Self harming teen

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm in my late 20's, living about an hour away from my parents home. My 13 year old sister has been bullied for the past few years in primary school. Moving into secondary it got physical, the girls in question were suspended and we thought it was being dealt with.

About a month ago, my sister confided in me that she was cutting herself, but had stopped. She was seeing a Councillor through the school and I suggested she confide in her. I also told our mother, but asked her not to broach the subject as I wanted my sister to continue to trust me enough to tell me. I thought by doing this I could keep an eye on things and act if they got out of hand.

Over the Easter break my sister was like a new person, happy, confident, interested. She went back to school on Monday and within days was admitted to A&E with a deep gash on her upper arm.

This was done because of a normal bitchy comment between girls, but she obviously just can't cope with it anymore. I think if someone looked at her sideways now she'd crumble, she's just that sensitive after what has been happening for the past few months.

She is waiting on an appointment with a psychologist, which they hope to have news from on tuesday.

I am trying to clear my head a bit and think logically. I lost a good friend to suicide when I was 18 and this development with my sister has scared me more than I can say. I spent years trying to get over my friend and now I can feel the old feelings of despair come back to me. I don't know how to deal with this. I feel very fragile.

I am glad my parents know and I think the fact she scared herself and has asked for help is a turning point. She is getting all of the help they can offer, the doctor is involved, psychologist, the school has been informed.

I am not supposed to know she was in hospital, she begged that none of her brothers or sisters were told.

They are thinking of removing her from the school, but that is the only one served by public transport, they are also looking at home schooling so if anybody had any information on how that works I'd really appreciate it. I have already spoken to my mother about my concerns of a hermit like life if she is home schooled, but have been promised that if it goes to that she would be encouraged to join clubs etc. Another option would be that she stays with us during the week and goes to school in our local town. It would mean her looking after herself for a few hours a day though as we both work. Of course it may not come to her being removed from the school at all, but it is something my parents are looking at.


I wanted to hear from parents who may have gone through this. How did you cope? How is your teen now? Can you tell me if there is anything I can do or say to help my mother and father deal with this themselves. They are both devastated.

If this needs to be moved to PI so be it.

BengaLover

My teen self harmed in a very superficial way for a while when she was 16 whilst going through a kind of phase where she listened to Nirvana (who have a song about self harm) and hung around with other teens who self harmed - they would cut themselves but not very deeply. It seemed to me she and her friends were doing it to fit in with the stereotype they had set their group.
I never made an issue of it, but I was very concerned, and kept a close eye on her - thankfully she is now 17 and has stopped and doesnt listen to the same music or hang around with the same group as I changed her school when I found out she was so unhappy in it.
OP, your situation is a little different if the wound was so deep it had to be treated in A&E, maybe your sister didnt mean things to get that far, and like you said scared herself - but keep asking her questions, she may not answer them right away but keep trying.
Maybe the school thing is just too much - changing our daughters school was the best thing we ever did.
With teens things can change so fast so I hope that in a few months the situation may have calmed down and been resolved - but keep the communication lines open and reassure her that she is safe and loved.
She may not feel like that but keep saying it.
13 is a horrible age, after being in national school and then going out into the big school, meeting completely new people, trying to cope with people that arent that nice, so that challenge for her may be just a little too much right now especially if she is of a sensetive nature.
I have a 14 yr old too, and the stuff that goes on in her class between girls is scary..

LegacyUser

OP here

Thank you for your reply.

I thought it was superficial at first, which is why I didn't panic. The last time I was in the house I found a screwdriver in her room which I removed, but I couldn't question her on it because she closes up. She either gets angry and upset, or she puts on a very happy show.

She wont be in school for the next few days anyway, personally I'd like to see her not go back until this is under control. I just spent the day with her and she is very very fragile, like constantly on the verge of tears. This could be the shock? I really do believe she shocked herself. She was at times snappy and surly. I think self protection maybe. If she's angry at me she won't feel like talking to me and won't cry.

Can I ask why you changed your daughters school? Was it bullying? Did she know anybody in the new school and how did she settle?

I have a horrible feeling that unless she builds her confidence she will be a target for bullies wherever she goes. I think if she changed schools and was subject to more bullying it would destroy her.

I'm the oldest, and trying to be strong and level headed for my mother. I don't know what to suggest or how to help.

cloud493

Speaking as someone that has self harmed, from age 8, to... well a month without now. Its natural for them to be devastated. Speaking from the other side of the coin, your sister will feel bad enough for doing what she does, without her parents being so upset as well. I don't know where in the country you're based, but have you heard of pieta house? Its a great counselling service, free, they have a few places up and down the country, well worth giving a call

BengaLover

I changed my daughters school because of some bullling yes, I dont know how serious it was because my daughter refused to talk about it, all I knew was that some girls threatened her and during her transition year she started mitching literally every day. The school was a very large one and couldnt seem to keep tabs on her or even inform me when she didnt come to school or on the days when she would just leave.
I think the mitching was to avoid a certain group of girls that were known bullies.
2 people in her peer group commited suicide one after the other, and a good school friend ended up in psychiatric care after several attempts.
When I changed schools at the beginning of September things changed dramaticaly.
Smaller school, more teacher attention to them as individuals, better teacher/student relationships - its all good now.
She has mitched off a few times but the school were on her like a ton of bricks and when she realised she wouldnt get away with it like in the last school she stoppped after a while..
We are now onto the boyfriend/sex/pill/booze stage which is whole 'nother ball game..Guess thats teens for ya tho.

If your sister is tearful a lot then there are emotions just bubbling away under the surface - my daughter would refuse to allow herself to give way to these emotions and cry, or accept help, and as a result bottled them up and became angry a lot.
If you feel she is fragile right now, stay close as she will let you.

echo beach

hidden user wrote: »

Another option would be that she stays with us during the week and goes to school in our local town. It would mean her looking after herself for a few hours a day though as we both work. Of course it may not come to her being removed from the school at all, but it is something my parents are looking at.

What would be a big responsibility for you to take on, so think carefully before committing to that option. Your sister may feel that she is being 'banished' or that your parents don't want her any more. I know that isn't the case but she may not be able to see it logically.
Having to tend to herself for a few hours daily could do her the world of good OR it could be an oppertunity for her to get into all sorts of trouble.

LegacyUser

OP here - I wanted to thank you all for your replies. It's certainly a relief to communicate with people who are not emotionally involved.

Bengal, I have been keeping in very close contact with my sister as you suggested. She is probably sick of getting text messages and phone calls from me. Especially since she doesn't know I know what happened. I'm glad your daughter seems to be ok now. Good luck with the whole boys thing

Cloud; well done on a month! Is there anything you can suggest I do to help my sister feel as if she can open up to me. I feel as if we could cope with anything so long as we are all honest. I know she is telling small lies about things when it comes to cutting, but of course I don't want to bring that up. I'm trying to encourage her to be more open with me. I guess you'll tell me all I can do is be there for her. But if there is anything you can advise that will help me show her I'm behind her all the way. Is there something that helped you over the past month?

Thank you for mentioning pieta house! It seems to be a great place, I might give them a call myself for a bit of advice.

Echo, yes you are right, it is a big responsibility I know, and quite a scary thing to take on to be honest. If it can be avoided then great, if not, I'll have to deal with it then.

We all think it's important she doesn't go back to school until she's in a better frame of mind. My mother will speak to her teachers about keeping her up with school work and revision for her summer exams. However, she is refusing to take a day off! She said she won't be scared out of school. That is all well and good but in her fragile state it will only take a teacher to raise their voice or someone to accidently bump her and she will be upset. She's just like a little porcelain doll.

I want to wrap her up and love her until she feels better. I'm so worried for her.

Something very worrying is she has said she will not speak to a psychologist, her words were "why should I, It's none of their business". I know she must be scared, to talk about it must be incredibly hard.

Thanks again for responses. I will wait with baited breath to see what the psychologist says.

cloud493

Don't tell her you'll be there for her... be there for her. If that makes sense? Sometimes, just someone being there being willing to listen, is comfort enough.
If she is lying, I'd say thats perfectly understandable, given her state of mind. Just don't try to make her feel guilty,(not that you would since you seem like a nice guy) cos otherwise.... this is such a destructive cycle. Guilt makes you feel bad. Guilt makes you hurt yourself. More guilt.. etc.

Its lovely your concerned for her but see it from her perspective, as a 13 year old girl. Not going to school would seem like defeat, like giving up to the bullies. In my experience, again, school counsellors are an excellent gate way to psychologists, so try taking to the one your sisters been talking to?

I have a fiance, and I don't like disappointing her, even though she's done it herself, and she said she understands. But I'm trying hard to stop, too many trips to A&E, too many stitches, too many scars.

Good luck, feel free to pm me with any questions

meoklmrk91

This is a very difficult situation and I sincerely feel for you and all involved.

I did home schooling for a while, the department of Education paid for a teacher to come and do work with me, I found it good but very intensive and isolating and decided it wasn't for me.

What your sister needs is an environment which is geared towards helping her to help herself and while I was not in the same situation I was in a difficult one and I found the right school environment to help me deal with what was going on. Small school, small amount of students, dedicated staff and a full time counsellor on the premises who everyone went to and it was completely normal. I excelled in this environment and am now in college after being out of school for 5 years.

The important thing to keep in sight, and I think you are doing a very good job of it, is that while education is very important, your sisters mental health and wellbeing are absolutely paramount, I have known many parents who force their children to go into a hostile school environment every day and I honestly don't know how they do it. Find what is right for her with regards to schooling, oh and a good counsellor is a must, particularly one who is used to dealing with young adults would be great.

LegacyUser

OP Here

I can't thank you all enough. Really this thread helped a lot.

She is expertly playing the "I'm ok" thing so we never know whether to believe her or not.

We are still waiting on the psychologist to get back to us, we genuinely feel she could be a danger to herself and are on pins waiting. She has seen the school counsellor who has told her how important it is that she speak honestly to the psychologist when she does get an appointment.

She is insisting on going back to school. This is worrying, something small I believe could set her off again, but she has promised if anything at all happens she will speak to someone. I'm not sure if this is ok. She's still very fragile and obviously trying to hide the fragility.
I've asked her to wait until she sees the psychologist, but she is being insistent. Tomorrow is the day.

She told me she's fed up with the parents asking if she is ok.

I'm at a loss of what should be done next.

cloud493

The more you try to force it, the more she'll clamp up (captain obvious) just let her know you are there for her, whenever she needs it, and wait for someone to talk to. Give her a diary maybe? So she can write her thoughts down.

Maldesu

hidden user wrote: »

OP Here

She is insisting on going back to school. This is worrying, something small I believe could set her off again, but she has promised if anything at all happens she will speak to someone. I'm not sure if this is ok. She's still very fragile and obviously trying to hide the fragility.
I've asked her to wait until she sees the psychologist, but she is being insistent. Tomorrow is the day.

I'd suggest letting her go if she wants to. At this point she probably feels like she has no control over what is going on around her with so many people around her watching what is happening. The school may not be the best choice but it is hers and just let her know that if she feels like walking out, that you are ok with it.
Make sure she is included in what is going on even if she is resistant to the idea or ignores your attempts. Knowing you have a choice and not doing anything can be very different from having someone else make a choice for you.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks again for all your comments. She has been to see the psychologist, but it wasn't very helpful, although I'm sure it takes time. She's back at school and seems to be coping most of the time.

We've had a worrying development. A conversation she had with a friend has come to light, I don't want to go into details because I don't want to make her identifiable, but she has been telling lies about our parents to a mutual friend. Now I can't go into more details, but these are ridiculous lies, unbelievable and 100% not true (I know you will ask how I know not true, but they are impossible lies). They are not lies along the lines of abuse or anything, but hurtful none the less.

It's difficult to deal with, on one hand I'm wondering what has caused her to feel the need to lie like that. What makes her want to seek attention like that. Why that type of attention.

On the other hand I'm absolutely livid with her. I'm wondering how much of what she says can be trusted, I'm worried about what she's said or could say about me and my partner. I'm disgusted to be honest. Although I know it could be a symptom of what's going on so I have to but my disappointment in her to one side. I really don't know how to deal with it.

LadyMayBelle

There are many reasons why she could be doing this attention seeking behaviour, and sadly speculation wont get us very far; a good psych will be able. A good therapist who will take time to get to know your sister will be able to build up a relationship of trust with her, and naturally kids will talk once they feel they are safe in that relationship.

What does she make of all this, or what has she said? Does she think ye are all bonkers, and want to be left alone? Has she actually said much about it all?

You can be a positive role model for her, as hard as it seems right now, especially if youre angry. No questions. She's likely to have been questioned from all sides about the cutting etc. and will be questioned by the Psych too. Maybe just by being with her and having fun, modeling a postive interaction she will begin to see you are not out to interrogate her or find out why (she prob doesnt really even know why herself), but you just want to spend time with her and have fun. No stress, no pressure.She did something massive by confiding in you about her cutting; that's huge. You are important to her in this and she can trust you to empathise with her and be on her side.

Tough situation OP, I really feel for you. I have a kid sister aged almost 12 and see kids her age and older daily with issues such as cutting and stuff. Heartbreaking and so hard on you and your family. Hugs x

Empathise with her if it does come up how hard it must feel to have all these people asking questions and saying she has this, or is that etc.. and how hard it is when she just wants to fit back in at school and be normal. Dont focus on the negatives despite how (understandably) angry you are, but focus on the positives with her.