative belief that life is always painful, resulted in me turning to a life of severe emotional self-sufficiency. The longer it went on, the more stagnant my life became which further cut me off being open to the idea of falling in love. Protecting myself from further hurt, which, ironically, eventually reached a stage of being able to cause even more hurt, in the form of apathy and loneliness. I don't know exactly what part of my counselling instigated the changes in me, but I do know shifting a few things can make other stuff subside and tumble, and that's good sometimes. Takes time though, no overnight cures, I'm sorry to have to say.

I think I'm wandering too far away from the issue, which is how you feel, so I'm going to stop here. I don't expect my story to be the same as your story - and I don't know if anything I've written is of any use to you. I just wanted (initially) to let you know you're definitely not alone in this situation.

LegacyUser

That was me... for all of my twenties... you are absolutely not alone!

A few pointers which helped me finally end up in my first serious relationship - in my mid thirties! There was a bit of luck involved also, of course....

A girl can be too independent. A bit of vulnerability in a woman is no harm as men love to feel they are taking care of you (well the men I know are like that anyway!)

Observe other women's behaviour. I was an expert at giving guys the cold shoulder when they would come up to me in a pub or wherever. I started observing other women and noticed that many of them, even if they weren't particularly interested in a guy, accepted the attention graciously, had a laugh, and then moved on. Lesson learned!

Let yourself fail in relationships. If your heart hasn't been broken a few times, if you haven't gone out with somebody completely wrong for you or if you haven't felt a complete fool at some stage in a relationship, you haven't lived! You learn from your mistakes. And remember, every mistake you have made in a relationship has been made a million times before.

Admit that you're single. The year I finally admitted I was single was the year I met my lovely boyfriend. If you don't tell people you're single, nobody is going to try and set you up with their lovely single friend / son / brother. And if you don't let guys know you're single they will presume you are attached (since you are such a lovely attractive and fun woman...)

Go for it I say!

amacca

OP like some others who have replied above...I could be you , a male you (in many more respects than you might think)

I'd just like to say I know how it feels to be totally inept when in comes to this aspect of life......I know how it feels to like someone and not know what to do about it and seem to end up doing exactly the opposite of what you would like to and in my case alienate them etc

I know how it feels to be able to forget about it and block it out for periods of time and fly high only to come crashing back down to earth...the fragile self esteem bit despite being very successful in other areas of life rings a bell etc

So

1) you are not alone...........in fact I've been a regular reader of this board for the past while and I have been amazed by the number of posters that have similar problems to myself,, I've also been amazed at the amount of people with much worse problems........................I genuinely thought I was the only one (its a certain amount of comfort to know that I'm not imo)

2) Don't give up / panic ...I feel like hypocrite typing that but I think the only worthwhile response is to keep working away at the problem..................I gave up for a good long time after watching who I thought was the love of my life marry "some guy" recently after a long long time I finally met someone I was interested in and seemed to be interested in me only to find I was reading the "signals" totally wrong and I think it actually makes the girl physically uncomfortable to be around me now (a particularly galling/distressong outcome) and one which really had me panicked for weeks and weeks.....I go on dates now and I wonder wtf I'm doing and whats wrong with because I just seem to find someone I really like some rarely and anyone I do like it never works out.....at one stage, not too long ago I was nearly going around with semi-paranoid delusions that I was cursed or doomed never to be loved/liked by those I liked.

but although people may help, no one will really be able to dig yourself out of this hole except you...................I'm still going to keep at it and you should too imo......maybe its the cynic in me but I don't subscribe to the whole someone will come along when you are not looking for them...maybe but I think you have struggle for a long time beforehand nonetheless

I called time on internet dating recently and there are just not that many opportunities to socialize in my work but I am trying out as many different things to meet as many different people in the real world as possible....speed dating, tag rugby, rejoined the gym (used to train for marathons on my own etc), salsa classes, joined dating agency etc.....................would any of these sound like they could help you?

for me it reduces down the opportunities for self pity and it makes me feel like I'm doing something (however unimaginative) to address the problem.........it would be worse I think If I looked back and had not tried............I'm not sure I'd be O.K. with it if I ended up alone (which I think is a possibility) but I know I wouldn't be O.K. with it if I gave up

Anyway...I'm not sure how much of that made sense but I genuinely wish you the best of luck and I hope you find someone and have a great life together

@rti-shm@rti

singlepringle wrote: »

I'm generally pretty outgoing and don't have problems talking to the opposite sex - unless it's someone I'm attracted to. Then I clam up and find eye contact difficult. It's nearly a Pavlovian thing at this stage - I've just never gotten passed it. It's part of why I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of weird adolescent phase when it comes to my approach to romance and relationships - I literally don't know what to do, I don't know how to get passed the shyness. Maybe I do have a problem with vulnerability. I think I might be scared of many things: rejection, looking foolish, giving my 'power' up to some guy who could hurt me, losing control...I don't know, maybe it's a deep-seated thing. I don't know how to crack it. I just know that as long as my 'crushes' continue to intimidate me, I'll probably keep coming across as stuck up or aloof or something.

Oh this is totally me. And you know it really is a confidence issue. Not being sure enough of yourself to just relax and be natural in front of someone you feel like you should be impressing and subconsciously also a lack of confidence that it all might end up working out positively......... i.e. you might not end up getting hurt in the long term.

I actively ignore people I like and (how I don't know) expect them to pick up on non-existent signals and then am devestated for ages when one of my crushes shows no interest!

Reading your post made me realise a bit that I need to stop questioning why I don't have a boyfriend, in fairness I'm well aware of all the things I'm doing wrong and just change it all. I'd be reaonably certain that you know why as well, it's a confidence thing you need to work on and until you change that nothings going to happen. The right lad could be lurking around the corner for you but if you end up ignoring him in a bar somewhere and he's not inclined to get knocked back twice he could in theory pass you by

LegacyUser

I'm another poster who thinks you could be describing my life...also 27, for extra weirdness! I've had relationships but can't seem to get them properly off the ground, so things just fizzle out. I've never understood how other people manage to get past that casual seeing-each other stage into anything more long-term. I go on dates and we have a good time, but then people don't seem to want to keep seeing me. I know I'm quite reserved, largely due to the way I was brought up, but I have no problem talking about things in depth when required.

What has really opened my eyes this year is a sort of group counselling thing I'm doing. I'm friendly (despite having been very shy when younger), interested in others and have a good sense of humour so I don't find it difficult to talk to people, however the feedback I got from others in the group was a smack in the face at times. One girl told me she found me quite two-dimensional. Another guy, who I really liked and often thought would be the kind of person I'd like to know outside of the group, was asked what his impressions of me were. We always got on well and shared a similar sense of humour so I was expecting something nice. He said he found me "cold and frustrating"! That he would like to get to know me better but couldn't because I wouldn't let him.

This was all a revelation for me. Various people I've dated before have commented on me being hard to read, or reserved, or shy, or very independent...etc, etc, but I'd never put everything together before and seen it as such an enduring character trait to put up barriers to people getting close to me. All I could think of for days was every wet squib of a relationship and how I had been angry with the guys for just losing interest out of the blue when I hadn't done anything wrong, and how instead I could now see that I had never let anyone get closer to me...no wonder they'd just given up and moved on! No matter how well I got on with someone the relationships just stayed on a superficial level where we had great conversations and a lot of fun until they got bored and stopped trying for anything more.

I had a date a few week, from an online dating site. I thought we were getting on great and really liked him, until he said "You don't give much away, do you?" Yet another throwaway comment that I wouldn't have read anything into before but now is added to my list of times people have expressed difficulty in knowing how I felt and I gave them nothing back. I don't know how my experience can be so different to what the other person gets from me!

I don't know how I go about changing this, but knowing I do it is the start. I'm clearly giving off vibes of not being open to a relationship and people pick up on this.

OP, I think you could really benefit from therapy to explore this. Group therapy would be ideal, because it explores the ways you relate to others in a real-life setting. Also, no matter how good your friends are, they will never be able to be as honest as strangers would. My friends have said plenty of similar things to me over the years but in a sugar-coated way. It took a total stranger, with no agenda, to make me put it all together and realise how blind I was to how I come across to others and what a gap there is between what I feel and how I convey it.

Good luck anyway. I was actually going to post my own RI on this but it's comforting to know others are in the same boat!

LegacyUser

I can't tell you all how much these replies are helping me. Some of these posts have really opened my eyes, so thank you all for taking the time.

Fizzlesque - thanks for sharing something so personal. It's made me think about my own past experiences and the knock-on effects that they might have had on my own thoughts and behaviours. I know there are things in my past that have caused me to close myself off in the way that I feel I have...getting to the root of them seems a bit of an overwhelming task at the moment. I'm not sure I can do it without the help of a therapist and to be really honest, I'm not sure I want to open that can of worms. I know it can take years and a lot of work to start to heal and really change behaviours that have become habit. But then, there's nothing easy about being where I am right now either.

So Familiar - I took so much comfort from the fact that you spent your 20s in a similar position and eventually met someone. It was sort of what I needed to hear. But that made me realise that I've lost so much hope. I don't know why I have and yet I do, if that makes any sense. I know my own worth...I know - at least in an academic sense - that I have a lot to offer. And yet being single without any real prospects on the horizon is all I've ever known so it's hard to imagine that changing.

In terms of watching other women's behaviour...I do think flirting is something I'm not great at. I'm not sure I ever got comfortable doing it, at least in any blatant way. I was out the other night and a cousin of one of my friends came along, a guy I've met a few times before and I always sort of got the vibe that he might find me attractive (hope that doesn't sound cocky, I could be way off the mark of course!) Just the way he'd look at me in a lingering sense and would always make the effort to talk to me, always poking fun at me in a flirty way. He's a lovely guy but I wouldn't be interested in a romantic sense and it's like I just didn't know what to do with the attention. Didn't know where to look. I could barely make eye contact with the guy for fear of...I don't know, leading him on? Seeming available? I was so acutely aware of my own behaviour and know that any confident, secure woman would just take it as a compliment and be well able to deal with it. I'm obviously not that woman.

That in turn has made me think about how I interact with other people and if that is the root of the problem. Another One - I've been milling over your post ever since I read it. So much food for thought for me. I've always thought of myself as outgoing, friendly, can talk to anyone, great conversationalist...but how do I really come across? Is my body language off-putting? I feel like I may have the same problem as you, especially given how I have a lot of similar experiences in terms of men I'm dating just 'disappearing'. I've gotten used to playing the victim on that one...'I did nothing wrong, they just stopped texting' and 'they're not worth it', but maybe me being completely emotionally unavailable is just screaming out at them through my body language and they just got bored and moved on?

I've never had any feedback from the opposite sex in terms of how I come across and I don't know how I would even obtain that so it's really hard to figure out. I just know that I am ferociously independent, don't even feel comfortable at the idea of being 'at the mercy of' someone else - which I think is an unhealthy attitude towards the vulnerability that is necessary to get into a relationship - and that has to be coming across with the guys I meet who I think I could have potential with.

I'm sort of emotionally drained from thinking about this the past few days. I got a bit upset about it yesterday and I've noticed that my eating habits have been affected the past few days too. I've a history of eating issues and this is the first thing that goes when I'm upset about something. I'm thinking I should look into finding a good therapist, maybe someone who specialises in relationships or something.

Anyway, thanks again to everyone for your insights. It's not an easy subject to talk about or even figure out, but this has been a great start for me. I hope you all find peace with this in your own lives x