FIRST LOVE

STAR2011

Thought I would look for a bit of advice! I have a 16year old boy who is in his first "real" relationship and is head over heels in love!

Now she is a lovely girl but she comes with some baggage. First, if you ask her what do you want to do when you finish school - she will say nothing, my husband will keep me!!!!! (I hate this attitude and can't believe it) And her family are very pushy, drop her to the house and stay for 4 hours, inviting him to family events, refering to him as a Son-in- law, serioulsy expensive xmas/birthday presents (from her mother, grandparents and her aunt) and its like they are delighted she is in such a serious relationship where as I am not! I think they are too young.

I am trying to encourage him to keep up contact with his male friends, asking him about them and saying we haven't seen them in a while, bring them over etc etc but this is not proving easy, he is only interested in spending his free time with his girlfriend! Also, he is out of school since Tueday with a throat infection and general flu/cold! I was told today that his girlfriend has been out sick as well!

So I suppose what I am asking is - how to discourage it without him knowing thats what I am doing or should I leave it to run its course and hope he sees sense and also how to deal with her pushy family - who seem to think we are all one big happy family now!

Daisy M

I met my husband when I was 17 so it is not beyond the realms of possibllity that your son and this girl could remain together. They are very young though and I would be concerned that her family are referring to him in a jokey manner as their son in law. I think if you push too hard then you may actually push them more together and if her family support them as a serious couple then you could end up been the bad guy. I think you should keep encouraging your son to see his friends and been a little bit more independant. How long have they been dating?

STAR2011

Dating about 6 months now! He reminds me regularly that my sister and her now husband met at 14! She is exceptionally jealous and clingy as are her entire family! They are far to young to be this serious and I am trying my best to keep it to myself but it is difficult! Thanks for the advice

g'em

STAR2011 wrote: »

So I suppose what I am asking is - how to discourage it without him knowing thats what I am doing or should I leave it to run its course and hope he sees sense and also how to deal with her pushy family - who seem to think we are all one big happy family now!

I'm not a parent but I certainly put my poor Mum through the mill bringing a parade of suitable boyfriends home through my teens and (more embarrassingly because I really should have known better ) twenties.

The best thing she did was let me make my own mistakes, but still made her feelings known to me. If she really didn't like someone, she'd tell me, but also told me that the most important thing was that I was happy. Invariably she ended up being right about every single one of them! On teh couple of occasions she did try to be a little more forceful I rebelled instantly, how could she possibly know what was best for me, sure she was only my Mum (the usual shyte :rolleyes).

I imagine that once he turns 17/18/19 and he and his friends start going out, getting up the things most teenagers do, that he'll realise how much else there is out there and he'll start getting itchy feet. The realities of keeping a little wifey will hit home soon enough too.

Instead of discouraging your soon to be with this girl, perhaps keep encouraging him to work on his life, and keep discussions about her to a minimum?

It can't be easy of course, so good luck

Daisy M

Is it possible that he may get a job for the summer holidays or maybe go to the gaelteach for a while? Something like this may encourage his independance and limit the time he can spend with her.

Dont tell him he is too young avoid saying anything negative about this girl or their relationship or you will just drive him to defending her all the time. Encourage his independance as discreetly as you can and make the girl welcome. I appreciate this will be hard, you will have to bite your tongue a lot, something I as a mammy struggle with a lot.:)

The Princess Bride

I understand your concerns 100%.

Have to agree with Chatterpillar, in that there is a possibility that they will get closer rather that drift apart,if you get too involved.

I happen to know an adult who met her hubby at that age,and now in late 40s ,is what I would call ,a hanger-on; in that she is of opinion that all men should "keep" their wives,and provide for them- so perhaps your son's girlfriend is hearing this from her family and therefore,thinks this is "normal".
I would be concerned that her main ambition is to have a husband- that's rather sad,especially at this age,when she should be thinking of career,work,college,fun!!!!!!

Keep encouraging him to have his friends,rather than discourage the girlfriend.
Also- studies...if he doesn't keep them up,he wont be able to provide for himself,let alone a potential Stepford wife.

And try have her over at yours rather than him at hers-that way,you can keep a discreet eye on everything.
Maybe instead of them dropping her off and staying for hours(what's that about?-they sound like high maintenance!!!),maybe if you picked her up and brought her over.

Best of luck.I think you're gonna need it.

STAR2011

Thank you all so much for the advice - I am really struggling on a day to day basis with it and trying my best to keep my mouth shut!

We have tried the " We will collect her" approach to keep "visiting" to a minimum but it doesn't always work . He is also very busy with hobbies and activites but his interest in all of that is fading - we are battling to keep him going at these at the moment.

I cannot believe in this day and age that young teenage girls still hold onto a belief that the male should be the breadwinner and they should stay at home and place house! The lack of ambition is very sad.

LorraineMcFly

STAR2011 wrote: »

Thank you all so much for the advice - I am really struggling on a day to day basis with it and trying my best to keep my mouth shut!

We have tried the " We will collect her" approach to keep "visiting" to a minimum but it doesn't always work . He is also very busy with hobbies and activites but his interest in all of that is fading - we are battling to keep him going at these at the moment.

I cannot believe in this day and age that young teenage girls still hold onto a belief that the male should be the breadwinner and they should stay at home and place house! The lack of ambition is very sad.

Hi Star! dont worry about the lack of ambition, she is only 16. She will change her views when there are bills to pay as most do! Kids say stupid things.
I actually think if you leave them at it, he may get sick of her. Insofar as if you allow her around alot, eventually your son is going to get bored. All teenagers do! as he approaches 18 id be almost certain the pub , college, and mates will begin to charm him again!
Im dreading my daughter coming home as a teen with a boyfriend cos i want her to enjoy her teenage years and not get tangled up. But its going to happen! I did it myself.
Honestly the more the see each other, the more little arguments and boredom will creep in and it will run its course. If by a small chance they stay together you said she a lovely girl. And the lack of ambition thing will change as she gets older. Shes only talking teenage nonesense.
In the words of Bob Dylan. 'Come mothers and fathers throughout the land. And dont criticise what you cant understand. Your Sons and your Daughters are beyond your command'

Piliger

STAR2011 wrote: »

Thank you all so much for the advice - I am really struggling on a day to day basis with it and trying my best to keep my mouth shut!

We have tried the " We will collect her" approach to keep "visiting" to a minimum but it doesn't always work . He is also very busy with hobbies and activites but his interest in all of that is fading - we are battling to keep him going at these at the moment.

I cannot believe in this day and age that young teenage girls still hold onto a belief that the male should be the breadwinner and they should stay at home and place house! The lack of ambition is very sad.

I am sorry OP but I really think you are being totally OTT about this. No kid of 16 knows their arse from their elbow. You cannot really take what they say seriously because 90% of it is for effect. Bravado or irritation .... it's all good when it comes to saying things to parents.

Just because he is so taken with her doesn't mean he is going to marry her ! Huh ? They will 99% have a fight in a few weeks and it'll all be history and you will think what on earth was I getting my knickers in a twist about ? And the other 1% will result in her changing totally and completely what she thinks about everything under the sun by the time she gets to 19.

I mean it's not as if they are having sex and doing it without condoms ....

I have a 19yo boy and he was in a fairly similar situation at 16-17. It is HARD HARD HARD to make that transition from being a caring involved parent .. to backing off and letting them grow and experience ups and downs.

But you just have to do it. Your pressure will probably make things 1000 times worse. You have to let things be. Be nice to the girl. Don't talk about these views she expresses. Ignore them. Be nice to them both. Let him enjoy this stage of his life. As far as his friends go, he'll be making new friends next year and in college and life is a continual change.

up for anything

Maybe she is taking the piss out of you by saying her husband will support her. I know that is something like my old babysitter would have said especially if she knew there was slight ill-feeling towards her.

Abi

STAR2011 wrote: »

Now she is a lovely girl but she comes with some baggage. First, if you ask her what do you want to do when you finish school - she will say nothing, my husband will keep me!!!!!

As Up for anything said, she was probably saying that messing, at that age if someone told me to stay at home I'd go doo lally and gone on a feminst rant

So I suppose what I am asking is - how to discourage it without him knowing thats what I am doing or should I leave it to run its course and hope he sees sense and also how to deal with her pushy family - who seem to think we are all one big happy family now!

Can I just ask you to tread carefully here >.<

While teenagers don't know it all, they might sense when a parent is trying to throw them off a boyf / gf or friends you'd rather they hang out with.

My mother stopped me from hanging around with certain 'sorts' as she would put it, but when it came to a man I met when I was 16, wild horses wouldn't have kept me away, despite the fact that it was a very dysfunctional. The harder she tightened the noose the further I ran from her, and I ended up leaving home at the age of 17.

My advice to you is to let it run its course, but more importantly, guide him. Hes a teenage boy, and his hormones are no doubt flying, so while not quite encouraging sex, but try to ensure that common sense chimes in before things get a little too heated.

You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar

nkay1985

I just have to echo the sentiments of those who say stay out of it. Nothing you can do or say will do anything to discourage this relationship and neither should it!

I started going out with a girl when I was 16 and she was 15. I'd been with a good few other girls before that but not in a long term relationship sense. It was very quickly obvious that this was something different so we did spend lots of time together etc. My parents didn't disapprove of her as she was nice, polite, came from a normal family etc. She also had a good work ethic, as evidenced by the fact that she had a part-time job from an early age.

As the time passed by, I'm sure my parents may have had similar thoughts to you but they were never expressed. If they had been, there would have been a serious row and I would've pointed out an example of a successful relationship built from a young age. In my case, this would be my parents; in your son's, your sister.

Fast forward almost 11 years and we're happily married. We've been through the stresses of the Leaving Cert, living apart for college, living together and everything else you can mention but we're still together even though we were still kids when we met. That didn't stop either of us from developing into perfectly fine adults! I've got a very good job, my wife has her own business. We're fine as individuals too!

The point of all this is that, while you think you know best in this situation, you really don't. So long as the girlfriend isn't a terrible influence in terms of drink/drugs etc, there's no reason to intervene. If you do try, you won't get anywhere. Most likely, they'll break up anyway. If not, who knows, they could be together forever! But it's his decison to make and his experience to have. Leave him off.

Ham Sambo

STAR2011 wrote: »

Thought I would look for a bit of advice! I have a 16year old boy who is in his first "real" relationship and is head over heels in love!

Now she is a lovely girl but she comes with some baggage. First, if you ask her what do you want to do when you finish school - she will say nothing, my husband will keep me!!!!! (I hate this attitude and can't believe it) And her family are very pushy, drop her to the house and stay for 4 hours, inviting him to family events, refering to him as a Son-in- law, serioulsy expensive xmas/birthday presents (from her mother, grandparents and her aunt) and its like they are delighted she is in such a serious relationship where as I am not! I think they are too young.

I am trying to encourage him to keep up contact with his male friends, asking him about them and saying we haven't seen them in a while, bring them over etc etc but this is not proving easy, he is only interested in spending his free time with his girlfriend! Also, he is out of school since Tueday with a throat infection and general flu/cold! I was told today that his girlfriend has been out sick as well!

So I suppose what I am asking is - how to discourage it without him knowing thats what I am doing or should I leave it to run its course and hope he sees sense and also how to deal with her pushy family - who seem to think we are all one big happy family now!

Brings me back Why discourage it, it seems everybody else is letting it run it's course, and so should you.

Ayla

STAR2011 wrote: »

And her family are very pushy, drop her to the house and stay for 4 hours, inviting him to family events, refering to him as a Son-in- law, serioulsy expensive xmas/birthday presents (from her mother, grandparents and her aunt) and its like they are delighted she is in such a serious relationship

I agree w/ the others about letting kids be kids, but this part of the OP threw up a red flag. These are grown-ups - who are very influencial in the gf's life - who are (in my opinion) being waaaaaayyy OTT.

I think I'd be alright with letting the kid's relationship take whatever course it will, but I'd have the hardest time holding my tongue at her family. Is there any point/hope of a quiet chat or a casual joke with the family to help diffuse their pressure? The gf is learning from the pushiness of her family, and while the OP's son may eventually tire of her he may find it hard to break it off because it's like breaking up with the whole family. Too much pressure for a first love!