Extreme silent treatment

LegacyUser

First time poster in need of advice.Myself and my partner have been together over 12 years and have faced a great deal of problems together.Last week we had a fight as I felt he was not really paying me any attention or showing me any affection. I have to add that I am seriously ill at the moment and awaiting a transplant. Long story short...he more or less dismissed my concerns and really upset me. I told him I loved him but that i needed some space. I went to stay with a friend for the night. I texted him the next day and asked if we could talk when I got home..no reply.
When i did come home, the first thing I did was give him a big hug...he didn't ignore me but he didn't respond either. I tried to get him to talk but it turns out he was really pissed off at me going off to my friends. Explained that I am really vunerable at the moment and just needed some extra reassurance. No hug, no I love you, no nothing. I went to bed in tears and he didn't follow. About 3 hours later, he came into the room and looked for a fiver. I did get cross with him but I gave him the fiver. That was on Thursday and he didn't speak to me, come near me or sleep in the bed since. At 5.30 today, I finally had enough and again went and gave him a hug. No response. I tried to talk to him, asked him what was wrong and he just wouldn't engage. He told me he didn't want to speak to me and wasn't sure he wanted to stay with me. My heart is broken. I gave up an awful lot to be with this man., moved over 100 miles away from my family and now if he goes, what will I do? Secondly, he has managed to turn the whole situation around to be about him and my original concerns have got lost somewhere.
Any advice??

OldNotWIse

How are things now op? I'm not being nosey but hope you're ok. I 'm not sure if I can offer any advice (my own relationship is a bit of a shambles tbh) Has he opened up at all yet? Perhaps he is worried about the upcoming surgery and doesn't know how to express that (I'm not giving him an out for unacceptable behaviour) Has he talked to you in the past about any concerns he might have? I hope things are working out for you.

squonk

Hi OP! Sorry to hear about all you're going through. Look, stop faffing around with this manchild. Seriously, it's OK to be pissed off and do a bit of the silent treatment. It happens us all from time to time but to continue on in the way he has is inexcusable.

Basically now you've to hang around until he either decides he's staying or going and it's like waiting around for a new Pope in that you won't know til he either packs his bags or decides to engage again.

The fact that you were feeling neglected enough to fight about it obviously shows that your bf didn't just think about how he feels about you the day of the fight. It's been going on for some while. The sensible, and less cruel thing to do would be for him to go to a friend for a day or two to sort himself out and then to come back and discuss. The fact that you did that yourself should have given him the space he needed too and he should have been prepared for at least some sort of a discussion on your return.

OP, it sounds like you've enough problems to deal with right now as is. Dump this loser and get back to your family where you will get plenty of support and care. Seriously, even if it was a friend of mine who was ill, I'd doubt they could accuse me of neglecting them if the responsibility came down to me. He's your OH, or is supposed to be and you shouldn't feel neglected. 100 miles isn't all that much and perhaps you've got siblings or friends who will only be too happy to step in and help you move. Don't let this idiot dictate your relationship to you. Stand up for yourself and kick him to touch. It's all he deserves.

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

First time poster in need of advice.Myself and my partner have been together over 12 years and have faced a great deal of problems together.Last week we had a fight as I felt he was not really paying me any attention or showing me any affection. I have to add that I am seriously ill at the moment and awaiting a transplant. Long story short...he more or less dismissed my concerns and really upset me. I told him I loved him but that i needed some space. I went to stay with a friend for the night. I texted him the next day and asked if we could talk when I got home..no reply.
When i did come home, the first thing I did was give him a big hug...he didn't ignore me but he didn't respond either. I tried to get him to talk but it turns out he was really pissed off at me going off to my friends. Explained that I am really vunerable at the moment and just needed some extra reassurance. No hug, no I love you, no nothing. I went to bed in tears and he didn't follow. About 3 hours later, he came into the room and looked for a fiver. I did get cross with him but I gave him the fiver. That was on Thursday and he didn't speak to me, come near me or sleep in the bed since. At 5.30 today, I finally had enough and again went and gave him a hug. No response. I tried to talk to him, asked him what was wrong and he just wouldn't engage. He told me he didn't want to speak to me and wasn't sure he wanted to stay with me. My heart is broken. I gave up an awful lot to be with this man., moved over 100 miles away from my family and now if he goes, what will I do? Secondly, he has managed to turn the whole situation around to be about him and my original concerns have got lost somewhere.Any advice??

Op I am sorry for what you are going through and it sounds like you are having a tough time. As regards to your OH you simply stated in your post you wanted time off. By no means this warrants a silent treatment and to this extreme is worrisome. Is this how your OH generally behaves during conflicts? Some people take things literally. Some people are not very good at communicating feelings and would rather dismiss, ignore, and be silent than admit, confront and talk about it. When people ask to talk about things (you) to a distancer/conflict avoider (perhaps your OH) tends to freeze up. I have the feeling (correct me if I am wrong) that your behaviour, reactions and the way you communicate are not helping the situation either and you are sending mixed messages, imo. We all go through a rough time and have obstacles and say things we really do not mean. But imagine how he felt when you told him he was not paying enough attention to you to then you tell him you need a break? Then go to a friend's for the night and text the next day? Did he know you were at your friend's place at all? I am going by what you wrote in your thread. Please do not take what I am writing on here the wrong way. I want you to look at all angles as to what is going on.

His silent treatment is unacceptable and not the best way to handle conflicts and further complicates matters. Possible miscommunicating regardless of the circumstances is not going to help matters more either. Both of you do need to have a heart to heart conversation and see how you both can improve the lines of communication.

On another note, has your OH accompanied you to any of these medical appointments? Maybe they can help him to learn and cope with the stresses of transplant surgery. Your OH needs the opportunity to vent as well about this. Transplant surgery is a family affair. There is a lot of preparation that can be stressful as there is pre and post operative care involved. He is most likely under pressure. I am assuming he is the sole provider at this point because you are not able to work and on top of it he will have to be the caretaker after the surgery. That is a lot of stress and pressure to contend with on his behalf and on his own especially if your family is not close by.

In all of this, only you can really decide what the problem really is and gauge his behaviour as you know him more than I do and anyone else on here. I am just giving my perspective. Maybe time apart for the both of you might be a good idea. He may need to clear his head and you may need some space to re-evualate your relationship. When both of you are in a better frame of mind talk about this more in detail, maybe with a professional. I wish you good health and take care.

Big Bag of Chips

I see your original post was a week ago, so maybe this is all sorted now... but my tuppence worth, and you probably won't like it.. he's not all that bothered about the relationship any more.

He has not been showing you much attention or affection for a time. When you try discuss it he gives you even less attention and doesn't seem to care whether your relationship continues or not.

I think he's trying to get out, but too cowardly to do it, and is hoping you'll make the decision for him.

Normally I'd say, talk to him, discuss it, see if your relationship can be saved.... but if he won't talk to you, then what else can you do?

Piliger

OP this is clearly a complex situation, like all marriages, and complicated further by your state of health.

Some people are trigger happy and have nothing more constructive to say than end the relationship, This is nonsense. A relationship of 12 years is worth being a little patient ! Life is WAY too short to simply end a serious relationship because of a week or two of problems.

We have no idea what the real nature of the fight was ... or what was behind it, or what it was following on.

Clearly this man is hurt and wounded, whether he is right or you are right. Clearly he needs time. Yes it is easy to say you are the one who is ill, but that just ignores what is going on in his head and his emotions. He could be going through his own issues, stress at work or other things.

Imho both of you need to back off and give each other some time to process what is going on. Leave him be and stop pushing him to be affectionate. He may just not be up to it right now.

LegacyUser

Thank you very much for all your replies. Things have not really been sorted at all. I have been to my GP and have arranged counselling for myself to try and get my head around everything. I have tried every day to discover what is wrong and while there is now communication, it is only about unconsequential things. He has also taken to deleting his phone messages and his call log on his mobile..same with his internet browsing history. We never had a problem picking up each others phones before so now I am beginning to suspect the lack of interest may have another cause. Just as a by the way, I am the main wage earner and he works part-time. It is very tiring but I am someone who prefers to keep busy. I therefore can't just go home as I actually don't want to give up my job. I have my first counselling session on Thursday and I'm hoping that these sessions will enable me to make the best decisions for me...xx

LegacyUser

Just an update on what has happened since. I discovered that he was texting a young college student behind my back (she was 20 and he's 48) and I confronted him on it. He agreed that he would do anything he could to save the relationship and agreed to go to the doctor and to counselling. I wasn't happy but I agreed to try. He moved into the spare room on the 27th april and is still there. He went to the GP with me and I was told I would have to be patient until he got better. The word depression was mentioned but my OH refuses to take medication. He is supposed to exercise everyday and only sleep for 8 hours which he is trying to do. However, there is no improvement in his behaviour towards me. He will talk but not about emotions or feelings. I have tried on 3/4 occasions to talk things out and I get nothing. No excuses, no explanations just a blank stare. He now denies that he ever said he'd go to counselling to save the relationship and I have to admit that my resentment towards him is growing. What do I do now? I don't want to be in a relationship devoid of affection and I can't see us fixing it on our own. Any suggestions??

Piliger

Hi OP ... SO sorry about what is happening.

It is very possible that he is sick and depression is a terrible thing. And as such we have to temper what judgements can be made about him.
However even if he is sick ... there are still things is is capable of doing and he doesn't seem to be doing them. I sympathise with anyone who may be suffering from depression but that doesn't stop him making some effort to communicate with you, even in small amounts, enough to give you some comfort that he cares and is doing his best.

However having said that - In my opinion I think you need to focus exclusively on YOU for the moment. I feel that this crapology is the last thing you need, and you need to find a way of taking care of yourself and leaving him to his own devices for a while. Can you move in with family ? or a friend ? until your health turns a corner ? Make no mistake about it this kind of problem will inevitably damage you health ... and that's not a medical opinion ... just a life opinion.
I know he needs help too. But imho you are not in a position to offer that help right now.
That may appear to be pretty cruel advice, wrt him, but you are in a much more critical situation and choices need to be made.
I think the wider issue about you and him and his behaviour and problems are a separate issue.