How much of an idiot am I?

sibeniklove

There is a man in my life. We are in college together. He is 24 and i am 33

Anyway, after an initial period of flirting we started fooling around, no sex. He has been seeing someone else and although he is not exclusive with her he maintains that he doesn't want to be a "dick" and sleep with two girls at once. He complains about her and has talked about finishing with her since december.

We explored our fantasies with a lot of sexual talk over facebook and in person. He comes over and we kiss and cuddle but no sex. I would like a relationship with him but i feel like he is playing games and i don't know how to play.

I asked him over facebook if he thought we should go back to being ordinary friends. He said no but thinks we should wait till the end of semester which is a month away to be together physically.


Garden path? Or is he intimidated. The girls he goes for are just that, girls. I'm a 33 year old women (though the way i am carrying on i don't feel like it)

sibeniklove

sibeniklove wrote: »

He has been seeing someone else and although he is not exclusive with her he maintains that he doesn't want to be a "dick" and sleep with two girls at once. He complains about her and has talked about finishing with her since december.

I asked him over facebook if he thought we should go back to being ordinary friends. He said no but thinks we should wait till the end of semester which is a month away to be together physically.

He sounds like trouble.

Assuming this other girl is in fact non-exclusive (although it sounds a bit dodgy), some worrying facts still remain. He's seeing someone, he complains about her, and for the last 4 or 5 months he's been telling the other woman he's seeing that he's going to dump the first girl. That's pretty disrespectful regardless of whether it's exclusive or not. If this other girl knows about you, how do you think he talks about you to her? And throughout this he's painting himself as a nice guy who is keeping you waiting for him because he doesn't want to be a dick.

You then ask him a straightforward question: should it end?
He doesn't say yes; he doesn't say no. Rather he tells you that you'll need to wait til the end of semester. Why? Because then it will be easier to break it off with this other girl he's stringing along? Or because he's hoping he can just keep putting off having to make an actual decision?

Maybe I'm being unfairly pessimistic, but from my experience of being lied to/strung along this behaviour is typical. I'd be very wary of him.

Idle Passerby

Id tread carefully. He may not be official with the other girl but he is still seeing her and Id be surprised if all his complaining about her and vague suggestions of ending it with her would go anywhere. If he's bad mouthing her to you, Its possible he's doing the same with her about you. He's happy to be casually fooling around with two women at once. Its telling that when you suggested making it platonic again his response was "nah, lets continue the casual fooling around" So he's just completely ignored what you want. I think he's stringing you along and has no intention of getting serious with anyone.

Pomplamousse

This situation sounds quite strange to me. I don't think I'd trust him & would distance myself from him straight away!

Overheal

Thinking about a past infatuation of mine, where she was in a relationship that she had her doubts about, and me being single, I think we both would have hated ourselves if we had actually let anything happen. Hell we barely even talked about it. It was just in the air. I'd have been a serious homewrecker :S

Entirely up to you OP. I don't think theres necessarily a 'right' answer there. I think personally though he already is acting like a dick by sleeping with one girl and lining up the next, until he gets tired of the first. I guess it depends on how promiscuous or serious you want to take this.

sibeniklove

As daft as it may sound i want to be closer to him, have something special with him. He is offering me very little though and has been dangling a carrot in front of me for months now. As much as i would like him to cop on it seems he is not going to.


Thank you all for your great replies

daisybelle2008

sibeniklove wrote: »

There is a man in my life. We are in college together. He is 24 and i am 33

Anyway, after an initial period of flirting we started fooling around, no sex. He has been seeing someone else and although he is not exclusive with her he maintains that he doesn't want to be a "dick" and sleep with two girls at once. He complains about her and has talked about finishing with her since december.

We explored our fantasies with a lot of sexual talk over facebook and in person. He comes over and we kiss and cuddle but no sex. I would like a relationship with him but i feel like he is playing games and i don't know how to play.

I asked him over facebook if he thought we should go back to being ordinary friends. He said no but thinks we should wait till the end of semester which is a month away to be together physically.


Garden path? Or is he intimidated. The girls he goes for are just that, girls. I'm a 33 year old women (though the way i am carrying on i don't feel like it)

Ok, this is the point where people who talk about how they were ‘strung along’ by some guy or girl can make a decision to not get strung along at all.
The warning bells are so loud that you really must be having trouble blocking your ears and ignoring them.
Really all this stuff about speculating if he is intimidated is just nonsense you are using to justify allowing him to lead you up the garden path.
Take time out and try figure out why you think so little of yourself that you think this guy is someone you would like a relationship with

Distorted

Sorry, but how can you be attracted to someone who behaves like this? Do you not find it very off-putting?

He isn't avoiding behaving like a dick by not sleeping with you at all. Instead he is keeping you dangling like a carrot, stringing you along as his second option should he get bored by the first. It sounds great for him, to have the attention of two women. A decent guy would break off all but polite contact with you until he had broken up with the first woman. I doubt he will break up with her anyway, why should he, as he has his cake and has eaten it too? Even if he does, there will probably be some other excuse why you can't be together because you have shown you will put up with it.

You mention he goes for young girls, my guess would probably be because they are easier to control and dupe. He doesn't really sound very appealing! I do believe you can learn a lot from what type of woman a man is attracted to...

I think you're under his spell and you should wake up and see him for the person he really is!

Dolly Daydreams

sibeniklove wrote: »

There is a man in my life. We are in college together. He is 24 and i am 33

Anyway, after an initial period of flirting we started fooling around, no sex. He has been seeing someone else and although he is not exclusive with her he maintains that he doesn't want to be a "dick" and sleep with two girls at once. He complains about her and has talked about finishing with her since december.

We explored our fantasies with a lot of sexual talk over facebook and in person. He comes over and we kiss and cuddle but no sex. I would like a relationship with him but i feel like he is playing games and i don't know how to play.

I asked him over facebook if he thought we should go back to being ordinary friends. He said no but thinks we should wait till the end of semester which is a month away to be together physically.


Garden path? Or is he intimidated. The girls he goes for are just that, girls. I'm a 33 year old women (though the way i am carrying on i don't feel like it)

sorry to be blunt, but I've seen this with a few of my friends, and we're in our 30's too.. They love the 'cougar' element of it all.. But will it go somewhere? Most likely not, just don't put all your eggs in one basket if something better comes along in the meantime, snatch it up pronto

LegacyUser

IMHO I have seen this from guys in my younger day's. He probably likes you, well want's to sleep with you, he feels he has it in the bag, but he knows deep down that he doesn't really want a relationship, but he still want's to mark up a notch. One more thing to baost about to his mates.

He want's to wait till after the college year has finished because, either he is afraid that you will want more if he sleeps with you and he isn't willing to give it and this might cause awkwardness if you are to see each other in college all the time, or, sorry to be blunt he is embarrassed by the age and he doesn't want others in the class to know that you were with each other.

Either way it is a very immature and inconsiderate way to act.

On the otherhand there is the extreme chance that he is being honest with you but it still beggars the question, why hasn't he slept with you? he is 25, "an adult", not committed and in his own estimations freely available, it seems unlikely that this is the correct scenario.

If all you wanna do is sleep with him then go ahead, but if you feel like you want a relationship then I suggest to get out and find grown up.

LegacyUser

And, in the (unlikely IMO) case that he does break up with her, how could you be sure that he'd be exclusive with you ?
For all the reasons mentioned above and the latter ... I'd stop the 'relationship' now and look elsewhere.

I am a friend

He is not a bit intimidated - he is laughing up his sleeve cos he has you dangling even though you know he has a gf.

You must have very low esteem if you are willingly to believe his bs and be his bit on the side.

Balmed Out

He probably is going out with the other girl. He definately is just stringing you along for the ego boost. Whether he decides to cheat properly with you or not shouldnt really be something for you to hope for.

Please whatever you do finish with the facebook sexual chat. Do you want this guy to have something so personal of you that he can do with as he wishes whenever.

Neyite

I'd guess that if you continue to see him, you will eventually sleep together fully, and then you will hear loads of excuses as to why he cant dump her right away and "needs to do it at the right time". I'd expect a dying granny, or exams, or a sick doggy or some excuse while he strings you both along.

When we cant believe our luck with someone, we dont risk it by this kind of faffing around that he does with both of you. He is keeping you both on ice until he decides which one of you he will choose. If he was cracked about you, that other girl would be long gone.

Do you know for a fact that they are not exclusive, or is that just his word on it? It may very well be that she has an entirely different and commited relationship as far as she is aware.

He does not sound worth it to me. The fact he has spent months and months giving out about her screams that when you are the "old girlfriend" he will be bitching to another new girl about you... run.