5 Months, Still haven't met his friends.

LegacyUser

I'm with a guy 5 months and I still haven't met his friends. He's 24 I'm 22. He has met mine. In past relationships I usually meet the friends after 2-3 months. My friends say this isn't good at all and have suggested he may be seeing someone else, i'm not sure if this is true as we have one mutual friend and we have made it public on fb but I guess it could still be the case, fb doesn't mean much after all. I feel as though he is ashamed of me and is hiding me away! I have brought it up with him but he brushes it off.
His last gf he was with 3 months and he has talked of his friends meeting her so why not me.

Some friends have suggested I use an ultimatum and dump him if I don't meet them soon.
Is he just a cautious guy or is there more going on here.

Thanks for the help.

Bipolar Joe

Why does it matter, out of interest? If you're thinking about dumping a guy over something so trivial, which will happen at one point or another any way, then I don't think this relationship is on particularly solid ground already.

EDIT: Also, your friend sounds like an asshat.

Princess Peach

Try talking to him again if its worrying you that much, and tell him you are concerned about it, and how it is making you feel.

Don't listen to what your friend says. Every couple is different, and some hang out in crowds all the time and some keep friends and relationships separate. Whatever works for them.

Don't jump to conclusions so easily. Maybe his friends are jerks are he doesn't want you to meet them?

Ickle Magoo

IsThisNormal565 wrote: »

Is he just a cautious guy or is there more going on here.

Not sure how we are supposed to know that OP...why don't you ask him what the issue with meeting his friends is, if it's really bothering you? I'm not sure how you know about his ex and when she met his friends but I wouldn't set this up as any kind of competition or comparison...and I certainly wouldn't pay any heed to advice to offer ultimatums; insecurity and threats are generally not healthy things to build relationships on.

Just approach him for an adult conversation, lay your cards on the table and ask he do the same...if you want your relationship to last it's the only way to deal with the issues that will inevitably crop up.

All the best, OP. :cool:

ProfessorWeeto

IsThisNormal565 wrote: »

Is he just a cautious guy or is there more going on here..

I'll be the most frank poster in this one

I have seen both sides of the fence in regards to your situation. A person keeping their parter at arms lenth from their 'circle' out of personal fears from previous bad experiences (etc) and I have also seem the same done because they were playing the field behind their so called "partners" back :rolleyes:


As it stands you have reason for concern. As you currently don't know whats at play. Nither do I or anyone else who gets back to this. So this is why you have to talk to him.

Put it to him and see what he has to say. Theres only 2 outcomes to this conversation... he'll either be honest and discuss why he does so or he'll fob you off/lie to you .... If its the second your friends are right in dumping him.

Tip, you can't build a relationship on assumption.

firedancer

maybe he doesn't have any friends, making himself sound popular to you talking about people who aren't really his friends. it's possible

pickarooney

He probably just does guy stuff with his friends and doesn't think you'd fit in.

daisybelle2008

IsThisNormal565 wrote: »

My friends say this isn't good at all and have suggested he may be seeing someone else, i'm not sure if this is true
I feel as though he is ashamed of me and is hiding me away! I have brought it up with him but he brushes it off.

Listen, if there is some doubt in your head that he may not be single and the fact that you feel as though he is ashamed and hiding you away, is alarm bells for me. Not really about him so such.
Are you a very insecure person?

You don't sound like you have a lot of self-esteem or confidence if that could even cross your mind.

Maybe your friends know you and the situation well enough that they are right to be concerned.

But it is either your massive insecurity or your gut instinct giving you the warning bells, either way I would see it as a sign to maybe be single for a while and get some confidence about myself before entering a relationship.

Looking for security in a relationship is a bad idea, you need to be self-secure beforehand for it too go well.

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone

Thanks for the helpful replies. First off I'm not thinking of ending anything, I like my bf very much, that is just what I have been advised to do. I am not here to get advice regarding the company I keep and them being "asshats" or not. Obviously I want to work on the relationship which is why I'm asking for advice here.

All I want to know is

Is it normal to have not met his friends after 5 months (six months next week which is half a year, quite a long time). The reason I find this unusual is that in previous relationships I have met my partners friends before 3 months at the most.

As Sunflower 27 said in my other relationships it also has been a very natural process that tends to happen quickly. We were both proud of each other and wanted to show each other off. I really like my bf and think he is very handsome and charming and fun and I really wanted my friends to meet him, should it not be the same for him

There have been a number of times when we have been in town and his friends have text him inviting him somewhere, I was up for going and he said no. Another instance we were both in pubs next door to one and other, I wanted to come over and say hi and he said no.

His other friends do have girlfriends, the reason I posted this thread was because the mutual friend we have posted on fb tagging himself the girl he is seeing, my bf's other friend and the girl he is seeing a few weeks and my bf out in a bar together and it made me sad I wasn't invited.

@daisybelle I don't think he is seeing someone else. I never said I did, in fact I said I didn't think it was true, it was just suggested to me. I am perfectly secure and ready for a relationship, i think its perfectly acceptable to feel a little miffed that I have asked him many times could I meet his friends and he said no.

Thanks

R.D. aka MR.D

Those examples you have given does sound a little bit strange.

You should definitely talk to him about it in a serious way. See what he says.

For me personally, if those things happened to me and the guy didn't make at least some effort to introduce me then I would be angry.

Dubhlinner

IsThisNormal565 wrote: »

Hi Everyone

Thanks for the helpful replies. First off I'm not thinking of ending anything, I like my bf very much, that is just what I have been advised to do. I am not here to get advice regarding the company I keep and them being "asshats" or not. Obviously I want to work on the relationship which is why I'm asking for advice here.

All I want to know is

Is it normal to have not met his friends after 5 months (six months next week which is half a year, quite a long time). The reason I find this unusual is that in previous relationships I have met my partners friends before 3 months at the most.

As Sunflower 27 said in my other relationships it also has been a very natural process that tends to happen quickly. We were both proud of each other and wanted to show each other off. I really like my bf and think he is very handsome and charming and fun and I really wanted my friends to meet him, should it not be the same for him

There have been a number of times when we have been in town and his friends have text him inviting him somewhere, I was up for going and he said no. Another instance we were both in pubs next door to one and other, I wanted to come over and say hi and he said no.

His other friends do have girlfriends, the reason I posted this thread was because the mutual friend we have posted on fb tagging himself the girl he is seeing, my bf's other friend and the girl he is seeing a few weeks and my bf out in a bar together and it made me sad I wasn't invited.

@daisybelle I don't think he is seeing someone else. I never said I did, in fact I said I didn't think it was true, it was just suggested to me. I am perfectly secure and ready for a relationship, i think its perfectly acceptable to feel a little miffed that I have asked him many times could I meet his friends and he said no.

Thanks

You're perfectly right to be miffed. There's definitely some odd reason for it. First off the amount of time and second you've asked to meet them as well as had opportunities to do so.

Few possibilities:

Seeing someone else - seems unlikely given you're announced in a relationship on facebook.

Unsure about you in some way. ie doesnt think you're smart or attractive enough for him and isn't sure about you. Meeting friends is in some ways adding a layer of commitment to a relationship as you may become friends with them.

Jealous of a mate/mates. Perhaps he is scared you will find his mates more attractive than him. Maybe a past girlfriend fell for one of his mates and he's terrified of it happening again.

Whatever the reason he owes you an explanation. Have you met his family?

firedancer

OP, after reading that about him being tagged with his friends + their girlfriends in fb , yes, his behaviour is odd.

No, you are not being insecure, in fact, the longer you leave this without resolution then it will create insecurity in you.

good luck I sense you will need it with this guy.

firedancer

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Listen, if there is some doubt in your head that he may not be single and the fact that you feel as though he is ashamed and hiding you away, is alarm bells for me. Not really about him so such.
Are you a very insecure person?

You don't sound like you have a lot of self-esteem or confidence if that could even cross your mind.

Maybe your friends know you and the situation well enough that they are right to be concerned.

But it is either your massive insecurity or your gut instinct giving you the warning bells, either way I would see it as a sign to maybe be single for a while and get some confidence about myself before entering a relationship.

Looking for security in a relationship is a bad idea, you need to be self-secure beforehand for it too go well.

as a Spanish friend of mine used to say ''zis is ze **** of ze bull''

Bipolar Joe

Listen, I was with a chick for a long time, it was about eight months before she met any of my friends, and I didn't know any of hers any better. It's not because we were both with someone else, it's because it was clear that neither would mix. I had nothing in common with her friends and she had nothing in common with mine. It wasn't a big deal.

The Lovely Muffin

It does seem a bit odd OP, especially the examples you have posted.

I am with my boyfriend for nine months this month and have met some of his friends and family and have even been on nights out with some of them.

I started meeting his friend two or three months after we started going out and three months after we were together he introduced me to his family.

Have you met any of this guys family OP?

You need to sit down with him and talk to him about this, if he tries to fob you off or if he lies to you, then it would be reason enough to end your relationship, in my opinion anyway.

LegacyUser

No, i haven't met his family, despite him living with his brother, he used to live with flatmates and I was a frequent visitor to his place, now he says he would rather book hotels

firedancer

Bipolar Joe wrote: »

Listen, I was with a chick for a long time, it was about eight months before she met any of my friends, and I didn't know any of hers any better. It's not because we were both with someone else, it's because it was clear that neither would mix. I had nothing in common with her friends and she had nothing in common with mine. It wasn't a big deal.

Fair enough, that was your experience, but the point here is that the OP wants to meet his friends , why can't she??

I am a friend

Ah here - stay in hotels do you dont meet his brother. Dump the a-hole asap. What does he think you are, a hooker? That's appalling and he is treating you very badly. If you had mentioned this at the start the responses would have been a lot stronger.

Run!!!

The Lovely Muffin

IsThisNormal565 wrote: »

No, i haven't met his family, despite him living with his brother, he used to live with flatmates and I was a frequent visitor to his place, now he says he would rather book hotels

Is this for real?! :eek:

He is taking you for a ride OP (no pun intended), but seriously, he doesn't want you to meet his family or his friends but will only meet you in hotels?!

You should get rid of him A.S.A.P.

As much as you like him, this is no way to be treated, especially not after six months of being together.

daisybelle2008

firedancer wrote: »

as a Spanish friend of mine used to say ''zis is ze **** of ze bull''

firedancer wrote: »

Fair enough, that was your experience, but the point here is that the OP wants to meet his friends , why can't she??

Firedancer, other people are entitled to give their opionion on the OP's situation. What is with the smart comments and criticism of other peoples advise? Why don't you stick to giving your advise not nit-picking other peoples?

OP, your issue gets stranger and stranger. The hotel room thing is very bizarre, so is the not meeting friends in the next pub. You also mentioned in your opening post you feel he may be ashamed of you but then you say he is a great boyfriend. I really do think your friends are genuine in their concern. Main thing is it is making you feel bad, do not sell yourself short and stick around letting your self-esteem errode.

Ickle Magoo

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Princess Peach

I think people are jumping to conclusions here. Perhaps the boyfriend's brother isn't comfortable with having an overnight guest and that's why they stay in hotels. I've stayed in hotels with boyfriends before in my home town due to one or both of us living with family, it was just more comfortable that way.

OP there is no way for you to know why he keeps this part of his life separate until you talk to him, tell him how it is making you feel and ask him to be honest with you. When you know the whole story then you can make a decision on how to move forward.

rainbowtrout

Princess Peach wrote: »

I think people are jumping to conclusions here. Perhaps the boyfriend's brother isn't comfortable with having an overnight guest and that's why they stay in hotels. I've stayed in hotels with boyfriends before in my home town due to one or both of us living with family, it was just more comfortable that way.

OP there is no way for you to know why he keeps this part of his life separate until you talk to him, tell him how it is making you feel and ask him to be honest with you. When you know the whole story then you can make a decision on how to move forward.

That's fair enough, but it would seem that if he's living with his brother and the OP has never met the brother that the OP is not welcome at his flat/house. She doesn't have to stay over, calling round for tea for an hour and meeting the brother and just hanging out shouldn't be a big deal, but it would seem that this isn't even on the table.

He also seems to be actively preventing her from meeting his friends. There must be a reason why.

OP -I would call him out on it and if I didn't get a satisfactory response I would be in agreement with most of the other posters on here, get rid of him.

LegacyUser

OP have you just asked him directly? Honestly doesn't sound odd to me but everyone is different. Some people make a big deal of introducing new partners to family and friends while to others it's not a big to do. Maybe he doesn't like the other guys bringing their girlfriends along when they go out and it's not something he does, you won't know unless you ask. If you don't like the answer then take it from there but relationships only working when the two people can talk to each other.

Regarding living with the brother did you ever consider that maybe it's the brother he doesn't want to introduce to rather then other way around? He could be a slob or not very social, it's easier to lay down the law in a house share then with family so maybe he's embarrassed by his brother, again you won't know unless you ask.

LegacyUser

Sorry guys,

I should elaborate on the hotel thing. I never asked to meet his family as I thought that would be too pushy after 5 months, I have no interest in him meeting my family just yet. I can understand if it would make him uncomfortable. They do know I exist as I have talked to his sis via fb status on his page etc and he did say he has shown them all pictures of me.

Honestly the family thing isn't a big deal, its the friends thing. I'm getting really down about it. I have asked him multiple times and he keeps saying "oh they don't go out too much" or "you shouldn't come tonight my friend is really drunk"

Thanks everyone for the replies

firedancer

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Listen, if there is some doubt in your head that he may not be single and the fact that you feel as though he is ashamed and hiding you away, is alarm bells for me. Not really about him so such.
Are you a very insecure person?

You don't sound like you have a lot of self-esteem or confidence if that could even cross your mind.

Maybe your friends know you and the situation well enough that they are right to be concerned.

But it is either your massive insecurity or your gut instinct giving you the warning bells, either way I would see it as a sign to maybe be single for a while and get some confidence about myself before entering a relationship.

Looking for security in a relationship is a bad idea, you need to be self-secure beforehand for it too go well.

This post was neither mature, constructive or civil for that manner, but a poorly disguised personal attack on the OP, blaming her for bad behaviour being inflicted on her, bordering on abusive, by her boyfriend.

It was hurtful and utterly lacking in compassion.

The OP doesn't need unhelpful derogatory comments aimed at her personality in this way, and I was jokingly dismissing it that's all, in an effort to help this girl out, who is , no doubt, feeling a little fragile already because of how she is being treated by him.

Ickle Magoo

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pencilsharp

IsThisNormal565 wrote: »

No, i haven't met his family, despite him living with his brother, he used to live with flatmates and I was a frequent visitor to his place, now he says he would rather book hotels

Ok, that just sounds like weird and odd behaviour, you need to sit down with him and find out what is going on.

Meller

This kind of thing works different for everyone. Not everybody has one group of friends that they see a lot, or they might not have a lot of friends, full stop (no matter what IMPRESSION you get; you don't know).

I have a tendency to keep all of my friends and social circles quite separate, and even my family have never been familiar with my friends. It's not particularly intentional, it's just how I've always done things, whereas others are more community-orientated and would be more likely to go mad introducing people. It's also sometimes been to do with not wanting to mix totally different kinds of people who would just have nothing in common.

Not everybody does things exactly the same way as you and your friends, which the friends that have been advising you don't seem to realise.

Just ask him out straight, it's not exactly a touchy subject.

daisybelle2008

IsThisNormal565 wrote: »

Sorry guys,

I should elaborate on the hotel thing. I never asked to meet his family as I thought that would be too pushy after 5 months, I have no interest in him meeting my family just yet. I can understand if it would make him uncomfortable. They do know I exist as I have talked to his sis via fb status on his page etc and he did say he has shown them all pictures of me.

Honestly the family thing isn't a big deal, its the friends thing. I'm getting really down about it. I have asked him multiple times and he keeps saying "oh they don't go out too much" or "you shouldn't come tonight my friend is really drunk"

Thanks everyone for the replies

Well not meeting his family is one thing, but to be staying in hotels to avoid meeting a brother he lives with seems extreme. If you are getting down about it and being brushed off, that would mean you need to decide for yourself if it is a deal breaker.
It is sad that you are even speculating the reason may be because he is ashamed of you. Noone should feel like that in a relationship. What does your one mutual friend think the reason could be?

Princess Peach

IsThisNormal565 wrote: »

Sorry guys,

I should elaborate on the hotel thing. I never asked to meet his family as I thought that would be too pushy after 5 months, I have no interest in him meeting my family just yet. I can understand if it would make him uncomfortable. They do know I exist as I have talked to his sis via fb status on his page etc and he did say he has shown them all pictures of me.

Honestly the family thing isn't a big deal, its the friends thing. I'm getting really down about it. I have asked him multiple times and he keeps saying "oh they don't go out too much" or "you shouldn't come tonight my friend is really drunk"

Thanks everyone for the replies

I would say ask him again, but make the focus of the conversation on how the situation is making you feel, rather than just a simple question of his behaviors. It's obviously a problem for you and making you feel bad, but he may not realise that is how you are feeling unless you tell him, and let him know it is a big deal for you.