Virgin in my mid twenties.

subscriber

Hi all, as the title says i'm in my mid twenties (male) and still a virgin. I've always been too nervous to have sex. I experimented loads in my early teens and was popular with girls but never managed to loose it. I was always confident chatting to women and kissing ect.. but when i was about 15, I was kissing a girl and she asked me to have sex with her, and I got extremely nervous and refused. She then laughed and was quiet amused that I was not interested in having sex with her. She then proceeded to tell her friends and they had a right laugh at me for not going ahead and doing the deed. To be honest, at the time I did not feel ready to loose it. On reflection, I feel I was quiet traumatised by this experience and this led to me loosing my confidence with women. I stayed away from kissing girls for about 5 years after that for fear they would want me to have sex with them, which I know I would have been to nervous to follow through with. This progressed onwards and became indented into my personality and I just learned to live with it. Being a long term virgin, became part of me.

I'm at the point now where I have regained some confidence and have kissed a few girls on nights out again but that is as far as it has gone. If I feel it is leading to sex, I make my excuses and I am out of there immediately. There is other problems associated with this like my family have once asked if I was gay because I never bring women home which I was very upset about. I have nothing against gay people but I was upset that my family and some of my friends taught that I might be homosexual as it's not the case. I would prefer to meet a partner that I can trust as opposed to casual sex.

As I do have a strong sex drive like anyone else, other problems associated with this are excessive masturbation, sometimes twice daily, and at least once every day, and persistent fantasizing that can cause me to to be distracted most of the day. I think the reason for this is I have no intimacy with anyone which is not normal. The most physical contact I have with anyone is when I shake someone's hand, and I urge for more. I think if I was to have sex, my sexual urges would be less.

Why am I afraid to have sex??

Many reasons. I won't know what i am doing for a start, yes i understand how sex works, but I feel I would be very clumsy and awkward and would struggle to make intercourse go smoothly. I also do feel that I have a below average penis size as I have been in changing rooms at gyms, toilets, ect and I see other men have a bigger penis size than me. It is the age old question, of weather penis size really matters? I am terrified I wont be able to get an erection as well, and if I do that I might premature ejaculate, and that the girl will be more experienced than me and she well be able to tell my inexperience and possibly that I am a virgin. I am also afraid the condom will fall off and I wont be able to have sex successfully.

I have considered visiting a prostitute but would also be too nervous.

So really I am wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how I can overcome my fear of sex? How big of a deal is it doing it for your first time? Will it hurt for a man to have sex for the first time?

Has anyone else gone through anything similar and has been afraid to loose their virginity??

Thanks for reading, and thanks for any comments.

Thoie

It's a cliché, but when you find the right person, it will all just happen naturally, and it will be something you'll have discussed in advance. Don't feel pressurised into having sex with strange women the first time you meet them.

If you're kissing a girl that you like, instead of just running away, run away, but get her number Go on a few dates, get to know the person, and see how you feel then.

Sex probably will be a bit clumsy and awkward initially - whether you're a virgin or not, sex with a particular person for the first time can often be a bit clumsy, as everyone's body is different. Sex is never going to be like it is in the movies - they never seem to cover things like "now my arm's gone dead" or "I'm getting a cramp in my foot"!

LegacyUser

subscriber wrote: »

Hi all, as the title says i'm in my mid twenties (male) and still a virgin. I've always been too nervous to have sex. I experimented loads in my early teens and was popular with girls but never managed to loose it. I was always confident chatting to women and kissing ect.. but when i was about 15, I was kissing a girl and she asked me to have sex with her, and I got extremely nervous and refused. She then laughed and was quiet amused that I was not interested in having sex with her. She then proceeded to tell her friends and they had a right laugh at me for not going ahead and doing the deed. To be honest, at the time I did not feel ready to loose it. On reflection, I feel I was quiet traumatised by this experience and this led to me loosing my confidence with women. I stayed away from kissing girls for about 5 years after that for fear they would want me to have sex with them, which I know I would have been to nervous to follow through with. This progressed onwards and became indented into my personality and I just learned to live with it. Being a long term virgin, became part of me.

I'm at the point now where I have regained some confidence and have kissed a few girls on nights out again but that is as far as it has gone. If I feel it is leading to sex, I make my excuses and I am out of there immediately. There is other problems associated with this like my family have once asked if I was gay because I never bring women home which I was very upset about. I have nothing against gay people but I was upset that my family and some of my friends taught that I might be homosexual as it's not the case. I would prefer to meet a partner that I can trust as opposed to casual sex.

As I do have a strong sex drive like anyone else, other problems associated with this are excessive masturbation, sometimes twice daily, and at least once every day, and persistent fantasizing that can cause me to to be distracted most of the day. I think the reason for this is I have no intimacy with anyone which is not normal. The most physical contact I have with anyone is when I shake someone's hand, and I urge for more. I think if I was to have sex, my sexual urges would be less.

Why am I afraid to have sex??

Many reasons. I won't know what i am doing for a start, yes i understand how sex works, but I feel I would be very clumsy and awkward and would struggle to make intercourse go smoothly. I also do feel that I have a below average penis size as I have been in changing rooms at gyms, toilets, ect and I see other men have a bigger penis size than me. It is the age old question, of weather penis size really matters? I am terrified I wont be able to get an erection as well, and if I do that I might premature ejaculate, and that the girl will be more experienced than me and she well be able to tell my inexperience and possibly that I am a virgin. I am also afraid the condom will fall off and I wont be able to have sex successfully.

I have considered visiting a prostitute but would also be too nervous.

So really I am wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how I can overcome my fear of sex? How big of a deal is it doing it for your first time? Will it hurt for a man to have sex for the first time?

Has anyone else gone through anything similar and has been afraid to loose their virginity??

Thanks for reading, and thanks for any comments.

Hi

I'm a girl whose in my mid twenties and still a virgin. When I was younger I always chicekn out when it came to having sex, I fooled around with a good few guys but never went the whole way! Now I am afraid I've left it too late, but then I think if some that would bother a guy then he's not worth it! You should try and think like that if it bother a girl she not worth it!
Plus don't forget OP there's loads of people for different reasons are still virgins in there twenties even thirties..

You seem to be over thinking sex a lot, yes its a big deal but just try to block those negative thoughts! The only way your going to learn is by doing and everyone is clumsy at first.. Even if you were to see a prostitute it's not going to make you great at having sex, when you meet the right girl these fears will still come back!

If you leave your fears control your life then you will stay a virgin, the next time you meet a girl, ask for her number, text her flirt see how it goes.. If she's decent then she wont care your a virgin, ye can have fun figuring everything out together

saa

I knew a few people who didnt lose it in their teens, I didn't like most I knew, never got into the party scene in college or met someone special that was fine and then found them selves in a routine working and met friends but never anything else and partly because by this time so much anxiety had built up about it. between the ages of 23-28 these guys all met a girl without looking and had a serious relationship, they just werent ones for casual sex, and tbh a lot of people arent into that so youre not missing much its messy.

I'm not sure I have an answer because the more you think about this, do something about this the harder it could become, you know like a woman of a certain age desperately looking for a man to marry will usually find it harder as people can sense their want, of course it will happen eventually but if the fear is the issue as opposed to meeting the right person you may need to talk to a professional therapist not that theres anything wrong with you it just not something you can talk out with your mates or sort out yourself in some situations if it is a fear that is on your mind a lot of the time

subscriber

If i do decide to discuss this with a professional, would it be a psychologist or counsellor or psychiatrist that I would need to speak with?? Is there any difference between these professionals and who would be most appropriate to talk with? Is there such thing as sex therapist's or do they come in the form of one of these people?

Thoie

I'd start by talking to your GP, as he'd be in the best position to recommend what type of person to talk to. I think (but am not sure) that it would probably be a psychologist or counsellor. Psychiatrists are the ones that can prescribe medication, iirc.

You could pop into your GP for a general checkup, and mention it in passing that it's bothering you, and ask if he could recommend anyone?

Piliger

subscriber - I have been where you are.

A couple of things.

• Firstly there are WAY more people who don't have sex until their twenties that ever ever admit it. You are in very good company. Please remember that.
• Secondly your anxiety is being driven by a bad experience. When we have a bad experience at the same time as any sexual experience it bloody hurts! and stays with us a long time. Don't feel unusual. It's hard recovering! and dealing with all the sh1t that we have to deal with between 15 and 25.
• But I think you are doing well. You are still socialising and canoodling with girls. That is a great sign imho!
• Please remember that girls of your age are VERY different to girls of 15. Give girls credit.
  
  My advice to you is to keep socialising as you are. But when you are in the moment where some sexual activity is looking likely, take is really slow and don't be afraid to talk to the girl. Yes, I know the 15yo turned out to be a monumental b1tch, but trust me ... the vast majority of girls are really good and sweet and supportive of guys. I know it's hard to trust again, but you have to give them a second chance :rolleyes: hey they can't all be bad :P
  
  You are 25 or so now ... you are WAY better at seeing if the girl is a big blabber and only with you for the crack. Stay away from those kind no matter what kind of bod she is stacked with. You are a different guy now and much better at sussing that out.
  
  Remember also that generally girls like things to move slow. Don't listen to the knockabout stories they toss around in the pubs and clubs about fast sex and banging against the wall in the lane and all that crap. Most girls like slow and soft and nice.