My Father is a problem for me. HELP!

singathim

I need help & advice! Please read my story.

I am going to make this as short as I can to avoid boring you!

I am a male in my early 20's and my father is causing me to be extremly anxious to the net effect that I can not socialize in my local area due to fear of bumping into him in the pub, shop, street etc (I cant stand been seen with him in public, it makes me feel humiliated and ashamed).

I was raiser by my mother (Lone Parent) from the age 7 onwards.
My father had a VERY respectable job but lost it all and ended up doing time in prison (You can imagine how anxious I was in primary school when other children would question me about my dad and I had to lie alot to cover up the truth as I felt so bad as you can imagine)..

From 1998 until about 2005 I had to see him for a few hours on a saturday. When I drove around with him I would wear hats etc and make him pick me up in a place where I would be less likely to be seen by someone that I knew as I felt so bad to be seen with him in public and still do!

He lives alone and to put it simple is a pure waster, he is the dirtiest person I know and extremly lazy and spends his dole on Guinness on the weekends (I wouldnt describe him as a raging alco at the same time).

With all of the above been said, I still have emotional feelings for him deep down (Which I wish I didnt sometimes). I visit him once a month in his filthy flat for about 30 mins.

With my mother I have always been on her side (She hates him) but deep down I wish my father would scrub up and clean himself but he wont.

It is driving me mad. It has meant that through all my years growing up when my freinds from school would go out at the weekends I would stay at home in fear of bumping into my father in the pub and him making me look like scum and the awkwardness it would cause)

I dont really have a question I just would like to hear from others, mabey you have some kind words of wisdom for me?

Thanks for reading.

GT

P. Breathnach

Sensible people will judge you for yourself, and will not base their opinion of you on what your father is like. And if they are not sensible, who cares?

edellc

Nobodies parents are perfect and from what you say your dad wasnt the best to you or your mam growing up. But he is your dad like it or not, he may not be who you want him to be but thats your problem not his, yes he has been to prison but he seems from what you say to be getting on with his life. He may not be working, he may like to have a pint but by no means be an alco and yes he may be scruffy but so what that is his life to live his way.

If you choose not to go out with mates at weekends for fear of bumping into him and him making you look bad shame on you. Your 20 the friends that you have now may not be the friends you have in 10, 20 years time but guess what your dad will still be your dad. If your hindering your social life thats your fault not your dads, your the one with the problem not him. So you either get over it and if you bump into him when out say hi and have a quick chat, say see you later and move on if your friends ask who that was say it was your dad, you dont need to bad mouth him to them or be ashamed of him to them, if you behave like it is an issue then it is if you behave like its nothing then its just that nothing just bumping into the old man in town no biggie.

singathim

P. Breathnach, Thank you for your comment. It is a good thought for me to reflect on.

edellc, Thank you for your comment. Some harsh truth I wish someone told me over 10 years ago! I guess I need to man up a bit. Confidence and balls was always my weak point.

Keep the advice coming if anyone has anymore.

Thank you

Ellie2008

edellc wrote: »

Nobodies parents are perfect and from what you say your dad wasnt the best to you or your mam growing up. But he is your dad like it or not, he may not be who you want him to be but thats your problem not his, yes he has been to prison but he seems from what you say to be getting on with his life. He may not be working, he may like to have a pint but by no means be an alco and yes he may be scruffy but so what that is his life to live his way.

If you choose not to go out with mates at weekends for fear of bumping into him and him making you look bad shame on you. Your 20 the friends that you have now may not be the friends you have in 10, 20 years time but guess what your dad will still be your dad. If your hindering your social life thats your fault not your dads, your the one with the problem not him. So you either get over it and if you bump into him when out say hi and have a quick chat, say see you later and move on if your friends ask who that was say it was your dad, you dont need to bad mouth him to them or be ashamed of him to them, if you behave like it is an issue then it is if you behave like its nothing then its just that nothing just bumping into the old man in town no biggie.

Hi OP,

I don't mean to be harsh but I would agree with the above. Whatever your father did he has paid his debt to society, you make him sound mad rather than bad so I'm guessing his crime wasn't rape or murder. I think the way you felt as a child and feel now is understandable but for all his failings it sounds like he was still interested. in seeing you. I think it would be helpful to try and look at things from his perspective - it's very difficult to pick your life up after being in prison, you become institutionalised, doors are probably slammed in your face and it's sounds as if he may well be depressed.

OP a lot of people are imperfect parents, of course it would have been easier for you if your Dad lived with your mother and went to work every day but if you accept that this is how things are you can make peace with yourself and him. Your Dad is human and has made mistakes, try to accept him for who he is.

username123

My father was an alcoholic and well known locally for his aggression, lunatic behaviour, many drunken accidents where neighbours would carry him into the house covered in blood, and general bad behaviour.

When I came of an age to go to the local pubs everyone knew I was 'his' child. It was mentioned to me loads of times by barmen, other drinkers, plus the old man would drunkenly fall over me in the pub to say hello.

I never cared. It wasnt me. Im only responsible for my own behaviour.

Sometimes aul lads in the pub would say to me 'sure your Da is a ragin alco' to which Id reply 'well you'd know wouldnt you - dont you prop up the bar alongside him?'

They were only idiots. Sensible people judged me for myself. As for having to talk to my Dad in public - as long as I had a relationship with him I just did it cos it was the only way to act honestly - I wouldnt talk to him in private and ignore him in public. However our relationship did become estranged later and I did not speak to him either publicly or privately - however that had nothing to do with shame or embarrassment etc...

Danniboo

edellc wrote: »

Nobodies parents are perfect and from what you say your dad wasnt the best to you or your mam growing up. But he is your dad like it or not, he may not be who you want him to be but thats your problem not his, yes he has been to prison but he seems from what you say to be getting on with his life. He may not be working, he may like to have a pint but by no means be an alco and yes he may be scruffy but so what that is his life to live his way.

If you choose not to go out with mates at weekends for fear of bumping into him and him making you look bad shame on you. Your 20 the friends that you have now may not be the friends you have in 10, 20 years time but guess what your dad will still be your dad. If your hindering your social life thats your fault not your dads, your the one with the problem not him. So you either get over it and if you bump into him when out say hi and have a quick chat, say see you later and move on if your friends ask who that was say it was your dad, you dont need to bad mouth him to them or be ashamed of him to them, if you behave like it is an issue then it is if you behave like its nothing then its just that nothing just bumping into the old man in town no biggie.

You cannot be serious, OP if your father treated you and your mam like crap you have every right to be disgusted with him. The OP does have a problem, this excuse of a man is making his life miserable. OP don't listen to his codwollop, you have done nothing wrong. Fair play to you for still making an effort to see him once a month. It's more that a lot of people would do in your situation.

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

[/B]

You cannot be serious, OP if your father treated you and your mam like crap you have every right to be disgusted with him. The OP does have a problem, this excuse of a man is making his life miserable. OP don't listen to his codwollop, you have done nothing wrong. Fair play to you for still making an effort to see him once a month. It's more that a lot of people would do in your situation.

Yes the OP has the right to be peed off with his old man and yes he has the right not to have anything to do with him if he so wishes, but lets put things in perspective his father was a **** but he did see him, how many "fathers" and I use the term lightly are in fact sperm donors, the OP's parents may not have been together but he still saw and wanted to see his son.

Yes he went to prison but from what the OP is saying it wasn't for murder/rape/sexual assault and the likes and he has now paid his debt, the OP clearly says he wants to still be in his fathers life he just wants his dad to a respectable, working, clean man which his dad isn't and the OP cant make him that way... that's life, the OP also clearly loves his dad

The OP is clearly an adult of 20 and it is his self that is letting this situation get out of hand, he is the one choosing not to go out with mates in case of bumping into his dad, he doesn't have to acknowledge him if he doesn't want to but he is the one stopping himself from doing these things. So saying that his dad is making his life a misery is just ridiculous it is the OP who is making his own life a misery by avoiding his life so as to not bump into his dad, I mean what does he want his dad to do...kill himself just so the OP doesn't have to face the embarrassment of bumping into him in town...now really come on

singathim

Danniboo wrote: »

[/B]

You cannot be serious, OP if your father treated you and your mam like crap you have every right to be disgusted with him. The OP does have a problem, this excuse of a man is making his life miserable. OP don't listen to his codwollop, you have done nothing wrong. Fair play to you for still making an effort to see him once a month. It's more that a lot of people would do in your situation.

Thanks. Yea its just when I see him (evan in the distance I start to tremble with fear)!

edellc

What the hell are you trembling with fear for OP???


Did your father ever hit you, been verbally or physically abusive towards you or have you witnessed this towards your mother??

if so you make no mention of that in your opening post, and seem to be contradicting yourself, as you clearly state that you want to see you dad but yet you tremble with fear if you see him on a night out, is this just because you dont want you friends to see that is your dad??

what did he do that was so terrible that made him loose his respectable job, end up in prison and driving around with you in the passenger seat with various hats on your head

you are not responsible for your parents or anyone elses behaviour, nor should you be embarrassed or tremble with fear over it, you have control over your life and what you let affect you and what you dont NO ONE else just you

your 20 you need to take control now or you never will

singathim

edellc wrote: »

What the hell are you trembling with fear for OP???


Did your father ever hit you, been verbally or physically abusive towards you or have you witnessed this towards your mother?? Yes, tried to stab me when I was 5.

if so you make no mention of that in your opening post, and seem to be contradicting yourself, as you clearly state that you want to see you dad but yet you tremble with fear if you see him on a night out, is this just because you dont want you friends to see that is your dad?? Yes.

what did he do that was so terrible that made him loose his respectable job, end up in prison and driving around with you in the passenger seat with various hats on your head. Sexual Assault

you are not responsible for your parents or anyone elses behaviour, nor should you be embarrassed or tremble with fear over it, you have control over your life and what you let affect you and what you dont NO ONE else just you

your 20 you need to take control now or you never will

Thanks for advice

Danniboo

edellc78 wrote: »

Yes the OP has the right to be peed off with his old man and yes he has the right not to have anything to do with him if he so wishes, but lets put things in perspective his father was a **** but he did see him, how many "fathers" and I use the term lightly are in fact sperm donors, the OP's parents may not have been together but he still saw and wanted to see his son.

Yes he went to prison but from what the OP is saying it wasn't for murder/rape/sexual assault and the likes and he has now paid his debt, the OP clearly says he wants to still be in his fathers life he just wants his dad to a respectable, working, clean man which his dad isn't and the OP cant make him that way... that's life, the OP also clearly loves his dad

The OP is clearly an adult of 20 and it is his self that is letting this situation get out of hand, he is the one choosing not to go out with mates in case of bumping into his dad, he doesn't have to acknowledge him if he doesn't want to but he is the one stopping himself from doing these things. So saying that his dad is making his life a misery is just ridiculous it is the OP who is making his own life a misery by avoiding his life so as to not bump into his dad, I mean what does he want his dad to do...kill himself just so the OP doesn't have to face the embarrassment of bumping into him in town...now really come on

You need to read the OPs latest response, maybe try not to be so judgemental in future. The OP has every right to not acknowledge. him.

edellc

Just seen the OP reply now

for the record Danniboo was only passing comment and as for the judgemental none of what the op has said now was in his opening post and he made it seem like he wanted to have something to do with his father, but was embarrassed to due to prison and his unkept appearance, it is only now that he is divulging actual details

OP if your father tried to stab you at 5 why did your mother let you anywhere near him, and if the courts approved such visits shame on them...I have a sister who has a son with a total looser and the courts approved unsupervised visits with even thought he has said he will abduct the child, he drove without tax and insurance and without a licence while drunk and on drugs all with the child in the car he also beat my sister to within a inch of her life all in front of the child, and the only reason he doest see the child now is that he spent time at her majesties service for smashing his car into another man's and killing him, and is only out recently my sister moved away to make sure he doesn't know where she is

I understand about the whole sexual assault thing and not wanting to see him, my dad sexually assaulted two of my sisters, which devastated my mother and ended up with her getting really sick and eventually dying, she changed over night when the truth came out from a happy go lucky person to a very sad cynical one it was awful, I haven't spoken or seen my dad in over 10years and have no desire to ever have him in my life.....however I would and will not let this dictate where I socialise it was him that did wrong not me

I live in a big big town and I think you may live in a much smaller place so my bumping into him is less than yours, I understand that you dont want to see him so you need to be strong and stand up for yourself...if a bar man says oh thats your old man then say yes but we are estranged due to his behaviour and I dont want to associate with him thank you very much, and leave it at that it will then be down to your dad to explain himself to said barman if anything is said likewise say the same to his friends, I dont call my dad, dad I now just use his first name as to me my dad died the day I learned of his behaviour....if your friends are friends then explain to them how your feel about the matter and if and when you bump into him in town you dont need to stop and be polite just walk on by if you so wish, if they are friends they will be there for you 100%, but be prepared either you have him in your life and deal with your embarrassment or cut him off totally and treat him like a stranger...if you do the latter be prepared to grieve as it really is like a death and it took me a good three years to stop crying and asking why, and now he is just a sad, pathetic individual who I would step over if it came to it

love and hugs op and i really encourage you to talk to your friends about your feelings (I know boys/men dont talk like that but you have to have at least one in your group that you can talk to like that)

Lisha

HI I just wanted to say to the OP that no one really judges you simply on who your father is. You are your own person and you should be very proud that you and your Mom survived without him.

I get that you have unacknowleged/unwanted feelings towards him. I get that this confuses and even upsets you. Biology is biology afterall. Don't beat your self up about it. In a way you have already lost your Dad, the kind loving parent is lost to you forever and this has to be grieved in its own way.
I would urge you to consider counselling to allow you to work your way through this.

You deserve a future free of being held back by your Dad's actions and your perception of reactions from other people.

Please allow yourself to know that only your actions matter now.

Don't let this hold your life back you and your Mom deserve happiness.

Take care OP

singathim

Lisha wrote: »

HI I just wanted to say to the OP that no one really judges you simply on who your father is. You are your own person and you should be very proud that you and your Mom survived without him.

I get that you have unacknowleged/unwanted feelings towards him. I get that this confuses and even upsets you. Biology is biology afterall. Don't beat your self up about it. In a way you have already lost your Dad, the kind loving parent is lost to you forever and this has to be grieved in its own way.
I would urge you to consider counselling to allow you to work your way through this.

You deserve a future free of being held back by your Dad's actions and your perception of reactions from other people.

Please allow yourself to know that only your actions matter now.

Don't let this hold your life back you and your Mom deserve happiness.

Take care OP

How will Counselling help me exactly ?