Partner and money

LegacyUser

My partner and I have been together for 2.5 years and living together for almost 2 years.
When we first moved in together we came to an agreement that they would pay the rent and I would sort the bills and shopping, this worked fine.

Just over 6 months ago we moved into a house and naturally the rent was dearer, as were the expenses that come with that - esb, gas, bins etc.

I was asked recently to start contributing to the rent, a small amount, less than 100E a month. I'm disgusted at the request. And I've been thinking about our relationship and the money end of things lately in depth.

We both earn roughly the same wage each week. I do the shopping, pay the bills, look after our pets etc. My partner commutes to work and pays the rent.

They refuse to get a joint bank account as "their parents never bothered with that" and it seems to be a "that's your money and this is mine" scenario.

If it comes to Thursday and I'm broke I have to "borrow" 20E or whatever I need off them.
I will not get away with not paying them back, not that I try to evade repayment, I hope you understand what I mean.

However if they need something be it a deodorant or underwear or present for their family I have absolutely no problem picking it up if I have the money. I don't demand the money back.
It might not seem like it but my partner is not a miser. I'm not trying to make it out like they are. I get spoiled at birthdays, Xmas etc.

They just seem to be a bit strange with some aspects of money.
Maybe I'm over-reacting and this is normal?

Just we're planning on getting married soon and I'm wondering what things will be like then if they are this strange now!

vetinari

Can you work out how much you each are paying towards bills each month?

Tbh, I would be surprised if your bills add up to the total rent but I don't know your expenses. That's the crux of the issue if you're both earning the same wage. Your partner might feel that he's paying more than 50% now.

StillWaters

It made sense to have a renegotiation regarding the arrangement when you moved into a more expensive place.

You say your salaries are equal, but is your expenditure? Does the bills, shopping etc = rent?

You do have different attitudes to money, and this needs to be discussed and addressed now, before marriage! Neither attitude is wrong, but they are different.

I presume you would like a joint bank account. Is he willing to compromise and set one up just for bills and rent, and you both transfer an equal amount into it, keeping the rest of your money separate? Then splitting the shopping 50/50?

I don't think you should be purchasing gifts for his family or his underwear from your money. He is a grown man, he can shop for and buy these himself!

LegacyUser

Ideally yes I would like a joint bank account but only because to me whatever we earn is OURS. It's not like I'm going to go mad and spend all HIS money. We're meant to be working together towards the same goal, no matter who's money it is.

And yes I have worked it out. I kept every single receipt just as an experiment and I ended up paying more than rent. In fairness the TV licence was there and the vets bill for our pets which normally wouldn't be there but that's the point, he pays rent and I do everything else.


As for the point about he should pick up stuff himself, I don't mind doing that. Is that not what a partnership is about? The little things to support each other?
Like tomorrow I'll go the chemist to get him Lemsips because he has a cold. I won't be demanding the 4e or whatever back, I'll get them because I care about him.


I guess you're right and our attitudes are just different.

It's just very frustrating at times.

coco_lola

How much is your rent? I would be very surprised if all the shopping, bills etc added up to rent.

As an example, rent for our 2 bed apartment is €1100 a month. Our shopping costs €250 a month (approx), and bills come in at about the same. So totalling at €500. That's nowhere near the same as the rent.


Then again, your rent may be lower/bills higher. Just trying to see the other side.

Elmidena

Keep receipts and at the end of a billing period, compare it to the rent total. If you're on roughly the same wage and your bills are lower, he's probably tried to tide things over for a while to protect you/offer financial security but is no longer able to keep up the ruse. If you are to be married then you need to learn how to communicate with each other. You've been raised differently; he's probably been told all his life not to be stuck with a gold digger and so takes it to unusual extents, but you being OK with buying pressies or essentials means you have a kind tendency. To lose that to bitterness that it's one-way would be an utter shame.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you know how much the rent is?
Does he know how much the bills accumulate to each month?

If you are going to be married at some stage, you need to know how to communicate properly with each other. So rather than he asking you for something, and you being "disgusted by the request", this should have presented the ideal time for you both to sit down with your income/expenditure and figured out what needs to change now that your circumstances have changed.

He knows the rent is now higher than it used to be, but probably thinks the bills are still much the same - you're not eating more food just because you live in a bigger house, or using more electricity etc.

There may be expenses you pay that he doesn't realise - for example the TV licence, vet bills etc.

Just because he paying the rent and you paying the bills "is the way it's always been", doesn't mean it's the way it always has to stay. Now is your perfect oppurtunity to sit down together and come up with a plan for now and the future.

Believe it or not you don't actually need a joint account. It works for some, others manage perfectly well without one. The thing is not to go by what your parents did/didn't do... but find what works for YOU as a couple.

Ickle Magoo

If it's becoming an issue then there really is only one solution - discuss it. You have the option to record all expenditure and either share the costs as you see fit or split the rent 50/50 and keep a record of all other household spending & split that 50/50 too.

I think you also have to be careful about attributing love and other emotion to financial transactions - some people by nature are just very practical and pragmatic about their finances even while in relationships, it isn't necessarily meanness or showing a lack of love. I also think there is little point in buying things for him and then getting bitter about it because it isn't reciprocated or you wouldn't ask for money from him. If the agreement is buy your own then surely the sensible thing to do is to accept that, stick to it and avoid the resentment altogether?

There are precious few things that causes more arguments in relationships than money; especially if there isn't a lot of it around. I'd just accept you are coming from different camps regarding pooling money and thrash out an agreement re bank a/c's and joint finances that you are both happy with ASAP before it becomes any bigger an issue.

All the very best, OP. :cool:

How Strange

We had a similar set-up and on more than one occasion my husband said he was paying more than me so I did a monthly budget including the mortgage and we now pay 50% each.

We set up a joint account just for the outgoings. We also pay towards incidental bills such as motor tax, insurance, tv license.

I'd really recommend having a joint account which you both pay into every month. It makes everything more transparent and means one person doesn't feel they're paying more than the other.

montzarella

my other half and i have our own separate bank accounts and we have a joint account that we both put money into every month to cover the mortgage and bills, that includes things like car tax, electric bill, bins etc.

it works well for us that way as any money that accumulates in the joint account we use towards our holiday fund.

You both just need to talk and figure out what works best for you, there different ways to work things, just different strokes for different folks.

LegacyUser

Like others I'd be very surprised if household bills can anywhere near the cost of rent unless your renting some were really really cheap with a very high cost of living. Myself and my OH split the bills between us so I pay gas and electric and he covers the bins and internet. We worked it out and over the course of the year it pretty much evens out give or take a couple of quid but rent is 50/50 as there is no way our total household costs would come close to the same cost as the rent. We'd be like your BF in that both sets of parents never had joint accounts and we've no issues with keeping our money as our money but rightly paying our share of what are joint costs. It works for us but I know there are plenty of people on boards who go by the 'whats yours is mine view' when it comes to relationships and think people not willing to do that 'don't really love each other'.

To each his own I say, you need to find a middle ground with your OH that works for your relationship. The system you used at the start might have suited the situation then but things have changed so you need to sit down and relook at your setup. Put all the bills on the table and work out how much your spending on what are joint costs. A middle ground would be maybe opting for a joint account that is just for paying joint costs, your wages still go to your own account and you transfer X amount to the joint to cover your share of the bills. If your both earning around the same wage I don't see why you wouldn't just split everything down the middle.

tbh

get a joint account and pay 1/2 of both your salarys into it. Use it for all communal expenses. The other half, do what you want with. If he's refusing point blank to get a joint account when you've told him it's important to you, that'd be a red flag for me.

squonk

Yeah the joint account is the way to go. I too am surprised that your living expenses = your rent to be honest. The only way to sort the whole thing out is to get a separate joint account and say the rent is 750/month, you and he both pay that amount into the account. If after a few months it's obvious there's a surplus there, then you can half it between you or go on a nice weekend away or something. Anything else and you're both wasting your time. If he doesn't want that, then tell him to wise up or move on.

matrim

I'd say change the arrangement so that you are both paying half of everything rather than splitting things up. That way no one can feel they are overpaying.

Regarding bank accounts, I see no reason for joint accounts when renting. If I was renting with someone not my OH I wouldn't bother with joint accounts and I don't see why renting with my partner makes any difference to that. The only reason I think I'd bother with a joint account is for a mortgage.

It has nothing to do with love or trust, it's just that I prefer to have access to my own money and would rather have the option of having my own bank statements. E.g. if I wanted to make a surprise for my OH I couldn't do that with a joint account as she could see the money coming out.

OldNotWIse

Why dont you split everything down the middle? So split the rent and split the utilities and shopping etc. Every bill that comes in, pay 50/50. Every rent payment 50/50. Every store visit 50/50. Then at least you will know that everything is fair and even. Some people are funny about money. My partner is very secretive about money and she tends to "watch the pennies" fiercely, yet she would never see me out of pocket. I dont bother questionning her ways any more. Hope it works out for ya OP

AnonoBoy

Sounds to me like your partner is paying more than you.

I don't know of a two person household that would pay the same in bills/food as they would in rent.

Have you sat down and figured out how much you are both spending? I think you'll be surprised at how much less you are shelling out per month compared to your partner.

zxcvbnm1

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Sounds to me like your partner is paying more than you.

I don't know of a two person household that would pay the same in bills/food as they would in rent.

Have you sat down and figured out how much you are both spending? I think you'll be surprised at how much less you are shelling out per month compared to your partner.

He is obviously paying way more. No wonder he had enough if it. And you are the one shines disgusted?
Bizarre.

Distorted

moneywoes wrote: »

I was asked recently to start contributing to the rent, a small amount, less than 100E a month. I'm disgusted at the request.

I'm not sure why you would be "disgusted" at such a request, thats a bit of a strange way to describe it. It sounds like your partner has possibly added up the rent and the expenses and come to this conclusion? Have you done the same? It doesn't sound like the arrangement satisfies you anyway, so I think you need to have a proper discussion about finances with your partner.

The sensible thing to do is to have both your names on the tenancy agreement and have it set up so that half the rent comes out of both your accounts. And then if you can't agree on contributions, pay into a joint account for household expenses.

I'm another one who can't see how household expenses can equal rent.

Is this possibly part of a bigger issue, in that you have a more traditional view of a partner, and that they should provide housing for you? If so (and I'm not saying theres anything wrong with that) it doesn't sound as if your partner is prepared to do that, and so you need to think about how important that is to you.

LegacyUser

I'm obviously not making my point clear enough.
He pays rent and I pay absolutely everything else.
I've already said I worked it out and I pay more because I pay for everything. And that month in question included the TV licence and vets bills. His view is that he pays rent so shouldn't have to pay for anything else.
And him asking me to contribute to rent disgusted me.because of the fact that I pay for everything else.
But if I suggest HE help ME out I get me"but I pay rent!"

We do need to sit down and talk about it.
Mod can you close this please thanks