Trust issues with a friend...

LegacyUser

Hi,
Have recently come to find I cannot trust a friend, not sure if I need to tackle her or not.

To explain the background to how I know this person: My friend (call her Miriam to make it easy) of roughly 10 years shared a house in Galway with a girl (Cara). Cara worked for a few years with Kate. I met Kate approx 2 years ago when I was on a weekend in Galway with Miriam and Cara. I actually live in Kate's hometown (large-ish provincial town). Anyway, Kate got a job here and moved back, and my friend Miriam suggested I give her a ring etc as most of her 'home' friends have moved away. So, this I did, and now a little over a year on, Kate socialises with myself and my friends here all the time. She is even firm friends now with one of my best friends here. We're often go out in a trio. I wouldn’t say at all that myself and Kate are great friends, but I have found her to be a very friendly social person and great at making the effort in a friendship, always very mannerly and respectful too. She's very attractive, and the men here go weak around her. Good for her. no jealousy on my part.

But now there's a couple of things have really have made me wonder about her character. The first thing is probably slightly trivial. It’s about men. I kissed a guy a few months ago. (will call him Paul). I developed a little bit of a soft spot for him after and did my best I suppose to bump into him etc when out. The girls had a fair idea or were fully aware I liked this Paul. There were a few situations where I suddenly felt Kate tried to interfere with this. Myself and Paul were chatting in nightclub one night. and the end of the night as the place was emptying out, I was still chatting to him, next thing I know Kate is over butting in. (she's a big girl, didn't need her hand held going home, there were others out for her to head off with. no real need for her to come over to join the conversation in fact). anyway, the interruption sort of worked as the Paul headed off. he sent me a message few mins later, and when I showed it to a different friend and held the phone out for her to read the message, Kate giddly grabs the phone to read if. Anyway, a week or two passed, I lost his number and on a different night out we were invited back to a party. Kate ended up with Paul's number (long story and completely innocent), she told me she'd texted him to invite him. I actually thought I saw her type in a text message, I got distracted and wasn't exactly monitoring this, but I checked with her if she had sent him the message. she said yeah. I distinctly remember walking away with this gut feeling or inkling that she hadn’t actually texted him, had no proof, just a feeling. a couple of weeks later I ended up in his company at another party. Time went by, people left, it was then just the 3 of us!! She hung around for ages and ages, and wouldn't take any hint to leave. Eventually she did. I found it so fecking odd, as though she didn't want me to have success with the guy. To confirm my feeling, and to prove it wasnt silly drunken clueless behaviour, she casually joked a couple of weeks later "..oh you must have been dying for me to leave that night...". I shrugged it off, things weren't going to plan with Paul then, no need for me to give her a dig or have any small drama etc.
A mutual friend of ours here had a pretty much identical experience. at a party, friend liked a guy. We all knew it. I left early enough. Asked me friend for the gossip a couple of days later. Turns out Kate, again, hung around and wouldn't leave them to it!!! Warning bells tolling.
I wouldn't mind but myself and my friend are both a little shy with men, we certainly do not pull on regular basis. For every 10 men Kate scores, we might score one. There's genuinely no jealousy on my part. she's a stunning looking girl and VERY socially confident, and like I said the men go weak for her.

So..... I conceed the whole "men" theme to this post is a little trivial, and I didn't, at the time question Kate's overall integrity. but this next thing is what is breaking the camels back…..>
I have been considering quitting my job to go travelling later in the year. I confided these plans to one friend here. A few weeks later (fully confident of trusting Kate) told her my plans too. I told her that I wasn't telling anyone and specifically not anyone from my work for abvious reasons. The can be a small town at times, it wouldn't be hard for one slip of the tongue to let the cat out of the bag and everyone at work to find out. She said grand. but she did get excited about perhaps coming to meet me for a couple of weeks in Asia. Grand I told her. 2 days after I told her I received an email from Miriam telling me she heard from Cara (from Kate) that I was heading off this year!! My jaw dropped. I let it go, thinking that Kate must have just been really excited about visiting Asia etc. also, tiny chance of Miriam/Cara being down here to blab to others.
a week later I was out with Kate, and 3 different guys turned to me and commented about my plans to travel!!!! (one was fella Kate was seeing at the time, the other two lads she knows). When fella #3 commented I shot KAte a sharp look, and all she said was "oh I was just talking about Asia". That was approx 4/5 weeks ago. Anyway, I have since become more sure of my plans to leave so I told one more person (Susan), probably my best friend down here, note, that I actually work with Susan. Can trust her 100%. Turns out she already knew! Kate. I was gobsmacked!!!!!!!!!!!
She, apparently, let it slip once evening when Susan was asking Kate if she had any holidays planned this year. Kate told her she was going to Thailand when I was in Asia. Susan thought she was talking about someone else going travelling at first, then Susan confirmed it was me. All of a sudden Kate got all flustered, explained how she shouldn't have said anything, that I didn’t want anyone at work to know, and asked Susan to not say anything. So, Susan waited for me to tell her myself, and the next day thought it best to let me know that she had already known for a few weeks. I was so shocked, but grateful for Susan to fill me in. Susan is pretty smart but she tells me that she can’t be sure if KAte let it slip completely by accident, or accidentally on purpose (to perhaps get a dig at Susan that I confided in her ahead of Susan). She's 50/50 on that. I can't get it out of my head since I found out yesterday. I simply CANNOT understand how someone could have let that slip by mistake. She is a very intelligent girl, like I said always comes across respectful and even comes across mature for her age (she's 27, the rest of us are early 30s). this slip doesn't tie in with a mature decent person. On reflection, I feel this wasn't an innocent slip. When I analyse some of behaviour (including the men incidents above) I am starting to see a little bit of an attention seeker, the type who like her social status, and likes to have it reaffirmed. and I don't trust her as far as I can throw her. I am really annoyed.

What are the outside, impartial views on the above?? Should I tackle her one it. A good friend from home thinks I should phase her out. I see this view point, she’s not a “great” friend, if I left here tomorrow it wouldn’t upset me to not see/hear from her again.

I didn't intend this to be such a long post, sorry about that. Hope it's not too long and boring. I just wanted to give the details as best I could. Thanks for reading.

Killed By Death

She sounds like a bit of a sh!t stirrer alright OP. All done in an 'apparently' innocent way. I would just keep my eye on her, distance yourself a bit, don't tell her anything important and as far as lads go, try to keep any interest you are getting away from her ears.

It could be if she is stunning she is used to being the centre of attention and doesn't like other girls getting a chance. As weird as that seems (seeing as she has her pick) I've seen it once or twice before with very good looking people. They feel they have to assert their dominance over all the talent and mark their territory.

This may not be the case but I'd be wary of her definitely.

As Killed By Death said, I've seen this a few times before too. I've known a few girls who were so used to being the centre of attention, they felt genuinely invisible if even one person wasn't interested in them. Same goes with any news/secrets/gossip, they had to tell it because it was a way of making it about them. And while they don't really do anything that's technically wrong, there's an extremely strange transparency to their act.

If this is the type of girl your friend is, I wouldn't bother "phasing her out", but I certainly wouldn't entertain her anymore. She's just not worth the energy.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the couple of posts.
Yes, the more I think about it, the more I believe her slip wasn't innocent. Major sh1t stirrer. and most likely told my work friend in the hope of getting the dig in and to make out how she is higher up the pecking order. NOT anymore.
The other funny thing is, a couple of months ago a thought entered my head. i.e. that if she ever got half a chance with this Paul guy at some of these late night parties, she'd jump him. In fact she might even make it her business to score him. Not that there is a law against this, it's a free country afterall, but IMO it's not the done thing among friends (unless you're still 15 and immature) I don't think the thought of her doing this entered my head out of paranoia.

You live and learn!!

Daisy M

I think you have been lucky, you have learned what this girl is like early on before she can do any major damage. You now know what she is like lesson learned, dont confide in her any more, if she hangs around when she is not wanted make a little joke and let her know your aware of her behaviour.

Johnny_BravoIII

Man problems - you don't get "dibs" on people.
Did the guy fancy you or Kate?
If she was getting signals from him then she was more than entitled to wait for you to feck off.
Travel plans - once you tell anybody, there's a chance it gets out.
Your mate blabbed. It's both her & your fault.

Overall, if you just don't like her fair enough but I think you are reaching for reasons not to like her.

LegacyUser

OP here.
thanks for that advice Johnny_BravoIII. to tell anyone runs the risk of something getting out. but when you have trust in a friendship you expect that anything you confide in confidence to be respected. but yes, I am at fault for trusting.
as for the guy. he showed interest in me. other friends had noted this at the time also...

and I have always liked Kate as my friend, I saw plenty of positive qualities in her up until now. it's only now I am seeing this break of trust and to me this casts a doubt over her character. yes I do not like it what she's done. But no, I am not reaching for reasons to dislike her. I like to weigh things up before I cast judgement and even yesterday when I saw her I started to think I might have been harsh. however, a gut feeling is a gut feeling and what she gets up to isn't on.

thanks though.

pickarooney

Why did you choose to tell Kate the secret? You don't seem particularly close (to be quite honest, your remark about her being with ten men for every one you see seems a little catty) and she'd already scuppered your chances with Paul twice. Would she really have believed that you trusted in her and weren't telling lots of other people about your plans?

In your position I think I'd be a lot more pissed off about her obviously deliberate attempts to sabotage your love life than her blabbermouthedness.

Sin1981

Don't think the OP ever thought she had "dips" on the guy to be fair. it didn't work out but she doesn't sound like she thinks this Kate isn't allowed go there.

as for your so called friend. she might be a nice enough girl most of the time, but does seems to have Queen bee syndrome of some sort. like's being popular and the centre of things, especially where men are concerned. Like DaisyM said, you have learned your lesson. my advice is, draw a line, play along with things, don't shut her out (hard as there are mutual friends involved), but never trust her and keep all gossip away from her.

face1990

I know that type of person completely! I think the best thing is to put up with her, enjoy her company as much as before, but don't trust her as far as you can throw her.

Maybe see if other friends have noticed similar things about her, but then again you don't want to be stirring sh1t yourself!