Cherry-picking friends for the guest list?

Desk Jockey

Hi all,

I’m wrestling with the guest list for my wedding later this year and I would appreciate your views. I'm finding it really difficult to decide what friends to invite and it’s been really stressing me out. I'm closer to my friends than my family, but I have some people tentatively on the list that I don’t really want there. Depending on the case, the people either got nasty in the last few years, became overbearing, or stopped making the effort, so I let things drift. I figured I didn’t need the stress of keeping up ‘friendships’ with these people, but most of them assume they will get an invite soon because we were once close /I was at their wedding.
I know lots of people who’d say not to invite them, but we still have some mutual friends in common whom I do want there, so I feel obliged to include them because they are part of a group. The max number of guests is 150 so I have to make choices anyway about who to prioritise, but I could prioritise them if I really want to.
So far, my tactic has been to include them on the list until the time came when I need to make solid decisions and send invites, but that time is approaching soon and I’m still in a fix. I’m really struggling with the whole thing. It seems like I can:
a. Invite them to the full thing, pretend we are all still friends like we were 5-10 years ago, and hope that I don’t have to see them much on the day
b. Invite them only to the afters, while inviting the rest of the gang to the full thing, and maybe make everyone feel awkward that I am cherry-picking
c. Don’t invite these ‘friends’ at all because I really don’t want them there and this is meant to be my day
d. Don’t invite the ‘friends’ or the rest of the gang either – then no-one is offended for being cherry-picked or everyone is offended for being excluded
Someone told me to pick the option that is least stressful for me. Up to now, that’s been to include them instead of having the hard conversations about why I don’t like them / consider them as friends any more, but I do need to make definitive decisions soon.
I know I could keep going in circles with this, but I would really like to hear from anyone who has either cherry-picked in their groups of friends, or who has been cherry-picked, and hear how it went. I’m wrestling between following my own heart & minimising the inevitable fallout, so I’d like to know if anyone’s been through this already.
Thanks

SuePal

Def do what suits you. If they are drifting away anyway I wouldn't worry too much about what they think. To be honest if they are not that close you might be doing them a favour by just inviting them to the afters, saving them the expense of coming to the 'full' wedding and you can moderate the invite by saying that numbers were limited but you would love to see them at the afters.

I went through the whole 'limited numbers' thing as we only had room for 75 at my wedding with no afters. Trust me when I say if you don't really want them there, they probably don't want to go either. Go with you gut and most importantly enjoy the day!

seamus

You've pretty much answered your own question there.

Desk Jockey wrote: »

c. Don’t invite these ‘friends’ at all because I really don’t want them there and this is meant to be my day

If you don't want them there, then don't invite them. Not even to the afters. The afters are for people in the category of, "I would like to see you, but you're not one of my close friends".

Tbh, I agonised most over those people and even hastily invited one a week before the wedding when I realised I was wrong to not invite her but had invited her mates.

My simple litmus test was, "Have I even spoken to this person (i.e. not just likes on facebook) since I got engaged?". If not, then they were cut.

Dolbert

Would you invite them to a big party, say your 30th? If no, then don't...

Sleepy

All couples are almost certain to get refusals from some guests they'd love to have there so a "second round" of invites after you've gotten x number of refusals isn't unheard of

John Mason

we are having 40 at our wedding and we are having more friends than family.

why? cos its our day and we want to.


invite the people you want and to hell with anyone else.

tinkerbell

My opinion is WHY would you invite people to one of the biggest days of your life if you don't even want them to be there, but are inviting them just to "keep the peace"? It's not cherry picking, it's inviting your closest friends. Just because you were friends with people 5-10 years ago, doesn't mean you have to invite them to your wedding. You gotta be ruthless. I don't understand why people think that just because it's a wedding, they expect an invite - regardless of how you aren't friends with them anymore.

So invite who you want. At the end of the day, if you're barely friends with these people anyway that you are not inviting, you're not gonna be hanging around with them much anyway after the wedding. So it's not gonna make any difference in your friendship with them. It'd be different if you were snubbing your best friend or something. Weddings are expensive, your numbers are limited. If you don't want them at the afters either, just don't invite them.

greenbicycle

We made a rule that if we hadn't socialised with a friend in the past year they weren't invited. There were obviously exceptions made for those who were away travelling and the like. . . .

We told people who enquired about the list that we were doing it this way too and it seemed fair to most people! Not that we needed to be fair, it was our wedding!!

Desk Jockey

Thanks all.
I know the logic on it but the emotions have been a whole other story--good old guilt and obligation were twisting me in knots. As it is, I already decided to include aunts & uncles for a "quiet life" but after that, I wanted to really prioritise with my friends. Of course, my 'friends' from above were closer to me than most of my relatives ever were, so there is an argument that they would get higher priority than my family. I figure, though, that family are always family but friends like these have already drifted away.
What a minefield--we should elope, lol! Thanks for the support

byhookorbycrook

Don't do second round invites, it's a real insult.

Bride2012

Just invite the friends that you want there. I got an invitation last year from a girl who I had been friends with for a while but bad not seen in about two and a half years, I was shocked and honestly felt awkward about accepting. Go with the year thing apart from people who are abroad etc.

LadyTBolt

Desk Jockey wrote: »

c.[/SIZE][/FONT] Don’t invite these ‘friends’ at all because I really don’t want them there and this is meant to be my day

Do you really want to look down at your wedding reception and see people there who you really do not want there and are only there because you felt obliged to invite them?
I've applied that rule for my own guest list and whether it be friends or family if I am not close to them or value their friendship/relationship I won't be inviting them. Fair enough my mother was a bit put out when I told her I won't be inviting some of her brothers and sisters but in all fairness it's my day and I will decide the guest list.

OP - if you are not close to these historic friends that you feel obliged to invite by not inviting them you are sending a clear message you do not consider them as part of your circle and nobody has to pretend or believe otherwise anymore. It's a hard but brave choice to make - but make the decision that will make you happiest.

Part of the excitement for me is every single person attending our wedding will be somebody who we want there and will make us happy by being there. If there was one person to take that feeling away from me its enough for me not to invite them.

Gatica

A number of posters already made the clear and valid point, if you don't want someone there, don't invite them. I can understand exceptions being made in the case of family, as for me personally it would've been unthinkable not to invite aunts and uncles (unless we had a tiny private wedding).
However, in terms of friends you don't really see that much and are not that close to any more, just cut them out. We all go through hundreds of acquaintances in a lifetime - school, college, workplaces... Some you become better friends with, some drift apart, that's life. You can't ignore the fact and stick your head in the sand. If your friendship's over, both have to accept it and move on, like any other relationship. Don't invite these people just because. Ask yourself, would it make you happy to see them there on your wedding day as you walk down the isle?

I can understand the guilt and the agonising, as it's more easily said than done. We had to pick which friends or which cousins got to come. We did not invite people just because we were invited to their wedding aeons ago. There's some guilt, for me at least, but there's also satisfaction at knowing you've done right by you.

Desk Jockey

Yeah, it's loaded with guilt. I find it easier to exclude the single friendships where maybe we were friends years ago but have since drifted & they don't know anyone else at the wedding anyway. That bit is fairly straightforward. But it's the friends that were part of a group that I am agonising over, esp if they're still close to someone that I want to invite. I can imagine them comparing notes, feeling snubbed & hurt. Rightly or wrongly if I exclude people now it sets the tone of how I really feel, and it's like giving them 2 fingers instead of just letting things drift naturally. That's why I've been so reluctant to cherry pick.

Of course, I've been under pressure to include the aunts & uncles, neighbours & some of my parents friends, so I'm feeling the pressure from all sides & that's another issue. Why do people assume that wedding = party thrown for their benefit?! I mean, I'm trying to wrap my head around the whole notion of actually getting married for the rest of my life, without feeling like I have to play hostess to a large crowd too.

carolinespring

Only invite the people ou really want at your wedding. It is your day and you want to remember it a amazing day for you as a couple.

We only invited close friends and family that we really wanted to be with us. Now as time as gone on I wish I had inited a few friends that I was not really that close to at the time but now would be very close to, but at the time we did what was right for us.

If this group are going to stress you I would say leave them out.

Seomra Mushie

Desk Jockey wrote: »

Depending on the case, the people either got nasty in the last few years, became overbearing, or stopped making the effort, so I let things drift.

These are all very good reasons for not inviting a person to your wedding. Don't invite them. And stop worrying!

Gamb!t

I too had the same problem.Unfortunately I was put in an awkward position by my parents who got carried away and started inviting some of their friends without even consulting us first,not too mind the wedding venue hadn't even been decided.

We eventually just got ruthless with the list cut people that we don't see anymore(that are friends of a group),cousins we don't see,people that asked us to their wedding(some we went to,some we didnt).

At the end of the day weddings are expensive and due to the large numbers we couldn't afford a huge wedding of 200+ people(not that we wanted it that size anyway) so we cut the list and got a nice venue.

Gatica

Desk Jockey wrote: »

Yeah, it's loaded with guilt. I find it easier to exclude the single friendships where maybe we were friends years ago but have since drifted & they don't know anyone else at the wedding anyway. That bit is fairly straightforward. But it's the friends that were part of a group that I am agonising over, esp if they're still close to someone that I want to invite. I can imagine them comparing notes, feeling snubbed & hurt. Rightly or wrongly if I exclude people now it sets the tone of how I really feel, and it's like giving them 2 fingers instead of just letting things drift naturally. That's why I've been so reluctant to cherry pick.

Of course, I've been under pressure to include the aunts & uncles, neighbours & some of my parents friends, so I'm feeling the pressure from all sides & that's another issue. Why do people assume that wedding = party thrown for their benefit?! I mean, I'm trying to wrap my head around the whole notion of actually getting married for the rest of my life, without feeling like I have to play hostess to a large crowd too.

Wrt the parents' friends - if they are paying towards the wedding, I think it's not unusual for parents to invite some guests. Since your venue is only <150, you'll have to prioritise the friends and the family you want there first, then the rest, if decide to have any more. So make your list of people you want there and if there's room AND you don't mind having some strangers or neighbours there because your parents couldn't resist inviting them, let them know there's so many places available.
However, if you're paying for the wedding yourself, I don't think parents have any say in the wedding arrangements whatsoever. Let them know early though so they don't go invite-mad and then have to go back on "word, their invite.
Make sure you let them down easy, as some parents can take it as a personal offence. Let them know how important it is for you to have people you love and feel close to there, and they're part of that group; that you don't want that diluted by people you barely know.