i want to tell my sister's boyfriend of her infidelity.

LegacyUser

I'm 28 and I hate my sister. I mean really, genuinely, I wish she was dead. (She's 25.) She's always been my parent's favourite and my parents have always taken her side. I always wondered why they treated us so differently, then when I was 18, after reading my medical notes, I found out that it's because my mum never bonded with me after a difficult birth and felt that I didn't belong to her. But even my dad takes her side, if as kids, me and my sister argued he would beat me and comfort her.

I have been ill with a heart condition and unable to work for a while. When I was twice taken to hospital with severe heart problems, my mum treated me like a burden, just dropped me off at the hospital and left me to fend for myself. When I recieved the incorrect medicine from a doctor there she did nothing. But when my sister failed to bother signing up with a GP and then got an STD and had to go to hospital and wait a long time to see a doctor my mother was enraged and made numerous official complaints (even though its my sisters own fault that she got an STD and didn't have a GP.)

My sister is horrible to me. When I attempted suicide she visited me in the hospital to tell me that I was causing trouble. She is always saying that I'm a burden on my parents because I'm not working now, and that I should just kill myself.

She has a part time job and a flat but she spends all of her money on cigarettes, drugs and alcohol so she is always getting my mum to pay her rent, car insurance, car tax and send her extra money for food. She spends a fortune on her that they can ill afford but she calls me a burden because my mum buys my food.

Every few months my dad (who lives in another county) puts a little extra money in our accounts, taking it in turns. I mean, when he has some money to spare one month he'll give it to me, the next time to her. However sometimes my mum persuades him to give my sister my share instead, claiming that she needs it to pay her rent, when really my sister has told my mum that it's because she spent her rent money on drugs, alcohol, partying etc.

My sister recently phoned my mum, upset, (and I overheard) to tell her that whilst on coke, she's cheated on her boyfriend by having sex with someone else. My mum advised her not to tell the boyfriend.

My dad recently went on holiday for a month and before he went, he promised that when he got back he'd give me money as it's my turn next. I have debts but I spent a little extra money this month because I thought - the money from my dad is coming, that money can go to my debt repayment.) My dad got back yesterday and today my mum asked him to give the money to my sister instead, to pay the rent on her new flat as she's moving in with her boyfriend. He agreed and so now I'm not getting any. This is not the first time that this has happened. My mum also had to pay my sisters car insurance and tax this same month, so I heard my parents on the phone, wondering how they were going to pay for all of this stuff for my sister, and talking about getting a loan to pay it!

I sent a text to my sister saying "Will you stop asking mum and dad to give you money all the time, they are going into debt and worrying to pay for your rent and car."

She sent back a text too rude to print here but swearing and telling me to get off my fat arse and saying that at least her life is worthwhile, unlike mine, and sayint that every penny my parents had spent on me was a waste, and that my life is pathetic. She then phoned my mum to make sure she was still getting her money and my mum soothed her, saying of course you need it. Then my mum yelled at me for thinking that I should have been given the money I'd been promised.


When I was healthy and working I never asked my parents for money! I only need financial help while I am ill. But she is working and spending money like it's water knowing that our parents will always bail her out. But the thing that really hurts is how cold and rude my mother and sister are to me, and the favouritism they have always shown her.

After my sister's text I am really tempted to tell her boyfriend about her infidelity. Then maybe he won't want to move in with her and she won't need rent money. I want to hurt her like she hurts me. She is always so hurtful to me and my parents care about her so much more than they do about me. No matter what I've done, university, living and working abroad, it's never good enough and they make it very obvious, even saying outright that they are disappointed in me. But if my sister gets even a rubbish little part time job they are so proud and always cooing over her and boasting about her. My parents, for some godforsaken reason, wanted me to be an accountant, but I qualified in sports science and got a job as a personal trainer instead. My sister at the time had a part time job as a receptionist. I heard my mum on the phone one day, boasting to her friend about my sister, saying, "She's got herself a really good job blah blah blah." Then there was a pause where the friend was obviously asking what I was up to and my mum said "Oh *my name*. Oh her." Then she said quickly and quietly in an ashamed voice "Well, she's doing her thing." Then she very quickly changed the subject back to my sister.

When I was in a serious long term relationship my mother wasn't inetersted. Now my sister has a boyfriend she's always talking about them, asking when they're going to get married and inviting him round and calling him her son in law.

I just feel so unwanted. And my sister rubs my face in everything, including the fact that I've gotten fat due to my medication. She's always laughing at me and saying, "Ha ha, you're fat and it makes me happy! Mum, look at her big fat belly and fat face!" Then my mum joins in and laughs.

My sister is so selfish. No matter how much I need money I don't ask for it I wait for my dad to offer. But my sister phones them up every time she's spent all of her money on drugs, and expects them to drop everything and go straight to the bank, and they do!

edellc

OP your sister and mother sound like complete bitches. I too have an older sister who is a bitch and best avoided at all times. thankfully I live nowhere near her dont ring her and generally have nothing to do with her and i must say we have a great relationship now

I dont think its a good idea for you to tell on your sister, if she is like you say she is then this will not be the first time she cheats on him and once they move in together I'm sure he will see her true colours, although it may take a while

As for the way your mother is with her, well there is always one that is favoured over the others, thats just life, sometimes its done because a mother knows that the child cannot fend for themselves (totally the parents fault) and it seems that your sister cannot fend for herself . She has been giving everything on a plate and when things go wrong instead of fixing them she goes to mammy and daddy, at 25 thats a bit sad really after all she is an adult and should be able to sort her own life out. She is more to be pitied than envied.

You need to stop worrying about how you mam treats you and your sister, what she gives your sister is not really any of your business however much it annoys you.

I know your ill but is there anyway you can move out?? R u signing on so therefore have your own income as such and maybe move out maybe to a house share??

As for the fat comments well thats something you can and will loose especially being a personal trainer as for her nasty attitude well thats not something she can loose, I'd rather be fat than a bitch

Most importantly dont let either of them make you feel like you should not be here, how dare they....is their any way you can sit down with your mam and have a grown up conversation without it coming down to what a bitch your sister is and how you dislike what your parents do for her??

LegacyUser

edellc wrote: »

, what she gives your sister is not really any of your business however much it annoys you.

I know your ill but is there anyway you can move out?? R u signing on so therefore have your own income as such and maybe move out maybe to a house share??

I feel that it is my business what my parents give her, because they take it out of what they'd otherwise be giving me. I do live on benefits at the moment but it's not enough for my own place and also I need some help with day to day things at the moment, so living alone or with strangers would be too difficult.

"is their any way you can sit down with your mam and have a grown up conversation without it coming down to what a bitch your sister is and how you dislike what your parents do for her?? "

I've tried to talk to my mum about this many times, even tonight, I tried to talk about the time she'd dumped me at the hospital while caring more about my sisters std and she refused to listen, kept cutting me off and yelled at me.

Another thing is that when my sisters staying here, if she so much as fluffs a cushion my mum praises her, saying, "Thank you darling, that's so good of you, I don't know what I'd do without you, "etc but if I even do a big cleaning job my mum never says a thing about it. If my sister leaves a mess, my mum never says a thing but if I even leave a plate unwashed, all hell breaks loose.

I know most parents have a favourite but I thought most parents try to hide that fact?

Pomplamousse

Christ OP, I can't even begin to imagine how horrible it must be for you to have to put up with such awful awful people, you poor thing, they sound absolutely wretched. Once you're in a position to move out of your Mother's house, I would walk away, leave them behind and have nothing to do with them ever again.

As for telling your sister's boyfriend about her infidelity, as petty as it may be, in this extreme case, if your sister really is that nasty to you, I don't think I would be able to resist the urge to tell him. Would it be possible for you to tell him anonymously, writing him a letter for example?

Missy Moo Moo

What a horrible situation to be in. However, I believe that if you rat her out to her boyfriend it will make things worse for you. If your relationship with her is fraught, its probable that she will just say you're making it up to spite her and because you're jealous of her and her relationship with your parents and that you're resentful of the money etc. Chances are she may have already poisoned him against you.

The only proof you have as well is a phone call you overheard, your mum is likely to take her side and this action will only serve to turn your parents further against you.

I know it's hard but If I were you I would focus on getting my life better, to the point where you are not dependent on your parents and can live a life independent of them and your sister. Pour your energies into that rather than trying to destroy things with her relationship. Chances are he'll find out in time anyway.

Morag

Correct me if I am wrong but I don't think this if the first thread you've started about your sister. You are not going to change her, you are not going to change your parents, the only person you can change is yourself. Stop comparing. Stop thinking about her and do your best to get on with your own life. Are you currently in counseling?

saa

The problem is definitely internal, even though they are family members does not mean they are not damaging to be around their actions have been unfair but it sounds like those actions live on in you emotionally and the more you let your sister into your life the more it ads to this internal coping problem cwhich all of us have from tough family situations because there family but their no good for us.
i have been made to feel unwanted not been given any support while my siblings get everything the older ones the younger ones and myself get nothing but counselling has helped in how to live a content life with the injustices and bad relationships the Priori t y is your stability and quality of life not hers you cannot fix her unfortunately I already went through heart ac he and wasted years trying to fix family members i had no meaningful relationship with

Overheal

I told my mom about my brother's drugs problem one time.

It accomplished diddly squat, except to make me look like a petty asshole. We've since gotten over it but it put me in the corner with my family members for about a year.

This was years and years ago, but looking back on the years since we reconciled and now get along extremely well. But similarly, OP, telling the boyfriend is going to do what exactly? You aren't even doing it for any particular moral reason. I thought I'd click-in here and find a thread about a best friend you couldn't stand to see get lied to or something but the reality here is you only seem to want this because you want to exact some kind of revenge on your sister.

Can't stress on you enough, its a petty form of revenge that will have no lasting satisfaction, will come back at you with negative repercussions, and accomplish little if nothing positive. I'm sure you've heard multiple cliches about how hate begets hate and two wrongs dont make a right and you should always eat your vegetables but the reason you hear all those things is because they promote sound advice.

The only way you're going to change life for the better is to change how you view it. I'm not here to question whatever kind of hate you receive, but you can't give it back in turn. On that note (and folks who know me around here, know I'm not one for saying this type of thing lightly) I am truly sympathetic that you felt like the best course of action was a suicide attempt. I am truly sorry for that; you reached a point where you didn't even love yourself enough to keep on going. I've been near that point before, but not quite. That was as far down as I wanted to go. Fact of the matter is, nobody is going to love you until you love yourself. I tried the pity party approach for years, and it doesnt work, because nobody wants to hear about the perpetual sob story, because they can't relate to it. Most people just don't function like that. Most people are confident, have love for themselves, and that creates their foundation for loving others and nobody can love you if you can't even love yourself. It's fundamental.

For your own sake stop worrying about your sisters life and think about your own. If I tried comparing my life to others on a constant streaming basis (...again), I would be a wreck as I'd never get anywhere. Everyone from Bill Gates to my Friends and Coworkers all have things about them I could sit around all day and envy but porquoi, when I now know there are things about me other people envy for themselves, because I have been so informed! It wasn't my stunning good looks either: but it helps if you have a positive attitude. For instance, I regularly crack jokes about my own insecurities. Moobs. Look it up. or don't...

Take care, love thyself, and go forward one step at a time.

I wrote this because I cared enough to,

Jon

Susie_Q

Telling him won't accomplish anything in terms of making your life easier. If your parents want to give you sister money then that's up to them - it's their money and they decide what to do with it. Also, you're an adult and not ENTITLED to their money so you need to change your mindset on this.

Sorry OP but you need to take an active approach to making your life better instead of wallowing in revenge fantasies. You say you are on benefits which means you would probably be entitled to rent allowance, so you could move out and get your own place. If you need help with daily things then ask a friend to help. Otherwise you will languish in this toxic environment and things won't get any better.

It's up to YOU to change this situation. Best of luck.

Xterminator

unfavouredchild wrote: »

I feel that it is my business what my parents give her, because they take it out of what they'd otherwise be giving me. I do live on benefits at the moment but it's not enough for my own place and also I need some help with day to day things at the moment, so living alone or with strangers would be too difficult.

i can sympathise with your situation, but no it is not your business to tell other people what they can or cannot do with their own money.

seriously if you fixate on this, it will alway haunt you.

you need to focus on yourself, and what you can control, and just accept the things you cant control.

Taltos

OP - sometimes in your life you either have to accept that the people closest to you are flawed and nothing you can do will change them or just keep bashing your head against the wall.

If it were me - right now I would start to figure out what I need in my life to make me happy in myself. If your family and their behaviour brings you nothing but pain then maybe it is time to slowly begin to withdraw from that little drama. I am not saying cut them out (although that might still be needed) but do what you can to limit your contact and keep reminding yourself that they know exactly what buttons to push in order to wind you up.

I also think some counselling for you would be useful. Only because you are expending so much energy that could be better used on your sister and your mother. Maybe by learning to come to terms with exactly who and what they are you can slowly learn to deal with the hurt and the pain.

In short: Should you tell him? No - actually you already know it is none of your business and by involving yourself in her seedy affairs you are only lowering yourself to their level.

Idle Passerby

Your obviously very angry. Whatever your gripe is with your sister It sounds like your motives for wanting to tell her boyfriend she's been unfaithful are more out of wanting to spite her and cause problems for her than because you have any sympathy for her boyfriend. For that reason I think telling would just be more fuel to the fire with this resentment the two of you have.

I don't think you should be comparing what either of you get from your parents. Your both adults and your parents are not obliged to give you any money. What they do give you is in effect a gift, not a right and as such getting angry because you sister gets better presents sounds very immature at your age regardless of whether or not your working.

Its harsh but I think your best option is probably to see and interact with both of them as little as you can. It sounds like your working yourself into a rage thinking about the dynamics in the family so Id say try to get away from it and think about it as little as you can. Its very sad that you feel no neglected by your own family but its unlikely the situation will change by itself, you should just remove yourself from it and try to enjoy your own life without getting bogged down in such a toxic atmosphere.

LegacyUser

Hi OP! i couldnt believe my eyes reading your post!! what an awful abusive situation to be in!

you are a genuinly decent person who works hard and has been through a lot! to be honest, i dont think you should tell your sisters boyf. be the bigger person in this, and walk away! he'll see in time what shes really like - just be patient. but if you tell him, you will be stooping to their level, because if you cheated on your boyfriend, be sure that your sister or mother would probably tell him! you're better than them.

its easy for me to sit here and say "walk away from your family", but in a situation like this, you should. talk to your doctor and see if theres any kind of services out there for someone with an illness that is not in a postition to live in the family home. You need to be surrounded by people who love you, and will be there for you. because being sick, and living with people who treat you like s*** IS NOT healthy, and your recovery will suffer because of it.

have you any close friends that you can confide in and can tell them how much your hurting? you'd be surprised how much your friends may be willing to help you! i wish i could do something to help you, i really really do!
best of luck to you OP, im rooting for you!!! xx

thefeatheredcat

I wouldn't go down the road of telling your sister's boyfriend anything. Most likely he's not going to believe you, if he knows what your sister is like as a person and knows how she feels about you ...and it is just fueling more ammunition to your sister to use this on you as tit-for-tat.

It's really not going to accomplish anything. Your sister, dysfunctional as she is (have you stopped to think why she does use drugs and alcohol as crutches in her life?) will more than likely find some way to twist it around to you looking bad and any minor triumph or power you felt will be taken from you. That and she most likely will end up revealing it herself or create some other dramatic episode or other and all will come out.

Quite honestly you need to realise that you are in the stronger position here and you can really make something of your life... and you know what you'll get what you want because if you have a goal in sorting yourself out, coming to terms with who and what your family are, move from it and use that energy to make a success of yourself, in the grand scheme of things you will win. Create a happy life for yourself without, especially without your sister and your mother, they're as bad as eachother as humans (and bullies, like gossips, always need someone else on the same level on their side to join in even if they know it is so wrong).

When you look back you'll probably realise that most likely with an attitude and bullying mentality your sister has, living off your parents, her low self esteem (she picks on you to bully you because she feels worthless or powerless in life) and her drug and alcohol problems, she's not going to get very far in life while the parents are enabling her behaviour.

As for the money - your parents are free to help financially by their choice. Maybe they worry that if they don't give more money to her, she'll resort to other means to get money or end up homeless or lose touch altogether with your folks, they probably have worries about her along those lines or maybe are even scared of her and her lifestyle.

I think in another way they think that you stand a better chance in life than your sister and are more capable of being responsible for yourself, in general and financially and have much further to go in life than your sister ever will, right now anyway. Most likely the root of your sister and hate towards you is jealously because most likely in her head you have a perfect life.