How to finally move on

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this, long term poster. I have been involved in a FWB situation for over a year now.

I started sleeping with a guy at work after my relationship ended, it was the perfect situation as I didn't want anything serious, and we got on well. As time went on and we started spending more time together, both inside and outside work, I started to develop feelings for him. I told him this and he made it clear he didn't want a relationship, firstly because we work together, but mainly because he just simply doesn't want to commit to anyone at all (and I truly believe him when he says that, I know him well and he is honest, I don't think it was a line).

However, because we worked in the same department I had to see him every day, so I couldn't move on, and I kept seeing him. It was more of a casual relationship than FWB, as sometimes we would see each other without sleeping together, and spent time together outside of the bedroom. So here I am, over a year in, unable to move on from him, even though we don't work in the same department anymore (I was promoted to another department, so I never see him in work).

I'd love to be able to cut contact with him, but I can't do that as part of my job requires me to interact with him on projects, and we have a common circle of friends so we would see each other at certain work events. I also seem to be unable to cut him out because I don't want to. I have deleted his number, but I know it off by heart. When I go a certain amount of time without texting him, he will text me.

Above all else, we were very close friends, it is hard to lose the friendship too. He is not a bad person, he made it clear he didn't want anything serious, I continued it. I just need someone to give me sound advice here, I know I am a silly woman, but I want to move on because as long as I'm "with" him, I'm wearing blinkers and will never meet a man who will give me what I need!

The Princess Bride

A year as a FWB?
Ok.

There are probably 3 things that could happen here.
1.You continue on, as is & end up more miserable than you are now.

2. You tell him you want to end the FWB & he agrees ,reluctantly, and you both move on as friends without benefits.It will take time,but.....

3. You tell him you want to end the FWB- he realises after a while that there is more to it than just sex- and he asks you out.

But regardless - you need to tell him something if you're not happy.

LegacyUser

msthe80s wrote: »

A year as a FWB?
Ok.

There are probably 3 things that could happen here.
1.You continue on, as is & end up more miserable than you are now.

2. You tell him you want to end the FWB & he agrees ,reluctantly, and you both move on as friends without benefits.It will take time,but.....

3. You tell him you want to end the FWB- he realises after a while that there is more to it than just sex- and he asks you out.

But regardless - you need to tell him something if you're not happy.

I know, it seems like a long time... It was a bit more than FWB though, and a lot of stupidity on my part... I kept hoping that if I just hung in there, he would eventually see me as a girlfriend... of course why would he when he had everything he wanted without having to commit. He has confessed to me multiple times that he has feelings for me, that I am perfect, and these admissions came out of nowhere, we weren't discussing "us" at the time. However he still refuses to commit, so I know that I have to move on.

I think the reason I have been so afraid and reluctant to move on all along is because deep down I know he won't follow me, because even if he wanted to, his ego wouldn't let him, and from talking to him when we are alone I know this is true. Which should be answer enough for me.

Sleepy

move_on wrote: »

I kept hoping that if I just hung in there, he would eventually see me as a girlfriend... of course why would he when he had everything he wanted without having to commit.

He told you up-front he never had any intention of committing and, presumably since it was a FWB situation, had been told you felt the same way?

If he wanted you as his girlfriend he'd no doubt have brought the topic up. mthe80's has it right: you need to tell him you can't do the FWB thing any more with him. After that, the ball's in his court but I wouldn't hang about pining for him or waiting for option 3 to happen. It may well do but you can't base your life on someone else's decisions.

Wompa1

I'm lost. You want to cut contact...and you only wanted sex with him and now you are saying you wanted to be his girlfriend. These are the kinds of stories that make me avoid ONS and FWB scenarios. They never end well and when you throw in either a friend, friend of a friend, work colleague, housemate or classmate...it's playing with fire. If you want to cut contact just tell him, he'll probably come sniffing around you again a few times because he thinks he can get it from you now. After a few weeks he'll be on top of someone else and you won't have to worry about it.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the honest replies. I know I got myself into this. I wanted something casual at the start, it was never discussed explicitly that I didn't want a relationship, but I knew that the set-up suited me. However, a couple of months in I began to have feelings for him, I told him after a while and he said that he didnt want any kind of commitment. I walked away then and it lasted about a month before I was back doing the same thing again. He is aware I want a relationship but I'm making a fool of myself by going back to him when I know he must be using me for sex at this stage. We are very close and became so from the casual relationship (we were not friends before we started seeing each other).

I know that I have no one to blame here but myself, but I'm just not sure how to go about walking away from this once and for all, because I can't seem to do it. And I still have to see him and interact with him either way.

LegacyUser

Give the girl a break. She ended up falling for someone she didn't mean to - it happens to a lot of us!

OP, these FWB situations are never, ever black and white, but I guess you learned that the hard way. Unfortunately it seems like this guy is not going to change his mind, so you have to take control of this situation (and your own feelings).

Unless you want to waste the next two years pining after this guy (been there!) when you could be meeting someone who actually wants to be in a relationship with you, you HAVE to cut contact now. You may have to see this guy at work functions, which may be hard, but it's not impossible to avoid him (although something tells me that you're secretly longing to see him/be around him. Been there!). He'll probably continue to text you/email you/put you on a guilt trip to boost his ego, but you need to be very clear with him. 'I wish you well, but it's just too hard to be in contact with you. I need time to get over you. Please respect that and please respect me, and don't call, email or text me'.

It's hard, but it's the only way. Please trust me on this. Otherwise you'll go 'round and 'round in circles with him playing with you, until he drops you when he meets someone he DOES want to have a relationship with. Sorry to be harsh, but it's true. Good luck.

LegacyUser

yiuue wrote: »

Give the girl a break. She ended up falling for someone she didn't mean to - it happens to a lot of us!

OP, these FWB situations are never, ever black and white, but I guess you learned that the hard way. Unfortunately it seems like this guy is not going to change his mind, so you have to take control of this situation (and your own feelings).

Unless you want to waste the next two years pining after this guy (been there!) when you could be meeting someone who actually wants to be in a relationship with you, you HAVE to cut contact now. You may have to see this guy at work functions, which may be hard, but it's not impossible to avoid him (although something tells me that you're secretly longing to see him/be around him. Been there!). He'll probably continue to text you/email you/put you on a guilt trip to boost his ego, but you need to be very clear with him. 'I wish you well, but it's just too hard to be in contact with you. I need time to get over you. Please respect that and please respect me, and don't call, email or text me'.

It's hard, but it's the only way. Please trust me on this. Otherwise you'll go 'round and 'round in circles with him playing with you, until he drops you when he meets someone he DOES want to have a relationship with. Sorry to be harsh, but it's true. Good luck.

Thanks for the lovely post. I have been beating myself up over this, trying to figure out what is wrong with me, why doesn't he want to be with me, and dreading the day that he figures out he wants to be with someone else, and I'm left reeling.

Yes I'm longing to be around him, because he has never been horrible to me, we have such a great time together, and the only thing he has done is say he doesn't want a commitment, which is not his fault. He treats me so well when we spend time together.

I do think you're right that he likes his ego stroked, because I've tried not talking to him and it lasted only about a week before he was back texting me, and I just can't hold out, I either reply to him, or if he doesnt get in touch, I cave and get in touch.

I do have to interact with him in person on projects and we have a common circle of friends from work that we would socialise with, some of my closest friends are in that circle, so I will have to see him (albeit rarely) on social occasions outside of work too.

It sounds so stupid but I'm afraid if I end it once and for all, he'll be ok with it and I'll be left hurting. But that's why I should do it, I know.

Sorry for the long post, and thanks everyone so far.

Belfastmedic

Hi OP, you have to cut contact!

I was in a similar situation, fwb situation, it didn't end well so much so that i'm pregnant, career is up in the air and i'm facing life as a single mom.

The person i was seeing had another girl as a fwb, he is still seeing her but it doesn't bother me anymore, i cut all contact with him and life is definately better and he's her problem now :rolleyes:

Never again will i do the whole fwb.

Just look after no 1 (you)

I am a friend

yiuue wrote: »

Unless you want to waste the next two years pining after this guy (been there!) when you could be meeting someone who actually wants to be in a relationship with you, you HAVE to cut contact now.

This is the best advice you will get... If you dont cut contact after being told this then you never will.

LegacyUser

Thanks, I really will try to cut contact. When I say I'll try, I'll do everything I can, but I will have to see him in social situations. But outside of those I will not initiate or respond to contact.

I am a friend

move_on wrote: »

Thanks, I really will try to cut contact. When I say I'll try, I'll do everything I can, but I will have to see him in social situations. But outside of those I will not initiate or respond to contact.

You have to - for your sanity. There is no point leaving things as they are cos the only unhappy person is you