Can't live with the guilt

Bobby42

Hi,
guess I'm looking for perspectives on this.

I'm 26, a student living at home.

I'm not earning and I'm struggling to find a job, believe me I've tried.

But I just can't handle the guilt anymore. I'm 26, why should my family still have to be supporting me at this stage. I live with my Dad and my younger sister. My Dad is in his 60's and isn't earning much, and I just can't handle the guilt of having to be supported financially.

It should be me supporting my family, definitely not the other way around.

Anytime I was working I've always helped out financially. I've helped out my family with money countless times.

But things are so tight at the minute I just absolutely hate myself. I'm an absolute waste of space. I can barely look at myself in the mirror, I'm absolute scum of the earth. I just feel so guilty.

Honestly, if I knew it wouldn't affect anyone I'd just go ahead and take my own life. I just can't go on any longer in this situation. But I know my friends and family would be beyond devastated so it's not something I'd do.

I scrape by on my grant and pay bills, pick up shopping when I can but my Dad deserves so much better at this stage of his life. I should be paying for him to take a holiday or something.

My older sister gives my Dad some money when she can, which some of which is then spent on me. I absolutely hate it. She has her own life and bills and stuff to look after, why on earth should she give me a cent?

I really can't go on being such a burden on everyone. I can't stand it much longer.

P. Breathnach

I think you are overlooking something important: parental love, and the deal that is involved in parenthood. Unless a family is dysfunctional, these general rules tend to apply:
- Parents love their children. They support them in any way they can, be that practical help, financial assistance, or emotional support. That lasts for as long as it is needed, and is as unlimited as a parent is able to manage.
- Children love their parents and appreciate what they do for them.
- Over time, the balance changes. When parents age and are less able to look after themselves, children take on some responsibility for their well-being.

Yes, it is clear that you think it is time for the balance to change. But fate often deals you a bad hand. Stay in the game. You won't be unlucky forever. The time will come when you will be able to deliver to your father and sisters, and I am sure that they already appreciate that you want to do that. Walk away now, and you cheat them of that prospect.

You know your family, and I don't. It might be better if you told them something of what you are feeling. You might be able to judge for yourself how much.

Wompa1

Bobby42 wrote: »

Hi,
guess I'm looking for perspectives on this.

I'm 26, a student living at home.

I'm not earning and I'm struggling to find a job, believe me I've tried.

But I just can't handle the guilt anymore. I'm 26, why should my family still have to be supporting me at this stage. I live with my Dad and my younger sister. My Dad is in his 60's and isn't earning much, and I just can't handle the guilt of having to be supported financially.

It should be me supporting my family, definitely not the other way around.

Anytime I was working I've always helped out financially. I've helped out my family with money countless times.

But things are so tight at the minute I just absolutely hate myself. I'm an absolute waste of space. I can barely look at myself in the mirror, I'm absolute scum of the earth. I just feel so guilty.

Honestly, if I knew it wouldn't affect anyone I'd just go ahead and take my own life. I just can't go on any longer in this situation. But I know my friends and family would be beyond devastated so it's not something I'd do.

I scrape by on my grant and pay bills, pick up shopping when I can but my Dad deserves so much better at this stage of his life. I should be paying for him to take a holiday or something.

My older sister gives my Dad some money when she can, which some of which is then spent on me. I absolutely hate it. She has her own life and bills and stuff to look after, why on earth should she give me a cent?

I really can't go on being such a burden on everyone. I can't stand it much longer.

What kind of work experience do you have and what regions are you willing to work in. Would you move for work?

Bobby42

I've worked in admin so trying for temp rolls over the summer, I'd work anywhere in Dublin really. My head is all over the place with worry and guilt. With a few things from my past creeping up on me itall gets a bit too much for me, selfish I know.

Bobby42

Guess I just feel sick to my stomach with guilt. But I am also exceptionally hard on myself, I just feel like leaching scum, too much of a burden.

But I supposse it's a good point about parents and how I want to change the roles around.

One thing that keeps me going is that as soon as I get working again I'm going to save a good bit of cash but and then give it to my dad and sisters.

I just feel like I don't deserve their support though, I'm not worth it.

snafuk35

Bobby42 wrote: »

Hi,
guess I'm looking for perspectives on this.

I'm 26, a student living at home.

I'm not earning and I'm struggling to find a job, believe me I've tried.

But I just can't handle the guilt anymore. I'm 26, why should my family still have to be supporting me at this stage. I live with my Dad and my younger sister. My Dad is in his 60's and isn't earning much, and I just can't handle the guilt of having to be supported financially.

It should be me supporting my family, definitely not the other way around.

Anytime I was working I've always helped out financially. I've helped out my family with money countless times.

But things are so tight at the minute I just absolutely hate myself. I'm an absolute waste of space. I can barely look at myself in the mirror, I'm absolute scum of the earth. I just feel so guilty.

Honestly, if I knew it wouldn't affect anyone I'd just go ahead and take my own life. I just can't go on any longer in this situation. But I know my friends and family would be beyond devastated so it's not something I'd do.

I scrape by on my grant and pay bills, pick up shopping when I can but my Dad deserves so much better at this stage of his life. I should be paying for him to take a holiday or something.

My older sister gives my Dad some money when she can, which some of which is then spent on me. I absolutely hate it. She has her own life and bills and stuff to look after, why on earth should she give me a cent?

I really can't go on being such a burden on everyone. I can't stand it much longer.

If you want to blame somebody blame the banking system which gave a away cheap credit, blame the politicians, speculators and con-artists who sold people ponzi schemes and blame the sheep who took the credit. They are people who should feel guilty and not you.
Life isn't fair. That's all there is to it.
There's been a global crash and times are going to be tough for a few years but you have to man up and do what you have to do to get by.
Keep looking for a work and if you get an offer take it so you can earn a bit of money to tide you over.
There are hundreds of thousands in dire straits through no fault of their own and you are one of them - that's why we have a welfare state and that's why people look after each-other. Your father loves you, your sister loves you and family is all you have got at the end of the day.
While there is life there is hope and nobody knows what's coming.
Whatever is around the corner you can't stop it.
One day your father will be dead, your sister will be dead and you will be dead. That is a long time away yet.
You have many years ahead of you and you have to make the most of them no matter what.
You have nothing to be guilty about.
You have to crack on and look to the future and create it for yourself.

This poem says it all:

IF by Rudyard Kipling.

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

P. Breathnach

Bobby42 wrote:

... I just feel like I don't deserve their support though, I'm not worth it.

Of course you are. The very fact that you are bothered about them is a sign that you are worth it.

I am sure that you feel demoralised by your run of bad luck. That's normal. I'd be worried if it didn't get you down a bit, just as I would be worried if it got you down too much. Don't be worried about feeling somewhat down: it's part of the pattern of life that things go up and down, and when they go down they eventually go up again.

I hope that you are looking after your study requirements, not just for your own sake, but for your father's. He is helping you, and the main reward for him would be to see you succeed with your course. So do that for him and for yourself.

While for the moment you can't do much for him financially, there are probably other things you can do for him - a bit of help about the house, some companionship, even telling him that you love him.

thefeatheredcat

I know that guilt. And it's hard. But you have overlooked something within your own self - if you weren't so hard on yourself to experience such guilt, then you wouldn't realise the true worth in the human that you are because it actually matters to you and that you feel that your father is living on less when he could do better on more. That IMO makes you a good person because you can see that. And selfless. There are people who would take advantage of the situation but you're not.

There's a lot that you can contribute in helping out, but as already pointed out you probably are at least some company to your father, and it probably also reassures and is a comfort to your sister that you're there as company for him. Even simple things like "hello, how are you" "good morning" or whatever else can make a difference to someone.

Don't be so hard on yourself too much all the time. Your dad probably knows and understands your frustration... given that he's in his 60s he might know a lot more about hardship and lack of jobs if he has lived in Ireland through the 50s and 80s, and the frustration of wanting to provide for others that you care for but not being able to and not having the means to do so.

StupidLikeAFox

You are a student, this is a temporary situation and you are going to have many years in the future to pay back your father

Taltos

Bobby

please use some of the resources from our charter or go speak to your GP immediately.
Unfortunately though we are not qualified to help or advise people considering suicide so we have to close this thread.

Suicide
http://www.nosp.ie/
(national suicide prevention)
1Life Suicide Prevention Helpline - 1800 247 100