Excommunicated by best friend

makingSense

This issue has been bothering me for years and none of my other friends have been able to explain offer any guidance on why Betty completely cut me off.

Betty(made up name) have been friends since secondary school. She is very proud, and competitive, intelligent, professionally successful, sporty, good looking, motivated and seemingly well adjusted individual.
During our twenties we grew close, she helped me through lots of issues with break ups, changing career...we now have similar jobs. I in turn have done the same for her. All the usual stuff, swapped clothes, socialised religiously together.

When she bought her house I by pure coincidence had been helped to buy a house in the same town even though I had not as much savings as her due to me having returned to college and so being a few years behind on the career ladder.. My family I guess were in a better financial situation to help me. She always had to have everything perfect...clothes all matching, new and stylish, she often really overspent on these things while I would have been more sensible. It was the same with the house, all the furniture, tiles etc had to be perfect when she moved in. Her own business I guess. Things started to go wrong Around this time. Once I bought something for the house...cheap and cheerful. She never said it at the time but gave me the cold shoulder...I asked her what was Wrong. She is really non confrontational...you just get the silent treatment or dagger looks. Eventually she said I was a coppy cat and that when she started her garden Mary, an older friend of hers agreed that I would start copying that too. This really upset me and looking back now I can't understand why I was so pathetic and allowed her to carry on like this. Mary likes to tell her what she wants to hear i think....anyway Mary and Betty started to leave me out of things around the time I met my now husband. Betty herself was in a happy relationship from before she bought her house. Betty and Mary went for walks and started to go out on their own. One time I remember Betty texting unexpectedly late saying she was going out. I replied that I couldn't,t....think I had a date with my new man and she said that I never went out with them anymore. I was so angry I just let it slide and occupied myself with other friends and yes with the new man. Betty gets engaged and I miss the text until the next morning. I ring her the next day and again get the cold shoulder...all nicey nice but just not friendly. I suppose I should have ran down to her all congratulatory but one would have to know her to understand how dominating and scary she can be. Comes from a big family and is well able to argue her point. Anyway to cut a long story short I worked up the courage a few months later to call to her house and ask her what I had done. Basically her reason for completely ignoring me at her engagement party....small affair that neither sets of parents were at...another long story was that I was not bothered with herself and Mary once I got my man. I cried buckets ...again and tried to explain ....if I had anything to explain and again she broke me down. I asked could we be friends again and. She said she would call up. She called for fifteen min with the excuse of having to collect an uncle who doesn't drive. She wouldnt even have a drink . I remember showing her photographs of a holiday me and my boyfriend had been on...it had been that long since I met her. I was just so nervouse of her I didn't,t know what to say and possbily she thought I was rubbing her nose in it. Her BF now husband rarely goes away as he is a workaholic. Looking back photos of a holiday were abad choice to break the ice. Now three years later and we are both married. We live in the same area, I meet her family all the time ane my husband is close to her brothers. He hates her for what she has done to me. I was depressed for a long time because of this and have had mutual friends asking me to sort it out, what did I REALLY do etc. ultimately I think it's a jealousy thing. My husband spends more time with me ....another coincidence is that he is in a similar job to my husband but he seems to be able to make it pay better/work less hours than her husband.

I think I have gotten over it now but she makes thins do damn awkward when we do cross paths. Mutual friends agree that she is jealous and that even if I had completely abandoned her for a man she should be at least civil.

Anyway...this is one long post. Just wanted some independent input into this. I tried once to offer her the olive branch...I never heard from her since the night she called for fifteen minutes...bar one time during a family tragedy....ten minute phone call. How can I make accidental meetings less awkward or should I continue to pretend that I don't notice???
Cheers everyone

Overheal

I found it a little hard to follow the order of events but the general sense that I get is that Betty Crocker here has decided that she doesn't view you as a supportive influence in her life and has annexed you out of it. This is both nothing you should take personally and a normal thing that people do (though in this case its because of her brooding jealousy and not because you're a bad influence or something).

We all have a natural tendency to surround ourselves with people that motivate, inspire or support us. In her case she's associated you, it would seem, with things she wants but doesn't have, and doesn't feel are within her reach to get. Either the better man, or the better deal on a house, or whatever else the case might be. As a result she's decided to push you away, because your successes apparently rile her up. Similarly I don't exactly fawn over old college buddies that have long since graduated and started careers: I've switched fields and have a long way to go. Not that I've cut them out or anything, nor jealous of them (I made my own decisions and consequences) but I have little to relate to them about right now.

Not going to be the guy to tell you how to act about her. Make up your own mind. But that's my take on her based on what you've told me and I hope that helps fit into your understanding of her.

daisybelle2008

makingSense wrote: »

He hates her for what she has done to me. I was depressed for a long time because of this and have had mutual friends asking me to sort it out, what did I REALLY do etc. ultimately I think it's a jealousy thing. My husband spends more time with me ....another coincidence is that he is in a similar job to my husband but he seems to be able to make it pay better/work less hours than her husband.

I think I have gotten over it now but she makes thins do damn awkward when we do cross paths. Mutual friends agree that she is jealous and that even if I had completely abandoned her for a man she should be at least civil.

I am finding this very hard to understand. You don’t have anything good to say about the girl, you say she is dominating and scary and you are even speculating she is jealous about the hours your husband works vs her husband. You seem very obsessed with her and this situation.

People move on in life and you find you have a lot less in common with come friends you had in school. This happens naturally and unless you keep dramatizing it and victimizing yourself there should be no need for accidental meetings to feel so awkward. Find friends you have more in common and that you actually like. Let the Betty thing go. Ye were childhood friends and she seems happy now and you say you are, so forget it. Maybe stop bitching so much about her and the situation and focus on something positive in your life.

I can’t believe you were ‘depressed’ for a long time over this; you clearly don’t like her and think she is madly jealous of you, so isn’t she doing you a favour distancing herself from you?

I am not sure what you want here.

sillyruby

to be honest you both are adults and you need to act like it. She has obviously been trying to phase you out by giving you the cold shoulder and keeping her distance. No offense but you seem so caught up in her and her life in comparing it to yours you seem to be the one with the problem. Take the hint and leave her alone if you pass her in the street say hi and be civil but thats it. It she doesn't do the same that her perogative it shouldn't bother you.
Get over it and move on you have your own life.

makingSense

All good analysis of the situation. Yes I dwell on the situation too much and need to move on. I know I should not care meeting her and should just shake it off. I guess I was looking for reassurance that wiping her out of my life as much as I can is the appropriate thing. I know I just bad mouthed her, she has her good points and we have both been good to each other over the years. I get embarrassed when her family members notice, but never say anything when we are in the same room and not talking. Indeed all the old friends from school have little contact with her now...again she has noticed I think that they are more successful, have bigger houses etc. I know it sounds so petty, yes I feel a little satisfaction knowing this but my issue I guess is how to deal with her large family still being very much in my life. Eg. Her parents and brothers were at our wedding and of course she wasn't. Thanks so much for replying, just writing this out is good and I don't disagree with your replies. I know I have issues myself, being too conscious about what people think of me. Too sensitive. Thanks you all for your insight

makingSense

In fact her family being in my life is not an issue. They are all very nice and make every effort. I have explained the situation to her cousin ....he just shrugged it off and said "women". He holds no animosity so it's all good. I think its better just to ignore the situation with her closer family. As one reply said...focus on all the good things in my life of which there are so many and deal with my inability to let it go.

daisybelle2008

makingSense wrote: »

. I know I have issues myself, being too conscious about what people think of me. Too sensitive. Thanks you all for your insight

Being too conscious of what people think of you is the price you pay for being so judgemental of what other people have or do. If you look at it this way your post is full of narrow judgements and opinions on her lifestyle and convinced she is 'jealous' of yours. It is kind of a vicous cycle of comparing and measuring yourself and others against each other.
It is a zero sum game. Always one of you are going to come up short in your head and then you either accuse them of jeaslous or yourself of being the poor oversensitive victim.

All this material stuff, house size etc., husbands pay packet and working ours is stupid basis for obsessing over. Try to make peace with her in your head and move on and be happy with your lot and less concerned with what ever any one for school has.

makingSense

You have it in a nutshell daisy belle. It's my issue now and the judgin thing and turning it back on myself has made me really look at my part in this. Thanks, your a clever girl. Any chance you have a quick solution for "making peace with her in my head". In the grand scheme of things it's just so petty and as I say just putting it out there has helped...nobody wants to talk about her anymore, it's only just popped back into my life as one of our mutual friends has been hurt by her recently pushing her out of her life.

daisybelle2008

makingSense wrote: »

You have it in a nutshell daisy belle. It's my issue now and the judgin thing and turning it back on myself has made me really look at my part in this. Thanks, your a clever girl. Any chance you have a quick solution for "making peace with her in my head". In the grand scheme of things it's just so petty and as I say just putting it out there has helped...nobody wants to talk about her anymore, it's only just popped back into my life as one of our mutual friends has been hurt by her recently pushing her out of her life.

Well to be honest the need for external validation means at some level you don't feel good enough yourself. Think only of having some peace and contentment internally. Live in the moment as much as possible and narrow your attention down to what is happening now, not what may happen in the future or what is happening inside her head or house

Hopefully this will stop the need for you to constantly be getting people 'onside' with you in this mental battle/competition with her. (i.e your husband 'hating her' on your behalf :rolleyes:, telling her cousins and friends about the situation just so they can agree with your 'jealousy' theory)

Your negative feelings towards her, are really only a reflection of how you feel about yourself. You keep calling her jealous but you are honestly displaying every bit as much of the same emotion.

People who like themselves tend to have very few enemies and find little or no fault with other people. They tend to value their own happiness more than material things.

Realise everybody is doing the best they can, based on how they were brought up and societys influence and mental conditioning. Even you and Betty! Accept that she and Mary get on better now and be happy for them. Be happy that you have friends and a hubby that are right for you at this time.

makingSense

Yes daisy you are blunt but right. I do have self worth issues and obviously if I had all my **** together this issue , minor as it appears, would not have affected me so deeply. I am posting here because I don't want to be the victim anymore and would love to be less pathetic. I have always realised she does her best, her upbringing etc may have been tougher than mine etc etc etc. I am trying to be honest in saying I am not jealous of her materials/husband or riches. I feel sorry for her in a lot of ways. She has basically cut us all off at this stage while she has moved onto new friends. I am jealous that she is so good at getting on with it...apparently. What I want is a close friend again and have good friends but nobody as close as Betty once was. I know we are never going to be friends again and the onus is on me now to replace her or be a better friend to the friends I do have.

Johnny_BravoIII

TBH I found it incredibly hard to read your original post.
It would be great if you could re-edit it with some more spaces.

Friendships don't last forever.
If they do, they change as people change.
Overheal's explanation is on the right track.

Overall your reasoning for the break-down in the relationship is all over the place.
There's little self-analysis going on.
There are hint's here & there:

She is very proud, and competitive, intelligent, professionally successful, sporty, good looking, motivated and seemingly well adjusted individual.

So in the initial stanges of the friendship there was much to admire?

I by pure coincidence had been helped to buy a house in the same town

What is wrong with wanting to live near friends?
Unless you feel conscience of "copying" your friend

Once I bought something for the house...cheap and cheerful.

Such a minor incident, it has to be questioned why it hurt so much?
So you bought something cheap & fun......she cringed & thought it was tacky, you felt judged for not living up to her high personal standards?
A person with self-confidence wouldn't of felt judged so harshly.

nd that when she started her garden

Everybody is gardening these days.

This really upset me and looking back now I can't understand why I was so pathetic

You felt pathetic because you felt it was true, rightly or wrongly.

Betty texting unexpectedly late saying she was going out. I replied that I couldn't,t....think I had a date with my new man and she said that I never went out with them anymore. I was so angry I just let it slide and occupied myself with other friends and yes with the new man.

This was one incident.
A pattern forms overtime.
If you wished to maintain the relationship you could of easily made the effort to fit them in.

I remember showing her photographs of a holiday me and my boyfriend had been on

She calls up to try and salavage a relationship she believes has broken down due to you running off with your "new man" exclusively .........and you do what.............?

I didn't,t know what to say and possbily she thought I was rubbing her nose in it. Her BF now husband rarely goes away as he is a workaholic.

This is a tangent. You feel like you have a better relationship than her & wish to point this out.
She wanted to talk to you not about your holiday away with "your man"

Overall there's a general sense that originally your admired everything about your mate, who she was, her interests, her relationship, her career.
Due to jealously or inspiration you allowed yourself to be heavily influenced by her in many of your life choices.
My guess is you lacked self-confidence in the 1st place and thought if you had what she has you would be happy.
Her old friend pointed this out & and you realised she was right, became depressed again feeling you had nothing of your own that makes you unique and individually special. You became conscience of your desire to be like her and it made you feel like a loser.

During this time you met a guy. This was a huge occurence in your life. It was probably something you had wanted for sometime & you were so delighted (relieved) that you got carried away. You forgot to make time for your old friend and ye started to drift.

I think it's time you found some self-confidence.
You have managed to build a good life for yourself. Make some hard decisions in terms of careers etc
It's time you came into your own a little and stop letting your hang-ups poison your enjoyment of the life you have around you.
You need to truly realise that everyone has their own talents & worries.
You will never be the equal of those around you because you will always be your own harshest critic.
Focus on yourself, your personal abilities & the things you like to do. Find personal happiness in your own achievements.

If you wish to re-kindle this relationship then there needs to be some honestly on your part for your actions.
Take some self-responsibility.
Forget about half-assed olive branches. Find your mate, sit her down and honestly tell her you have missed her & are sorry for the big mistakes you made in the past.
It's possible the relationship is over, its possible a new relationship may form based on a new grounding.
Eitherway it will help you move on.

makingSense

Sorry johnny ya it's all a muddle. Basically I could not figure out why she cut me out. She may have been jealous that things were moving along nicely for me and that I was happy. Maybe she felt I had abandoned her once I found a stable relationship. She herself had the house the BF the job, all the things I was achieving for myself. One would think we could be happy for each other and even go out as couples, the four of us have very common interest.
Anyway time has moved on and there has been too much bitterness between us. My issue now is purely my own and I need to just let it go and wish her the best in her endeavours. Friends come and go and I guess the ultimate issue is my inability to cope with that. It wasn't like I had cancer or anything but I still need to solve it. The details are unimportant now but basically we fought, she moved on and I need to too.

Thanks for you interest

Johnny_BravoIII

Basically I could not figure out why she cut me out.

There are some real clear indications why she cut you out and they had nothing to do with her jealously of you.

My issue now is purely my own and I need to just let it go

IMO you won't be able to let go until you can accept it, you can't accept it until you understand it, you can't understand unless you are prepared to analysis your own behaviour.

The details are unimportant now but basically we fought, she moved on and I need to too.

The details are important because this is clearly important to you.
She moved on because she has resolved her guilt as to the breakdown in the relationship.
IMO she believes she tried her best. I wouldn't be sure you can say the same.

makingSense

Yes johnny I know why she cut me off but it took me a while. Call me emotionally unintelligent if you like but her reasons were uninformed. Nobody else around felt I had abandoned her, grant it that she was my closest friend and I should have reported ASAP to her any new developments in my life. I did spend less time with her but once I noticed she had been leaving me out of things I tried very early on to amend it. I have no reason to be dishonest here I am doing this to make sense of the situation. There was no pattern forming. I met all my other friends just as regularly. Having been publicly shunned I could not face her and her intimidation and I let it slide I.e lost contact and I most certainly was not a good friend when she got engaged a few months later. I made a half assd effort, bought an expensive present but I didn't want to be around her because of the silent treatment I was getting. I should have faced her off at this time but I was too weak or self pitying whatever you like to call it. I of course made bad choices in how I dealt with it. Anyway the issue as I have said is to get on with it now And to deal with it in a more constructive manner. That's is the one sure thing I have learned today and thanks to all who have helped me come to realise this.

Daisy M

Maybe your inability to cope with the loss of the friendship is stemming from a feeling of rejection. This girl has cut you from her life and it hurts and makes you wonder what you have done wrong or is wrong with you. I think you need to stop worrying about and wondering what other people including her family think of the situation. To be honest I doubt they give it much thought, people have enough going on in their own lives to be getting on with and what happened between you and Betty is probably just ancient history. If they had a problem with you I doubt they would have all came to your wedding.

There has been a lot of similar posts to this on here recently and I have to say I feel really sorry for most of the ops, they describe terrible behaviour from their friends but yet want to make things right again and usually say they miss their friend and had never had such a close friendship. Personally speaking I am of the opinion that they and you have unfortunately never had a really good true friend and dont realise that these friendships are not genuine but very toxic. I hope you will meet people who will be true friends and I suggest you leave all thoughts of Betty in the past.

makingSense

This is all true daisy. I think I a going to park this subject now and get on with my life. Maybe neither of us was a good friend...


QUOTE=Daisy M;78071129]Maybe your inability to cope with the loss of the friendship is stemming from a feeling of rejection. This girl has cut you from her life and it hurts and makes you wonder what you have done wrong or is wrong with you. I think you need to stop worrying about and wondering what other people including her family think of the situation. To be honest I doubt they give it much thought, people have enough going on in their own lives to be getting on with and what happened between you and Betty is probably just ancient history. If they had a problem with you I doubt they would have all came to your wedding.

There has been a lot of similar posts to this on here recently and I have to say I feel really sorry for most of the ops, they describe terrible behaviour from their friends but yet want to make things right again and usually say they miss their friend and had never had such a close friendship. Personally speaking I am of the opinion that they and you have unfortunately never had a really good true friend and dont realise that these friendships are not genuine but very toxic. I hope you will meet people who will be true friends and I suggest you leave all thoughts of Betty in the past.[/QUOTE]

Big Bag of Chips

I think people who constantly think others are jealous of them, would be really very surprised to find out exactly how little other people think about them. You're probably not even on her radar anymore.

I don't think she's jealous of you. At all. I think you may have idolised her a bit, and because you have/had those feelings for her, now think that obviously she must have similiar feelings about you.

My guess is - she couldn't care less.

From your posts, I get the impression you're a little but manic, and maybe a bit intense. If she got the impression that you sort of "hero worshipped" her in the beginning, and then you started copying alot of things she did (you may have done this unconsciously, and not fully realised you were doing it) and then by coincidence bought a house near hers etc.. she might have just gotten sick of you being on her shoulder every move she made, and just tired of you and started withdrawaing the friendship... that sort of thing happens alot.

How does she know how much your husband earns, or how long he works? Why would she care? You say your fella seems to be able to earn more and work less.. how do you know her fella doesn't love working and works longer hours becuase it's what he wants to do.. Are you privvy to his finances? How do you know what he earns?

I think you are far too judgmental of her and her life, and a result of that is you assume she is also making the same judgements of you and your life.

She's probably not.

How to move on from it....
The best thing you can do is stop talking about her to friends, family and cousins. Treat her as anyone else you meet in the town who you "used to know", quick smile and say hello and keep walking.

makingSense

Thanks bag of chips. Brutal but honest. I'm thinking a lot straighter and honest since I started this thread. I'm not going to add any defense on my part as it will only prolong the analysis of what has been waaaaaayyy too analysed. thanks to all who replied. I feel confident now I can understand and tackle this demon in my head. And a big thank you to the poster who recommended Byron Katie, you know who you are. I even ordered her book online!!