Please help me meet a girl

LegacyUser · 11-04-2012 5:51pm #1

I made an anonymous post yesterday but it never showed up.

I'm a 27 yr old guy who has been in one relationship when i was around 20. This lasted 2 and a half years. She is, to this date, the only girl i have kissed or slept with. I know this is unusual and i can't fully explain why this is the situation. I'm probably intimidated a little by women - maybe a lot, i don't know. I'm uncomfortable approaching a girl in a flirty way - i'm probably more concerned with not appearing to flirt and playing it cool. This is probably to my detriment. I can honestly say that since that relationship, i have never come on to a girl in a pub/club. Not only would i not know how but i just wouldn't enjoy the situation, shouting in her ear and probably not hearing a word she sayd.

There is one girl recently who i fell for in a big way. She is amazing looking and i get on with her well. I asked her out but she made her excuses and that's fine. I might have said the same thing if someone who i didn't feel that way about asked me out. It doesn't make it any less painful however. She's now seeing someone else. This was bound to happen, i know. Girls like her don't stay single for long. As remote as the possibility was, i always held out hope that if she got to know me better maybe she'd like me in that way. That really won't happen now and it's hard to put into words how sad it makes me.

I know now that i need to put myself out there but i don't know where to "put myself". I don't want to be one of those guys with a dozen lines that i cycle through to see which one works. I think i need a more friendly/sober setting to meet girls, but where do they all hang out?! I'm currently doing an IT type course which is full of guys. Before this i studied and worked as a civil engineer - nothing but guys too. Before this an all boys secondary school - in fact i never once went to any disco during secondary school. This probably has a lot to do with my current predicament.

Basically, i need help. I'm really lonely and unbelievably sad about this girl that i can't be with.

firedancer · 11-04-2012 6:45pm

where do you live OP? If you are anywhere near a city, a night course in something like Cookery, or joining a book club which are all quite girly things but girls love guys who can cook!! And some girls like guys who read poetry and who enjoy literature.

gypsy_rose · 11-04-2012 7:06pm

Do any of your male friends have sisters or female friends you could meet? I think maybe you need to just make some female friends first just to get comfortable, sometimes if you've been seperated from the opposite gender for a bit you feel awkward.

LegacyUser · 11-04-2012 7:27pm

where do you live OP? If you are anywhere near a city, a night course in something like Cookery, or joining a book club which are all quite girly things but girls love guys who can cook!! And some girls like guys who read poetry and who enjoy literature.

I live in Dublin and i like the idea of joining either a book club or cooking course. Something being a bit girly wouldn't put me off. I guess i'd be a bit anxious about what kind of age group would be there. But thanks for the suggestions, and i'd appreciate any more if you have them.

gypsy_rose wrote: »

Do any of your male friends have sisters or female friends you could meet? I think maybe you need to just make some female friends first just to get comfortable, sometimes if you've been seperated from the opposite gender for a bit you feel awkward.

It's not that i freeze up around girls or anything. I have female friends, they wouldn't be the people i hang around with, but i might see them once or twice a month. Leaving aside the girl i mentioned in my OP, there is no other girl i'm attracted to. She's pretty much all i think about and i need that to change.

I think the problem is flirting with a girl. I can't bring myself to it. It could be because i don't want to be one of those guys who spouts his cliched bullsh*t, hits a wall and moves on to the next poor girl. Maybe it's down to anxiety or a fear of rejection? Maybe all of them. All i know is that i'm in a pretty bad place at the moment and i need to do something soon to get out of it. I want to be able to do stuff with someone and share things - but i'm lonely as f**k and it's awful.

Benny_Cake · 11-04-2012 7:42pm

imtoolonely wrote: »

I live in Dublin and i like the idea of joining either a book club or cooking course. Something being a bit girly wouldn't put me off. I guess i'd be a bit anxious about what kind of age group would be there. But thanks for the suggestions, and i'd appreciate any more if you have them.

It's not that i freeze up around girls or anything. I have female friends, they wouldn't be the people i hang around with, but i might see them once or twice a month. Leaving aside the girl i mentioned in my OP, there is no other girl i'm attracted to. She's pretty much all i think about and i need that to change.

I think the problem is flirting with a girl. I can't bring myself to it. It could be because i don't want to be one of those guys who spouts his cliched bullsh*t, hits a wall and moves on to the next poor girl. Maybe it's down to anxiety or a fear of rejection? Maybe all of them. All i know is that i'm in a pretty bad place at the moment and i need to do something soon to get out of it. I want to be able to do stuff with someone and share things - but i'm lonely as f**k and it's awful.

I feel your pain, I went through much the same myself until my mid-20s, when I met my fiancee. I think some of us don't have that flirting ability, which isn't a bad thing to be honest! Don't be too hard on yourself though, after all you did recently ask a girl out which is a big step! Ok, you were rejected and it hurts but in the long run you'll probably be glad you tried.

I know it's a bit of a cliche, but have you tried signing up for a dating site? Never did it myself (long time since I was single!) but it has become way more mainstream in recent years and I've lost count of the amount of people I've known who met their partner through this - the Gentlemans Club forum here on Boards has a thread devoted to it. It cuts out that whole pub / club scene which isn't for everyone. The suggestion of joining a club or going on a course is also a good one, even if you don't meet anyone you may develop new friendships, interests or skills. Best of luck!

LegacyUser · 11-04-2012 7:52pm

Benny_Cake wrote: »

I feel your pain, I went through much the same myself until my mid-20s, when I met my fiancee. I think some of us don't have that flirting ability, which isn't a bad thing to be honest! Don't be too hard on yourself though, after all you did recently ask a girl out which is a big step! Ok, you were rejected and it hurts but in the long run you'll probably be glad you tried.

I know it's a bit of a cliche, but have you tried signing up for a dating site? Never did it myself (long time since I was single!) but it has become way more mainstream in recent years and I've lost count of the amount of people I've known who met their partner through this - the Gentlemans Club forum here on Boards has a thread devoted to it. It cuts out that whole pub / club scene which isn't for everyone. The suggestion of joining a club or going on a course is also a good one, even if you don't meet anyone you may develop new friendships, interests or skills. Best of luck!

I've briefly thought of online dating; but, honestly, i don't think i can bring myself to it. I don't think it's how i'd like to meet someone. Meaning no disrespect to anyone, i think it would be a last resort for me. I want to meet someone "normally". I use that word loosely and, again, meaning no disrespect to anyone. Maybe i mean i want to meet a girl through more traditional means.

Elmidena · 11-04-2012 11:45pm

imtoolonely wrote: »

I live in Dublin and i like the idea of joining either a book club or cooking course. Something being a bit girly wouldn't put me off. I guess i'd be a bit anxious about what kind of age group would be there. But thanks for the suggestions, and i'd appreciate any more if you have them.

It's not that i freeze up around girls or anything. I have female friends, they wouldn't be the people i hang around with, but i might see them once or twice a month. Leaving aside the girl i mentioned in my OP, there is no other girl i'm attracted to. She's pretty much all i think about and i need that to change.

I think the problem is flirting with a girl. I can't bring myself to it. It could be because i don't want to be one of those guys who spouts his cliched bullsh*t, hits a wall and moves on to the next poor girl. Maybe it's down to anxiety or a fear of rejection? Maybe all of them. All i know is that i'm in a pretty bad place at the moment and i need to do something soon to get out of it. I want to be able to do stuff with someone and share things - but i'm lonely as f**k and it's awful.

Flirting can mean anything when you're having fun. It doesn't have to be cheesy or sleazy, in fact that's the most off-putting. Just have a laugh and see how it goes...the more natural something feels to you, the easier it will be. Take up a sport or activity that you enjoy and odds are there's going to be a single girl there that you instantly have something in common with. The girl you asked out could have been casually meeting that other guy, and she declined as she was into him already...not that she wasn't into you. Women can also smell desperation a mile off, so the bigger an issue a relationship is, unfortunately it will ultimately just create a bigger roadblock. If you're a regular on boards, why not stick to a forum and pop along to any of the beers? It'll widen your social circle and help out that way if nothing else

LegacyUser · 12-04-2012 9:59am

Elmidena wrote: »

Flirting can mean anything when you're having fun. It doesn't have to be cheesy or sleazy, in fact that's the most off-putting. Just have a laugh and see how it goes...the more natural something feels to you, the easier it will be. Take up a sport or activity that you enjoy and odds are there's going to be a single girl there that you instantly have something in common with. The girl you asked out could have been casually meeting that other guy, and she declined as she was into him already...not that she wasn't into you. Women can also smell desperation a mile off, so the bigger an issue a relationship is, unfortunately it will ultimately just create a bigger roadblock. If you're a regular on boards, why not stick to a forum and pop along to any of the beers? It'll widen your social circle and help out that way if nothing else

I think this is a good idea but i'm kind of stuck for sports/activities to take part in that not only have a majority of girls, but girls that are in my age group. Any kind of activity/work i've ever been involved in have been mostly guys - i don't know where all the women hang out!

12-04-2012 11:57am

imtoolonely wrote: »

I think this is a good idea but i'm kind of stuck for sports/activities to take part in that not only have a majority of girls, but girls that are in my age group. Any kind of activity/work i've ever been involved in have been mostly guys - i don't know where all the women hang out!

You said you're doing a course, if it's in a college are there any societies you could join? That would ensure you had a majority of people your own age.
Other than that an art class might be good - you could easily strike up a conversation about someone's work and flatter them about it without instantly seeming like you've got other motives.

That said, there's no reason to feel uncomfortable about someone knowing you're trying to get with them. It's going to be difficult to get someone's attention if you don't want them to know you like them. I know quite a few guys who sabotage their chances with girls by trying to play it too cool.

Flirting doesn't have to mean stringing a load of lines together. Just be friendly, complimentary and if things seem good, be a bit affectionate.

LegacyUser · 12-04-2012 2:37pm

true-or-false wrote: »

You said you're doing a course, if it's in a college are there any societies you could join? That would ensure you had a majority of people your own age.
Other than that an art class might be good - you could easily strike up a conversation about someone's work and flatter them about it without instantly seeming like you've got other motives.

That said, there's no reason to feel uncomfortable about someone knowing you're trying to get with them. It's going to be difficult to get someone's attention if you don't want them to know you like them. I know quite a few guys who sabotage their chances with girls by trying to play it too cool.

Flirting doesn't have to mean stringing a load of lines together. Just be friendly, complimentary and if things seem good, be a bit affectionate.

Unfortunately, there is no societies i could join - the course is just a part-time thing with no societies.

I guess i really need practice. I'm not sure an Art class would be my thing - but who knows.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but i'm pretty devastated about this girl i like. I think part of the problem is she's a really nice person and would be a great friend but i don't think i can see her again. I feel too strongly about her. I've known her for 6 months and every time i see her or talk to her I get so sad knowing that i won't ever be with her. I think the fact that she's a friend and i have to tell her that i can't see her again - it feels terrible.

LegacyUser · 12-04-2012 5:53pm

Accepting that it is never going to happen is a very hard thing to do. But I think you really need to do exactly as you suggested and tell her you can't be friends in order to fully move on. I know that feeling of that little glimmer of just maybe. You need to be able to get excited about someone else.

It's good that you realise that you need to move on and this is the best solution and also joining a few clubs should help, not just to find someone, but also just distract you too. I know it's hell and the feelings just never seem to move on fast enough. You want to move on and this will happen faster with the few steps you're going to take.

I did a car maintance course in the evenings for the same reason as you, well actually I thought it would be actually useful to have too, there were a lot of girls there, unfortunately for me, since I'm on the other side! I guess I hadn't thought it through that guys don't need to be taught how to fix a car! Silly me, will be trying something else instead, I don't know what yet, maybe photography or something. So in the same boat as you too, so hang in there, I'm sure we're not the only ones. Doesn't feel great me saying that to you now at the moment I know.

I don't like the OTT flirty guy in the bar. I like a guy just being able to have a normal conversation with me in the bar and be himself. Just talk and maybe a laugh and then an accidental touch of hands or arms, and maybe see that we both like the same pizza toppings and friday night movie. And that makes it all sound so easy to happen and yet I'm waiting too for it to be that easy. I hope you find someone that likes you as much as you like her and I really believe you will, as much as I believe I will too.

Everything has a funny way of working out in the end. All the best. Be strong you'll get there. All the best.

LegacyUser · 13-04-2012 7:03pm

red tshirt wrote: »

Accepting that it is never going to happen is a very hard thing to do. But I think you really need to do exactly as you suggested and tell her you can't be friends in order to fully move on. I know that feeling of that little glimmer of just maybe. You need to be able to get excited about someone else.

It's good that you realise that you need to move on and this is the best solution and also joining a few clubs should help, not just to find someone, but also just distract you too. I know it's hell and the feelings just never seem to move on fast enough. You want to move on and this will happen faster with the few steps you're going to take.

I did a car maintance course in the evenings for the same reason as you, well actually I thought it would be actually useful to have too, there were a lot of girls there, unfortunately for me, since I'm on the other side! I guess I hadn't thought it through that guys don't need to be taught how to fix a car! Silly me, will be trying something else instead, I don't know what yet, maybe photography or something. So in the same boat as you too, so hang in there, I'm sure we're not the only ones. Doesn't feel great me saying that to you now at the moment I know.

I don't like the OTT flirty guy in the bar. I like a guy just being able to have a normal conversation with me in the bar and be himself. Just talk and maybe a laugh and then an accidental touch of hands or arms, and maybe see that we both like the same pizza toppings and friday night movie. And that makes it all sound so easy to happen and yet I'm waiting too for it to be that easy. I hope you find someone that likes you as much as you like her and I really believe you will, as much as I believe I will too.

Everything has a funny way of working out in the end. All the best. Be strong you'll get there. All the best.

I'll be honest, i was kind of hoping someone would say, "that's ridiculous, she's your friend - you don't just not see her again". It really is the last thing i want to do. If i wasn't in love with her she'd be nothing but a positive influence in my life; she's friendly, outgoing and always thinking of others. She seems too good a person to let go. And if i was to tell her i can't see her again, then i have to tell her the truth, i can't just make up something nor do i want to just say nothing and ignore her. I wish i could just flick a switch and not feel anything for her.

LegacyUser · 13-04-2012 10:53pm

Well it depends really how good friends you are I suppose, part of your core group of friends or friend of a friend? I assumed since you said you were hoping maybe that she got to know you better, then that you weren't 'that' close of friends. depends on how much your heart can take seeing her every so often. Its not easy to tell someone that you're just finding it too hard seeing them with some one else at the moment and need some space for a while.
Then as you said you don't want to just ignore her so obviously it is too difficult trying to just avoid her.

I don't want to confuse you but just because what I said telling her, doesn't mean it is the best solution to follow in your situation. Every situation is different. I think the majority of people will say at the end of the day is that you need time and need to put yourself out there again.

snafuk35 · 14-04-2012 2:52pm

imtoolonely wrote: »

I made an anonymous post yesterday but it never showed up.

I'm a 27 yr old guy who has been in one relationship when i was around 20. This lasted 2 and a half years. She is, to this date, the only girl i have kissed or slept with. I know this is unusual and i can't fully explain why this is the situation. I'm probably intimidated a little by women - maybe a lot, i don't know. I'm uncomfortable approaching a girl in a flirty way - i'm probably more concerned with not appearing to flirt and playing it cool. This is probably to my detriment. I can honestly say that since that relationship, i have never come on to a girl in a pub/club. Not only would i not know how but i just wouldn't enjoy the situation, shouting in her ear and probably not hearing a word she sayd.

There is one girl recently who i fell for in a big way. She is amazing looking and i get on with her well. I asked her out but she made her excuses and that's fine. I might have said the same thing if someone who i didn't feel that way about asked me out. It doesn't make it any less painful however. She's now seeing someone else. This was bound to happen, i know. Girls like her don't stay single for long. As remote as the possibility was, i always held out hope that if she got to know me better maybe she'd like me in that way. That really won't happen now and it's hard to put into words how sad it makes me.

I know now that i need to put myself out there but i don't know where to "put myself". I don't want to be one of those guys with a dozen lines that i cycle through to see which one works. I think i need a more friendly/sober setting to meet girls, but where do they all hang out?! I'm currently doing an IT type course which is full of guys. Before this i studied and worked as a civil engineer - nothing but guys too. Before this an all boys secondary school - in fact i never once went to any disco during secondary school. This probably has a lot to do with my current predicament.

Basically, i need help. I'm really lonely and unbelievably sad about this girl that i can't be with.

So one woman refused you and you just give up? What's so special about her? Is she the only woman in world?
Stop thinking you can't be with women.
The only person stopping you is you!
It's easy to meet women. If you see a beautiful girl you like wherever you are just go over and talk to her, find out who she is and what she is interested in, have the craic, get her number and ask her out. Simple.
Today is a Saturday and you could go for a walk around Dublin. There'll be girls shopping, girls in cafés, girls in bookshops, girls in parks, girls who are here on holiday who may need a tour guide, girls everywhere. So why don't you go now and chat them up, get their numbers and ask a few of them out.
If you want a girlfriend then decided which one you like and there you go! Another girlfriend.
Just drop the 'I can't do it' attitude and stop feeling sorry for yourself and just do it.

dr gonzo · 14-04-2012 3:25pm

snafuk35 wrote: »

So one woman refused you and you just give up? What's so special about her? Is she the only woman in world?
Stop thinking you can't be with women.
The only person stopping you is you!
It's easy to meet women. If you see a beautiful girl you like wherever you are just go over and talk to her, find out who she is and what she is interested in, have the craic, get her number and ask her out. Simple.
Today is a Saturday and you could go for a walk around Dublin. There'll be girls shopping, girls in cafés, girls in bookshops, girls in parks, girls who are here on holiday who may need a tour guide, girls everywhere. So why don't you go now and chat them up, get their numbers and ask a few of them out.
If you want a girlfriend then decided which one you like and there you go! Another girlfriend.
Just drop the 'I can't do it' attitude and stop feeling sorry for yourself and just do it.

Everything is easy when you can do it. While I agree with you that a change of attitude is required I dont think you grasp just how difficult it can be for some people to approach someone they like.

To the OP, dont worry about flirting or clubs, over thinking those things seems to be putting a fair bit of pressure on you. As another person here has said, in the right context flirting can take many forms, to the point you wouldnt even know you were doing it, doesnt just have to be those rubbish lines. From my own point of view, I do ok with women and I've never met anyone in a club or used chat-up lines or anything, so keep in mind that that scenario works for some people and it doesnt for others, its not the only way!

I agree with most on here when they advise you to take something up. For you I think its just a matter of providing yourself with new environments to meet people, without the pressure of a bar or club.

In regards to the girl youre mad about, only you can decide what the best course of action is there. But theres no denying that youre not going to have much luck with anyone else while you still carry a flame for a different girl so as sh1t as it is, youre just gonna have to move on, whatever way you can.

Good luck dude.

14-04-2012 3:26pm

imtoolonely wrote: »

I've briefly thought of online dating; but, honestly, i don't think i can bring myself to it. I don't think it's how i'd like to meet someone. Meaning no disrespect to anyone, i think it would be a last resort for me. I want to meet someone "normally". I use that word loosely and, again, meaning no disrespect to anyone. Maybe i mean i want to meet a girl through more traditional means.

I'd just like to make a point with regards to online dating -

You don't meet them online. It's where you get talking to them yes, but it's not where you meet. Where you meet is wherever you organize your first date to be. From then, it can evolve "naturally" and in a "traditional" way.

14-04-2012 11:29pm

snafuk35 wrote: »

So one woman refused you and you just give up? What's so special about her? Is she the only woman in world?
Stop thinking you can't be with women.
The only person stopping you is you!
It's easy to meet women. If you see a beautiful girl you like wherever you are just go over and talk to her, find out who she is and what she is interested in, have the craic, get her number and ask her out. Simple.
Today is a Saturday and you could go for a walk around Dublin. There'll be girls shopping, girls in cafés, girls in bookshops, girls in parks, girls who are here on holiday who may need a tour guide, girls everywhere. So why don't you go now and chat them up, get their numbers and ask a few of them out.
If you want a girlfriend then decided which one you like and there you go! Another girlfriend.
Just drop the 'I can't do it' attitude and stop feeling sorry for yourself and just do it.

People have different personalities so meeting girls may not be as easy for some to follow your advice as it would be for others. Alot of women can be quite scathing and immature even to genuine guys in fairness. Credit to you if you can go up to any girl in a bar/cafe/park etc and chat her up though. absolute fair play. but please understand not every guy can muster the courage. i will agree with you in a sense that you have to be in the right frame of mind to be able to talk to girls. Women smell insecurity, desperation etc, so you have to affirm yourself to be a confident person.

snafuk35 · 15-04-2012 2:21pm

Deleted User wrote: »

People have different personalities so meeting girls may not be as easy for some to follow your advice as it would be for others.

Well they just have to overcome that don't they? If a guy has a great sense of fun and exuberience, joi de vivre, is friendly, interesting and romantic then women will fall for him. Getting over fear and insecurity and living in the moment is what it is all about.

Alot of women can be quite scathing and immature even to genuine guys in fairness.

So what? Women do that because they are probably insecure too. They don't like unwarranted attention from men but a man who has his wits about him can win an initially hostile girl over. That's the joy of meeting women. They can often be initially catting and rude but once you show you are unaffect they can often come around.

Credit to you if you can go up to any girl in a bar/cafe/park etc and chat her up though absolute fair play.

What do you mean 'fair play' ? Do you mean you can do it? Have you tried? A man is not going to have any success with the opposite sex unless he believes in himself and believes women will be attracted to him.

but please understand not every guy can muster the courage.

But every guy is going to have to unless he wants to be alone. There's really no either/or. A man should make an effort no matter how hard it may be initially. You have to break through barriers, the majority that are self-created.

i will agree with you in a sense that you have to be in the right frame of mind to be able to talk to girls. Women smell insecurity, desperation etc, so you have to affirm yourself to be a confident person.

As I see it there is no other way. If you don't love yourself nobody else will. You shouldn't be looking for women to complete yourself but you should build a life for yourself that women will want to get involved in.
Pain, regret and heartbreak are part of life and time to time you will feel down or sad. But you have to deal with those feelings and face life head on. While you are thinking you can't do it, the women you can have in your life will turn their attention to other men. You have one life and the clock is ticking.

Please help me meet a girl

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