short short story- feedback/criticism appreciated!

LegacyUser

Here is a story that I just came up with this evening. I'm very much out of practise with writing & have lost a bit of confidence in my abilities so feedback and criticism would be great to get me going again! Thanks in advance!

Everyone mooched around the house, chatting with each other and picking at the sandwiches that Dolores’ sister, Kate, had made. She offered round slices of her apple pie, covered in a layer of icing sugar as thick as the dust on the chessboard.
“It was a lovely service John. She’ll be well missed.”
He nodded and moved around the room, politely saying a few words of thanks to all those in attendance.

Kate was the last to leave that evening, promising she’d be round tomorrow with dinner.
“Any word from Johnny?” she asked, standing at the door.
“Not since I told him about his mother.”
She flinched at his choice of words.
“You’d think he would have made it for the funeral,” she said curtly.
He shrugged his shoulders.
“Nothing we can do about it.”
She strode out of the house, shoulders hunched and head hung low.

John sat in the front room and listened to the silence. He lit up a cigarette and felt both defiant and guilty for smoking inside the house. He could take in a little stray for company, he supposed. Michael Kenny always had a pup or two that needed getting rid of.

The knock on the front door wasn’t entirely unexpected, given the day that was in it. When he found Johnny standing on the step, he wasn’t entirely taken by surprise either. He patted Johnny on the back as he let him in.
“I’m sorry I didn’t make it earlier, Dad,” he said.
“I’m glad you came at all,” John replied, “You’ll have a drink?”

John poured a glass of whisky and handed it to his son. They clinked their glasses together and sat down. Johnny pulled the chess table out so that it sat before them. He pushed a white pawn forward.

“I was in Morrissey’s. I didn’t want to come over with everyone here. I laid some flowers on the grave after the burial. Your move.”
John considered his wooden army before moving his knight. Every game of theirs ended the same way no matter what stance he took.
“I’m sorry,” Johnny said again, “I just couldn’t face seeing Kate.”
“You may be her child Johnny but you’re our son. She did what she had to do at the time. We all had our choices to make and you have yours too. You can’t avoid that.
John took a sip from his glass and sat back in his chair.
“Your move, boy.”

pickarooney

I found it really hard to figure out who was who all throughout the story. The focus seems to shift about a lot in a few short paragraphs.

Lancelot1 wrote: »

Everyone mooched around the house, chatting with each other and picking at the sandwiches that Dolores’ sister, Kate, had made.

Who's Dolores? She's used as a reference to tell us who Kate is, but we never hear of her again. So we don't know who Kate is either and we're not sure who to concentrate on.

She offered round slices of her apple pie, covered in a layer of icing sugar as thick as the dust on the chessboard.

I presume the 'she' here is Kate but it's not clear as she's only been referred to by proxy previously. Also, you haven't told us anything about a chessboard so we can't really visualise how much dust/icing sugar there is, though presumably quite a bit.

“It was a lovely service John. She’ll be well missed.”

There's a John, now, but we don't know where he fits in and then...

He nodded and moved around the room, politely saying a few words of thanks to all those in attendance.

He's suddenly the focus of the piece and then...

Kate was the last to leave that evening, promising she’d be round tomorrow with dinner.

Are we back with Kate now?

“Any word from Johnny?” she asked, standing at the door.

Who's she asking? John, obviously, we find out a little later, but we could do with some sign beforehand.

“Not since I told him about his mother.”
She flinched at his choice of words.
“You’d think he would have made it for the funeral,” she said curtly.
He shrugged his shoulders.
“Nothing we can do about it.”
She strode out of the house, shoulders hunched and head hung low.

Who's Johnny? Who's his mother? Is it Dolores?

The knock on the front door wasn’t entirely unexpected, given the day that was in it. When he found Johnny standing on the step, he wasn’t entirely taken by surprise either. He patted Johnny on the back as he let him in.
“I’m sorry I didn’t make it earlier, Dad,” he said.
“I’m glad you came at all,” John replied, “You’ll have a drink?”

Use the names rather than the pronouns where necessary so we know John is Johnny's father and not vice versa.

The end is well written and clears up a lot of the questions from earlier.

wavehopper1

I thought it was a well-crafted piece.

You should rethink using Johnny as the other name, it's initially confusing as to whether John and Johnny are different people.

My assumption at the end is that Kate is John Senior's daughter, although you don't specify it. On first reading I was going to suggest that you make that clear earlier, but I've changed my mind. When I first read the line “I’m sorry,” Johnny said again, “I just couldn’t face seeing Kate.” - I thought that Kate is an ex-lover, then get the full whammy at the end.

You have no reason to lack confidence, you write well. These two short sentences are excellent, full of intrigue and made me read on:
“Not since I told him about his mother.”
She flinched at his choice of words.
I happily read the piece twice to pick up the nuances, that's a sign of a good writer.

D-FENS

I really liked it. The scene setting could be tweaked a bit and possibly the names but it is a real, true to life, Irish theme as anyone in the Adoption forum would confirm and one I can at least partly relate to (I was adopted but not by another family member).
I can’t help noticing the whiskey reference and wondering if you entered it in the Powers competition?
If so, it was a brave move and a refreshing entry for them to acknowledge in contrast to the warm fuzzy winner last year.