Am I over-reacting? Perspectives needed

kisaragi

Hi guys,

I don't post here too often but could use some LGBT perspectives. Will try to keep this post short and sweet, but basically I am having a bit of a relationship issue!

I have been with my boyfriend since last July, we are moving in together this July, and are very serious - he has expressed that he thinks of us as pretty much in it for life. While previously this would have probably frightened the sh*t out of me, despite moving incredibly quickly, I am very happy in the relationship and happy with the serious commitment, no problem there - just for context.

However, my boyfriend has a friend coming to stay with him for 3 weeks during May/June, who has expressed clearly that while he knows he is gay, he refuses to have it mentioned and basically doesn't want to know. This is the only person in the world who my bf isn't out to. This means that for these 3 weeks I can't see my boyfriend, unless the friend is away. This visit was planned before I was on the scene, and their friendship goes way way way back.

So while I don't expect my bf to get rid of his friend for me, I find it basically very hurtful and disrespectful that I am more or less cut out of his life for 3 weeks while he visits. I've been out since I was 15, and would never be friends with someone who couldn't accept me for being gay, so it's hard for me to put myself in his shoes. On one hand I don't want him to have to choose between his long-term friend and me, I can't help but feel a lot of anger and pain about the whole thing. He has repeatedly said to me that he can't be number 2 to someone, but I feel that this is exactly what he is making me.

Not really looking for advice per se, since I don't really have any options apart from putting up with it or breaking up with him. He has shown in many other ways how serious he is about the relationship (e.g. turning down a large promotion which would have meant him leaving the country), so it's not something I'm willing to end the relationship over. I guess I'd just like someone to tell me if I'm being melodramatic or if they've had a similar situation. Any friend I've mentioned it to is on my side, but of course they're slightly biased... Thanks guys

1ZRed

You're not being overdramatic at all. I can see very clearly that you value and love this guy hugely (its really easy to pick up, thats why you're confused, no?)
Anyway I find it a bit hypocritical that he doesn't want to be number 2 in your life and then for him to do it to you. He wants to be with you forever yet he doesn't plan on coming out to his friend? How long is going to keep this secret from that guy?
I get that he most like doesn't mean to put you in this situation but its not fair to cut you out for 3 weeks! I would die!haha:D
I think you should talk to him, no pressure, but you should play my point to him and say that eventually he will have to come out to his friend. It doesn't have to be this summer but sometime down the line.
Tell him you''ll follow through with what he wants because his friend means a lot to him but that you can't expect him to cut you completely out either.
Can you not hang out as friends with your bf occasionally with the friend there too?
I doubt your bf wants to put you in this awkward situation, in fact I don't think he really realises what he has done but I suppose he is blinded by fear of what his friend would think of him and if he might lose his friendship.

At the end of the day your boyfriend has shown his devotion to you and if both of you are going as strong of ye are then what the fcuk is 3 weeks?:D

foggy_lad

Can your boyfriend not contact this friend now and tell them that he is gay and in a relationship and moving in with you in July? Just tell him if he does not want to come for 3 weeks that will be a great disappointment to him but he will get over it quickly when July comes and he moves in with you.

People have to adapt and change all the time to different things and this is just something this friend will have to get used to and the sooner the better!

kisaragi

foggy_lad wrote: »

Can your boyfriend not contact this friend now and tell them that he is gay and in a relationship and moving in with you in July? Just tell him if he does not want to come for 3 weeks that will be a great disappointment to him but he will get over it quickly when July comes and he moves in with you.

People have to adapt and change all the time to different things and this is just something this friend will have to get used to and the sooner the better!

He won't tell his friend because he's afraid if he tells him the friend will reject him. This is the crux of the issue I guess!

1Zred I think you're right on the money I have talked to him about it, he knows how I feel. You're right, it's only 3 weeks! I don't even know it's the time not seeing him - I wouldn't be mad if he was travelling somewhere for a month! I know he isn't intentionally putting me in this situation, but when I think about it it makes my blood boil haha. I have zero interest in being around his friend - I can't stand people like that!

I don't want to ruin his time with his friend by making him feel bad, so I guess I just have to put up with it :rolleyes:

azezil

3 weeks is not that long in the grand scheme of things but what happens if this friend wants to come visit after you've moved in together? He'll have to tell him sooner or later.

Irish Aris

kisaragi wrote: »

He won't tell his friend because he's afraid if he tells him the friend will reject him. This is the crux of the issue I guess!

:rolleyes:

and what kind of a best friend is that that will reject him for being gay??
I am not quite following here.
A friend of mine used to say "just be who you are. Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter".

No, you are not melodramatic, your way of thinking is just common sense. IMO, it's just a matter of time before he has to come out to his friend about it - and I can understand his fear, but since he truly loves you, he will have to take his chances. You are in a very good relationship together so all friends (yours and his) should realise it and accept it.

1ZRed

I think you're making the right decision by letting your bf have a chance to catch up with his friend without having to stress about coming out to him.
Not the best situation but after his friend goes he can think about coming out to him the next time they meet or whenever.
And you do realise your bf owes you big time for this so maybe you should start cutting some deals with him to keep yourself satisfied!;) haha

kisaragi

Aye, I completely disagree with him (or anyone) being friends with someone who refuses to accept he's gay - but it's not my place to tell him not to be friends with someone. He admitted to me that he doesn't know what he'll do when we live together but for now he just can't make the choice to come out to his friend and risk losing him. The thing is, his friend absolutely KNOWS, he just doesn't want it confirmed. I reckon his friend is probably gay himself but whatever... It's a stupid situation really.

At least when I'm completely furious with him I won't miss him as much for the three weeks

Dick Turnip

kisaragi wrote: »

However, my boyfriend has a friend coming to stay with him for 3 weeks during May/June, who has expressed clearly that while he knows he is gay, he refuses to have it mentioned and basically doesn't want to know.

Am I missing something? but is the OP not saying this friend knows the OP's bf is gay but just won't talk about it? So the issue isn't the bf telling the friend he's gay before the trip.

Maybe he could make a focused effort to discuss it in the first week he's staying so that by the end of the trip you could be brought into the picture?

foggy_lad

kisaragi wrote: »

The thing is, his friend absolutely KNOWS, he just doesn't want it confirmed. I reckon his friend is probably gay himself but whatever... It's a stupid situation really.

I would think there is something going on between the two of them that your boyfriend does not want you knowing about, either that or he is ashamed of you?

Dick Turnip

kisaragi wrote: »

I reckon his friend is probably gay himself but whatever... It's a stupid situation really.

I'm sorry but it annoys me when people say this (maybe you know more about the guy) but because somebody comes across as homophobic, they are suddenly probably a closet gay.

Some people are just dicks. Some people don't like black/chinese/irish and outwardly show their hate. Does this mean that secretly they want sexual encounters with black/chinese/irish people? More than likely not. Like I said, some people are just dicks.

BUT then this came out just the other day http://www.livescience.com/19563-homophobia-hidden-homosexuals.html so who knows :D

EDIT - black/chinese/irish is a selection of races not some awesome love child of Phil Lynott and a chinese girl

1ZRed

[/QUOTE]

I would think there is something going on between the two of them that your boyfriend does not want you knowing about, either that or he is ashamed of you?[/Quote]

Haha that's a ridiculous comment! I very much doubt anything is going on. The circumstances don't seem suspicious in the slightest. I hardly think the OP's bf is going off on a massive riding session with his friend, and if he was, wouldn't it be more fun to include the OP?:P

If you say the friend "obsolutely knows" but still remains a homophobe to and around your bf isn't that just really sly?! If that's the case then of what value is this friend? But then again he could mean a lot to your bf so I won't judge.
Red flags are being raised the more I hear of your bf's friend. He could be gay himself but most likely bi or attracted to men to some degree or just a straight prick homophobe. plain and simple!:D

Btw, has your bf started to look at his friendship a bit differently now that you brought up your frustrations to him?
I hope he is not sitting in denial, hoping for all his problems to be fixed without having to take some potential fallout.

Best of luck to you man!:) you're in a bit of tight spot but you're doing the right thing by sticking by your bf's decisions. He will remember that!:)

kisaragi

foggy_lad wrote: »

I would think there is something going on between the two of them that your boyfriend does not want you knowing about, either that or he is ashamed of you?

Ehm I can 100% assure you that that isn't the case haha. I've also met the majority of his other friends so he's not ashamed of me...

I'm sorry but it annoys me when people say this (maybe you know more about the guy) but because somebody comes across as homophobic, they are suddenly probably a closet gay.

Some people are just dicks. Some people don't like black/chinese/irish and outwardly show their hate. Does this mean that secretly they want sexual encounters with black/chinese/irish people? More than likely not. Like I said, some people are just dicks.

You're right, he could just be a dick :P But they've been friends for pretty much my bf's whole life and APPARENTLY he's been very supportive in other ways and is obviously very important to my bf. My bf tells me he's tried to tell him before and he just shuts down the conversation - this is why I presume he knows but doesn't want it affirmed - which obviously me being there would do.

Btw, has your bf started to look at his friendship a bit differently now that you brought up your frustrations to him?
I hope he is not sitting in denial, hoping for all his problems to be fixed without having to take some potential fallout.

Not really, I think he's engaging in head in the sand tactics to be honest! He admitted he doesn't know what he'll do when the friend wants to visit again and joked about booking a holiday for me...

I had a relatively easy coming out with little to no negative reactions, whereas his sister wouldn't speak to him for 10 years and a host of other things. So I get that he's afraid of being rejected by one of his most important friends. But I can't help my emotional response!

He's talking about sending the friend away on trips etc to see things in Ireland and then we can see each other - but to be honest I'm not interested in taking part in that kind of charade. He can either have me 100% or not at all for the three weeks haha. This may be me being childish and needing to claw back some sense of control but I like to think I'm making a stand for gay rights everywhere :cool:

Actually I feel much better about it having just vented so thanks for listening guys

floggg

OP, where is this friend from/living? The fact that he is coming for a three week stay planned so far ahead would suggest to me he's living a fair bit away and perhaps they don't see each other very often?

If so, you might be over reacting - though understandably so. You sound like a confident, strong and secure person to come out at 15. Did your bf find it harder to accept things or come out than you though? If so, he may still find it hard to come out to his friend and fear losing him.

If its a case that this friend is very close to him, but sees him only very rarely, he may just want to make the best of the (relatively) short time they'll see each other and not have an drama.

It's not a case that he's asking you to be number two, but just to accommodate him and make an allowance for his insecurity or fears. No, he shouldn't ask you to hide yourself, but deferring to his insecurities for 3 weeks is a small price to pay in otherwise great relationship (especially if you see it lasting a lifetime).

Now if it's the case that he lives an hour down the road and you'll have to do this every few months (or even every year), without your boyfriend being prepared to take the bull by the horns then that's another story.

But if it's a one time thing, three weeks is a small sacrifice to make for the man you love. If the relationship is to work, you'll both have plenty to make for each other over the next few years!

Dwn Wth Vwls

If it was me, I'd accept the three weeks off and say "Okay, I'll stay away this one time. But before he leaves you have to say 'my boyfriend' at least once to your friend.".

If the friend does know your bf is gay but just doesn't want to talk about it, he might not actually have a problem with it. Casually dropping "my boyfriend" into conversation is something that lets him know for sure, but doesn't require him to react. They can continue not talking about it, but know that it's not a secret.

1ZRed

Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »

If it was me, I'd accept the three weeks off and say "Okay, I'll stay away this one time. But before he leaves you have to say 'my boyfriend' at least once to your friend.".

If the friend does know your bf is gay but just doesn't want to talk about it, he might not actually have a problem with it. Casually dropping "my boyfriend" into conversation is something that lets him know for sure, but doesn't require him to react. They can continue not talking about it, but know that it's not a secret.

I think that's a very dangerous thing to do. It's not casual in the slightest especially if you're a homophobe, you would pick up on it instantly. Youre practically outing him in front of his friend and what makes it worse is that the bf is afraid to do so.
If my boyfriend ever did that to me he would be gone.
I never found it easy to come out and although my family doesn't know I'm gay, they are never supportive of that sort of thing. So imagine if someone took the power away from me and did it for me. I would be furious at the person who did it because I would have no control over the situation and I'd have no tolerance for anyone who would be selfish enough to do something like that to me.
Overall bad idea. I think it's best just to let the bf do what he likes for now and tackle all this sh*t when he is ready for it.

azezil

1ZRed wrote: »

I think that's a very dangerous thing to do. It's not casual in the slightest especially if you're a homophobe, you would pick up on it instantly. Youre practically outing him in front of his friend and what makes it worse is that the bf is afraid to do so.
If my boyfriend ever did that to me he would be gone.
I never found it easy to come out and although my family doesn't know I'm gay, they are never supportive of that sort of thing. So imagine if someone took the power away from me and did it for me. I would be furious at the person who did it because I would have no control over the situation and I'd have no tolerance for anyone who would be selfish enough to do something like that to me.
Overall bad idea. I think it's best just to let the bf do what he likes for now and tackle all this sh*t when he is ready for it.

Eh, he's saying the op's bf should mention his bf casually in conversation, not the op

Beruthiel

kisaragi wrote: »

This is the only person in the world who my bf isn't out to.

How far is your b/f willing to take this?
I mean, you guys sound like you are interested in making a real go of this relationship.
So, what happens if at some point in the future ye decide that this is for life and you put down roots. Buy a house. Maybe even think of having a family.
What then?
Will you still be made to disappear when he comes to visit?

Don't get into an argument over this, but calmly pose the above questions to him.
If things go well for you guys, eventually he is just going to have to come out to this person.
I actually don't get how you can value a friendship when the other person doesn't know about a big part of your life. What's the point?

1ZRed

azezil wrote: »

Eh, he's saying the op's bf should mention his bf casually in conversation, not the op

I'm finding it getting too confusing taking about them sometimes:rolleyes: They should be given fake names so as to avoid saying things like "the OP's bf's friend!":D

kisaragi

floggg wrote: »

OP, where is this friend from/living? The fact that he is coming for a three week stay planned so far ahead would suggest to me he's living a fair bit away and perhaps they don't see each other very often?

If so, you might be over reacting - though understandably so. You sound like a confident, strong and secure person to come out at 15. Did your bf find it harder to accept things or come out than you though? If so, he may still find it hard to come out to his friend and fear losing him.

They're both American so yes it's a bit of a trip! That's exactly his fear - which while I understand I find it difficult to relate to.

How far is your b/f willing to take this?
I mean, you guys sound like you are interested in making a real go of this relationship.
So, what happens if at some point in the future ye decide that this is for life and you put down roots. Buy a house. Maybe even think of having a family.
What then?
Will you still be made to disappear when he comes to visit?

We talked about this and he joked about putting me up in a hotel... He basically said he doesn't know yet how he would deal with that - which is an honest answer I suppose I can't rush him into doing anything he doesn't want to.

You guys are right in that three weeks is a small sacrifice. I just need to be more sensible and less emotional!

I actually don't get how you can value a friendship when the other person doesn't know about a big part of your life. What's the point?

I am in 100% agreement and would never be friends with someone like that, but it's his choice to be friends with him.

maccy

I kind of had this problem with one of my friends. It got to a stage where it was just something that wasn't talked about - because I think he wanted the ball to be in my court thought it would be easier for me to say it to him.

Anyway I just had to bite the bullet one day... I was drunk when I did it... and it all turned out ok.

However I know the fear your bf has of not wanting to mess things up. I'd cut him some slack and just let him do it his way. I know its crap for you but trust me this is not something he enjoys doing - its prob eating him up inside.

DubArk

kisaragi wrote: »

However, my boyfriend has a friend coming to stay with him for 3 weeks during May/June, who has expressed clearly that while he knows he is gay, he refuses to have it mentioned and basically doesn't want to know. This is the only person in the world who my bf isn't out to. This means that for these 3 weeks I can't see my boyfriend, unless the friend is away. This visit was planned before I was on the scene, and their friendship goes way way way back.

Really the fact is your bf is out to this guy…. it’s just this guy doesn’t want to acknowledge the situation.

I remember been so affected by what my friends thought when my partner and I first moved in together. I was still in the closet to most people who I grew up with. We lived in the UK. I would have done anything to hide our situation. I remember, mates of mine were coming over to the uk and were looking for a gaff to crash and visit me. I encouraged my bf to go visit his family that wk end and had the guys over. I’m laughing here just thinking about the way I went about it. Hiding things in the house in case they’d put 2 and 2 together. It wasn’t worth it because I spent the whole time on edge and felt guilty about how I duped my bf. I lacked confidence back then and I cringe at my younger self allowing that to happen but that's how you learn.

Let your bf handle the situation in the manner that he feels is best at this stage. Support him because I have a feeling that it’ll be that last time he does so. Three weeks is a very long time to be hiding you and the real him. You have stated that you’re both planning to stay together for the long haul. This is one of many experiences that you’ll share and in time wonder what all the fuss was about.:)

Vojera

I don't think you're over-reacting, but I think you need to consider how your bf feels. He knows he has to tell his friend, and I bet every time he thinks about it he gets that awful fluttery panicky feeling in his stomach because he's not sure he'll be accepted. It's not an easy thing to let go of a friendship you've had for years because someone can't accept who you are.

I would let it go this one time. Don't stress him out over it, don't pressure him into telling him now, but just say that he really does need to have a good think about his future. It's just not realistic that this friend can never be told. It has to happen eventually. Maybe he can use this visit to test the waters and scope out how he thinks the friend will react, and hoepfully the next time he visits, you can be introduced properly.

mrroboto

If this guy really was a friend he wouldn't care. And if your BF tells him and gets a bad reaction then he's not a friend and no friendship has been lost.
That said if it was a family member was coming to stay I'd respect your BF's wish for you to stay away. You only get one family. You can choose your friends.

LegacyUser

mrroboto wrote: »

If this guy really was a friend he wouldn't care. And if your BF tells him and gets a bad reaction then he's not a friend and no friendship has been lost.
That said if it was a family member was coming to stay I'd respect your BF's wish for you to stay away. You only get one family. You can choose your friends.

Its not always as simple as that!

Aurongroove

Be careful how you read some of the advice given OP. It's easy for people to give axiomatic confrontational advice from the comfort of their computer chair far away from the various aspects of the reality of the situation.

I suggest that realistically, if your BF is a keeper and you trust him and he did invite this guy before you were in his life etc etc then you should just to get the trip over and done as planned without flanking him with grand schemes of your own while he's trying to cope with someone who's clearly a handful.
You can easily sort out how you felt about the whole thing afterwards when his "friend" is safely out of both your hair.

I know the situation is crazy, but these kinda of people do exist in the world and if you befriend then find out they have a 'thing' you don't just say "sorry you're fired from being my friend because of your 'X trait' I just discovered". There is a certain amount of diplomacy and phasing in and out of people and it looks as if your boyfriend found you and things moved fast and now this friend is a remnant that your BF needs to handle.

I have a pretty decent friend who is grand in almost all circumstances, but they fly off the handle when it comes to religion, I also know another person who is perfectly lovely and are funny and grand but you can't swear in front of them and despite having children they claim they've never had sex (ergo don't realize you need to have sex to have children ergo every one realizes they are not a virgin,but they don't realize everyone realizes). maybe your BF's friend is like that, fine is every way except has a super weird 'thing' where suddenly people stare wide-eyed at them for a sec then just let it go because it's too weird to tackle in everyday conversation.

Of course you should tell your BF after ward to definitely not make any fresh invitations with this guy, unless it's in the active duty of either waking the guy up (a project i wouldn't like to take on) or getting rid of the guy.