Boyfriend gained weight

LegacyUser

Hi,

I was hoping I'd be able to get some advice on this as I really don't know what to do! I'm with my boyfriend for a year and a half. When we started going out he was slightly big, more muscley than anything else and very broad. We settled into a routine of having takeaways and the weekend and watching movies while eating sweets etc etc. I'd also make us big dinners (honeymoon phase haha).

We both started gaining weight from basically being in a comfortable relationship. A little while before Christmas I weighed myself and realised I had gained just over a stone since we started going out . I immediately started following weightwatchers and walking a lot in the evening. I was totally sick of looking so much bigger photos etc. Long story short I lost all the weight (yay!). Now I'm still on WW (apart from the odd weekend ) and trying to shed a few more pounds for the summer.

My boyfriend also gained a lot of weight since we started going out. A lot more than I did. He used to go to the gym every day but he stopped when his membership ran out. Before Christmas, my family and friends started making comments about how big he had gotten. When I started loosing weight he kept saying he was going to start but he'd eat healthy for a day or two then stop. I think his main problem is very large portion sizes. He also does no exercise as he says he's too busy with college. I haven't really said much to him as I didn't want to say anything to upset him but in the last few months it's getting worse and worse. He said he was going to try and loose weight for an event coming up in May but he just seems to have gained more. He's a young guy so I'm worried about how it could be affecting his health. My family keep saying to me that he looks so big but if I told him that he would be so upset.

It's gotten to the point where his clothes don't fit him anymore. He went shopping the other day and nothing would fit him not even XL or XXL. This got him really annoyed but I still don't think he's gonna make much effort. I put some photos of us at a party on facebook a couple of weeks ago and he said he was amazed by how big he looks in them. His stomach is huge and his face is all bloated. He keeps saying again and again how he's gotten too big and he's going to start making an effort and going to the gym but it's like he says all this stuff then it just never happens.

He's just under 6 foot and is almost 21 stone. I probably sound terrible going on about it but it's such a worry health wise not to mention it's upsetting him and is making friends and family comment. I just don't know what to do. I tried saying it to him gently last week and he immediately got defensive and annoyed and said he'd been trying and it hasn't been working but I haven't seen him try at all? He's been to the gym once so far this year and easily would sit down and eat a pack of biscuits in one sitting and still have a huge dinner! I know it's not his fault he has a big appetite but does anyone have any suggestions??

Pomplamousse

Firstly OP, well done on your own weight loss:)
With regard to your boyfriend, I think the first step is him realising that he needs to do something about his weight, and the fact that you say he keeps saying again and again that he needs to lose weight is a good sign. However, he really needs a big kick up the ass to motivate him into starting a healthier lifestyle.

You say he's really busy with college, does he finish up for the summer? If so, if he has more spare time this could be ideal for him to start exercising again.
You say that you cooked big dinners for him early on in the relationship, could you start cooking healthier dishes? Obviously it is not up to you to force him into anything though or to be his personal chef, maybe you could be a bit more firm with him in telling him that you're worried about his health and you think he needs to make x,y and z changes to his lifestyle. Yes he may be upset, but I'm sure he'll get over it once he realises that you're completely right.

Johnny_BravoIII

I haven't really said much to him as I didn't want to say anything to upset him

Here's your problem.
He has to take personal responsibility.

I'll suggest he uses an application such as:
www.myfitnesspal.com
for 1-2 months to see exactly where his diet is wrong.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies! We are going on holidays at the end of June so that's another reason I thought he would get motivated. I tried to be a bit harsher with him today, I was getting him trousers in work and I said they didn't have his size (which they didn't!!) and he seemed both embarrassed and annoyed. I thought that might be a bit of a wake up call. I also asked him would he not go to his college gym today and he said he would. He ended up not going and is having a big dinner down in college. It seems like it's in one ear and out the other!

Thank you for your suggestions about cooking him dinner. I do try to cook a WW friendly meal when I'm cooking for him but it's almost like he gets annoyed when I try to do that. Like he doesn;t understand the little things like diet drinks instead of normal or low fat cream etc. He just starts getting angry and says things like he hates eating "diet" food. He also is afraid of his life he won't be full. He looks over my shoulder when I'm cooking and says do you think that will be enough for the two of us I think you should put on more coz I'm starving.

He really does need a good shock I just don't know what that is!

Herrick

Like I've said on previous threads like this, I'm afraid your going to have to tell it to him straight.

There's no use in trying to hint at it or telling him to go down the gym. He needs to know your concern straight out.

Sure it will hurt him, but its better for him to know how you really feel. I've always maintained that if I was ballooning I'd rather be told straight out. I would actually rather know other people have noticed as well, it would hurt at first, but would motivate me so much more.

Forgive me if this seems very nosy OP, but is he so out of shape that you are losing your attraction to him? If so, that may be the real motivator for him.

LegacyUser

God I know it sounds awful but I really am. Sometimes I look at his and I feel a bit disgusted. I wouldn't be somebody who's all about the looks but it's gotten to the point where I don't even want to be intimate because I'm put off by his size. If he knew that it would hurt him so much...

Herrick

worried111 wrote: »

God I know it sounds awful but I really am. Sometimes I look at his and I feel a bit disgusted. I wouldn't be somebody who's all about the looks but it's gotten to the point where I don't even want to be intimate because I'm put off by his size. If he knew that it would hurt him so much...

But what happens if you don't tell him this and he doesn't make an effort to get fit? What if he gets bigger and you lose all attraction to him?

I think he would be better off knowing this and doing something to rectify it, rather than finding out some day you have decided to end it because you don't fancy him anymore.

I know it will hurt him like it would hurt anyone, but this may be the kick up the arse he needs.

It would for me anyway at least and I suspect for most people.

beks101

I'd advise a health check with the GP.

Book yourself in for a check-up and bring him along. Maybe hearing it from a GP that he's got high cholesterol, is pre-diabetic, is at risk of heart disease or stroke or any number of the health repercussions that come with being so overweight...might kick him into gear.

You bringing it up, his family and friends bringing it up and some ghastly photos all haven't brought the message home yet, so if this doesn't, nothing will.

Best of luck. You sound like a great girlfriend. And congratulations on your own weight loss.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for all your replies. Your right it would be a lot worse for him if I said nothing.

Thank you too Wouldn't say I'm a great GF but I try! haha...The GP is a really good idea. If they scare him a bit it would be worth it in the end.

Johnny_BravoIII

Cooking him low-fat dinner, hinting at tousers size & beach holiday will drive him nuts!!!
Seriously there's nothing worse than somebodyobviously insidiously trying to influnce you.

Sit him down. Tell him straight. Let him man up & handle it.

Chucky the tree

Yea tell him straight, no point dancing around the issue it will just make it worse. Subtle nagging is never subtle. Also, why not try and help him by suggesting doing stuff together - walks, runs etc or even going to the gym together? If he's gotten that big I wouldn't be surprised if he's a bit embarrassed going to the gym.

MistyCheese

Well it definately sounds like he has a huge emotional block. I'd say he sees trying to take control of his weight as "girly" and has many negative associations with "dieting". I can't really advise you on how exactly to help him get over this though, but it would almost certainly help if he could get into a mindset of more "getting healthy/getting fit" and could view this more as taking care of himself in a long term way rather than a girly diet-coke, rabbit food, short term diet.

Would he take up a sport like football hockey or rugby? That way he would be getting exercise, he'd be doing it in a team with other men and if he gets into it he may well want to eat better and get fitter in order to play the sport better.

Don't beat yourself up about being less attracted to him, that doesn't make you a bad person at all. The stats you've given suggest a rather large man and you're not obligated to be as attracted to him now as you were when he was a different shape.

bouncebouncey

I wholeheartedly agree you have to go the direct route here. No subtly (when I say that I don't mean that you should be cruel either though!) about it like hinting at stuff or suggesting this or that. Suggesting joining a sports team is not nessicarily a bad idea but given his weight and dimensions it may be beyond him at this stage.

For all you know he could be incapable of running for a bus at this stage. You need to spit out what you need to say. Hes endangering his health, its upsetting you and you are physically less attracted to him.

He needs to put the breaks on this for the good of both of you. Just under 6ft (which I'll take as meaning 5"11) and 21 stone with recent rapid weight gain. That's not headed to a good place at all. Let him know that you will be there and be supportive as he address the issues for his weight gain and as he tries to shift it. But make sure he realises that he does have issues now.

You could also point out that he now weighs just about 300lbs. 300 is a big sounding number when it comes to weight and it might resonate more than a figure in stones. Basically he would easily qualify to be on one of these Biggest Loser/Operation Transformation style shows now. I think he needs a bit of a shock rather than a gentle nudge at this stage.

LegacyUser

I think I'm going to take all your advice and say it straight to him tonight. He used to be very sporty and played rugby and football but due to an injury he stopped. I honestly think he's gotten very lazy when it comes to exercise. Using the figure 300 pounds is a good idea. It sounds so big. I'm so glad I came here for advice. I asked my friend for advice and she didn't really seem to know what to say. I also asked my mam and she keeps telling me I'm too young to have issues like these in a relationship. I just really want to see him fit and healthy again it would make him so much happier.

Susie_Q

Good woman OP. You need to be extremely direct and honest about this. Yes it will hurt his feelings, but dancing around the issue and dropping delicate hints hasn't (and won't) work.

It's also worth asking him directly about his 'fear' of being hungry that you mentioned. Ask him what he thinks will happen if he's hungry - what's the worst case scenario? Of course NOTHING will happen; he won't keel over and die or fall ill. He probably totally forgets what hunger feels like if he's eating so much.

Best of luck OP. It's a difficult situation but one which will only get worse if you don't address it.

Also - if you're cooking dinner then don't let him bully you into adding extra portions - if he insists on more make him cook it himself!

LuckyLloyd

Just for a slightly different perspective - it should be understandable why he has a block of going to the gym (as Chucky has pointed out above). You say that he was a former athlete playing rugby and other things. When that was the case, he was probably able to do X in the gym (a decent run on the threadmill; some more cardio machines; weights all in the one session); but now when he goes he can't get near doing that stuff, his new ability is Y and he finds it really dispiriting and disappointing and therefore doesn't want to go again.

It sounds counterintuitive, but the best thing for him would probably to get into a routine of predominantly doing weights and mobility work, rather than running or cardio. It would be a session he can manage, something he could see progression in - meaning that he might be inclined to go more often. He needs to mentally readjust to diminished abilities and find a way to be productively active a few times a week. That will help build some confidence and feel that he is moving in the right direction.

90% of weight loss will be diet though. So it needs to change. For him to lose weight he needs to spend a period consuming less calories than his personal maintenance level. Doing regular weights or physical activity along with that is what is required to get him to where he needs to be.

Things like going to the gym and being unable to comfortably do 20% of what you used to do, or being unable to get clothes that fit are wake up calls. However they are also really negative and depressing events, and they can trigger a '**** it, I don't care, what's the point?' reaction. Particularly when he has you in his life (and to be honest you sound like an absolute catch).

If he could be convinced to start exercising a few times a week in a completely different manner that takes on board his new physical context, and maybe got himself new clothes that fitted well online, then it might help him feel better about himself and see the value to progression.

Make no mistake though, you have to be upfront with him that he is in danger of losing you over this. If you are clear on that, and continue to offer as much help and support as you have then it is up to him. You can only do so much for him unfortunately.

I also asked my mam and she keeps telling me I'm too young to have issues like these in a relationship.

It certainly wouldn't be a common issue for people your age. But fair play to you for meeting it head on and trying to address it in a positive way.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I actually blushed when I read the bit where I was supposedly a catch! Haha made my day

Have to say thanks again for the a millionth time for such informative posts. Your dead right about probably feeling disheartened about loosing weight. It probably feels like it's going to be way to much work and will take too long to see results!

I bought him some tshirts today that were XXL and they were fairly skin tight. I better explain as well that I don't buy all his clothes (not that controlling ) He just asked me to pick him up some stuff as I work part time in a department store!

I think the fact the tshirts were tight was another wake up call. Although he had two plates of the dinner I made straight after so maybe not hmmmm...I must update in a couple of weeks Might have to call on all your wisdom again soon if things are still the same after me telling him straight out!!

Jack B. Badd

worried111 wrote: »

I think the fact the tshirts were tight was another wake up call. Although he had two plates of the dinner I made straight after so maybe not hmmmm...

It sounds like he's not associating the weight he's gained with the quantity of food he eats. If he's been quite fit & sporty in the past he's probably gotten used to eating a certain amount but hasn't acknowledged that he needs to cut his calorie intake as he's become less active.

I'd tell him outright tbh. Explain that you'd like him to lose some weight, as your concerned about his health, etc. and point out that to do so, he needs to cut down on his portions as this is probably a big factor even if he eats relatively healthy food. Something as simple as waiting 15 mins after his first plateful will help as it takes time for his brain to realise his stomach is full and after 15 mins he may realise he doesn't even need that second plate. Good luck.

Pebbles68

Hi Op, where do I start? I was the fat one!

Yes, I was the one who gained the weight in my relationship. It was a very strange and emotional few years but I was in complete denial. I'd see photos of myself and refuse to believe what I saw. My OH was very good and never hassled me. On the very odd occasion he might suggest that I change my mind about what I was wearing. It is really really hard to accept the truth about how you have let your body go, and as previous posters said your mindset can take on a "what's the point attitude".

As tough as it is to do, and to be on the receiving end of, straight talking is the key. Share your feelings and be honest. It does not make you shallow if you are less attracted to him. In fairness it was less than 2 years ago that you fell for him, it's not as if 20 years have passed and you've both grown old together.

Be careful not to make it sound like an ultimatum, express your concerns about health both now and in the future(if he keeps eating the way he does) What does he think he'll be like in ten years?

And he doesn't have to go to the gym. Start by going for a walk together and gradually build up the distance and speed. Once he starts to see a positive effect maybe he'll be encouraged to make more of an effort.

Good luck.

superblu

Hi OP. You sound very considerate and caring and it's quite obvious that you have your boyfriends best interests at heart and don't want to hurt his feelings. He's a lucky guy.

21 stone for a man of his height is a ferocious size. I was in a similar position myself about 4 years back. A couple of factors contributed to my weight gain. I broke a small bone in my foot playing football and it was very slow to heal. I had just entered into my first major relationship and I was promoted to a very pressurised position in work. I piled on a huge amount of weight. The strange thing is that after a while you just resign yourself to it and tell yourself that this is how it's meant to be.

My road to Damascus moment came when I was having a mugshot taken for some glossy work brochure. I nearly cried when I saw the big meaty head on me looking up from the photo. I was a disgrace and looked about 10 years older than I actually was. I would suspect that my girlfriend probably was in a similar position to yourself. She actually never said to me that I needed to lose weight. Once i saw the light We made a pact and slowly shifted all the excess weight we had gained through exercise, dietary modifications but most importantly a total mindset change.

Another poster alluded to the point that your boyfriend may view going walking, looking after your diet or doing a spinning class or whatever as girly. It needs to be impressed upon him that there is nothing girly about looking after your health and he will reap many dividends further down the line if he sorts himself out.

Best of luck anyway. Maybe your boyfriend will see the light one of these days.