Bad mannered niece

LegacyUser

My niece is 9 years old, I have only recently started seeing her again as her mother, my sister, and I had a bad falling out. I am not a big fan of my sister or her partner but am just talking to them to keep the peace and see the kids.

However there is an issue, my niece has the manners of a pig, she is rude, expects everyone to be at her beckon call. I know that this isn't her fault, it's her parents, they are grabbers, they expect everything handed on a plate to them and gratitude is something neither of them have any knowledge of. They have passed on these dirty traits to my niece and it makes my blood boil.

For instance my niece has both a phone and a facebook account, neither of which I agree with but thats not my call. She uses both of these to contact me asking me to do stuff for her and if I can't then she gives me cheek. For instance this evening she asked my if I had a specific DVD, I wrote back, sorry I don't have that one, she then replied, thanx for nothin.

How do I deal with this, it makes my blood boil, she is not my child but I am often sorely tempted to give out to her, tell her stop being so cheeky etc. But I know that my sister will fall out with me because they think she is an angel who can do no wrong, I would be absolutely mortified if my child spoke to anyone like that.

IronDuke

frustratedaunt wrote: »

For instance this evening she asked my if I had a specific DVD, I wrote back, sorry I don't have that one, she then replied, thanx for nothin.

It's difficult to see the context of this message. What may sound like an abrupt text to an adult may seem like an appropriate "txt spk" response to a 9 year old.

Remember that you are an adult and you are dealing with a 9 year old. Try not transfer any of the feelings/history you have with your sister to your niece. Your niece is her own person and eventually will grow in to the person she was meant to be. Give her the space to do this.

If it was my niece I would probably show her mother the text the next time we met, so she is fully aware of the social network and conversations her daughter is involved in. I don't think that this incident is particularly serious though. It is not your call to either discipline or correct the child. Leave that to her parents.

Later.

IronDuke

Neyite

I sympathise, but its not your call to discipline her unfortunatly. I bet you in school she doesnt give that kind of lip to her teachers. But its probably similar to the type of entitlement and way your family is percieved by her mother and father. If they slag you or your family off behind your back, its gonna rub off on her.

I'd just ensure (and she is old enough to know her behaviour is out of order) that even if you do have something she wants, that she wont get it because she has been previously very disrespectful to you. Dont give out to her, but just say "well, I'd lend it to you, but I thought your last text was very cheeky and I dont lend my things to people who are cheeky to me, I lend my things to friends who are respectful" And stick to it. Dont give in, let her earn respect.

I had an issue where my partners 7 yr old niece was being cheeky and rude to me. She made a comment about something I was wearing being ugly and I just mildly replied "Thats not a very nice thing to say to someone, is it?" and a few more of those replies to her rude comments and it seemed to work - she knows I wont take any messing from her, and she gets treats when she is polite and respectful.

LegacyUser

I used to be a frustrated aunt OP. I have 4 nephews that could drive anyone into an insane asylum. I love them dearly and yes they are children but there is one thing I make sure that happens and my brother and sil know. They can act whatever they want at home with them and speak to them whatever way they want. However, when they come over to my place or I take them out they need to behave and speak to me with respect and treat me with courtesy.

It used to make my blood boil to watch the way my nephews interact with their parents and grandparents. They also have no structure and routine at the home as well as little manners. When I invited them all over to my place for dinner my brother and sil were astonished at how well behaved their boys acted and how differently they spoke to me. The mere fact that they picked up their plates and put them in the sink was indeed a shocker! Those are my house rules.

I don't and will never tell my brother and wife how to raise their children or interfere with whatever decisions they make about them. There is one thing that they cannot interfere with me is that when they come over to my place they are expected to act according to my rules. Have a chat with your niece and her parents. Tell them what is acceptable and what's not acceptable. At first they were not happy with me (brother and sil). When my nephews asked to visit me often my brother and sil didn't say no. They unfortunately haven't realised yet that kids need structure and discipline.

You are the adult and have every right to tell your niece that her behaviour is not acceptable and atrocious. Don't feel that because she is not your child you cannot discipline her in your company. Teachers do it all the time at school and they are not the parents of their pupils. You are just drawing the line. Believe me kids are not dumb and know who and what they can get away with. The reason why my nephews are better behaved with me than their actual parents is because I do not tolerate such behaviour and they do not get away with it.

LegacyUser

Thank you both for your replies, while it may seem like a small thing that was just a for instance, there have been a few other instances in a short space of time where stuff like this has happened.

I know her parents would have no problem in slagging us off, they value money and material things only and like to walk all over people, I fell out with my sister because I refuse to be walked all over. I sent back a fb message to her with a ?, and left it at that, she replied that she was only messing. If this had been an isolated incident I would have accepted that but it hasn't so I think she knew what she had said was wrong.

It's just such bratty behaviour and if she was just raised and monitored to respect people then it would be fine. I am not expecting miracles but I know kids the same age and younger who have impeccable manners and are very respectful to absolutely everyone and it's lovely to see.

I know I can't correct her, as much as sometimes I would like to, I'm just so frustrated, I would be mortified if my kid spoke to anyone like that. But then again I would be a completely different parent than my nieces parents.

Oh and text speak is not lost on me, I am very young myself not long out of school, I think she was just being bratty because she couldn't get what she wanted.

LittleBook

frustratedaunt wrote: »

I sent back a fb message to her with a ?, and left it at that, she replied that she was only messing. If this had been an isolated incident I would have accepted that but it hasn't so I think she knew what she had said was wrong.

Well, there you go, you're both on the right track. There's only so much you can do in the face of the kind of parenting she appears to be getting, but you called her on this and, as you say, she realised it was wrong. She'll think twice before sending you a message like that again ... which is good. She's now aware that that behaviour isn't acceptable to you ... she's learning from you, that's all you can hope for.

curlzy

To be honest OP, I think you're extremely judgemental and seem to think your opinion should have any bearing on how your niece is raised. It's really none of your business. Why in the name of god did you even make friends with your sister and her husband, the way you talk about them is disgusting. Maybe your neice is picking up on your attitude and doesn't like you as you blatently think very little of her parents.

Big Bag of Chips

As others have said you can insist on a certain level of behaviour towards you, but you can't change how she behaves around others.

And personally, I don't accept kids on Facebook! I have had requests from my husband's nieces and nephews, and from my friend's kids, all under 10! I ignore them all. My reason for this is I have adult friends, who post adult things.. I'd rather refuse the kids than be constantly monitoring my page for content unsuitable for kids I'm friends with. One parent asked me why I didn't accept theier son (my godson!) and this is what I told her.. and she accepted it as fair enough!

LegacyUser

@ curlzy

why shouldn't the op have an opinion on her neice's behaviour? her neice is in her life, sending her messages looking to borrow her things, and you say she shouldn't be allowed to have an opinion on that?? family is family, are you saying that the op should turn her back on her neice and not want to be part of her life just because she doesn't agree with the parents' materialistic values? children need to learn that there is more than one way to live your life, that just because demanding and spoilt behaviour may be tolerated in the home, doesn't mean that it will work in all walks of the childs life.

i have children in my life, friend's children, young cousins, the neighbour's children, my husband's workmate's children all that i have to interact with when i see them. yes they are children and no they are not MY children, but why should i accept bad behaviour and rudeness from anyone, regardless of age?

gud4u

This was a similar issue I had with my sister. I would never discipline any younger family member unless they are in my care and being disrespectful.

Your sister is not respectful to you and I would think this rubs off on your niece as acceptable behaviour.

I agree with not accepting anyone young on FB, I had to tell the mother of my nephews friend...who's 11, to tell her son to stop sending me requests, the child barely knows me!

If you sre just keeping the peace with your sister, then you may have to evaluate how much contact you have with your niece, if she's a brat at 9, can you imagine what she'll be like at 16.

Whatever way it goes, just make sure you are being respected by her.

edellc

I have had similar problems with my teenage niece, who is a nasty piece of work....I hate saying that but she is, she is a bully towards her peers and in her mothers eyes she can do no wrong, a house angel and a street devil as I say.

I dont get on with my older sister (her mother) she beat me up every day of my life, and was a nightmare to live with in general, she couldnt lie straight in bed if you asked and if she went out and said she was going right she would go left, and her daughter is no different

I however do not have contact with my sister I dont trust her, nor do I like her and we are at two different ends of the spectrum, at christmas I sent my niece 20euro call credit by post which she claims she never got, so I text her 10euro more...turns out she did get the 20euro and the 10euro as she was bragging about it on FB (which i am friends with her on :rolleyes:) so for her birthday this year I told her I sent her credit in the post (which I didnt) and when she kept going on that she didnt get it I told her to go talk to her postie as it seems someone is lying lol mean I know but I am no mug

OP I get the impression that you dont want to have anything to do with your sister and if that is the case why are you entertaining her...I dont think your niece is a big enough reason maybe I am being harsh but just because its family doesnt mean you need to keep leaches in your life... I just know that I get on great with my sister and niece now that I never speak to them and only see them once in a blue moon, I know dont wish any badness of my sister and do hope she is well but also well away from me

analucija

What is the problem here? If the little brat is rude to you give out to her. I have a feeling you started this thread because you don't like her parents and not because you would be so worried about your niece. And if you are I know plenty of annoying kids who turned out just fine. Give out to kid when you have to but let your sister to bring up the daughter as she wants to.

Susie_Q

As has been said before, you have no say in how your niece acts around her parents or other people but you can definitely lay down the lay when she's in your house or solely in your company.

I have a nephew who is 4 and a notoriously fussy eater - in my opinion this is made worse by his mother constantly offering him alternative dinners, pandering to his whims and never insisting he at least try to eat a meal. She is always amazed at what he will eat when I am babysitting him because I am much stricter and always get him to eat; I will talk about how delicious vegetables are and how they make boys grow big and strong, and get him involved in preparing dinner if possible. Damn right he eats that meal and with very little fuss; if he doesn't, he is not given other food options so it makes meal times very simple.

The same idea applies to you - make your own rules for when you are minding her/ in her company and don't pander to her if she's being a brat. You're not being a bad aunt by doing this; quite the opposite! It sounds like she could use a bit of discipline so you'll be doing her a favour. Good luck.

I am a friend

Block her from facebook or at least stop engaging with her on it....

kunst nugget

edellc wrote: »

I however do not have contact with my sister I dont trust her, nor do I like her and we are at two different ends of the spectrum, at christmas I sent my niece 20euro call credit by post which she claims she never got, so I text her 10euro more...turns out she did get the 20euro and the 10euro as she was bragging about it on FB (which i am friends with her on :rolleyes:) so for her birthday this year I told her I sent her credit in the post (which I didnt) and when she kept going on that she didnt get it I told her to go talk to her postie as it seems someone is lying lol mean I know but I am no mug

You just sunk to the level of a teenager. Bully for you.

gud4u

curlzy wrote: »

To be honest OP, I think you're extremely judgemental and seem to think your opinion should have any bearing on how your niece is raised. It's really none of your business. Why in the name of god did you even make friends with your sister and her husband, the way you talk about them is disgusting. Maybe your neice is picking up on your attitude and doesn't like you as you blatently think very little of her parents.

I agree with some of what you're saying, when I look back on my situation, I now realise I don't like me sister that much and I was way too judgemental. Now I leave her to her own devices and if she messes up the kids, well, that's for her to live with not me.

It's hard to just close the door on family though. OP, distance yourself and take no disrespest from anyone. As was said, you have no right, aside from in your own home to discipline the kid, even at that, you may be just playing into thier hands.

It's all a game of manipulation and status to some people, play or get out of the game and form your own rules.

edellc

kunst nugget wrote: »

You just sunk to the level of a teenager. Bully for you.

I know isnt it great, sometimes its the only way to get through to teenagers, take it you dont have any experience with them

Johnny_BravoIII

IMO you have serious issues with your sister & her partner & you are in danger of transferring these issues onto your 9 year old niece.

Remember kids are really instinctive. They can almost "sense" exactly what you are feeling/thinking.

You need to come to terms with your sister & realise that this is a 9 year old kid you're talking about.

What are you doing being friends with a 9year old on facebook in the 1st place? It's too late now as to reject them would have consequences but there is nothing wrong with laying reasonable ground rules as to how your niece interacts with you.

The fact the child had the good sense to apologies for saying "thnks for nothin" would immediately resolve the slight, almost insignificant mistake she made re her manners in the first place.

It certainly wouldn't send me into a barely controlled boiling rage? You seem almost on the point of screaming?

LegacyUser

Again thanks for the replies. Here are some answers.

I was recently added as a friend on facebook, her mother added me, she used the account more than my niece to contact people as she usually doesn't have credit. She was on facebook a year previous if not more before she added me because of the animosity between her mother and myself.

I will be the first to admit that there is a lot of animosity between my sister, her partner and myself, especially her partner, we have completely different outlooks on life and I find his manners much worse than my niece, this is where she learned them from.

I am always as pleasant as possible when the kids are around as any other behaviour would be inappropriate, my sister however did for some reason feel the need to tell my niece that we had had an argument and what it was about, I feel this is the reason that she is behaving the way she is. Which is understandable, that is her mother after all.

The reason I was so angry when writing the post was that a similar incident had happened the day before and a week before that. The reason that her mother and I fell out was over the massive disrespect that she and her partner seem to have for everyone, particularly me. And I felt that we were only starting to try and sort things out and yet I was being subjected to the same thing but this time from their child, it also kind of cemented that fact that my sister and her partner had bad mouthed me to the child.

Finally thanks again for the advice, I will be gently reminding my niece that I deserve and will get respect from her and if that doesn't work then I will be speaking to my sister and she can either take it on board or not, I don't really care. But if I have to cut them out of my lives again then so be it, I will not be treated like that and worse.

edellc

Fair play frustratedaunt that is exactly how you should play it, I got sick of my sister talking to her daughter like she was an adult friend of my sisters and then the daughter behaving the way she was , it is unacceptable

as you said all you can do is have a word and if your sister cant see that you are trying to be nice then thats her loss not yours, i have my sister as a friend on fb and my niece but i have my settings so they cant see what is on my page

Torakx

Facebook is the C.I.A's evil data mining device.
Cant believe there are actually people as young as 9 using it. Thats crazy!
Why not send the kids to the local pub for a few drinks and buy some cigerettes too.Hell give them access to a mobile network..oh wait already done.
Sorry im just shocked lol

Hope your situation is resolved.
Only helpful thing i can say is try not to flair up the persons ego that you are trying to communicate with.
People who raise kids who turn out to be drama queens and bullies tend to have those traits aswell from my experience.
And do not take well to any kind of questions put on their parenting skills.

So it may be quite hard to phrase things in a way that they understand is purely for the sake of their own kids future social lives.

Its been an eye opener for me truly.I really appreciate my niece and nephew on a whole other level.