confused/depressed?

LegacyUser

Thank you for spending the time to read my thread. ive turned to here as i dont really feel comfortable talking to family about this, and i would get proffesional help but seen as i dont know if its true yet, i dont want to waste a proffessional's time.

Well last year my sibling developed depression. i was with him through it all, even though hes older than me. during that time alot of the attention from my parents was shifted onto him. this i understood, yet i couldnt help feel invisable though more and more stress of the family was put onto me. anyway after a while, i got depression too, and it got pretty bad though i didnt tell anyone.i had thought about suicide, attempted it...but couldnt go through with it.
i didnt tell any of my friends from this school or home but i told a 6th former at my school and she told the nurse who spoke to me about it. they then informed my parents who took me to speak to a doctor. after that i started feeling better and was no longer troubled by it. i was so thankful.
its been about half a year, and since then ive moved schools. its been quite stressful and confusing, making new friends, not sure if fitting in and so forth. anyway i ended up tellin a few close friends of mine about that past year, worst mistake of my life. anyway they sympathised and we dropped the subject. but regrettfully, every time i felt a little low or stressed, id say to one of them (the closest) oh im goin down hill again, and somedays at school id act really aloof because of it. because when youve had depression, its your worst nightmare to get it again, so you get worried when you feel the slightest upset.
anyway, from then on i felt that time i went through is close to me, it was buried but i feel its become close to me now, constantly on my mind. ive been feeling extremely stressed recently, confused by how im feeling, lost religeousley and just it all feels a mess, and i dont know if its depression or not.

Now this may sound silly....but im scared im attention seeking without knowing it. because when i feel down, i WANT my friends to notice, so they'll ask me how i am, so i can share with someone, when it was buried, it stayed that way, i never wanted re-assurance. anyway im scared that im using it to get attention. i mean i know it sounds stupid that i dont know if i am, but i genuinely dont know, maybe its because im so confused, maybe its just because i want someone to care,

anyway, also what worries me is when i ask myself, do i want to be happy, the answer i get is i dont know.....i just feel everyone hates me, that im ugly, fat and annoying, i want to punish myself. i thought about cutting but as soon as i put the knife to my wrist, the pain was usddenly gonna be real so i backed off.
ive done a few online questionaires that actually point to me being depressed, but i just arent sure whether its my imagination, stress, or genuine. another reason i doubt it is because when im with my friends, i can laugh and forget all about how i hate myself and be happy, does this mean im not depressed?

im more worried that im attention seeking, i just dont want that to me be, but thats nomally not me, is it because i want to fit in with my friends? its just when i think about it and i get low, i immediatley think, should i tell my friend?
what does this mean?

sorry if this is all abit confusing, im jubbled up inside, so my writing is bound to be. basically my question is, does it sound like im actually depressed, or attention seeking, and what do i do about it, tell my friend? or keep it a secret?

im 13 if that helps

Ickle Magoo

Obviously we cannot diagnose you, OP - you really need to speak to your GP about how you are feeling and get a professional diagnosis.

Online diagnoses are dangerous, don't ignore the fact you have felt suicidal or cutting yourself - please get yourself some help.

I'll leave this thread open for the moment because I appreciate you are only 13, you feel you can't speak to your family and could really do with some empathy/advice.

All the best...

Jane Eyre

Hi love, You should be proud of yourself for being able to express your feelings so well, but friends of your own age might not understand. Please talk to someone about how you're feeling. Your parents care just as much about you as your brother, and while you might feel like you don't want to burden them, I'm absolutely sure that they won't see it as a burden at all and will want to help you. You are very smart and articulate and I suspect that you have a very bright future. What you are feeling might just be temporary, but best to check it out with someone qualified. Talking to your mum will be the first step and definitely won't be as scary as you think ! Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies so far, but i guess i know where this is heading. i know i should get help, i mean i did last time but the main problem before it comes to that is to whether im just kidding myself? i just dont want to be wasting someones time. and plus the last time when my bro was depressed, it made the house very gloomy, stressed and just a horrible place to be as everyone was sad, this was one of the reasons why i dont want to mention it, because it wont make it etter, and could make my brother worse. i spoke to a friend of mine, she was extremely nice and was surpirisingly uplifting, she really helped me get to the cause, so im feeling a bit better, i just want to know if u think im attention seeking or something. sorry im sounding very confusing, i just hate being a bad person.

and you have no idea how much you made my day ^^^ when you said the compliments. im actually welling up!! thank you that made me feel better too about myself, at least im not suchhhh a bad person. Thanks again

Taltos

Sarah xx wrote: »

i just dont want to be wasting someones time

Please don't think for one moment you are wasting anyone's time.

Sarah xx wrote: »

the last time when my bro was depressed, it made the house very gloomy, stressed and just a horrible place to be as everyone was sad, this was one of the reasons why i dont want to mention it, because it wont make it etter, and could make my brother worse

- make sure you mention this when you talk to your mum.
I am not saying they need to pretend to be all happy and cheerful but your folks have to accept that how they approach your concerns and your brother's depression is a huge contributing factor in helping you both.
It might be a good idea to also mention this to your GP if/when you see them - chances are your parents are just lost in terms of how to behave, as much as you are blaming yourself I would guess that both of them also blame themselves. Silly really but a lot of people seem to take all the responsibility on themselves even for things they have no control over.

Sarah xx wrote: »

i just want to know if u think im attention seeking or something. sorry im sounding very confusing, i just hate being a bad person.

This is an easy one to answer - NO - you are not attention seeking.
Right now you are crying out for help because deep down you know that you need someone to help you and since due to your guilt you feel you cannot ask your family you are reaching out to your friends. As a post above mentioned though many of your friends may not be emotionally able to help you, it could be even your parents are not emotionally able to help you - that is where the GP comes in - with their help - and insist on it - you can find someone to help you.

Look at it this way - if you had a toothache you would go see a specialist - your local dentist. Right now you have another pain, one you don't know how to fix - so you need a different specialist to help you too.

Can I repeat though to let your folks know all your fears - including that of impacting your brother - and maybe tag on a suggestion that they speak to someone also.

It might help before you talk to them to write down all of your fears, everything you are feeling. This way when you go to them the emotion of telling them how you feel won't cause you to forget what it is you need to say.

I have to admit, wish I had your courage.

LegacyUser

thank you for your reply, haha which courage? i have none. i just feel that i really dont want to speak to my gp. im not a very open person, last time i found it incredibly uncomfortable. and tbh one of my friends has been through what im going through, and she is helping me alot, i feel quite a bit better after speaking with her.

i really dont want to speak to my parents though. right this may sound incredibly stupid but my parents are always saying that sometimes they mistake me for an adult because im so mature, i dont know its just i feel they put so much stress on me sometimes, like im an extra adult. and me and my mum are very close, we call each other best friends. tbh i just dont want to remove that and make them feel bad, the least thing i want to do is make some1 feel bad, i already hate myself.

dont worry i will consider it, but i just dont think i could im just not ready

Ickle Magoo

If you need someone to talk to there are some useful contacts HERE

I'm a parent and believe me Sarah, your parents would feel worse if they thought you felt you couldn't confide in them...it's their job to help you, support you and look out for you - but sometimes parents need a bit of help and they need to be told something is wrong.

You do have courage - you had the courage to know something isn't right and you had the presence of mind to reach out for help - now you just need to take that extra step and tell someone in real life.

I'm rooting for you. xxxx

genie_us

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

If you need someone to talk to there are some useful contacts HERE

Hi OP

I just want to echo what others have said, particularly the bit about the courage. You clearly do have some even if you don't know it!

Anyway I wanted to add that there is another contact you could ring which is Teenline - http://www.teenline.ie/

I used to volunteer with them a couple of years ago. We found that people your age sometimes felt that childline seemed to young for them and the Samaritans feel too old.. anyway the point being that they are there to listen (for anyone of any age) to you and it is of course fully confidential. You could talk to them until you feel you are ready to talk to your parents about how you're feeling.

Wishing you all the very best

LegacyUser

thank you for the messages, i still havent told my parents

i told two close friends though, and although they dont know what its like they helped massively, just having someone to talk to.

anyway i dont know if i mentioned it in my first post, but when i was going through what i did last year, i started getting paranoia. like serious stuff, in the back of my mind i knew it wasnt true but i couldnt sto myself from worrying, like whether my parents were going to kill me, or if i wasnt straight or that my friends hated me and so on. well 6 people know about my past depression, and 5 of them are my close friends at school. anyway well today i got super scared that they all thought i was lying about my past. i mean i know i shouldnt care if theydo, but ive seen people lie about this stuff, and personally it gets me so angry, so i really didnt want them to think i was. anyway i asked one of them and she said she didnt, though i think she was a bit confused why i asked as she doesnt know about now.

sorry about the rambling

anyway that got me down, and just the fact that im annoyong, and every time i look in the mirror i see im ugly, im pathetic, and im pretty sure im fat. i just feel like curling up or banging my head against the wall, but i still dont want to tell my parents

basically should i ask my two friends who know about now whether they think im lying, or will that raise suspician?

im just so confused i need someone to lie on, but my friends dont understand.

anyway im sorry, there really isnt any objective to this polst, but i thought its kind of an update and it would be great if you could help me try and resolve the situation, without talkin to my gp, last time i did what made me happier was talkin to someone about it.

anyway thank you for your kind words aswell

I'm not sure if you're aware, but there is actually a forum aimed towards the younger members of boards, called Clearasil & Hormones and there's a fantastic thread there about depression, which you can find here. It might be worth a read over, just so you can see how people in your own age group cope.

I just wanted to say that of course you have courage. More than you can ever imagine - believe me. Depression is not an easy thing to live with, I know, but you have the courage to fight it. Just keep it up. You're doing great.

Honestly, I really think you should tell your parents. Unless there is some reason you'd rather not. You've received help before and it helped, so surely it would be the right thing to do.

Never forget - there is always hope and regardless of how bad something might seem - things will always always get better. I'm rooting for you and I know the others are too.

thefeatheredcat

You are courageous in the way that I wish I was at your age... please take on board what other posters have said. Talk to your parents about what you feel. I think it's more understanding that you are looking for more so than attention or validation.

I was your age when I stated cutting myself.... those scars are there permanently and the end result that I've only delayed for years what I should have done years ago that I currently face now.

Talk to your parents... if you really feel that you can't do that, then contact those who are listed in the links already given. But the best advise I can offer is really talk to your parents. I wish at your age I would have had the courage to confide in a 6th former who did the right thing in talking to the nurse, and where the matter was addressed properly.

You sound mature beyond your years and in the expression of yourself and this will always stand to you. Whatever you feel, it is nothing to be ashamed about. While your friends may not understand completely, there are others that will and they will help you.

Your parents are caring and loving people, they have demonstrated that in dealing with your brother's depression, and probably didn't think it would affect you. But it has, and they need to know, so they can help you too and offer support and offer comfort to you. I doubt that since they took your brother's depression seriously and with empathy that they will believe you to be attention seeking, but realise that you have had a lot to deal with too, being the supportive sibling, which is a lot to take on at your age. Absolutely talk with your parents, tell them what you feel and what you have posted here and let them help you.

LegacyUser

Thank you very much for your kind words.

tbh i think im starting to feel better? i mean the reason i felt down was because my parents were stressing me out and because i felt ugly and i felt i was a horrible person, since then ive fixed things with my parents and im starting to raise my self esteem, just a little.

also last night for like 2 hours i was skyping with my best friends, and i was genuinely happy and laughing, and that doesnt happen when you are depressed, could it be hat i thought i was depressed but i was actually just down for a week?

im not really sure where im going with this, but im sorry, i really understand where you are coming from when you say tell your parents, but no i couldnt do that to them, they are happy and i dont want to ruin that, even if it means im not happy, but as ive come to realsie that may not be the case.

thank you all so much for the replies, you have helped so much and made me feel alot better, but i can see the light now, so there is no point troubling others, ill try and keep you updated to the day when i can say im truly not depressed, but still thank you for all your kind words, they mean so much i cant thank you enough

A person can feel depressed and still feel moments of happiness. Honestly, don't doubt yourself and think you're being an attention seeker - you really and truly aren't.

Like others have said, if you can't talk to your parents, talk to someone mentioned in any of the links (also check out the links in my sig, which might hopefully come in useful for you). Your parents would rather know if something is going on with you. You don't need to worry.

LegacyUser

Thank you, ok well maybe i was depressed, but im sure im ok now? i mean can you be ok and then suddenly feel blue again? is that depression of just normality for my age?

i really am feeling alot better, and have used some of the websites and found my own that have made me feel better, im pretty sure im on my way out of this hole, apart from the paranoia.....but whatever, you cant solve everythin hey?

thank u

P. Breathnach

Hi Sarah.

You know that we are not supposed to behave like experts here, because you have no way of knowing who is really an expert and who might be spouting nonsense.

Thirteen is both a great age and a difficult one. It's great because you are moving towards adulthood and all the hopes and possibilities that are connected with that. It's difficult for the same reason. I'm sure that you can understand what I mean.

It's fairly normal to move between feeling good about yourself and bad about yourself. That's a lifelong thing, but the pattern is stronger in adolescent years (hormones have something to do with that). You seem to be putting more emphasis on the bad bits than the good bits, but in your last post you tell us about some of the good side of your life.

It sometimes help if you use what are called "coping mechanisms". That's a fancy term for a simple thing: simple mental games to help you through the bad moments. When you are feeling negative, make a deliberate effort to focus your mind on things that have made you feel good about yourself, things like your two hours of happy skyping.

My message to you is: don't feel bad about feeling bad.

LegacyUser

thank you, tbh im not quite sure what you mean by that, but i know that there can be ups and downs, its just im not in a very good place so i may be focusing on the down parts, whether this is to do with my depression being back i dont know, but seen as im in a happy place and i have my friend supporting me, i think im going to be ok. im just hopeing that my paranoia stays away

thank you sooo much for your kind words, i dont think i have EVER had anyone be so nice and helpful and uplifting, i really apreciate your advice and although i havent told my parents, ive given the rest alot of thought. i think for now im going to be ok, thank you so much again

haha and sorry if i have or am confusing you, i am confuzzled to, so it may be reflected in this thread, haha i dont think i would undertsand it tbh

thank you

Taltos

Sarah xx wrote: »

Thank you, ok well maybe i was depressed, but im sure im ok now? i mean can you be ok and then suddenly feel blue again? is that depression of just normality for my age?

OP and posters - as per the mod warning on post 2 we have to be careful we don't diagnose here.

Thanks
Taltos

gud4u

Hi Sarah,
I didn't realise your age until I reread some of the posts and can wholeheartedly agree with a lot of what has been said above.

You are at an age when hormaones start going up and down, so it's normal to feel like your mood is up and down.

You could almost be posting about me at your age, and because I didn't reach out for help then, it went on for a long time until I was too sick to be helped for a while.

There are so many resources now which you have availed of which is great, you skyped your friends for a chat, I come from a time where you had to walk to your friends house for a chat:D

Even though you feel better now, it might still be a good idea to speak to your parents for the simple reason that you may be able to convey your feelings better when your less stressed and depressed.

Your parents will appreciate your honesty ans as they supported your sibling I'm sure they will do the same for you.

I grew up with sibling who had a breakdown at 17 and while it put pressure on my parents, my mother still feels a sense of guilt as to how I was treated. However, you must understand that it was different times back then and attitude to mental health were different. My mother felt guilty that I didn't come to her. even just keeping her in the loop(your mother) would be a good idea. Communication is the key to all happy relationships, and practising with your parents and siblings is where the learning begins for your adult life.

Society really respects the value of mental health now and I'm sure your parents would want to help you keep yours in top condition, the same way they would want to keep you physically fit and healthy.

Take care.

herisson

hey OP!

its not good at all to keep it held in
i have been doing it for months and its been eating away at me until i had a breakdown this weekend...

i finally had to face that i have depression
i finally admitted it on boards....i was so afraid that people thought i was looking for attention but im really not.... if anything i hate it but i needed to come out and say it

i would strongly suggest you go to your doctor or go to a friend or even your parents
explain how you feel
i detest talking about my feelings but it feels so much better to talk about it

it is important even if you suspect it or else you know there is something not right....just talk to anyone!

i feel better now that i have talked about it out in the open with the doctor!!
im happy i am taking this step! its for my own good!!

hope this helps OP!! xx