Rugby Football Skills Translator

Chazz Michael Michaels · 14-04-2012 7:31pm #1

Saw this on another forum, and it raised quite a few laughs.

Note: If you are offended by people poking fun at rugby, then it is probably best that you stop reading now.

Ok, here are a few examples:

Dark Arts of the Front Row : Eye gouging, ear biting, testicle squeezing and inserting fingers up the arse.

Great Hands: Successfully catching a 3 yard pass straight into your arms.

Penalty Try: A unique phenomena to rugby wherein a team gets points because the other team are making it too difficult for them to score.

Sitting in the pocket: Get your gang of 18 stone oafs to trundle up the field till they're under the posts. Stand 20 yards back where no one can get near you and try and drop-kick it between the posts. You'll probably miss because you're a rugby footballer but if you do get it you'll be praised for your 'nerves of steel'. The GAA equivalent is known as a '21 yard free'. If you miss one, you're taken off.

Remember, it's just a bit of fun.

Any additions of your own?

mikedragon32 · 14-04-2012 8:10pm

This was circulated around my club during the week (excuse the formatting) :

WHY RUGBY HAS BACKS? At
Last a Rational explanation of the Game.

It is largely unknown to players and followers of the modern game that
rugby started off purely as a contest for forwards in opposition in
line-outs, scrums, rucks and mauls. This pitted eight men of statuesque
physique, supreme fitness and superior intelligence in packs against one
another. In those days, the winner was the pack that won the most set
pieces. The debasement of the game began when backs were introduced. This
occurred because a major problem was where to locate the next scrum or
line-out. Selecting positions on the ground for these had become a constant
source of friction and even violence.

The problem was resolved by employing forward rejects, men of small stature
and limited intelligence, to run aimlessly around within the field of play.
Following a set piece, the ball would be thrown to one of them, who would
establish the next location either by dropping it or by throwing it to
another reject for dropping. Very occasionally, a third reject would
receive the ball before it would be dropped, and crowds would wildly cheer
on these rare occasions. Initially these additional players were entirely
disorganized but with the passing of time they adopted set positions.

For instance, take the half-back. He was usually one of the smallest and
least intelligent of the backs whose role was simply to accept the ball
from a forward and to pass it on to one of the other rejects who would drop
it, providing the new location for the forwards to compete. He could easily
(given his general size) have been called a quarter forward or a ball
monkey but then tolerance and compassion are the keys to forward play and
the present euphemism was decided on.

The five-eighth plays next to the half-back and his role is essentially the
same except that when pressured, he usually panics and kicks the ball.
Normally, he is somewhat taller and slightly better built than the
half-back and hence his name. One-eighth less and he would have been a
half-back, three-eighths more and he might well have qualified to become a
forward.

The centres were opportunists who had no expertise but wanted to share in
the glamour associated with forward packs. After repeated supplication to
the forwards for a role in the game they would be told to get out in the
middle of the field and wait for instructions. Thus, when asked where they
played, they would reply "in the centre". And they remain to this day,
parasites and scroungers who mostly work as lawyers or used car dealers.

You may ask, why wingers? The answer is simple. Because these were players
who had very little ability and were the lowest in the backline pecking
order, they were placed as far away from the ball as possible.
Consequently, and because the inside backs were so diligent in their
assigned role of dropping the ball whenever they received it, the main
contribution to the game made by the winger was not to get involved. Their
instructions were to run away as quickly as possible whenever trouble
appeared, and to avoid tackles at all costs. The fact that the game was
organised so that the wingers didn't get to touch the ball led to an
incessant flow of complaints from them and eventually the apt description
"whingers" was applied. Even though the "h" dropped off over the years, the
whingeing itself unfortunately has not.

Lastly, the full-back. This was the position given to the worst handler,
the person least able to accept or pass the ball, someone who was always in
the way. The name arose because the forwards would understandably become
infuriated by the poor play invariably demonstrated by that person, and
call out "send that fool back". He would then be relegated well out of
everyone's way to the rear of the field. So there you have it. Let's return
to the glory days of a contest between two packs of eight men of statuesque
physique, supreme fitness and superior intelligence. The rest can go off to
where they will be happier – playing soccer.

debaser13 · 04-02-2016 7:08pm

I couldn't read the whole reply but I don't think rugby can truly become a global sport until it loses this arrogant and dismissive attitude. It's also worth remembering that jockeys are the toughest men in sport. I can't say what the most skillful sport is, but I feel rugby would be down the list.

Teferi · 04-02-2016 7:22pm

debaser13 wrote: »

I couldn't read the whole reply but I don't think rugby can truly become a global sport until it loses this arrogant and dismissive attitude. It's also worth remembering that jockeys are the toughest men in sport. I can't say what the most skillful sport is, but I feel rugby would be down the list.

This is my favourite post of the year so far.