Couples - how to divy up responsibilities - money/chores etc.

LegacyUser

Going unregged for this one, as I'd like an unbiased opinion on the situation.

As a couple with a small child, with one partner working, the other staying at home, what's reasonable to expect of the person staying at home? (The sex of the person staying at home is always going to come into it, but I'm purposely leaving it out, as I feel it really shouldn't matter).

5 days a week both are up around 7.30, the person going for work leaves the house at 8am, home at 6pm.

How should the housework be split? Who's responsibility should it be to do the grocery shopping? Washing of clothes? Preparing of meals during the week days?

Julia London

Only way of comparing this to me would be when i was on 6 mths maternity leave from work.
So i was at home with baby, hubby working. I did most of the housework, washing , dishes etc every day. I fed dog, did bins etc.
Inthe evening my husband would most days cook us dinner when he got in. This arrangement was unspoken and suited us both. As babies sleep a large proportion of the day there is usually no excuse not to do housework.
My husband also did the lions share of night feeding even tho he was working. he was amazing and im eternally grateful.
At weekends we kinda split chores, although i would generall do more hosuework i like it that way.
Now im back in work. we kinda split the chores more evenly. he does bins and outside stuff with dogs etc. he also does the childs lunches and dresses her in the morning. i tend to do dishes and laundry and make dinners now for us in evening

LittleBook

Personally, if I was the stay-at-home one, I'd view the home/childcare as my "job" and take more or less full responsibility for both.

LegacyUser

More or less as I thought...

The person staying at home should view this as their job?

Job responsibilies then are what I'm looking for:
Mainly it's looking after the child, which is hard work. At this stage the baby is nearly a toddler, sleeps for maybe 1.5-2 hours in the middle of the day, so there is a lot less nap time.
Washing of clothes?
General cleaning of house? (nothing heavy duty or too intensive)
Preparing of evening meal?

I am a friend

Does the child sleep? Our 18 week old barely sleeps so its impossible to get stuff done... Its all down to how much spare time they have during the day.

hondasam

The person who is at home every day does all the housework, cooking etc, at weekends the roles are reversed. The person who works will still do little things during the week like cleaning up after dinner and putting the baby to bed.
I never understand couples who have to share the housework it only becomes an issue because people make it that way. Men generally tend to do most of the outside work so they do contribute their fair share imo.

Ickle Magoo

TBH I think what a selection of internet strangers view as reasonable has very little to do with it and isn't going to help you convince your partner they should be doing more/less anyway.

There are lots of ways of viewing the income earner/stay-at-home parent dynamic and lots of ways of splitting the chores - each depends on the people involved, their expectations, preferences and sometimes even the kind of day they've had. There are days/weeks when I do most of the chores, others when my partner does - some weeks we do the minimum necessary to keep things ticking over and take short-cuts left, right and centre because there is other stuff going on, some weeks the place looks like a show home.

The bottom line is if you need to work out a division of duties then the only persons views on how that's done and what's fair worth having is your partners. I don't think it's possible to demand specific things are done if your partner doesn't want to do them or doesn't view them as automatically "their" duties, it has to be an agreement you are both satisfied with...and if they aren't offering to do things or think the division is already fair then that's something you need to explore with them. It's not uncommon for parents of young children, one stay at home, to each consider the other has having the easy life!

All the best :cool:

unbiased

unbiased wrote: »

Job responsibilies then are what I'm looking for:
Mainly it's looking after the child, which is hard work. At this stage the baby is nearly a toddler, sleeps for maybe 1.5-2 hours in the middle of the day, so there is a lot less nap time.
Washing of clothes?
General cleaning of house? (nothing heavy duty or too intensive)
Preparing of evening meal?

It's impossible to say without knowing more about your situation. Some kids are quiet, sleep a lot, and can be trusted if you take your eyes off them for a second. Other's need both eyes and all limbs 24/7, and are exhausting. Same goes for jobs - if you work in an office all day, of course you come home from work tired, but it's a different story if you're doing manual work all day on a construction site and come home hurting all over. It also depends on what the stay-at-home partner does when the child is asleep and what the working partner does on their days off.

It might be an idea if the stay-at-home partner were to take a holiday for a weekend. Stay in a friends place or something. Depending on how the working partner manages to look after the child and catch up on all the housework, and bearing in mind that the stay at home partner has to do it every single day, might give both partners a new outlook on the situation.

woodchuck

It depends on how much time is taken up by the child during the day. I think the stay at home partner should do their best to do as much housework and cooking as they can when they have the time (without completely running themselves into the ground). When both partners are at home (evenings and weekends?), I think the chores and looking after the child should be split evenly.

(I don't have a child btw, but this is what sounds fair to me)

Beruthiel

unbiased wrote: »

How should the housework be split? Who's responsibility should it be to do the grocery shopping? Washing of clothes? Preparing of meals during the week days?

If I was working and supporting both myself and my stay at home partner, I would expect the stay at home partner to do all of the housework and cooking.

Many years ago when my daughter was a baby and I a stay at home mother, I did the bulk of house work.
It's only fair imo.

ElleEm

I agree with the other posters that think the stay at home parent should do the bulk of the every day tasks. But I wonder is the working parent in this situation coming home, putting their feet up and expecting dinner to be served in a spotless house?!

I think that although the stay at home parent would be tidying throughout the day, the other parent should lend a hand when they come home, washing dishes etc.

Some toddlers are hardcore, and need constant following around and there can be a lot to pick up after them. I can imagine some days it would be hard to get laundry and ironing and stuff done around them.

It can also be difficult to get around a supermarket with a little one, so this should really be decided between the couple whether you do it together or one of you do it without the child there.

LegacyUser

Ok the situation is like this.

Baby is nearly 11 months, just starting to walk. Not a terror (yet!), but needs a good bit of attention, is whinging a lot the last month (we reckon it's frustration at not being able to communicate - wasn't a very crying baby).
Constant whinging wears you down mentally, but there's always the solution of putting in the high chair / walker for a short time to get stuff done.

Person working - full time job, only source of household income other than childrens allowance, other person receives no social welfare.

Person working does most of the washing of clothes, more than half the drying of clothes (hanging out, taking in from line, tumbledrier). Each do our own ironing.

Evening meal is made 3 days out of 5, on average.

Person working does all the driving and big grocery shopping.

Chores are shared mostly when we're both in the house, but working person would do more of the washing up / keeping the kitchen tidy. Once baby goes to bed, person staying at home would generally not do any more - if there was any cleaning up to be done, washing of dishes, clothes washing / drying etc.

By the way - anyone figured out who's who? (male/female) Not that hard really.

Beruthiel

So your fella is the stay at home parent and isn't doing his share?

From what you say above, I wouldn't be having it and if he is not prepared to take up his share of the load, then you need to talk to him about it.

If you have and he isn't listening, then maybe you need a professional to discuss it with.

ElleEm

It's been discussed on a few different forums about how men and women often have different ideas of jobs that need to be done around the house. Has your partner been made aware of the jobs that need to be done?

Sometimes men find it harder to multi task... have you spoken to him about this?



If we are correct in assuming that the stay at home parent is a man.

LegacyUser

Both wrong. She stays at home.

LegacyUser

ElleEm wrote: »

Sometimes men find it harder to multi task... have you spoken to him about this?

Ah c'mon, seriously? That is such a sexist line.

LegacyUser

true-or-false wrote: »

It might be an idea if the stay-at-home partner were to take a holiday for a weekend. Stay in a friends place or something. Depending on how the working partner manages to look after the child and catch up on all the housework, and bearing in mind that the stay at home partner has to do it every single day, might give both partners a new outlook on the situation.

No problem at all, have done that. I've no issue spending the 1.5-2 hours nap time catching up on housework, and the days that I've had I've also had no problem squeezing in plenty of other work, AND leisure time during the day.

Now granted, it's not all day every day as people say (well 5 days a week). But from the times I've had to do it, generally I cope far better, and get a hell of a lot done in comparison.

Is it being able to cope, or not being pure lazy. That's what I'm struggling with at the moment.

LittleBook

unbiased wrote: »

Person working - full time job and does:

- most of the washing of clothes, more than half the drying of clothes (hanging out, taking in from line, tumbledrier).
- [their] own ironing.
- all the driving and big grocery shopping.
- more of the washing up / keeping the kitchen tidy.
- Chores shared mostly when both in the house

Once baby goes to bed, person staying at home would generally not do any more - if there was any cleaning up to be done, washing of dishes, clothes washing / drying etc.

Might be quicker to list what the person at home actually does.

LegacyUser

LittleBook wrote: »

Might be quicker to list what the person at home actually does.

Minds the child (feeds, changes, plays with, puts for naps etc).

If either of his grannies are around, they mind him and there's a couple of hours off during the day to do whatever - this is at least once a week, usually twice (once each).

Small bit of cleaning, sometimes though dishes are left from after breakfast until the person working gets home...

Goes for walks, meets friends for coffee, goes into town

Apart from that, dunno.

ElleEm

Have you spoken to her around your expectations?

And I apologise if my statement offended you but in my experience, some men do find it difficult to multi task.

I am a friend

If you have a child who only sleeps 1-2 hours per Day you have sfa time to do anything else by the time you use the hour or so to shower, get lunch and do the basics.

LegacyUser

ElleEm wrote: »

Have you spoken to her around your expectations?

And I apologise if my statement offended you but in my experience, some men do find it difficult to multi task.

Apology accepted, but it is just a line. Plenty of men are able to multitask, as are women, and plenty of both can do neither. There's no science to say it's sex related, it's an easy stereotype...

I'm in the process of writing down my thoughts.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

If you have a child who only sleeps 1-2 hours per Day you have sfa time to do anything else by the time you use the hour or so to shower, get lunch and do the basics.

I've answered this above

galah

on maternity leave at the mo, hubby out working. our son is almost 5 months old, and doesnt sleep much during the day - and if he does, only in my arms :rolleyes: or in the pram while walking. we dont have grannies to fall back on to mind the baby, no outside help whatsoever.

I usually manage the laundry, obviously childcare (including lunches with other ladies, and walks), dishes, and cooking every day. Shopping would be shared, whoever goes past the shops gets the stuff (living in the sticks, so going grocery shopping is an 'adventure' for baby and me if we're up for it ;-)), and when hubby is off, we do a 'general clean' together...so far this is working well...(we just have a little 'who's more knackered and has it tougher' competition, but housework doesn't come into it, and he wouldnt dare nag me if the house wasnt spotless, just as I wouldnt nag him into doing housework when he gets back from work...)

it's all about balance and communication, really...

LegacyUser

galah wrote: »

on maternity leave at the mo, hubby out working. our son is almost 5 months old, and doesnt sleep much during the day - and if he does, only in my arms :rolleyes: or in the pram while walking. we dont have grannies to fall back on to mind the baby, no outside help whatsoever.

I usually manage the laundry, obviously childcare (including lunches with other ladies, and walks), dishes, and cooking every day. Shopping would be shared, whoever goes past the shops gets the stuff (living in the sticks, so going grocery shopping is an 'adventure' for baby and me if we're up for it ;-)), and when hubby is off, we do a 'general clean' together...so far this is working well...(we just have a little 'who's more knackered and has it tougher' competition, but housework doesn't come into it, and he wouldnt dare nag me if the house wasnt spotless, just as I wouldnt nag him into doing housework when he gets back from work...)

it's all about balance and communication, really...

I've communicated this to her. Of all of our friends, who have had different situations (trouble with births, health, family support, multiple kids, breakups), she has the easiest situation.

I'm beginning to think it's more than just laziness. That there is an inability to cope with it. That is now worrying me.

P. Breathnach

unbiased wrote: »

... Job responsibilies then are what I'm looking for:

I have read the later posts. Here's my opinion:

Mainly it's looking after the child, which is hard work. At this stage the baby is nearly a toddler, sleeps for maybe 1.5-2 hours in the middle of the day, so there is a lot less nap time.

Dominantly the stay-at-home partner but, as good parental practice, the wage-earner should have some involvement in the evenings and at weekend.

Washing of clothes?

Dominantly the stay-at-home partner.

General cleaning of house? (nothing heavy duty or too intensive)

Routine cleaning should be the responsibility of the stay-at-home partner; heavy stuff or major operations should be shared.

Preparing of evening meal?

During the week, the stay-at-home partner should normally prepare the meal; at weekends, perhaps 50:50 (but clearing-up afterwards should be a joint operation - I like the idea of couples undertaking some tasks together).

All subject to a bit of give and take - if you need to adhere to strict rules, I think you have a problem with the teamwork element that is vital to a successful relationship.

LegacyUser

unbiased wrote: »

Ok the situation is like this.

Baby is nearly 11 months, just starting to walk. Not a terror (yet!), but needs a good bit of attention, is whinging a lot the last month (we reckon it's frustration at not being able to communicate - wasn't a very crying baby).
Constant whinging wears you down mentally, but there's always the solution of putting in the high chair / walker for a short time to get stuff done.
R
Person working - full time job, only source of household income other than childrens allowance, other person receives no social welfare.

Person working does most of the washing of clothes, more than half the drying of clothes (hanging out, taking in from line, tumbledrier). Each do our own ironing.

Evening meal is made 3 days out of 5, on average.

Person working does all the driving and big grocery shopping.

Chores are shared mostly when we're both in the house, but working person would do more of the washing up / keeping the kitchen tidy. Once baby goes to bed, person staying at home would generally not do any more - if there was any cleaning up to be done, washing of dishes, clothes washing / drying etc.

By the way - anyone figured out who's who? (male/female) Not that hard really.

Has the person staying at home always been this way regarding hous work/driving/shopping etc or only since baby came along?
Where they working before baby?
Have they any plans to go back working or was the view always that they would be a full time mum when baby arrived?
Did they have any issues during or right after pregnancy?
How much time do you spend alone with the child yourself? How demanding do you find the child vs what she says about the child?

Just wondering if it could be a postnatal depression related issue or if they are just being lazy. It's hard for people to really make comment over this issue as firstly each relationship is different and what works for some doesn't work for others and secondly every child is different. She could be suffering from depression or boredom. Maybe being a full time mum isn't what she thought it was going to be or maybe they've had issues bonding with the child but don't want to say anything for fear of looking like a bad mother or maybe she's just taking advantage and sitting on her arse all day. We can't tell, it's not us thats in this relationship. You need to talk with your partner and discus the issue.

prinz

Not an issue at home for me yet, but if there is a child/children at home full time then I'd approach it as if both parties were working outside the home for the most part, cooking, cleaing, washing etc would be shared.

I wouldn't expect the person staying at home child minding full time to also take on the lion's share of other housework. If they managed to do some extra that's a bonus, but I wouldn't expect it. If the child is out of the house for long periods (childcare, creche, school or whatever) then there is a case that the stay at home partner uses that time to chip in a bit more with housework.

Sleepy

Similar setup of me being the sole earner and fiancée being the stay-at-home mother (although with 2 kids aged 3 & 6) has caused friction in our house more than once. Different standards of what constitutes "clean and tidy" or what constitutes a job being "done" seem to be the main issue really e.g. for me doing laundry means washing drying, folding and putting away, for the other half it meant having washed and dried, for me clean would constitute hoovered, dusted and polished, for her it would constitute no rubbish and everything cleared away (what I'd call tidy).

I'd cook 4 nights a week or so and would do probably more than my fair share at the weekends because, put simply, I want a cleaner house than she does. (visitors always seem to make her standards increase though! lol)

Sleepy

prinz wrote: »

I wouldn't expect the person staying at home child minding full time to also take on the lion's share of other housework.

Out of interest what would you expect them to be doing for the day?

While a certain amount of "playing with the kids" time has to be allowed for, I'm not sure that it'd be a good thing for any child to spend most of the day playing with their carer. They need to learn to play independently and that there's work to be done throughout the day imo. Most kids love to "help" too in my experience...

hondasam

prinz wrote: »

Not an issue at home for me yet, but if there is a child/children at home full time then I'd approach it as if both parties were working outside the home for the most part, cooking, cleaing, washing etc would be shared.

I wouldn't expect the person staying at home child minding full time to also take on the lion's share of other housework. If they managed to do some extra that's a bonus, but I wouldn't expect it. If the child is out of the house for long periods (childcare, creche, school or whatever) then there is a case that the stay at home partner uses that time to chip in a bit more with housework.

How do single parent families manage to cook, clean, look after children etc? The person who is home all day should do most of the housework apart from cleaning up after the dinner in the evening.
What about families where the husband works very late and the kids are in bed when he gets home, is he then expected to do some housework after a long day?
I think a happy medium is the person who is home looks after the home with help from their partner at weekends, family time.

prinz

Sleepy wrote: »

Out of interest what would you expect them to be doing for the day?

I'd be expecting them to look after the kid/s, do their fair share of the housework, and also have some time for themselves, you know to read a book, maybe meet friends, get out of the house, have an adult conversation. Part of the benefit of going out to work is having chances to communicate with people, talk about the news, football whatever. Isolation is one of the major complaints of SAHM's and fathers and I think expecting them to nothing but stay at home doing all or the majority of the housework causes that.

I certainly wouldn't expect them to do nothing but childcare/then all the cleaning/cooking/washing/hoovering etc etc. The only chance they'd have to get some adult company then would be in the evenings when I'd be home from work and looking forward to spending time with my wife. I'd rather have my OH happy and fulfilled as a mother and as an adult woman ready to enjoy time together as a couple, rather than having my socks washed. A stay at home parent is not a skivvy.

hondasam wrote: »

How do single parent families manage to cook, clean, look after children etc? The person who is home all day should do most of the housework apart from cleaning up after the dinner in the evening..

Exactly my point. Some people have no choice but to put in a day's work outside the home and then get home and do the ironing, the cooking, the cleaning. I don't see why some people expect that just because their OH is at home raising a family that all that other work should also be done. If I was a single parent I'd have to come home and do it all. As I wouldn't be a single parent I'd expect and want to come home and do my fair share.

I don't have kids, but I have been the main earner while my OH was a research student based at home. I didn't expect my dinner cooked every evening when I got home, or that she'd have done most of the cleaning, laundry etc. We both did our share and funnily enough there was no problems.

hondasam

prinz wrote: »

I didn't expect my dinner cooked every evening when I got home, or that she'd have done most of the cleaning, laundry etc. We both did our share and funnily enough there was no problems.

I would not expect my dinner to be ready but it's nice when it is and the same with my OH. If I'm home all day the least I can do is cook dinner that's me.
It only becomes a problem when people make an issue out of it, life is to short to be worrying who will wash up etc. I much prefer to live in a happy environment and if this means I do the washing and ironing so be it but I never put out the bins or mow the lawn:p It's all shared really.

unbiased

unbiased wrote: »

Goes for walks, meets friends for coffee, goes into town.

Doing those things is fine, but doing them while the breakfast dishes are still sitting out - terrible prioritising.

I'd have to side with you OP, there should be more being done at home while you're in work if she has the time to meet for coffee and go for rambles.

lazygal

Right now, we both work full-time. Both have the same commute but my husband works much longer hours than I do. I do more than he does at home, I love cooking so I do about 90% of it, he will clean up afterwards though. We have a cleaner once a week and have budgeted for this, after discussing it we decided we would get one so the rows about who did what don't happen. I do all the washing/ironing/dry cleaning drop offs and collection, he does most of the work in the garden/DIY jobs like painting/keeps the car running.

In terms of housework, it does annoy me sometimes when I get up after he's gone to work and he's left everything out, his response is 'I'll put it away when i get home' but I'm home before him so I clean up this side of things. I'd do a lot more of the 'getting the house to look nice' side of things.

When I go on maternity leave we plan on keeping the cleaner but I'll be doing more at home, like the grocery shop, keeping on top of bills and making sure that come the weekends we can have family time. However, we shall have to see how this goes when baby comes.

The main thing is communicating expectations. Living with a partner has a lot of boring, everyday, domestic elements to it that don't just sort themselves out unless you talk about them, and keep talking if you're not happy. I'm not the best as thrashing problems out but I've learned there's nothing to be gained by silently fuming or being a martyr and doing everything yourself.

LegacyUser

Ok it would appear I'm not going crazy, seeing as I feel the same as what majority are saying around responsilities

I've drafted up a letter over the course of the day around the various issues I'm having in the relationship. It's making me pretty depressed to be honest. It's nearly 3000 words, which flowed out pretty easily (obviously been building up for too long, although 90% of it I've mentioned at one stage or another to her as separate individual things, often more than once). And I'm not finished, I'd say there's another 1000 words left, then pulling out bits that are too harsh.

At this stage though, I'm worried. The letter with it's length and number of issues (more than I've gone into in this thread, this thread is less than half), probably seems too much like an attack.

And, as a poster mentioned above, I'm conscious of the post-natal side of things. I don't think it's full on, the child is nearly 11 months, but I think my partner isn't coping well in general with it, and hasn't right from the start.

So instead of presenting her with a 4000 word diatribe, how do I go about suggesting that she go and talk to someone - because I think she needs to. I still need to show her what I've written at some stage, but if she is suffering from something, I want to be a little compassionate with it.

The letter has really depressed me though. I can't continue living with my partner the way things stand (again - far more in the letter than just the lack of effort round the house).

LegacyUser

Today really isn't going well. The straw that broke the camels back.

She was planning on going over to her sister's today, to stay there this evening, I was to head over after work to pick him up, bring him home and put him to bed. No problem.

Got home from work. Washing that I put into the washing machine this morning still sitting in it. Granted the drier is full, but surely she could have waited for the drier to finish and reload it with the washed stuff? Did she have to leave at 9am or something.

Heating was set to come on this afternoon for nearly 2 hours. Did - it wasn't turned off. Big thing I've banged on and on about, keeping the bills down, doesn't seem to sink in.

I did all the washing up before I left this morning (she woke up with a cold so thought I'd help out a little), that dry stuff is sitting on the sink waiting to be put away. His and her breakfast stuff unwashed.

After picking him up, all his bottles for today (5 bottles), and bowls that food was brought over in, all unwashed, so another load of washing up to do after he's put to bed, and I sort the washing and drying out.

Straw... camel... yes.

There's no excuse for all that today, other than knowing she can get away with it. I think it's taken me this long to realise this.

I am a friend

I think you are more interested in having a house keeper than a wife and mother who spends time with her son.

When you are on your death bed willyou be sorry that you spent more time complaining about the washing or thinking about the good times you had with your wife and son??

She has other priorities now. How long did it take you to sort the clothes? 15 minutes max? Big swing

prinz

unbiased wrote: »

There's no excuse for all that today, other than knowing she can get away with it. I think it's taken me this long to realise this.

She's not pulling her weight. It's one thing not having everything done all the time. It's a different story not doing anything which is what it sounds like now tbh. You need to say it to her.. but it seems the housework is only the tip of the iceberg.

The Big Red Button

unbiased wrote: »

Person working does most of the washing of clothes, more than half the drying of clothes (hanging out, taking in from line, tumbledrier). Each do our own ironing.

To be fair, the only time-consuming bit of this is the ironing, and you both do your own.

And this is coming from someone from a large family with seven children, so I do know what I'm talking about! I wouldn't bother making a big deal out of laundry, it's just not worth the hassle.

unbiased wrote: »

Evening meal is made 3 days out of 5, on average.

So you're saying she makes it three days, you make it two days? Or do you just not bother making it, if she doesn't?

Would you consider getting into a routine of making dinner together in the evenings?

unbiased wrote: »

Person working does all the driving and big grocery shopping.

This makes absolute sense.

It actually is quite a big deal when you have a small child, to get yourself and himself all organised and fed and set to go out in public. And obviously the child will be a big distraction when you're out shopping/doing errands/etc. Surely it's no big deal for you to pop into a shop and do the groceries on your way home from work, when you're already in the car anyways?

unbiased wrote: »

Chores are shared mostly when we're both in the house, but working person would do more of the washing up / keeping the kitchen tidy. Once baby goes to bed, person staying at home would generally not do any more - if there was any cleaning up to be done, washing of dishes, clothes washing / drying etc.

I can understand that the parent staying at home would be exhausted at the end of the day, and would be sick at the thought of doing any more "homey" related stuff. But I guess it depends on what you do as a living yourself - is it really that draining, that you wouldn't have the energy to do a little bit of cleaning/laundry in the evenings?

Also, have you considered that perhaps they don't do any more work, because they're trying to enjoy the bit of time with you? And, as they see it, the work will still be there for them to do in the morning?

unbiased wrote: »

By the way - anyone figured out who's who? (male/female) Not that hard really.

Completely irrelevant, in my opinion.

unbiased wrote: »

Today really isn't going well. The straw that broke the camels back.

She was planning on going over to her sister's today, to stay there this evening, I was to head over after work to pick him up, bring him home and put him to bed. No problem.

Got home from work. Washing that I put into the washing machine this morning still sitting in it. Granted the drier is full, but surely she could have waited for the drier to finish and reload it with the washed stuff? Did she have to leave at 9am or something.

Did you communicate this to her?

Generally, if I put on a wash, I put it out to dry, or else specifically arrange for someone else to. She's not psychic!

unbiased wrote: »

Heating was set to come on this afternoon for nearly 2 hours. Did - it wasn't turned off. Big thing I've banged on and on about, keeping the bills down, doesn't seem to sink in.

You're saying it's on an automatic timer, is it? Absolutely anyone would forget about this sort of thing! She forgot it, you forgot to remind her, if she didn't happen to be going to her sister's it would be on anyways. Two hours, no big deal! I get that you're on a tight budget, but so are all of us. Two hours is not going to break the bank, considering it would be on anyways if she didn't happen to be out today!! This is a complete non-issue, in my opinion.

unbiased wrote: »

I did all the washing up before I left this morning (she woke up with a cold so thought I'd help out a little), that dry stuff is sitting on the sink waiting to be put away. His and her breakfast stuff unwashed.

Is this really hurting anyone?

If it was sitting there a couple of days, I'd be concerned. But same day? No big deal. How long does it take to sort out breakfast dishes for two people?!

unbiased wrote: »

After picking him up, all his bottles for today (5 bottles), and bowls that food was brought over in, all unwashed, so another load of washing up to do after he's put to bed, and I sort the washing and drying out.

You're saying she didn't want to do all the washing etc while she was at her sister's place. That's completely understandable. She's obviously enjoying and making the most of the time she gets to spend with someone she cares about.

You could learn from her attitude! Start enjoying the time you get to spend with her in the evenings/weekends, instead of fussing about housework (most of which seems fairly non-urgent.)

I think that the problem here is that you've come to see her as the carer of your child, and as a housekeeper, and not as your partner. And that's really, really sad.

Jack B. Badd

unbiased, from the sounds of it there are a lot of little things that when taken together are driving you mad. I think you need to sit down with her & work out a system - who does what housework & when. Imo the SAH partner should be doing the bulk of the housework but she may make some valid points about the amount of time taking care of the kid takes up (I don't know, I don't have kids). Have a couple of regular chats about how things are going with the system & both of your expectations. Feedback & communication are key.

Morag

unbiased wrote: »

I'm beginning to think it's more than just laziness. That there is an inability to cope with it. That is now worrying me.

Post natal depression can kick in anytime up to 6 months and some people don't spot it until several months later, and there is also parenthood related depression. Some people just don't do well as a stay at home parent and are over whelmed by it all.

I can certainly remember leaving everything and escaping the hell out of the house when an opportunity presented it to get away from it all the drudgery and thing always needing to be done and the loneliness of being stuck at home.

Is she happy being the one at home?

trio

OP, forgive me but you do come across as being quite hostile towards your wife.

If you have a 4000 word letter of complaints about her behaviour, I have to ask......do you think she has any positive characteristics?

You suspect she hasn't been right since the birth of the child, yet are absolutely fuming about housework. But it's not like the house is a kip. It's just....odd, how unconnected you seem to be to how she is inside. You seem to have no idea what's going on with her. And instead you're fixating on how she's letting you down with the housework.

To be honest, you're acting more like you're her Dad. You've a mental checklist of chores in your head at all times, and woe betide the woman if one isn't done, and you have to do it.

Sounds to me like she's escaping the house every chance she can get, tbh. She doesn't sound happy at all.

Neyite

trio wrote: »

OP, forgive me but you do come across as being quite hostile towards your wife.

...You've a mental checklist of chores in your head at all times, and woe betide the woman if one isn't done, and you have to do it.

I'm afraid I agree. I think you came on here to try and prove you are right, so you can show her up as being wrong or lazy, rather than look for solutions to make your relationship happier.

i'm guessing that before baby, you both worked and shared out the houshold chores. Now baby is here, and its a new kind of normal. When you have a toddler all the household chores dramatically increase.

So where the old normal was carrying 2 breakfast bowls to the sink now involves carrying 3 bowls to the sink, wiping down the messy table, highchair, wiping the child, maybe changing the clothes and picking cornflakes out of their hair, sweeping the floor under the table and wiping the walls!.

Same for hoovering or sweeping - maybe once or twice a week if there was just the two of you, but now a daily if not several times a day occurance. Laundry dramatically increases too.

My partner has always worked a 50-60 hr week, while I'm on a 35 hr week. I've barely been allowed to do a tap around the house since I got pregnant. And I've been told that my job after I give birth is to ignore the house work and concentrate on baby.

I think you want to be able to tell her that other stay at home mothers do more around the house and to pull her socks up. You need to talk to her - but to see it from her side if you can, and ask her to see it from yours, and agree a compromise. At the moment, you are coming across exactly as Chatterpillar described, like her dad. And that will get you nowhere in any discussion.

woodchuck

unbiased wrote: »

And, as a poster mentioned above, I'm conscious of the post-natal side of things. I don't think it's full on, the child is nearly 11 months, but I think my partner isn't coping well in general with it, and hasn't right from the start.

OP the fact that you know your wife is struggling (and may have postnatal depression) changes things completely. It sounds like she’s trying her best under the circumstances. None of the examples you’ve given from yesterday should be anything to get worked up about. You knew she was going out for the day and was feeling a little poorly, but you’re mad about a few dishes left unwashed and a load of laundry not put in the dryer!?

Your primary concern should be your wifes wellbeing (after your childs of course, but everything sounds fine on that front), not whether or not all the housework is done in a timely manner.

You need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your wife and figure out what is going on her head. She might need to see a doctor and/or go to counselling. The LAST thing you should do is show her that list you wrote. I’d tear it up right now if I were you. Once she gets herself sorted these things will eventually fall into place, but you’re going to have to pick up the slack in the meantime. You shouldn’t be looking to fix the symptoms, you should want to try help with the underlying problems.

snor

I have to say the OPs post disgusts and sickens me.

Maybe if you spent more time with your wife and your son (referred to in your posts so affectionatly as 'the child' and 'him') rather than composing a 4000 word critisism of your wife, your wife might have the opportunity to be a person rather than a mother.

As a separated, working parent to 3 young children, I am all too aware of all the work involved in running a house - outside of all the 'chores' you mentioned. You may not sit down for a minute the whole day but yet could not say at the end of the day that you did any of the 'chores' you mentioned - laundry etc. It's a busy life being a mum before you even start being a cleaning lady.

You are spening the most important years of your little boy's life scrutinising the state of the house and finding fault with you son's mum. Is he a healthy, happy little fellow? No mention of that in your posts. Your wife and little boy are what you should be taking notice of, not the housework. They are what should be improtant in your life. You are not going to look back when your son is grown up and wish your house was cleaner. Your wife's main role is being as good a mum to her little boy as she can be and you should be supporting her in that.

Tayla

unbiased wrote: »

No problem at all, have done that. I've no issue spending the 1.5-2 hours nap time catching up on housework, and the days that I've had I've also had no problem squeezing in plenty of other work, AND leisure time during the day.

Now granted, it's not all day every day as people say (well 5 days a week). But from the times I've had to do it, generally I cope far better, and get a hell of a lot done in comparison.

You say you've stayed at home and managed perfectly fine, but staying at home once in a while is completely different to doing it every day especially if someone is coming home and nitpicking about what housework should have been done.

You seem to be jumping from one conclusion to another at the end of all your posts, i've put them all into one so you can read it.

unbiased wrote: »

Is it being able to cope, or not being pure lazy. That's what I'm struggling with at the moment.
*****

I'm beginning to think it's more than just laziness. That there is an inability to cope with it. That is now worrying me.
*****

And, as a poster mentioned above, I'm conscious of the post-natal side of things. I don't think it's full on, the child is nearly 11 months, but I think my partner isn't coping well in general with it, and hasn't right from the start.
*****

Straw... camel... yes.

There's no excuse for all that today, other than knowing she can get away with it. I think it's taken me this long to realise this.

First you're confused, then you worry that she hasn't been able to cope since the start, then you 'realised' she's only doing it because she can get away with it, those last 2 posts were written on the same day!

So first you were conscious that it may be post natal depression but then you were sure it was laziness??

Have you not thought about asking her how she feels? Why do you feel the need to show her a 4000 word essay about everything she does that bothers you? Can you not just ask her is she overwhelmed by it all and take it from there?

The baby is 11 months now, it gets harder to keep a home clean and tidy once a baby starts walking while at the same time you get even less time do housework because you are constantly running after the child in case they fall etc,

In a home without children you can wash the floors and windows and they will stay clean, adults don't throw food on the floor or at the walls, or empty the toy box on the floor no matter how many times you have to pick it up. Once you do something it's clean for the day, Keeping a clean home with a toddler means having to do a lot of the same jobs a few times a day, have the talk with your wife now because if you suspect she's not coping why would you want to let this continue knowing she is struggling?

If it is just laziness then you will need to have a discussion about it also because as I said, toddlers are harder to mind than babies and you are going to need to get this sorted out because at the end of the day you seem to be getting very worked up to the extent that you said you feel like you won't be able to stay in the house anymore as things stand.

CathyMoran

OP - have you any idea how much day to day work a baby/todler is - yes, they are great fun but you are sometimes lucky if you have lunch. I have a 10 month old and she is furniture surfing all the time but if I turn my back on her for a minute she is likely to fall. My father's suggestion was to put her in front of the tv all day so that the house is tidy :eek: Your parther is being a good mother, be glad of that and help out a lot more. I am lucky that I have a wonderful husband who does the nights and helps around the house and we have microwave or easy to prepare meals. A tidy house is secondary.