After affects of an affair

LegacyUser

To make a long story short Im just going to give the major details of this situation. My partner of 4 years fell in love with someone else and had an affair for a few months. She had moved out during this time but we were still together. Still saw each other regularly and spoke all the time. After a few months she came back to me and promised me the moon and the stars, while still with the other person. The affair never stopped until the other person found out what had been going on. They in turn contacted me and told me everything, the day before our sons birthday! (They were well aware of this fact also)

We tried sorting things out after this, but she went back to the other person- again! She came clean, saying she realised she had made a mistake and all the rest of the excuses they give you.

We are now on attempt 3 (official attempt at least) and it is still not working. I dont believe she wants to be with me. I believe the other person doesnt want to be with her and Im a back up. She is the one not wanting to be intimate with me even though I tried to get back some of the intimacy and closeness thinking it might help us forward. Not wanting to spend time with me and in my eyes not really trying to fix anything. I know this may not be the case but the feelings are still there non the less. I am so angry all the time. I was devastated by what she did, and the worst part is she didnt care. She fell in love with someone else while I fell apart....

Is there any point? Has anyone had any experience with a similar issue? Has anyone ever cheated on their partner and could maybe help explain why this happened? I am heartbroken, heartbroken and angry and get no relief from this situation. I dream about it, I see this other person in the faces of everyone I meet. I think about them together all the time. It has consumed me..... I dont know what to do anymore, please, any advice would be appreciated.

Payton

Hi op, what a dreadful situation. You are being used as a doormat, sorry but to need to man up here and tell her to go...and as quickly as possible.
Your relationship is over as far as I can tell, a couple of things to do.
1. See a solicter and find out where you stand with your rights.
2. Seek counselling for yourself.
3. Try a get some time of work.
4. Look after yourself, mentally and physically.
I've been in roughly the same situation and its horrendous, soul destroying for you and your family.
You need to focus on you.....she is gone from your relationship and it was HER choice.
You will get through this...but it has to be about YOU from now on.
Best of luck.

ManOfMystery

OP, it really sounds like you are simply there as her backup. When people have an affair, they generally come back grovelling and doing absolutely anything they can to repair the damage they've done - your other half sounds like she has absolutely no respect for you and doesn't seem one bit sorry.

You are worth much more than that. Get rid of her, and get back some of your self-worth.

bouncebouncey

I'm afraid the other posters are right OP. You're very much Plan B in all this. The fact that she repeatedly tried to strike out on here own, only to come back half heartedly when she was rejected, should tell you all you need to know. If this other guy (or any other guy for that matter) had have wanted to stay with her she wouldn't have come back to you at all. You're her safety net and not much more now. She's showing you no love or respect.

I'd go with on the verge's plan. It's going to be really tough to go through with this. But it will be a million times worse in the long run if you let this drag on.

squonk

Hi OP. Sorry to hear about what you're going through. It's never happened to me but I can say I'm with the other posters here. All of us do stupid things from time to time and some people will end up having affairs. Finding out about an other half's affair is bad enough. If it happens once and the other party is ashamed, realises what they've lost and wants to come back then there is some justification for taking them back. We all do stupid things as I've said. The right course of action on the part of the transgressor is to do everything possible to ensure that never happens again.

In your case though your wife has taken up where she left off with the other guy and you're on your third attempt at a reconcilliation. Stop being a doormat. Having somebody who takes you back after an affair is a great thing. Your wife has no concept of the value of that and is only using you as a place to be when things are rocky with the other guy. Frankly you deserve far better and she deserves the mess she's made for herself. It's hard but the best thing you can do is to get out. There isn't really anything remaining of what you had.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replys. I know I only gave one side of the story in this. I have left out how I reacted very badly when I found out the truth.... I left out how I start arguments every other week, that I can be horrible in my own right.... There is always three sides to a story and I only told you mine.... She hasnt given her side, and neither of us will tell the whole truth.....

Is there any hope?

LegacyUser

Op seriously I hope you don't have kids together because the situation is just messed up. Regardless of how many sides there are to the story this relationship sounds toxic and you's both seem to be using and abusing each other. Man up and cut your losses ...what's the point in having a relationship if there is no trust between the two of you. She is running off to another guy and then back to you and then back to him and now is back with you...sounds like an episode out of Shamless.

LegacyUser

trust your gut....the writing is on the wall and you know it. your relationship is as dead as history. it's obviously a very tough situation to be in but trying to flog a dead horse is only delaying the inevitable and prolonging the pain.

hondasam

Needing advice on affair wrote: »

Thanks for all your replys. I know I only gave one side of the story in this. I have left out how I reacted very badly when I found out the truth.... I left out how I start arguments every other week, that I can be horrible in my own right.... There is always three sides to a story and I only told you mine.... She hasnt given her side, and neither of us will tell the whole truth.....

Is there any hope?

I believe we can all make a mistake and everyone deserves a second chance but it seems your partner has used up all her chances.
With that post you are still making excuses for her, if she does not love you there is no hope for ye as a couple. I assume you start fights about her affair, you cannot forget about it and unfortunately the best solution is to move on without her.
what is stopping ye telling the truth?

Wompa1

The fact point out there's more to it would make me think you are pretty rational and you are getting the brunt of it. Personally I don't think there's any valid excuse for cheating on somebody no matter what they do to you. Break up and then move on, you don't cheat. The fact she got back with you and cheated on your again is a clear indicator you are a backup. If I was you I would dumb her in the most humiliating way possible but then I've turned into a very spiteful person when it comes to cheaters!

ash23

OP my ex broke up with me. I had my suspicions that he had been cheating on me but he denied it. After a week or so he asked to meet up and admitted to cheating but said he wanted to give it another go. It was guilt or obligation or something similar. It certainly wasn't because he wanted me over her.

Being honest I knew his heart wasn't in it and said that in order to try again we needed counseling and he needed to earn my trust back.
He wasn't willing to do that so we left it there.

I won't pretend it didn't hurt and I was a total mess after we split but I got over him and my life now is a lot better. I am still single but that's ok. Being single isn't worse than being torn apart in a dead end relationship.

From what you've posted your partner has checked out of the relationship already. She doesn't respect you. She is just scared of being on her own. But I'm sorry to say as soon as this other guy clicks his fingers, she'll go back. Or it will be some other guy.
She doesn't seem sorry or seem to think your relationship needs work to make it work. She is causing you misery and anguish every day and isn't even bothered by that.

I think the writing is on the wall but it's up to you to see it.

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

Being honest I knew his heart wasn't in it and said that in order to try again we needed counseling and he needed to earn my trust back.
He wasn't willing to do that so we left it there.

Believe it or not we are in counselling. Admittedly we are going separately but we are doing it..... Im not sure if it makes much of a difference at this point. I think coming on this I wanted someone to give me hope. Someone outside of the situation who didnt know either of us, just of the facts. Even with that Im beginning to realise there isnt really any.

She says she still loves me, but now she doesnt know if the right thing to do is be with me..... I hate to admit it to myself where this is going but I think its very obvious to everyone, I just need to be honest and stop living with the hope....

LegacyUser

hondasam wrote: »

what is stopping ye telling the truth?

What truth do you mean?

hondasam

Needing advice on affair wrote: »

Thanks for all your replys. I know I only gave one side of the story in this. I have left out how I reacted very badly when I found out the truth.... I left out how I start arguments every other week, that I can be horrible in my own right.... There is always three sides to a story and I only told you mine.... She hasnt given her side, and neither of us will tell the whole truth.....

Is there any hope?

Needing advice on affair wrote: »

What truth do you mean?

This?

LegacyUser

Oh, what I meant with that is there are 3 sides to the story. My side, hers and then the truth.... The truth is always a mix between the two. Just because I see something one way doesnt mean that Im correct in my thinking.....

Stavro Mueller

It sounds like you are trying to come up with every single excuse on this planet to try and keep this sham of a relationship going. You are correct in saying that there are always 3 sides to a story but you cannot explain away the problem by saying this. The 3 sides will still tell you that she left you for another man/woman. Twice.

What I'm seeing is someone who is so desperate to hold on to this woman that he's trying to come up with every excuse under the sun for why things are they way they are. I notice you said that when she left you the first time you were still together? Does this mean that even though she was seeing this other person that you were still sleeping with each other?

What's very clear is that she's only back with you because she can't be with this other person. Perhaps too because she has nowhere else to go. You've got a son you said so that's another complication. It takes two people to make a relationship work. No amount of counselling is going to re-programme your partner and make her love you again.

Someone here once said that the power in a relationship rests with the person who wants it less. Have a think about that.

The Corinthian

cymbaline wrote: »

It sounds like you are trying to come up with every single excuse on this planet to try and keep this sham of a relationship going.

Could you blame him? They have a child together, which means if they break up he's no longer going to see his son on a daily basis at the very least (let's not pretend that he has a chance of getting custody). Secondly, while they're not married, they are together four years and with a child in the mix, that means that she's entitled to maintenance for herself and to claim twoards his assets, pension, etc. in addition to child maintenance.

Given what he has to lose if the relationship ends, I can well imagine he'll be willing to grasp straws to avoid that.

Counselling separately is not going to help, IMO. They really need to do so together otherwise either course of counselling may well conclude that the relationship is better off being abandoned. Shared counselling would prioritize the relationship and may also raise issues that have as yet been overlooked (as there are three sides to a story, as has been said) and may provide hope of a solution.

Or not. As has been said, he's the fall-back guy at present. He represents a relationship, as opposed to none, and a father to their child - but ultimately he is expendable. If this cannot be changed then sooner or later the relationship will end, either when he has had enough or she finds another man who will take her. And the resentment that will likely follow from either scenario will make things worse.

Beruthiel

Needing advice on affair wrote: »

She says she still loves me, but now she doesnt know if the right thing to do is be with me..... I hate to admit it to myself where this is going but I think its very obvious to everyone, I just need to be honest and stop living with the hope....

Is what The Corinthian said above keeping you with her OP?
Are you staying for the sake of your child?

Personally, I couldn't take that kind of mental torture.
That kind of messing with your head has got to be taking it's toll, wearing you down, until you can no longer think straight or make a decision.
You can no longer see the woods for the trees.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.

Step outside this for a minute.
Pretend this was all happening to a friend of yours, what you say to him?

susiebubbles

OP I haven't experienced this but my friend was in a similar position except she cheated. It was all very messy and much as you have said there was three versions of the story. I gave my opinion when asked (which was, for both of them, move on- this is not good for either of you) as they broke up and got back together again over and over. I honestly thought they were dead in the water. I was wrong; they found a way to fix what had gone wrong and now are stronger than before (3 years later + baby and very happy).

I can see why other posters say your being taken for a mug but you admit that there is a pair of you in it. I would find it difficult to be close to my partner if he was behaving as you say you are so it seems like your in a vicious cycle here- you find it difficult to move on from what she did and she cannot open up to you because of your behaviour.

The important piece here is do you love her and do you want to be with her? If you do then the pair of you are going to have to find a way to let go of the hurt you are carrying. Couple counselling, to me, seems like a great start. Doing nice thoughtful things for each other- go on a date! (Hard when your angry and hurt, I know!).

I've learnt that people outside of the couple can have all the opinions in the world and it doesn't matter a damn only you and your girl know what is really going on and what your heart tells ya.

Peanut2011

OP, the fact that she did it to you once and you took her back. Than second time and you still took her back, shows me that she has little or no respect for you and your feelings.

I would say to you after the first time you should have called the end on that relationship. I know it must be hard as you do have a child together but I think the way things are at the moment it is worse for the child than if you were separated.

Please OP, think long and hard, she has made the fool out of you twice, what is there stopping her doing it again?

LegacyUser

Reading your posts OP really saddens me. It saddens me because from reading them I know you're going to take her back. From the sound of things shes going to make the rest of your life a continued misery. She has cheated on you twice. She didn't even tell you the second time! I mean put it this way, the guy who is ****ing her had more respect for you by telling you than she did. The saddest part is that you are going to continue to be trampled on and its going to be no one else's fault but your own.

This wasn't a one night stand. This was an affair. This was an affair that happened twice. This was an affair that would still be happening if the other man didn't tell you. You're wife had no intention of telling you. She was happy to continue ****ing this guy behind your back. She has no respect for you. She wasn't even sorry. You are being used.

Stand up and protect yourself. Believe me this sort of situation is not good for your mental health, your self-esteem or your confidence. You need to remove yourself from it immediately.

As for custody, if the conduct of the parties in a divorce is taken into account then considering your wife has had TWO affairs then I think you've a good chance of equal access.

The Corinthian

guhbg wrote: »

As for custody, if the conduct of the parties in a divorce is taken into account then considering your wife has had TWO affairs then I think you've a good chance of equal access.

First of all, they're not married, so it's not a divorce. How her actions will effect the financial side of things I cannot say, as the cohabitation bill is still relatively new and I'm not sure if there are any guidelines to this in place as yet.

As to custody and access, these are two separate things. There's no such thing as equal access and I think you're confusing this with joint custody. He'll certainly get access, she'll almost certainly get custody, but that she will have to share it with him is another matter - that she was unfaithful to him is not technically relevant to the well-being of the child, after all.

Other factors come into play there: Does he have guardianship? Does he share the carer role for the child (or is he the primary carer)? Does she have a job/income or is she his dependant?

The reality is that whatever about maintenance and assets for her (which she almost certainly has a claim to), she'll almost certainly get custody and he'll get access. If he does not have guardianship, he should apply for this without delay, as otherwise she can simply leave the country with the child. Beyond that, a lot of it comes down to her good will in the event of a separation - she will have the power to make things very difficult for him.

Emme

OP, you are just a back up for her. Get legal advice and decide if you want to stay with her under the circumstances or move on. You would have no problem finding somebody else in time, but give yourself a chance to heal.

Good luck whatever you choose to do.