thinking of starting my own religion

recedite

With the recession, and whatever, I'm starting to feel the pinch, so I'm thinking of starting a religion.
I'm focussing mainly on the most important aspect, ie collecting the money.
So I'm looking for ideas for a really good plate to pass around.
I was thinking, a normal white dinner plate covered with a piece of red cloth, but that might look a bit "cheap."
It should be bigger than a dinner plate and made of metal, to make people think of money instead of food. Gold plating on it might make it look like I had too much money already. I think brass is traditional, but I'm looking for a more modern "take" on it.(no pun intended)

What about size? It can't be too small in case it fills up and starts overflowing. A dustbin lid size might look too greedy? I'm thinking 40-50cm diameter might be about right.
Any tips welcome.

ElectroJazz

I saw a big dog today

Knasher

Well if you want people to give you money then you have to give them something for it.

For example, you could emulate the christians and forgive them for a bunch of sins you have made up or give them tap water you have imbued with magical properties. Or you could emulate the scientologists and offer to purge their body of something that is making them unlucky or depressed. Or perhaps you could say their "energy" is the wrong colour and offer to fix it for them.

The important thing to remember is that your marks, normally called your followers, won't give you something for nothing, no matter how pretty your collection plate is. So the trick is to convince them that what you are providing is worth more than it actually is, especially when it is actually worth nothing, before you try selling it to them.

ShooterSF

Plate? What century are you living in? You gotta go social networking! If I started a religion today I'd go with a polytheist one. They make more sense and are due a comeback. Obviously stay away from "Sun God" or such, make them more ambiguous like "The God of what way toast lands when dropped" (Do not anger him)
One other idea, gather some friends who can act and create a "reality" tv show in which the gods each take control of one of the people. This way you can get your messages, with drama and sex included, across in the most accessible way to the masses. Who reads today?!

Ellis Dee

Good luck to you, but I'm afraid it's a really crowded and fiercely competitive market you are trying to get into, even if the customer base is probably not the brightest. Otherwise they wouldn't be shopping for a religious fix in the first place.:rolleyes:

Besides, the market is entirely unregulated and the established actors have had plenty of time - even millennia - to hone their skills and are in no way inhibited by alien considerations like fairness, honesty, truth or even rationality, so you can expect a rough ride.:eek:

To overcome all those handicaps, what you really need is a good gimmick. Someone once wrote to George Bernard Shaw to ask the same advice that you request. GBS replied and advised him to try and come up with a gimmick as good or better than having himself killed and rising again on the third day.:D

Kivaro

How you dress is very important, and it's all part of the gimmick.

I recommend the following, but to be different, let's try ............... pink gloves. It will make you stand out.

Apparently, the "masses" fall for it ...........

muppeteer

recedite wrote: »

What about size? It can't be too small in case it fills up and starts overflowing. A dustbin lid size might look too greedy? I'm thinking 40-50cm diameter might be about right.
Any tips welcome.

Forget the lid, just use the entire dust bin. I've seen a video of one of the richer Nigerian churches during collection time. Bins filling up with bank notes.


Here is the preacher with his hummer:)

Video here for tips and tricks;)

Turtwig

This is Disgraceful! Thinking of starting your own religion!? Nobody's going to be convinced by your new religion if you're only just slightly considering it. You need to be behind it wholeheartedly! Show faith! Show passion! Show the desire to the spread the TRUTH!!!

Doctor DooM

Jernal wrote: »

This is Disgraceful! Thinking of starting your own religion!? Nobody's going to be convinced by your new religion if you're only just slightly considering it. You need to be behind it wholeheartedly! Show faith! Show passion! Show the desire to the spread the TRUTH!!!

It should definitely be called the church of the one true truth!

Zillah

You need plausible deniability. My suggestion would be to get a second generation of leadership that genuinely believe and charge them with spread the faith. If your heart isn't really in it you'll find it hard to keep up the pretense with the level of blind relentlessness required.

Also be warned that once created it will largely be beyond your control. Just look at Scientology or Christianity. Please consider the consequences of releasing more monsters on the world.

recedite

Well if they can use the whole dustbin, I should be able to use the lid without appearing too greedy. I'll definitely need a good outfit. Pink's not my colour though. I'm thinking leopardskin pattern. I'll need a good gimmick too.

As for the deity, I was thinking Ganesha, Lord of Success, but that might isolate those who favour the monkey god etc.. so instead I'll avoid anything too specific and just go for the more generic "God". Should keep em all happy.

Putting on a good show is vital. I'll need some back-up. But I want to appeal to all age groups. I'm thinking 5 or 6 young ladies in figure hugging dresses (cut tastefully below the knee of course) and one smiling bearded guy with a guitar. Plenty of happy-clappy stuff.

MrPudding

recedite wrote: »

Well if they can use the whole dustbin, I should be able to use the lid without appearing too greedy. I'll definitely need a good outfit. Pink's not my colour though. I'm thinking leopardskin pattern. I'll need a good gimmick too.

As for the deity, I was thinking Ganesha, Lord of Success, but that might isolate those who favour the monkey god etc.. so instead I'll avoid anything too specific and just go for the more generic "God". Should keep em all happy.

Putting on a good show is vital. I'll need some back-up. But I want to appeal to all age groups. I'm thinking 5 or 6 young ladies in figure hugging dresses (cut tastefully below the knee of course) and one smiling bearded guy with a guitar. Plenty of happy-clappy stuff.

You really need to get the hat right, that is the most important bit. If catholicism has taught us anything, which it hasn't*, it is that you can come out with some remarkable sh1t, but if you are wearing a big fancy hat people will believe it.

MrP








*Sorry Homer.

Kivaro

Symbolism. We need lots of religious symbolism.

I recommend our new religion should have 3 gods in one. That appears to work for a lot of people. (Don't forget that we change it to suit our needs later).

Our Symbol:



And our prophets should be trustworthy, like this guy:



To add respectably, we should have our base in Nigeria and our collections-department mother church building needs to be biggest in the world .......... to be financed with 'indulgences'.

Michael Nugent

recedite wrote: »

I'll definitely need a good outfit. Pink's not my colour though. I'm thinking leopardskin pattern.

Have you considered some variation of the Mormons’ magic underwear?

stevejazzx

recedite wrote: »

With the recession, and whatever, I'm starting to feel the pinch, so I'm thinking of starting a religion.
I'm focussing mainly on the most important aspect, ie collecting the money.
So I'm looking for ideas for a really good plate to pass around.
I was thinking, a normal white dinner plate covered with a piece of red cloth, but that might look a bit "cheap."
It should be bigger than a dinner plate and made of metal, to make people think of money instead of food. Gold plating on it might make it look like I had too much money already. I think brass is traditional, but I'm looking for a more modern "take" on it.(no pun intended)

What about size? It can't be too small in case it fills up and starts overflowing. A dustbin lid size might look too greedy? I'm thinking 40-50cm diameter might be about right.
Any tips welcome.

Have a meeting - tell everyone you're the only guy who is the real deal. If they don't believe you kill a few of them (that'll be henceforth known as your wrath) let the rest live but fill them with the constant fear of death from some kind of wierd werewolf hybrid monster. Then produce the bucket and claim you need to build a kingdom for them in order for them to be redeemed by you for the crimes they have committed against you under the new rules you have just introduced (you might need to waste a few of the more rebellious ones at this just to keep order) then produce the bucket - below should be the desired result
\/

shizz

I think involving this in an experiment would be a really good idea. Just to show how many followers you can get to while showin the big influence religion can have. I doubt people would be too happy afterwards though. There's always the chance they'll completely ignore that their leader tells them it's fake and carry on never the less.

Anything of this sort been attempted?

MrPudding

shizz wrote: »

Anything of this sort been attempted?

Um. Are you drunk? Christianity, catholicism, mormanism, scientology to name but 4.

MrP

Chuck Stone

Don't forget to wear a really big oddly shaped hat.

shizz

MrPudding wrote: »

Um. Are you drunk? Christianity, catholicism, mormanism, scientology to name but 4.

MrP

I was talking about an experiment not actual religions.

recedite

Kivaro wrote: »

Symbolism. We need lots of religious symbolism.
I recommend our new religion should have 3 gods in one. That appears to work for a lot of people. (Don't forget that we change it to suit our needs later).

Eh? We? Oh all right then, you can be Chief Apostle, but I get to sit on the golden chair when the money rolls in, and your hat can't ever be bigger than mine.
You can be in charge of symbolism, but you'll have to come up with something better than a nut.

Michael Nugent wrote: »

Have you considered some variation of the Mormons’ magic underwear?

Good idea. A special haircut or item of clothing will be needed to make the followers feel they are part of a cohesive group. Leopardskin underpants should do the trick. I can source them in China for about 25c and sell them on for €25 to the marks, er followers.
Also an arbitrary rule or two, that nobody else has, is quite important. Lets say "Thou shalt not eat prawns on the first friday of the month, for it is unclean." That should do for starters. (It has been revealed thus to me)

Knasher wrote: »

Well if you want people to give you money then you have to give them something for it.

In return for their money they get the usual package of intangibles; Life after death and eternity of bliss. 100% sin forgiveness, and a clear conscience no matter what they've done to other people in the past.
It is a crowded marketplace out there though, so apart from the standard package, the weekly meetings will need to provide a really exceptional "feel good factor". I think that's where the real challenge lies.

Kivaro

recedite wrote: »

Eh? We? Oh all right then, you can be Chief Apostle, but I get to sit on the golden chair when the money rolls in, and your hat can't ever be bigger than mine.
You can be in charge of symbolism, but you'll have to come up with something better than a nut.

Cool. I went on eBay this morning and got all decked out. I need more bling though:

recedite wrote: »

Also an arbitrary rule or two, that nobody else has, is quite important. Lets say "Thou shalt not eat prawns on the first friday of the month, for it is unclean." That should do for starters. (It has been revealed thus to me)

I am confused. Are we banning prawns for starters only? i.e. is it ok to eat prawns for the main course on the first friday of the month?
You're defo right about the unclean part though ...... especially if they come from Dublin bay.

recedite wrote: »

In return for their money they get the usual package of intangibles; Life after death and eternityof bliss. 100% sin forgiveness, and a clear conscience no matter what they've done to other people in the past.
It is a crowded marketplace out there though, so apart from the standard package, the weekly meetings will need to provide a really exceptional "feel good factor". I think that's where the real challenge lies.

I think we should use the N+1 rule.
For example, since the muslims get 72 virgins for committing hari kari, then we should tell them that they get 73 in our religion, BUT we also provide them the links of the actual girls themselves (from Facebook).

Kivaro

Kivaro wrote: »

I think we should use the N+1 rule.
For example, since the muslims get 72 virgins for committing hari kari, then we should tell them that they get 73 in our religion, BUT we also provide them the links of the actual girls themselves (from Facebook).

I think specifying that they're actually female might be already the +1 :pac:

Kivaro

bluewolf wrote: »

I think specifying that they're actually female might be already the +1 :pac:

What? There's going be no chics in our religion then?
Think man, think before you write.

And don't ever, EVER, question the Most High Chaldean Archhobbit Patriarch of Babylonia again.

For penance, eat a breakfast roll.

Galvasean

Kivaro wrote: »

Symbolism. We need lots of religious symbolism.

We'll use this special K.

celticcrash

All religions starts as cults. Why start one when you could just join the cult of Atheism. Richard dawkins in his hummer, laughing how his minting it off people who fight with themselves about something that does not exsit.

Doctor DooM

celticcrash wrote: »

All religions starts as cults. Why start one when you could just join the cult of Atheism. Richard dawkins in his hummer, laughing how his minting it off people who fight with themselves about something that does not exsit.

D-, must try harder.

Although a hammer as a symbol might be good. "Crushes the unbelievers, pries you free from the sins of the woodwork of earth. We are the nails. We are the children."

ShooterSF

shizz wrote: »

I was talking about an experiment not actual religions.

The ethics of that would be revolting. It takes a lot of effort and work to indoctrinate a person, it's not like pretending to be a medium for an hour and then explaining the trickery. You could really mess up vulnerable people.

Kivaro

Kivaro wrote: »

What? There's going be no chics in our religion then?
Think man, think before you write.

And don't ever, EVER, question the Most High Chaldean Archhobbit Patriarch of Babylonia again.

For penance, eat a breakfast roll.

Are you drunk or something?

Kivaro

bluewolf wrote: »

Are you drunk or something?

Are you serious or something?

shizz

ShooterSF wrote: »

The ethics of that would be revolting. It takes a lot of effort and work to indoctrinate a person, it's not like pretending to be a medium for an hour and then explaining the trickery. You could really mess up vulnerable people.

Bingo. I understand how awful it would be but this sort of thing regularly gets swept under the rug as religion. It's primarily the reason why people find it so hard to give up on religion.

Fortyniner

Don't forget the holy book. For a start, it could contain Hitchens/Pratchett quotes.

And then There's the TV channel(s)...

I'm going to be awake all night now.

Turtwig

Kivaro wrote: »

Are you serious or something?

I think she may have been offended by your "think man" comment.
Oh and also, just so you know it's blue not Blue. Don't ever forget that one.

Jernal

Jernal wrote: »

I think she may have been offended by your "think man" comment.
Oh and also, just so you know it's blue not Blue. Don't ever forget that one.

I just didn't get how "better make sure the virgins promised in the new made up religion's heaven are female that'll get one up on the muslim promises lol" went to "omg no chics in our religion???"

I suppose I'm the only one who's seen

Kivaro

bluewolf wrote: »

I just didn't get how "better make sure the virgins promised in the new made up religion's heaven are female that'll get one up on the muslim promises lol" went to "omg no chics in our religion???"

Sorry Miss blue.

I just want to confirm that there will an equal amount of male virgins as female virgins for our "really, really dedicated" followers. The male virgins will be mostly from Kerry though.

Turtwig

bluewolf wrote: »

I just didn't get how "better make sure the virgins promised in the new made up religion's heaven are female that'll get one up on the muslim promises lol" went to "omg no chics in our religion???"

I suppose I'm the only one who's seen

http://thinningtheherd.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/72-virgins-family-guy.jpg

Ahh I love that. Haven't seen that but I knew that was what you were referring to. (Well, not that specifically.)

In any case you should have said.
I think they should specify that the virgins will be of the desire of the sexual orientation of the person who dies.

If you follow your one logically then that means all virgins will be female and that would leave recedite with a problem for the heterosexual female members of his herd.

Jernal

Jernal wrote: »

Ahh I love that. Haven't seen that but I knew that was what you were referring to. (Well, not that specifically.)

In any case you should have said.
I think they should specify that the virgins will be of the desire of the sexual orientation of the person who dies.

If you follow your one logically then that means all virgins will be female and that would leave recedite with a problem for the heterosexual female members of his herd.

Logically? pf :pac:

Turtwig

bluewolf wrote: »

Logically? pf :pac:

Well it would be nice to have at least one religion that is logically consistent internally.

recedite

Kivaro wrote: »

I am confused. Are we banning prawns for starters only? i.e. is it ok to eat prawns for the main course on the first friday of the month?

Hmmm I'm unclear on that, we'll have to wait for the next revelation. I have an unopened bottle of vodka which should help bring it on. It doesn't really matter which we decide on though. As long as the followers have their own unique rule to make them feel special.
BTW Kivaro, nice outfit; but now I'll have to upgrade mine

Jernal wrote: »

I think they should specify that the virgins will be of the desire of the sexual orientation of the person who dies.

I have come up with an answer to the Virgin dilemma.
Robotic transformer virgins, offering clean, guilt-free sex. Male, female or whatever the punter fancies.
Thank you Fox News, faithful friend of the religious community.

Turtwig

recedite wrote: »

I have come up with an answer to the Virgin dilemma.
Robotic transformer virgins, offering clean, guilt-free sex. Male, female or whatever the punter fancies.
Thank you Fox News, faithful friend of the religious community.

It was only a matter of time. . .

MagicMarker

So say we all!

shizz

Amen

celticcrash

[SIZE=-1]Allahu Akbar[/SIZE]

recedite

Yes a quick power-wash and a reboot after use makes them as good as new.
Like a vi-irgin touched for the very first time.

Jernal

Jernal wrote: »

It was only a matter of time. . .
http://www.djkirkbride.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/Battlestar-Cylons-TriciaHelfer12.JPG

ziggy says yes

eoin5

recedite wrote: »

...I'll definitely need a good outfit. Pink's not my colour though. I'm thinking leopardskin pattern. I'll need a good gimmick too.

Leopard skin god has already been taken..


Larry Graham