Make or break long term relationship.

LegacyUser

I am in a relatively happy relationship. I say relatively happy, because there are some issues that are causing me to reevaluate the entire situation.

To give you some background. I’m 30, he’s 35. We have been going out for just over 3 years. He has a very busy work life, without giving too must away he’s on site all day and and generally meeting customers and gets home around 9 or 10 o’clock.
We do not live together, but we live in the same town about a 10 minute drive apart, and we both live alone. We see each other most weekends when he is not working or playing football. Generally he plays on a saturday and we go out on Saturday night. I stay over in his on Saturday night , so if he’s not working or too hungover on Sunday its the only ‘quality’ time we spend together.

During the week we might meet for dinner but we never stay over with each other. He does not want to be ‘too tired’ the next day for work. We’ve spoken about it and he agrees things are not ideal, but there has been no change in the situation. I also feel that he is happy the ways things are despite what he says.

I don't want to add pressure to his work life as he’s stressed enough with the way things are, I also don’t want to ask him to stop playing his football as he really enjoys it, and enjoys his time with the lads. But I feel bottom of the list, and I need more from him.
I love him and when we spend time together it's great, but I’m started to resent feeling he does not want to spend more time with me. I feel we are going nowhere. I’m quite shy and find it difficult to bring up and discuss these problems, and I also dont want to ruin the precious time we do spend together.

In every other way he is a great boyfriend. Loving and caring. But I’ve tried telling him I’m not happpy the way things are, and he says things will change, but they haven’t. I don’t even know how they will change or if it can. We are not teenagers and I feel like I need more from him. I've dated guys in the past and after 2 months I felt more invloved in their lives.

I’m wondering if its worth trying to fight for a relationship when things have not changed in the past. Or should I just admit that we are not compatible and I’m never going to be happy playing second fiddle. Please help. What can I do.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Surely he isn't out every night til 9 or 10.

You've been seeing him for 3 years and you really only see him once a week, even though you only live 10 minutes away?

I'm dating a girl for 6 months or so who lives an hour and 20 minutes drive away and I see her once a week.

I'm sure he could commit an evening to you every week where you go to the cinema, for dinner or whatever and for him to be able stay over and to wake up relatively refreshed and normal.

Btw, most people even though they're tired can still work the next day.....

Does he ever stay over with you?

Why not suggest an extra night during the week and see how he feels about it. Or even suggest for him to come over to yours for a couple of hours to watch a DVD. That would only be 2-3 hours..... and then see if he'd stay over. Get him to leave a change of clothes at yours.

Or more drastically, you could say that you want to move in with him for a couple of days a week so you see more of him....

That might show whether you guys are compatible in the long term or not.

Johnny_BravoIII

Why don't ye move in together?

Miss Fluff

It's obvious you're playing second fiddle. Have you considered that he might be a workaholic? I think it is a word that is bandied about here and there but having been involved with a bona fide, card-carrying, certifiable workaholic I can tell you that it's not a life you want unless he agrees to get help. Mine was only a short involvement of a few months but he dumped me in the end for work and boy did that hurt. It is an addiction and it certainly sounds like this chap could have similar issues.

If he is in work for 8 or 9 every morning he is putting in 12-14 hour days and it is taking such priority that it is even invading on your couple time lest he be underperform at work the next day. This won't get better and needs to be addressed. I understand that some conversations are difficult and you might not relish the prospect of a confrontation but you do in fact need to establish whether things are going to improve and when. Right now you're playing second fiddle to a job.

I pity the fool tbh - nobody lies on their deathbed wishing they had spent more time in the office...:rolleyes:

ihsb

In a relationship, you should be number one to your partner. And you are not OP. You need to say this to your OH. It is not on that you should feel like he is choosing his hobby/work/his friends over you. You should not have to ask him to choose.

The fact is. When you start a relationship things change. You change how much time you spend with people to make room for the new person in your life. He hasn't done this for you.

You need to sit him down and talk about it. Let him know that if things do not change then you will not settle for being bottom of the pile. And follow through if he doesn't start to make you feel special.

lace

My first thought here was - "Why don't the two of them just move in together? They could spend evenings/nights together all the time!".

Then I realized it's not quite that simple and that perhaps he doesn't want the two of you to move on to that level of "serious". Asides from seeing him whenever you do, how involved are you in his life? Are you on good terms with his family and friends? Do you feel welcome in his social circle? Do the two of you talk about the future?

His hobby and friends are important and I can see why you don't want to ask him to compromise this. My issue would be with the whole "tired after work" part. I understand that working a lot can be stressful but surely seeing you one extra night a week wouldn't ruin his whole work life? If he gets home at 10:00 and picks you up on the way the two of you could watch a movie and still be in bed by 12:30. Presuming he's not getting up at 5:00, he'd still get a fairly good night's sleep.

Tbh, it sounds like he's not really listening to what you're saying and either doesn't care or doesn't understand how upset you are.

LegacyUser

OP here. Firstly thanks for the replys. It is not easy to post personal problems and have your worst fears somehow acknowledged and justified by independent observers. I appreciate the input.
I cannot sleep tonight thinking about it. I apologise if I’m rambling at this late hour.

I do not think he is ready to move in together, and I don’t want to pressure him, but I’m getting the feeling that if we dont it will be the end of the relationship. Moving in together is a big move and will take both commitment and compromise from both of us, and I don’t feel like I’m getting either from him.

Sometimes is upsetting when he prioritises himself over me. He recently was able to take a long weekend away for a stag party with one of his team mates. I suggested it would be nice to go away for a weekend and he made a big deal about it and his work commitments. I dont resent him going away on a lads break, but surely I deserve the same level of his time and effort.

I do get on very well with all his friends, we regularly attend team nights out and I know them all very well. I also get on and know all his family. Socially our lives are very connected and I dont feel excluded in any way from that part of his life. If you were to ask any one of our mutual friends they think we are the perfect couple, and are always making remarks how we’ll be the next pair down the aisle. This could not be further from the reality of how we are together, and our totally separate lives.

We sometimes meet on a wednesday night but its only to go for a quick bite to eat after he’s finished work at whatever time. Its then ‘good night’ and we both go home separately. It’s hurtful that he does not want to spend any more time with me. I’d like to have a more casual interaction where we could just chill out with eachother in the evening, watch a movie, and go to sleep together. He does not want this obviously, and is always using work or being tired as a excuse.

I feel like I make all the effort, arrange my time around him. I stay in his at the weekends. He never stays or even suggests to stay in mine. I feel he has basically orchestrated to have me there when it suits him. God writing this all down I’m realising how bad it sounds, but I’m trying to be as honest as possible.

I’ve tried to talk to him, but always comes up with a way to end the conversation, or a comment to make it sound like its all ok. He gets uncomfortable discussing anything serious. Sometimes I wonder does he even realise how selfish he is being. Can he really think we have the perfect relationship and not realise its not normal.

I love him and he says he loves me. It would break my heart to end what we have. When we are together its so easy. But I'm not sure I can sacrifice my own happiness the rest of the time for it. I want to be happy all the time.

I dont know how to tell him how serious an issue this is for me. How do we move forward from here?

I am a friend

helpat30 wrote: »

I do not think he is ready to move in together, and I don’t want to pressure him, but I’m getting the feeling that if we dont it will be the end of the relationship. Moving in together is a big move and will take both commitment and compromise from both of us, and I don’t feel like I’m getting either from him.

I think the last thing you should do is move in with him. He will definitely have you where he wants you then...

You want to move in with your OH for the right reasons not just because he wont make time for you and moving in is not the solution... If anything, rather than trying to get closer to him I personally would be making more of a life for myself away from him.

helpat30 wrote: »

I dont resent him going away on a lads break, but surely I deserve the same level of his time and effort.

OP this says an awful lot about his interest in the relationship... Given ye see so little of each other, he should want to be away with you for a weekend more than the lads. You deserve better.

helpat30 wrote: »

We sometimes meet on a wednesday night but its only to go for a quick bite to eat after he’s finished work at whatever time. Its then ‘good night’ and we both go home separately. It’s hurtful that he does not want to spend any more time with me. I’d like to have a more casual interaction where we could just chill out with eachother in the evening, watch a movie, and go to sleep together. He does not want this obviously, and is always using work or being tired as a excuse.

I know a couple who were like this and always thought it so odd. Is he not interested in having sex more than once a week?? TBH, a Saturday night appointment for sex would bore the head off me... Do he do the same position every week as well?? OP as I said above you need to start making a life for yourself and see if he wants to fit into that. I am really sorry but it looks as if this relationship is grand for him as long as it is on his terms. Is that good enough for you???

helpat30 wrote: »

I feel like I make all the effort, arrange my time around him. I stay in his at the weekends. He never stays or even suggests to stay in mine. I feel he has basically orchestrated to have me there when it suits him.

You do!! Why have you given up your life for the crumbs off his table?? Why are you arranging your time around him when he wont even stay in your place? Its time to grow a spine lady...

The positive is that you have only spent 3 years with him and not longer. Imagine how much use he would be if ye had kids???? Would you want a part time father for your kids?

helpat30 wrote: »

I’ve tried to talk to him, but always comes up with a way to end the conversation, or a comment to make it sound like its all ok.

Cos it suits him as it is and at the end of it all he doesnt really care if you are unahppy as you are playing along and available to him when he wants you.

helpat30 wrote: »

He gets uncomfortable discussing anything serious.

Really - bully for him. Time to grow up Mr.

helpat30 wrote: »

It would break my heart to end what we have.

What exactly do ye have???? Its like a long distance relationship without the distance... He is creating a distance so he can do what he wants...

I know a couple like you two and the same crack was happening mid-week as well. The girl lived on his terms. He never wanted her to move in or to make any formal arrangemnet for them. They met mid week in town and he went home and she stayed at his then all weekends. She got into rugby and american football cos he was and guess what happened 7 years later?? He dumped her cos basically he was never that into her but it suited him. Then when he met a more sparky girl her fell for her immediately and would have moved her in in a week..

helpat30 wrote: »

I dont know how to tell him how serious an issue this is for me. How do we move forward from here?

You get a life!!! Stop being at his beck and call. Grow a pair and get a life for yourself. If he decides he wants to join your life then good but if not, it just says it all doesnt it???? Good luck op.

ElleEm

helpat30 wrote: »

OP here. Firstly thanks for the replys. It is not easy to post personal problems and have your worst fears somehow acknowledged and justified by independent observers. I appreciate the input.
I cannot sleep tonight thinking about it. I apologise if I’m rambling at this late hour.

I do not think he is ready to move in together, and I don’t want to pressure him, but I’m getting the feeling that if we dont it will be the end of the relationship. Moving in together is a big move and will take both commitment and compromise from both of us, and I don’t feel like I’m getting either from him.

Sometimes is upsetting when he prioritises himself over me. He recently was able to take a long weekend away for a stag party with one of his team mates. I suggested it would be nice to go away for a weekend and he made a big deal about it and his work commitments. I dont resent him going away on a lads break, but surely I deserve the same level of his time and effort.

I do get on very well with all his friends, we regularly attend team nights out and I know them all very well. I also get on and know all his family. Socially our lives are very connected and I dont feel excluded in any way from that part of his life. If you were to ask any one of our mutual friends they think we are the perfect couple, and are always making remarks how we’ll be the next pair down the aisle. This could not be further from the reality of how we are together, and our totally separate lives.

We sometimes meet on a wednesday night but its only to go for a quick bite to eat after he’s finished work at whatever time. Its then ‘good night’ and we both go home separately. It’s hurtful that he does not want to spend any more time with me. I’d like to have a more casual interaction where we could just chill out with eachother in the evening, watch a movie, and go to sleep together. He does not want this obviously, and is always using work or being tired as a excuse.

I feel like I make all the effort, arrange my time around him. I stay in his at the weekends. He never stays or even suggests to stay in mine. I feel he has basically orchestrated to have me there when it suits him. God writing this all down I’m realising how bad it sounds, but I’m trying to be as honest as possible.

I’ve tried to talk to him, but always comes up with a way to end the conversation, or a comment to make it sound like its all ok. He gets uncomfortable discussing anything serious. Sometimes I wonder does he even realise how selfish he is being. Can he really think we have the perfect relationship and not realise its not normal.

I love him and he says he loves me. It would break my heart to end what we have. When we are together its so easy. But I'm not sure I can sacrifice my own happiness the rest of the time for it. I want to be happy all the time.

I dont know how to tell him how serious an issue this is for me. How do we move forward from here?

This is what needs to change. Get him to commit to the conversation, and don't let him brush it off.
Explain how you are feeling and tell him you NEED things to change. Ask him if he is willing to change and if he says "yes", get him to come up with solutions or ideas then and there that he can commit to from that moment onwards.

This has obviously come up before so this conversation will not be a shock to him. He is probably happy enough brushing you off every now and then and continuing with his "single" type life.

He is effectively living HIS life, with a weekly booty call without considering your relationship at all. I can't believe you stayed with him like this for so long.

ManOfMystery

OP,

I have a friend who was very like the guy in this situation. Was going out with a girl for a few years, but they didn't spend much time together. He also worked long hours and was into sports in his spare time. He's a great guy and a good friend, but I always thought it strange they they didn't see more of each other as they seemed to get on great. I never questioned it while they were going out though - none of my business.

Eventually they broke up (lack of commitment from him being the reason), and in the aftermath I went out with him a few times for the a beer or two, to try and cheer him up as he was a bit bothered about it. Not depressed or anything - just mildly annoyed I guess ....................... which says a lot.

During our chats at that time, he readily admitted they they didn't spend much time together. His reason being, that although he was very very fond of her and enjoyed being with her, he never really felt she was 'the one'. He didn't see marriage or anything else happening down the line, and thus he kept her at arms length. He had his work - which he enjoyed, his Saturdays doing sports or seeing the lads, and then the girl provided the female companionship and such for the rest of the weekend and the odd night here and there. Everything fitted neatly into nice little slots and his life was just as he wanted it. To have changed the routine or spent more time together as a couple would have meant some progression in the relationship, and that wasn't something he wanted deep down.

I don't know if your other half feels the same way about you as my friend did about his ex, but there are alarming similarities there in the situations. And I think deep down you probably realise that the lack of commitment could be a huge warning sign that the relationship isn't going anywhere.

It's your choice whether you are happy to put up with this for the foreseeable future, or if you would rather end things. The third option - that your partner might suddenly change his ways - isn't one I think would realistically happen.

In saying that ............................. if you told your partner the relationship wasn't working out for you and my suspicions were incorrect, then surely he would be prepared to take steps to save the relationship. I'm not suggesting you end things as a 'test' to see how he reacts - just saying that his reaction will tell you a lot.

LegacyUser

Maybe I am missing something OP but from what I read the only advice I have is to move on to something better - which I am certain you will find! It won't be easy at the start because you have invested a lot into this man. However, in years to come you will look back at this chapter of your life and say 'wow, that was a brave move and the best thing I ever did'.

My boyfriend works hard and often works late. HOWEVER, he stays over in my place on a midweek night and also a few nights at the weekend. He will often spend up to four nights in my place. Now some of those nights he will arrive as late as nine or half nine, but it still means we have a few hours together - and get to sleep together and wake up together which is an important part of many relationships. We are only going out a few months... (I am older than you, by the way. I think things move a bit quicker in relationships at my age!)

If a man is really into you he will readjust his life so he can see you as much as possible. There are ways and means of doing that and my boyfriend is an example of a man who makes an effort and reorganises his various work and life commitments so he can spend time with a woman he really likes. And I have been with plenty of time wasters so I know exactly what it is like to have a man not bothering at all!!

You know what you want from a man OP. And I know it is a scary prospect to break up with a partner. It is very unsettling and will take a while to get used to. But in the end of the day I figure you will be the winner in all this. Go for it!

LegacyUser

Op here again.
So we met up on Wednesday night. After reading all the replys here I
had a good idea what I wanted to say - so I just came out and told him
I needed more from him or I can't continue to be in a relationship
with him. once again he agreed and he said we'll sit down this weekend
and come up with a plan of how we move forward. I said we are going to
have to have made progress by summer time or I'll have to
seriously think about breaking up. He agreed with all of this.
I thought I making some progress. Then when we were leaving he said
he's actually going to Dublin this weekend for a stag of one of his
team mates. So I won't see him until Sunday night.
So I alone this weekend and at a loss as to where to go from here. I feel like he is not listening to anything I say! I think we are heading in the wrong direction.
ManofMystery - the story of your friend set alarm bells ringing for me. It's not even something I had thought about to be honest. He talks the talk of someone who is fully commitment. But as my mother advised me last week - talk is cheap. And it's really actions that speak volumes about how someone feels. I'm loosing hope that I will ever get what I want from this man. And yet I love him so very much even the thought of breaking up and not having him in my life is breaking my heart.

I am a friend

So is he over to you tonight to have the talk? If not, I would tell him to eff off in no uncertain terms. He is taking you for a mug girl.

ihsb

I understand that a stag do is something you should go to. But honestly? What should be more important? You or that? You should be.

I honestly don't think I would give him as long as to summer. Tell him that you give him a week to make a honest change. Otherwise you are off.

Neyite

Op, i think you are convenient for him - this level of commitment is convenient for him, and I think that he is happy "enough" with you, whilst waiting for Miss Right. You, it seems (and I'm sorry its gonna hurt because I know you love him) are Miss For Now.

You seem to have missed out on so much here - the early days where you are at it like rabbits and rush home giggling to get it on, the spontaniety of him turning up on your doorstep unplanned just because he wanted to hang out with you, the first holiday or weekend away that you share, the progression of becoming the most important person of each others lives.

I think he has postphoned (yet again) The Chat, because he does not want to move to the next level of commitment. If you dont meet to talk tonight, I'd be calling it a day if I were you.

LegacyUser

So sorry OP, but your post made me feel really sad. It's so clear that you love this man, but it sounds like everything in your relationship is on his terms. You deserve better than being in a relationship where you're just slotted into his life at his convenience. You even say that you love him, and 'he says he loves me'. After three years, you should be completely confident of how he feels about you.

I've been in relationships before where things haven't felt right. And I've known it, but I brushed over it because I used to tell myself that 'love isn't a fairytale story'... which it isn't, but having found the man I'm with now, I know that it feels right and there's no doubt in my mind about how he feels about me. He makes an effort to see me, even if he's out with his friends, he'll come to my house afterwards just so we can go to sleep together and wake up together. It sounds like there's a lot of doubt in yours. You deserve better! Don't throw your life away on someone who isn't 100% sure they want to be with you. It's YOUR life! I totally understand that you can't bear the thought of breaking up, but a relationship where you feel secure and wanted and loved is better than being in one where you have none of those things. Good luck OP, I really feel for you.

Smile it confuses people

Helpat30 wrote: »

Op here again.
So we met up on Wednesday night. After reading all the replys here I
had a good idea what I wanted to say - so I just came out and told him
I needed more from him or I can't continue to be in a relationship
with him. once again he agreed and he said we'll sit down this weekend
and come up with a plan of how we move forward. I said we are going to
have to have made progress by summer time or I'll have to
seriously think about breaking up. He agreed with all of this.
I thought I making some progress. Then when we were leaving he said
he's actually going to Dublin this weekend for a stag of one of his
team mates. So I won't see him until Sunday night.
So I alone this weekend and at a loss as to where to go from here. I feel like he is not listening to anything I say! I think we are heading in the wrong direction.
ManofMystery - the story of your friend set alarm bells ringing for me. It's not even something I had thought about to be honest. He talks the talk of someone who is fully commitment. But as my mother advised me last week - talk is cheap. And it's really actions that speak volumes about how someone feels. I'm loosing hope that I will ever get what I want from this man. And yet I love him so very much even the thought of breaking up and not having him in my life is breaking my heart.

Hey op so here's my story I wa with my man for 2 yEars at the start it was incredible we e treated me like a queen and I adore him after a while we decided to move out together (we both lived with parents and had no privacy) so we worked really hard in fixing up an old house so we could rent it really cheap...pretty soon after I noticed that I was moving down in his priorities things were done on his time so football work and rugby an the gym all came before me and I told him this he agreed but things never changed it ended up me sitting waiting on him when he lost his job he decided to go to oz for 6 mts to get some money together to pay off his debts and if he had to stay longer then 6 mys I'd follow him Out- didn't have the money to go over when he was and he would b living with his friends so no room for me really...I supported him completely and loved him so so much that I just couldn't wait to see him again he was genuinely sad leaving me and told everyone how him and me were for keeps and how much he loved me...but he stopped calling as much and after two weeks told me that he loved it didn't no web he would be home and that he didn't want to be in a relationship out tHere...that was 2 weeks ago and devistated is an understatement I loved him I still do so so much but I spent the. Whole time comprimising at the end of the day he left me and our dog to have to move into a tIny single room in my parents house and now I have to sit here with that while he is out doing whatever he wants with whoever he wants...I was destroyed but more at the fact of how little he cares once he got far enough away...if someone cares for u they will show u and they will do whatever they can to make it work I'd not then they will hurt u eventually and never look back

I do hope he cares op and I hope it works out cause I wouldn't wIsh this feeling in my worst enemy x

LegacyUser

OP Here.

I just thought I'd give a quick update of my situation given that you were all so very good to respond to me before.
So the situation is that my boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. I'm totally heartbroken.
I was just reading through this thread to remind myself of the problems we had as I think in the blur of the heartbreak I had forgotten that I was in fact not 100% happy with him.
I am annoyed with him as he just finished it and has not tried to resolve any problems we had. I had hoped our relationship was worth fighting for, clearly not in his mind.

I'm currently living in a blur. My work is suffering, my life in general is suffering as I'm neglecting myself and everyone and everything around me. I've never even thought is was possible to feel like this. I love and hate him in equal measure - and yet I miss him more than I can explain. I've heard of the term heartbreak before - But I literally feel like I am broken from the inside out. I feel I will never be happy again. How can someone be so cruel. If this is what loving someone feels like I never want to feel like this.

I have spent the last few weeks crying on the shoulders of what friends I have. I'm sure they are fed up of me. I keep being told to pull myself together and I'll get over it in time. I hate that I am allowing him to make me feel like this - while he just continues with his life as if nothing has happened.
After reading this old thread, and also feeling the hurt, I do not want to try to get back with him. But I do need to know how do I go about rebuilding my life? How do I get back to being the person I was. I feel he has robbed me of everything, including who I am, and just so he could keep himself entertained for a few years and then discard of me onto a rubbish heap.

dannyc31

sorry to hear about your breakup. just reading the posts it was clear this guy is a commitaphob so if it was'nt you it would of been another girl.

the thing that you need to realise is that he was nver your everything anyway. i could understand if he was acting like a commited boyfriend and telling you everything you wanted to hear but it was clear you were always playing second fiddle to his social life and work. pretty dam selfish on his part to do that to a girl for 3 years but you kinda let him get away with it.

you should take the next year or so to focus on you. ask yourself who you really are and what you want out of life. its only by really understanding yourself can you be sure what kinda partner do you want. make yourself the priority and be more assertive. and most of all if you ever feel like you are playing second fiddle to anyone again in the early stages, end things.

its not suppose to be easy to get over break-ups, its a healing process but this guy was never for you or any other girl for that matter because he's just not ready to make a serious commitment to a woman ahead of his hobbies, work or mates yet.

best of luck with everything.

smileyscientist

Heart goes out to you OP. I am maddened that he ended it on his terms so I can only imagine how you are feeling.. I know you are feeling like the lowest of the low right now and it feels like you will never be right again or be the person you once were but believe me when I say this- you will come back stronger than ever and will surprise yourself how well you will cope and move on and heal.. I'm not saying you will bounce back.. it may take weeks or it may take months but these feelings will pass..

You have just had a massive shock.. when this happened to me I gave myself a certain timeframe to grieve and wallow and generally feel c**p and the day that period had ended I make a huge effort to get on with my life.. it was the last thing I felt like doing but within a week or so I had taken up a new hobby and a new sport started going out again( where I knew I wouldn't bump into him!:o) In spite of myself I started to enjoy myself again.. I URGE you to do this.. it takes effort but you owe it to yourself. And I'm pretty certain he isn't sitting in every night!:rolleyes:

You say your friends are probably sick of hearing about it but that's what friends are for.. I'm sure they'd rather you talked about it instead of keeping it all locked up inside.. If not, you need to get yourself some new ones! And I'm sure the shoes been on the other foot on many occasions where they've broken up with OH's so its payback!:)


Lastly, one thing that is going to GREATLY accelerate the whole healing process, and is something you know yourself- he wasn't 100% right for you either. This will give you great comfort and in a few months you'll be thankful you didn't waste anymore of your time on him.. You'll see:D

Look after yourself x

Smile it confuses people

Helpat30 wrote: »

OP Here.

I just thought I'd give a quick update of my situation given that you were all so very good to respond to me before.
So the situation is that my boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. I'm totally heartbroken.
I was just reading through this thread to remind myself of the problems we had as I think in the blur of the heartbreak I had forgotten that I was in fact not 100% happy with him.
I am annoyed with him as he just finished it and has not tried to resolve any problems we had. I had hoped our relationship was worth fighting for, clearly not in his mind.

I'm currently living in a blur. My work is suffering, my life in general is suffering as I'm neglecting myself and everyone and everything around me. I've never even thought is was possible to feel like this. I love and hate him in equal measure - and yet I miss him more than I can explain. I've heard of the term heartbreak before - But I literally feel like I am broken from the inside out. I feel I will never be happy again. How can someone be so cruel. If this is what loving someone feels like I never want to feel like this.

I have spent the last few weeks crying on the shoulders of what friends I have. I'm sure they are fed up of me. I keep being told to pull myself together and I'll get over it in time. I hate that I am allowing him to make me feel like this - while he just continues with his life as if nothing has happened.
After reading this old thread, and also feeling the hurt, I do not want to try to get back with him. But I do need to know how do I go about rebuilding my life? How do I get back to being the person I was. I feel he has robbed me of everything, including who I am, and just so he could keep himself entertained for a few years and then discard of me onto a rubbish heap.

Hey op it's me again (the dumpee from above) I know how u feel exactly as u saw my story above but now for some reassurance-

I was a complete mess no confidence no friends was a size 14 and just a mess!

Then one day soon after that message I went for a walk in a park in the rain (it was empty n I felt I needed to escape) as I was walking listening to music all the Hurt flooded in and I began to run crying my eyes out trying to get away, then ,when I was so so out of breath I stopped n I felt better a little clearer "yeah I'm alone now but I have a complete fresh start" - I realised I could go no lower-

anyways I started walking and eating healthy (I couldn't eat after the break up) I went to a psychick who really helped me realise I will be ok even thiugh she got nothing else right, then before I knew it I had dropped a dress size I got in touch with 2 distant friends met and chatted (not about him) then made it a regular thing then bit by bit I got to be a new me!

I'm now 2 stone lighter a ball of confidence have a few very good friends AND to my shock he got in touch 1 day to say the not missing me thing was all an act that all the pics of him out were the worst night ever n he realises he lost someone amazing..a few weeks later after talking n starting afresh I received a plane ticket to meet him in oz so I'm off in 5 weeks to be with my now once again boyfriend-

he wants it to work more then ever cause I realised the person I am n wat I learned was always keep 10% of ur heart back n don't loose who u are iv gone from dull overweight dumped brunette bottom of his list to fiery size 10 confident red head who he wants to be with no matter what -

The break up was the best thing in the world for me it hurt like hell but showed me that i can pick myself up n start again from anything! but only u can get yourself over it - take the pain ur feeling now n think you WILL get thru that so it shows just how strong u really are!!!

It may not seem like it now but our stories are similar..

1 thing defo don't do is get drunk or be with lots of other people I kept my dignity throughout and have gained so much respect for it m so will u....plus drink makes u miss him more :,(

I hope this passes quickly for u n above all I hope that u will be a whole new shiney better version of u that makes u see u can get through anything

Good luck hun n remember now u can be whoever u want to be u just gotta figure out u first of all...fake it till ya make it Hun!xxx