Starting a relationship (age gap).

LegacyUser

Hi,

I often read these threads and have found that people have offered some sound advice so I'm going to share my story and hopefully get advice.

I am a female in my mid-twenties. I've never been in a relationship. I've had flings etc throughout my life but never anything that lasted. I have always had confidence issues and low self-esteem which I have dealt with and almost overcome. I have been overweight most of my life, however I've gotten things in control and hence upped my confidence and met lots of men in the past few months.

I've always been attracted to older men, I'm very interested in politics, current affairs and literature and feel I have more in common when dating an older man.

I met a gentleman (Alastair) who is 15 years older than me some months ago. From the outset he was keen that we start a relationship. He understood me, realised my issues and was very accommodating when I said I wasn't sure. Over the months he has cooled off, I wanted to maintain our situation without committing and other men came and went but my mind always strayed to Alastair.

The main thing putting me off was the age gap, my parents are but 10 years older than him so closer in age to him than I am! Other than that I realise that he may wish to settle down, I've not ever had a relationship of exclusivity to compare with so feel that I am in uncharted territory.

He is still there unrelenting in his wishes but keeping a distance all the same. I miss him and love his company and am deeply attracted to him. He has no kids and no ex wives to worry about. He has similar interests and educational background to me and we just get on. My parents actually seem approving, although I have shaved a couple of years of the age difference.

I might add that we have long distance and hectic work schedules between us which makes things even more difficult.

After that long winded outpouring, should I bite the bullet? Try out this new situation and commit to a relationship with him? Is it worth it and how do I know when I should?
Thanking you in advance!

-Rebecca

PlainP

You should definitely go for it. You only live once. You say in your post that you think he may want to settle down...Do you know this for sure though?

The age gap shouldn't be a issue if you have the same interests which you both seem to have.

The work and distance issuses can always be accomodated for if you are both willing to make the necessary changes.

The fact that this would be your "first" LTR is in itself a very exciting time and you should be on cloud nine.

Go for it, life is so short and you should enjoy every moment.

Good luck.

I am a friend

Definitely go for it. I know of two very happy couples with the same age gap.

P. Breathnach

A 15 year age gap is inappropriate when the younger party is a teenager, mainly because the teenager probably still has some growing-up to do. When the younger party is 25 or so, it's not a serious impediment, because you can reasonably expect that both parties are fully mature.

tbh

Rebecca117 wrote: »

After that long winded outpouring, should I bite the bullet? Try out this new situation and commit to a relationship with him? Is it worth it and how do I know when I should?
Thanking you in advance!

-Rebecca

you're not getting married to him! give it a go, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.

midnight_train

Hi OP,

One of the great loves of my life was 40 and I was 26 when we started going out.

I don't regret the relationship because we had some wonderful times together, but I will say to you to be careful to keep your own independence - in my experience, my older ex really tried to be the boss of our relationship.

I didn't realize it happening until we'd gotten into a pattern of him always being in control of decisions, money, etc etc. I was miserable in the end.

Just go in with eyes wide open and try to maintain an equal partnership.

Good luck! xx

Emme

The age gap isn't the issue but if you really want to commit to somebody you shouldn't feel any hesitation about doing so. You seem to like him so why the hesitation? Imagine if he was only 5 years older - what would you do? If the answer is "yes, I would commit to him" then go for it, the extra 10 years shouldn't be a problem. He might want to start a family sooner rather than later but that's something you can work out between yourselves if it goes that far.

pwurple

There's a general rule of thumb about max age differences, Half the age plus seven. Not set in stone obviously, but a useful yardstick for knowing when a gap is bordering on being a little icky. The older both people are, the bigger the gap.

So if you're 20, the youngest person you would go out with by this rule would be (20/2 + 7) 17.

36 year old would work out to a 25 year old partner at the youngest

40 would be 29

A 76 year old works out to as young as a 45 year old.

But then, everyone is different.

solerina

I agree with the posters above, Go FOR IT, in general once someone is over 25 or so the differences between people seem much less (my friend is very happily married to a man 26 years older than her !!)

LegacyUser

I am in an age gap relationship (22 years) and I was also concerned with the age gap when we first met. We have been together for 3 years now though, and I have never been happier.

People will judge you, we always get looks when we go out for a meal somewhere or walk down the street holding hands. If you care what other people think, then it will get to you. If you're like me, and couldn't care less, then go for it.

LegacyUser

My best friend is 27 and married her fella before xmas, he is 45, they have a 5 year old daughter and i can truly say theyre happy from what i see. they both get on with each others families.
I personally am a magnet for older men, i'm not saying this in a bragging way, it bugs the hell out of me! doesnt matter wherre i'm out, if there's anyone over 40 he's in my face, or older even.

If you're happy , go for it!! don't worry about other people opinions.