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Kofi Annann of arguements ......

  • 15-04-2012 7:09pm
    #1
    boxoff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 178 ✭✭


    Hey Guys,

    Just a quick opinion here would be great. Going out with my boyf 2years, baby on the way.

    Lately over like the past year or so, we have had our arguements like any other couple. However I feel as if I am always the 'solver' in coaxing my boyf into talking about the issue, discussing what comprise we could make, discussing apologies and that. I just feel as if I am always the one who makes an effort to put things right after an arguement. My boyf can be stubborn during arguements . His father is not violent or abusive or anything but has on numberous occcasion spoken to his wife in well 'not very nice' tone and manner while in my company. I just fear that it will always be this way and that I will always be the Kofi Annann of the situation always.

    I dont want to cause an arguement but in the past I have found that talking about this after an arguement just is not the right time.

    Any advise guys? I do love him and he does treat me like a queen but just as every couple argues, this is kinda getting me bit upset


Comments

  • #2
    Wompa1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,193 ✭✭✭Wompa1


    boxoff wrote: »
    Hey Guys,

    Just a quick opinion here would be great. Going out with my boyf 2years, baby on the way.

    Lately over like the past year or so, we have had our arguements like any other couple. However I feel as if I am always the 'solver' in coaxing my boyf into talking about the issue, discussing what comprise we could make, discussing apologies and that. I just feel as if I am always the one who makes an effort to put things right after an arguement. My boyf can be stubborn during arguements . His father is not violent or abusive or anything but has on numberous occcasion spoken to his wife in well 'not very nice' tone and manner while in my company. I just fear that it will always be this way and that I will always be the Kofi Annann of the situation always.

    I dont want to cause an arguement but in the past I have found that talking about this after an arguement just is not the right time.

    Any advise guys? I do love him and he does treat me like a queen but just as every couple argues, this is kinda getting me bit upset

    Not sure why what his father treats his mother is relevant. He is not his father. If it bothers you then talk to him. I'd guess it's just how he is and would be unlikely to change. I'd also guess if you waited long enough without broaching a resolution to an argument and things were made uncomfortable for him, then he'd crack and say something. Maybe give him a chance to try and resolve the next one.


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Well some people learn how to argue from their parents and this is why she may have brought it up in her OP.

    Some people have a hard time communicating or dissolving arguments. I dated someone like that in the past. It was me that was doing the apologising and coaxing. You know what I did? I apologised and compromised when it was actually my fault or my issue. I stopped apologising and making solutions for his issues and faults (I don't like this word but can't think of another one). Stop doing it and let him try for himself! Arguments are bound to happen in any realtionship whether the relationship is rock solid and happy or miserable and on shaky ground. The thing is how people argue is the main issue. Maybe try to stop your role at being the negotiator and apologiser (unless it is clearly your fault and issue) and extend that opportunity to him. He probably doesn't feel like he has to because you are the one doing it all the time and for him.

    As regarding to his father, my main concern would be if he argues with you in the same fashion. If your bf is verbally aggressive and does the name calling game during an argument would be a bigger issue and concern than not being a good negotiator. Some people have different characteristical traits. My ex was the conflict avoider and bottled things inside. I was the one that was assertive and opened up and not afraid to admit my faults. What did that mean to us and our relationship? We were not compatible in the communication department and unfortunately had to go our seperate ways. Communication makes or breaks a relationship.

    Encourage him to speak up more and give him some time. He is not going change this behaviour and learn all of this overnight.


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