boyfriends shyness

LegacyUser

I'm better looking than my boyfriend in a conventional sense, but he is clever, talented and a wonderful person and - most importantly - I think he's gorgeous and I'm lucky to have him! But how can I help him overcome his shyness? He still acts in awe of me and feels inadequate in the looks department, which is made worse by my getting constant attention when we're out. Its also affecting our sex life as its difficult to get him to relax. Basically I think girls go for much more than just looks and its really a whole package that we're investing in, but guys maybe don't understand that? Sometimes his friends make comments like slagging him off about 'how did he get me' etc, just playfull banter but I think maybe it affects him...
Any lads opinions especially welcome

snafuk35

unregistered wrote: »

I'm better looking than my boyfriend in a conventional sense, but he is clever, talented and a wonderful person and - most importantly - I think he's gorgeous and I'm lucky to have him! But how can I help him overcome his shyness? He still acts in awe of me and feels inadequate in the looks department, which is made worse by my getting constant attention when we're out. Its also affecting our sex life as its difficult to get him to relax. Basically I think girls go for much more than just looks and its really a whole package that we're investing in, but guys maybe don't understand that? Sometimes his friends make comments like slagging him off about 'how did he get me' etc, just playfull banter but I think maybe it affects him...
Any lads opinions especially welcome

Maybe you should dress more frumpy or if you have long blonde hair cut it short or change it to a darker colour?

Sleepy

unregistered wrote: »

Sometimes his friends make comments like slagging him off about 'how did he get me' etc, just playfull banter but I think maybe it affects him...
Any lads opinions especially welcome

Every time you're in earshot of a comment like that, fire back a "because he's hung like a horse" type comment. It may be complete BS but it should make his friends back off!

Dravokivich

I don't get why you are discussing an issue your boyfriend has, but then start the post saying you are better looking then him. The whole issue you think he has is that he's lower than everyone else and you've put him down in the first couple of words.

Sleepy

Ah come off it. Anyone who's a realist can work out who's the better looking person in a relationship. My other half would be higher on a 1-10 scale of attractiveness than I would, I'd have the higher IQ, she'd have far more artistic abilities, I'm better with technical things etc.

We are not all created equal, we all have different strengths and weaknesses and that's fine. TBH, it's what makes things interesting!

Beruthiel

snafuk35 wrote: »

Maybe you should dress more frumpy or if you have long blonde hair cut it short or change it to a darker colour?

Maybe you could read the forum Charter before you get yourself banned for unhelpful comments.

Dravokivich

Sleepy, that's all well and good, but the issue presented isn't who is the most attractive. It's that the guy doesn't seem to feel any sense of self worth, be it looks or social & intimate ability. I merely put forward in my earlier post that by her stating she's better looking than him can drive the issue even more, if it's the first thing she is thinking about when she's trying to write it down. She's intially thinking of him in a negative perspective. If this guy has any such issues, it's built from that.

superblu

How long are you going out with this chap? I don't think the OP should be criticised for calling a spade a spade. There really is no easy way of saying "I'm a fine thing my boyfriend is not" without inviting criticism. My advice would be to do nothing and over time he will grow in confidence when he realises that you value every aspect of his make up.

As others have said, we're not all equal, which is a good thing. In some relationships I would be better looking that the other person, in others they would be better looking than me. You just have to get over it, really!

sharper

I think where Dravokivich is coming from is that "But you have a really nice personality!" is not going to make someone feel secure when they're concerned they're being judged by their looks.

OP's boyfriend isn't here but essentially people only have the power over him that he gives them. He's letting people judge him on his looks and make him feel like OP is only with him until she reaches some type of realisation about his appearance or someone hot enough comes along and snaps her away. He needs to realise that many people out there are insecure and they often try to devalue others to make themselves feel better. When they see a guy with a hot girl it makes them feel bad and they try to find some way to put him down. If it wasn't his looks it might be how he dresses or whether he appears to be poor. If he had no obvious flaw then he'd be dismissed as someone that has it easy in life.

People will always find something.

Missy Moo Moo

The OP shouldn't be criticised for mentioning the fact that she's better looking, that was just to put the issue into perspective.

It's hard not to feel insecure if one partner is considered better looking than the other, even the well intentioned good natured ribbing from his mates might get to him- he might wonder is he punching above his weight and is that what other people think?

It sounds simplistic but I think it's a case of showering him with compliments and affection- you said you feel lucky to have him so tell him that! He might just need the reassurance

Wompa1

My girlfriend is way out of my league but I've been in enough relationships now that I've come to the conclusion, if a person is going to cheat, they'll cheat..Doesn't matter about looks. When you think about it, an ugly girl could get with a guy any night she wanted...in terms of guys maybe not so much. But any way, I'd just let him deal with it, eventually he'll feel more comfortable with time. Hopefully it's just intimidation and nothing else

Distorted

Compliment him on his good points regularly, be sincere and don't go over the top, but make him feel wanted and reassured. A hint of "how much you prefer to be with him when you see the way other guys behave" might not go wrong either.

Procrastastudy

Sleepy wrote: »

Ah come off it. Anyone who's a realist can work out who's the better looking person in a relationship. My other half would be higher on a 1-10 scale of attractiveness than I would, I'd have the higher IQ, she'd have far more artistic abilities, I'm better with technical things etc.

We are not all created equal, we all have different strengths and weaknesses and that's fine. TBH, it's what makes things interesting!

For me it's normally the woman but who am I to judge!

Monkey61

To be perfectly honest OP this is mainly his issue, so there is a limit to how much you are going to be able to do about this.

I would neglect any advice given to be emphasising to him his wonderful personality etc as why you like him. If somebody is insecure about their looks, that's the last thing they want to hear! You said that you think he is gorgeous- well that's what he needs to know. Not neccessarily in a telling him to reassure him kind of way -but in a making it obvious that you think he is the sexiest thing alive and can't get enough of him kind of way.

I would worry slightly though about you thinking that you are better looking than he is, because he will pick up on that and it won't make him feel great, especially if his friends are reinforcing it.

I think I'm alright looking, but not to everyone's tastes. My girlfriend is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my whole life (famous people etc included) and I am well aware that she is miles better looking than me. But it would never make me feel inadequate for a second, because I know, absolutely know, that she finds me more attractive than anyone else in the world and would never in a million years consider herself to be better looking than me, just because she fancies me so much that she wouldn't even be thinking of things like that.

When I first met her, friends and stuff did comment (christ even my mother commented), but rather than take it in a "oh dear lets panic because she is so out of my league", I was absolutely delighted with myself and was happy to indulge my ego a bit by thinking "yep, my girlfriend is super hot and she wants me!" But obviously that would have been an entirely different story if I wasn't assured by her actions on a constant basis that she fancied me intensely.

Also, just another thing that I picked up on in your post - when you say that you are getting constant attention when you are out, I'd maybe be careful how you are acting as it surely wouldn't be that usual for someone to be getting overt attention if they are out in a couple and acting like a couple?

Missy Moo Moo

Monkey61 wrote: »

To be perfectly honest OP this is mainly his issue, so there is a limit to how much you are going to be able to do about this.

I would neglect any advice given to be emphasising to him his wonderful personality etc as why you like him. If somebody is insecure about their looks, that's the last thing they want to hear! You said that you think he is gorgeous- well that's what he needs to know. Not neccessarily in a telling him to reassure him kind of way -but in a making it obvious that you think he is the sexiest thing alive and can't get enough of him kind of way.

I would worry slightly though about you thinking that you are better looking than he is, because he will pick up on that and it won't make him feel great, especially if his friends are reinforcing it.

I think I'm alright looking, but not to everyone's tastes. My girlfriend is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my whole life (famous people etc included) and I am well aware that she is miles better looking than me. But it would never make me feel inadequate for a second, because I know, absolutely know, that she finds me more attractive than anyone else in the world and would never in a million years consider herself to be better looking than me, just because she fancies me so much that she wouldn't even be thinking of things like that.

When I first met her, friends and stuff did comment (christ even my mother commented), but rather than take it in a "oh dear lets panic because she is so out of my league", I was absolutely delighted with myself and was happy to indulge my ego a bit by thinking "yep, my girlfriend is super hot and she wants me!" But obviously that would have been an entirely different story if I wasn't assured by her actions on a constant basis that she fancied me intensely.

Also, just another thing that I picked up on in your post - when you say that you are getting constant attention when you are out, I'd maybe be careful how you are acting as it surely wouldn't be that usual for someone to be getting overt attention if they are out in a couple and acting like a couple?

No disrespect Monkey61 but your last paragraph is a bit naive- even if they're glued together, if the OP is very attractive, she will still be getting admiring glances off people. Even if she's with her boyfriend, people may still chat to her/flirt with her in front of him. It's not unusual.

blatantrereg

I'm not spectacularly good looking myself, but (for whatever reason) most of my gfs have been just that.

Good looking people will get looked at. You'd exhaust yourself if you take issue with every look someone gets. But if you are acting like a couple then it will only be looks/glances. It's not nice if you're out with someone and they are open to/pleased about attention from others. It's rude and disrespectful - even if the attention is not actively encouraged - or there's no interest in the other person. Bad way to behave on a date with someone you just met, nevermind an actual partner.