absolutely alone

Usiququmadevu

I would like to tell you something... just recently I have realised that I am absolutely alone here. Of course I have a family (caring husband and good kids) but no friends. My mobile phone newer rings, no one came to visit me. Before I was so busy with the kids and home, and I did not need any friends (did not need to waste my time, I thought), Now I need someone, but nobody knows about it. I always say Hi here and there and I always friendly smile in the schoolyard and our cul de sac, but people around me (they know me for many years) firmly sure that I am OK (in the terms of friends and evrithing in my life), because it look so and newer come closer to me.
I do not know, what I expect from you, I just really needed to share. Tanks.

Ickle Magoo

Hey there, this is the forum for issues of a personal nature OP - hopefully you'll get some good advice here...

Moved from tLL...

All the very best. :cool:

ash23

All you can do is try to make friends. Rather than just saying "hi", stop and chat. Invite them over for a coffee. If you're in the park with the kids, get chatting to other mothers. Or at the school gates.

Take a class or join a group. Kids are a great way of getting to know other people.

But the key is, you get out of friendships what you put into them. You have to make the effort or else people will drift out of your life.

I've lost a few friends who are "busy" with their husbands and kids and the friendship becomes a one way street so I give up. People will make allowances for a while (after a new baby for eg) but only for a while.

If you do make friends, just be aware that it will take effort and time.

Usiququmadevu

Oh, I do chat with people from school and we always spend a good time talking about the kids, but how to invite them for coffee and so? They would not understand, I think they think that I have my own circle of friends. To be honest, they are to posh for me... I am a stranger for them. Do not get me wrong, they are nice and friendly, they never leave me alone when I am around, but no more than that. I joined the gym but there wasn't any group to be with, they just finish they exercises and go home. It is easy when a young girl looking for a new friends, in certain age it might be nearly impossible...

Ickle Magoo

I don't think writing yourself off as not being posh enough or a stranger not worth knowing is going to help your cause.

I don't think age particularly makes it harder - if anything I've found being a bit older actually makes making friends a bit easier - people seem to be less cliquey...but it's very much still a case of puting yourself out-there unless you happen to luck-out and fall-in with someone prepared to take you under their wing.

I'd advise you do the same as anyone looking to make new friends - check the local newspaper listings, supermarket classifieds and the internet to see what's on in your area that appeals to you and head along...likewise if you are chatting to people at the school gates then initiate a coffee morning or night out. Keep at it and eventually you'll make a network of friends.

It may even be the case that people assume you aren't interested in doing these things because you don't enquire after or suggest them? Either way, it takes a bit of leg work and patience.

All the best! :cool:

ash23

It's really as straightforward as saying "oh you should pop over with the kids for coffee sometime".
Sometimes you just have to be ballsy and put yourself out there.
I don't think gyms are very sociable places to be honest as people are focussed on what they are doing. I more meant something like a bookclub or a cookery course. Somewhere you have to interact with other people.

I've never found it so easy to meet friends since I had a child, especially since she started school. There are so many opportunities to make friends. Sitting at swimming lessons and striking up a conversation. When they are attending birthday parties you get the phone numbers of other parents. Then at some stage you just send a text asking them if their child wants to come along to the cinema or to come over and play.
When the parent comes to collect the child you ask them in for a coffee.

There are loads of women out there who feel friends are lacking and who are only too glad to meet new friends but someone has to be the one to initiate it.

edellc

have you tried a book club or a walking group or volunteer within your community....i dont think it makes a difference if your young or old regarding making new friends, its about your confidence and how you approach situations....I understand however where your coming from, I have lost my job and am mother to a toddler and moved to a new area, I have no friends as such in my immediate area, and although it suits me at the minute I worry about when my little one starts school, I just presume I will find employment then but that may not be the case.

OP look at what is available in the immediate area, most people dont hang around in the gym once the work out is done, but something like a book club or getting involved in the local community centre may help you, also is there anyway you could do a part time college course even in the evening??

Usiququmadevu

I have not expected such a lovely supportive approach, thanks a lot... Yes, about declaring myself "notposhenough" and "stranger"- I am telling it to you just to get clear picture... Ooh, when I am with them, I look very confident and etc. I would love to invite some moms over, but I am afraid I never get a guts for it... They probably say yes, but... (they would think- what happened to her after so many years???) Oh, no... I will probably search for a walking group (good for helth, ah?) or something like that...

I am a friend

Try not to over think it... Maybe some of these other women with perfect lives could do with a friend too

Taltos

You could always drop in to the conversation - "anyone fancy a coffee down at the local cafe? Missed my morning coffee so could kill for some caffeine"..

Usiququmadevu

Taltos wrote: »

You could always drop in to the conversation - "anyone fancy a coffee down at the local cafe? Missed my morning coffee so could kill for some caffeine"..

I can imagine how they are raising eyebrows,and after a moment of a silence looking at me and politely saying - of course, dear, next time ...
Oh, no, it make me scared. You know, people should mixed up with your kind of people. It took me years to understand.

ABajaninCork

Oh, OP I get how you feel. I'm new (ish) to this country having moved here when I got married. Thought it might be fairly easy to make friends through work. But that didn't happen. (Not having a job doesn't help much! ).

I do have one friend who is the soon-to-be wife of one of my husband's friends. Another is a young man I met when doing a short-term contract. But I don't see them very much. Most of my friends are from back home who I see when returning or a couple who visit.

It's tough going, but I refuse to give up! Where do you live? Maybe we could hook up for coffee??

noah45

I think it is very hard to make friends, I am always afraid to talk to people, and would be afraid of rejection if I were to ask anyone for coffee.

I am always afraid of getting too close to people in case they won't like me, I suppose its a defence mechanism but it leaves me very lonley.

So many times I wish i had a good friend like what you see in so many programs etc.

collegeme

great advice given here..i think in might use some of it myself;)

Usiququmadevu

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Oh, OP I get how you feel. I'm new (ish) to this country having moved here when I got married. Thought it might be fairly easy to make friends through work. But that didn't happen. (Not having a job doesn't help much! ).

I do have one friend who is the soon-to-be wife of one of my husband's friends. Another is a young man I met when doing a short-term contract. But I don't see them very much. Most of my friends are from back home who I see when returning or a couple who visit.

It's tough going, but I refuse to give up! Where do you live? Maybe we could hook up for coffee??

Would be nice... Are you in Cork? Too far to travel...I am in Dublin

dixiefly

You could start to get involved in Parent's Association or help with clubs / societies that your kids are involved in. There you will start to get to know new people that are at a similar stage in life and you will be meeting up as events are organisedn etc.

Usiququmadevu

dixiefly wrote: »

You could start to get involved in Parent's Association or help with clubs / societies that your kids are involved in. There you will start to get to know new people that are at a similar stage in life and you will be meeting up as events are organisedn etc.

Parents Association or other activities is good, but too late for me... kids are finishing school (it is, actually, the reason for me to start a "new" life ).

penpusher

I used to go walking with An Oige on Sunday's - lots of people just come on their own and you just start chatting, and then go for pint in the Palace. Look up the An Oige site...or try meetup.com - an ex is getting lots out of the Dublin group

LegacyUser

Usiququmadevu wrote: »

I would like to tell you something... just recently I have realised that I am absolutely alone here. Of course I have a family (caring husband and good kids) but no friends. My mobile phone newer rings, no one came to visit me. Before I was so busy with the kids and home, and I did not need any friends (did not need to waste my time, I thought), Now I need someone, but nobody knows about it. I always say Hi here and there and I always friendly smile in the schoolyard and our cul de sac, but people around me (they know me for many years) firmly sure that I am OK (in the terms of friends and evrithing in my life), because it look so and newer come closer to me.
I do not know, what I expect from you, I just really needed to share. Tanks.

Well first of all, you are very blessed to have a good husband and children. I am 32, single I don't have any children and It's like im starting my life now since the past few years by going back to college because since my early 20s I was sick.

I am sorry you are feeling alone but I think the way to get a friend is be a friend to others. Everyone needs friends, people that genuinely care. What about volunteering? you will meet many people and you will meet people whose situations are very lonely and hard, there are older people, people with mental health problems and asylum seekers I have met who do not have one person to talk to other than a helpline, a good few of them live alone and are marginalised. Maybe your experience of loneliness can help to understand their situation. Maybe it will help you to appreciate what you have because in the grander scale of things you do have alot. Your experience of feeling alone can be valuable to others far worse. You may feel alone but but the fact is you are not absolutely alone. There is many people in the world who are absolutely alone.

Usiququmadevu

penpusher wrote: »

I used to go walking with An Oige on Sunday's - lots of people just come on their own and you just start chatting, and then go for pint in the Palace. Look up the An Oige site...or try meetup.com - an ex is getting lots out of the Dublin group

Good advice... will try, thanks!

Usiququmadevu

purpletree78 wrote: »

Well first of all, you are very blessed to have a good husband and children. I am 32, single I don't have any children and It's like im starting my life now since the past few years by going back to college because since my early 20s I was sick.

I am sorry you are feeling alone but I think the way to get a friend is be a friend to others. Everyone needs friends, people that genuinely care. What about volunteering? you will meet many people and you will meet people whose situations are very lonely and hard, there are older people, people with mental health problems and asylum seekers I have met who do not have one person to talk to other than a helpline, a good few of them live alone and are marginalised. Maybe your experience of loneliness can help to understand their situation. Maybe it will help you to appreciate what you have because in the grander scale of things you do have alot. Your experience of feeling alone can be valuable to others far worse. You may feel alone but but the fact is you are not absolutely alone. There is many people in the world who are absolutely alone.

You know, sometimes I get involved too much. Remember, years ago I have been working in translating for asylum seekers and ended up helping them privately, even advising them how to answer some questions... went bad, was kicked out for incompetence. My husband would not let me go near people with problems, because I might create some problem for the family and myself. Maybe he is right. He feels so comfortable in his life and does not want to hear or witness somebody's problems. In anyway, I feel a little bit of a relief by talking to you, people.

Procrastastudy

Book club, night course, sailing, dog walking, internet friend site, swingers club.

The list is endless - the only issue you have is a lack of confidence. I'm similar - people who deal with me in day-to-day life think I'm if any thing over bearing - but actually I can be quite shy.

It's a numbers game 90% of the people you meet will maybe have a coffee and not bother again, 5% will get back to you as a tit for tat, 2% might go on to become good friends and 2% will be a-holes. Just dont force it - I'm frequently amazed by the fact that no only is there someone for everyone theres also lots of friends for everyone too

EDIT: Your husband sounds like a bit of a tool!

Usiququmadevu

GCDLawstudent wrote: »

Book club, night course, sailing, dog walking, internet friend site, swingers club.

The list is endless - the only issue you have is a lack of confidence. I'm similar - people who deal with me in day-to-day life think I'm if any thing over bearing - but actually I can be quite shy.

It's a numbers game 90% of the people you meet will maybe have a coffee and not bother again, 5% will get back to you as a tit for tat, 2% might go on to become good friends and 2% will be a-holes. Just dont force it - I'm frequently amazed by the fact that no only is there someone for everyone theres also lots of friends for everyone too

EDIT: Your husband sounds like a bit of a tool!

A tool? Oh, I would not... you know, many of women follow advice of their husband, but never admit that. I do.


It is wonderful when you have a people dealing with you in day-to-day... You have a choice!

Procrastastudy

Support and advice is one thing dictation is another. I have no idea which is happening only you do. If its the former then fair enough - the latter makes him a tool

As for people dealing with me day-to-day thats only because I'm in that position hence why I say, regarless of anything else, get yourself out there!

Best of luck.

edellc

Usiququmadevu wrote: »

A tool? Oh, I would not... you know, many of women follow advice of their husband, but never admit that. I do.


It is wonderful when you have a people dealing with you in day-to-day... You have a choice!

Sorry but you also have a choice, everyone does

You can choose to listen to you husband and take his advice OR not

You can choose to get involved in a local activity OR not

You can choose to talk to the parents at the school gate OR not

You can choose to get out there and make new friends OR not

You are in control of your own life, You have the choice

If you want to blame others so be it and yes they can be contributing factors but it is ultimately you who whether you are aware of it or not that allows others to influence your life

LegacyUser

Usiququmadevu wrote: »

You know, sometimes I get involved too much. Remember, years ago I have been working in translating for asylum seekers and ended up helping them privately, even advising them how to answer some questions... went bad, was kicked out for incompetence. My husband would not let me go near people with problems, because I might create some problem for the family and myself. Maybe he is right. He feels so comfortable in his life and does not want to hear or witness somebody's problems. In anyway, I feel a little bit of a relief by talking to you, people.

You said you are absolutely alone but if you have worked with asylum seekers and homeless people you would be ablt to see the extend of aloneness.

You actually have alot. Do you know what it's like to be alone especially at family times such as christmas and in poverty plenty people do because that is the circumstances of their situation. I saw a heavily pregnant homeless woman begging today this was in south city dublin, not one person asked her does she want food, my boyfriend got her tea and they are all staring at him. Nothing does surprises me how hard hearted people are.

Your husband seems selfish, cold and hard hearted. If he had a problem wouldn't he want someone who listens to him and understand his problems?

bugsntinas

i know how the op feels.it's a terrible thing feeling alone even when there are people around.i too feel the same we moved back home about 7 years ago.i'm married with 2 lovely boys who drive me mad sometimes.,i too have no friends,family are in uk,the wife depresses me with her problems.unlike the op i'm not know in the town/village as we are the outsiders and it's just very lonely and getting depressng just recently.

Ickle Magoo

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