Boyfriend cheated?

Ann84

Just hoping for some other perspectives on a situation that I cant seem to figure out and dont really want to talk to anyone about it yet.
Quick history, the last relationship I had was a very destructive and abusive one that ended 2 years ago. My ex cheated, alot and was both physically and psychologically abusive so I've kinda seen it all at this stage! I have stayed single since that breakup for a combination of fear of a repeat toxic relationship and wanting to get myself back together (improve my self worth again!)!!! I met a guy in January and he really caught me off guard, I had no interest until I met him, we have been inseperable since and he has been wonderful and had completely alieviated my fears and insecurities and made me so happy!!
So right now I am completely confused, dont know what to do, how to react, just completely numb actually so thoughts and opinions welcome please!
Story, we were out on Saturday night with mutual friends. He was acting a bit odd in the pub not enough for me to pay too much attention, just thought he was in a weird mood or something! As the night progressed we went to a club and I barely saw him, he was just chatting to mutual friends but I wasnt in great form and tired so decided to go home. I left him in the club with our friends, didnt think much about it cause I was just in bad form. When I got home I rang to let him know I was gone home and would see him in the morning. I was annoyed with him for constantly disappearing in the club but was going to sleep it off...
So, Sunday morning I woke up, feeling a bit bad about just going home and went to text him to let him know all was well... as I pick up my phone, I see a voicemail, listened to it, it's from my boyfriend @ 4:30am... slurred conversation between my boyfriend and a girl, clearly alone somewhere. I cant hear the full conversation but I can hear him saying repeatedly; 'do you know what i wanna do to you...' and her replying something about 'sexual positions'! :eek: so my blood runs cold...
I try to ring him, no answer... so I call over to his house, his housemate lets me in, I go up to his room and he is naked in bed with a girl from work...
I wake him up, he comes down stairs and isnt making any sense (still quite drunk i think). I go back up, ask the girl what happened, she says nothing and leaves and Im left sitting there with my boyfriend. He starts crying, uncontrollably, I dont know what to do. I dont seem to feel anything, just numb...
So, we spend all of Sunday and yesterday together, I am nearly afraid to not be with him because I know i'll have to deal with this and I guess i was trying to put it off. He is doing everything he can to show me that he is so sorry for hurting me.
He says he doesnt remember what happened, he doesnt know if they had sex, or what. He says he is really happy with me, and that he is so sorry, that he doesnt know how he ended up in that situation. He seems genuinely remorseful and said he understands if I cant forgive him, but that he will be gutted.
Thing is, I still dont know how I feel. I dont seem to be upset, I dont feel angry, I think i just feel completely let down and hurt if anything at all. I really genuinely liked this guy. He has made me feel so good about myself, happier than I thought I could be with a guy again...
Most of me wants to write off what happened at the weekend and try to continue the relationship, but I am wondering is this my low self esteem and history talking... I just dont know what to do. Will i be a complete door mat if i stay with him? I dont seem to be that upset, but that in itself is worrying me! I am wondering if I can function in a relationship at all at this stage. Considering this is the first guy I've dated since my HORRIBLE ex, I am now wondering, is it me?

curlzy

Break up with him OP. You might like him but you're only going out since January and he's already cheated. So yeah don't repeat the last relationship where you put up with **** and excused him and so on and so forth.

Break up with him now and delete him and cut all contact to him. Then go and get a councellor. I don't think what has happened is your fault but I do think it's very worrying that you found him IN BED with another girl and you're still with him. Your self-worth really isn't in good shape. I know this forum doesn't allow condoning violence but I can tell you this for nothing OP, if I found my fella in bed with another girl I wouldn't be spending the following 2 days with him crying on my shoulder and me explaining it away.

So yeah, listen to that inner person that doesn't want a repeat of the last relationship and get away from him and get into coucelling.

The very best of luck OP.

jellygems

staying with him with not help ur self worth infact imo it will only further damage it


im sorry youve had a bad run with men, you deserve better

The Lovely Muffin

Get out of there as fast as your legs can carry you.

You're seeing this guy since January, around three months and he has cheated already?

Even if they didn't have sex, the were both in the same bed NAKED. The only woman, naked or not that should be in your boyfriends bed is you, nobody else.

He's only sorry because he was caught, if you hadn't gotten that Voicemail and hadn't gone around to his house, would he or his house-mates have told you? Would he have kept quiet in the hope you wouldn't find out?

If you stay with him, he will cheat again. Maybe with the same woman, or a different woman, or different women. What then? Are you going to sit by his side for two days after it happens? Are you going to accept it, forgive him and put up with it?

You deserve better than this OP. Get out now before he destroys your self worth (and that will happen).

At least you found out now, rather than months or years down the line.

If he was really sorry, he wouldn't have cheated OP. If he really loved you and wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have cheated. No man, who really loves you and wants to be with you would cheat OP.

I'd also say that he needs to look at his drinking, coming home with a different woman and not remembering what happened and then coming down the stairs drunk trying to talk to your girlfriend but making no sense? I believe he needs to look at his alcohol consumption and maybe cut it down a lot or cut it out completely.

Maybe try some counselling to help with your issues OP, it can really, really help.

He doesn't deserve you and you certainly deserve better than him OP. Do yourself a favour and get out, you're better of without him OP.

P. Breathnach

Even before I got to the voicemail and what it led to, the story looked bad to my eyes. You were out for the evening, supposedly together, and he neglected you so much that you went home.

His behaviour was unacceptable, but I also think your way of dealing with it was not the best, because it looks as if you were not sufficiently assertive. I don't like to play amateur psychologist, but it might be that you have not fully got over the effects of your earlier abusive relationship if you put up with his treating you like that.

If he cared enough for you, your going home should have been the end of his night out. It looks as if it was the start. [What about the mutual friends? Did they not see a situation develop and try to prevent the problem?]

You are entitled to more respect than that.

I am a friend

Ah pet this is really NOT your fault. You have been unlucky and it could happen to any of us. It does sound like he was acting odd and maybe wanted you to head off early so he could do what he wanted.

Dont give him any chances. Crocodile tears and you can and will do so much better.

Ann84

Thank you all for your replies. Pretty strong response in the negative... I guess it's just not really sinking in because I still dont seem to be feeling anything, I dont feel really angry, Im not even able to cry...
Is it possible that one can block out certain reactions?

I really just want to be sure before I make any decision as I do really care for this man. There is no circumstance where we could get over this? This is completely unacceptable?
I really do seem to have a warped sense of what is tolerable in a relationship which is pretty damn depressing right now. Actually, that realisation is more depressing than being cheated on right now!!
I was hoping that after taking 2 years away from relationships, just to date, would have given me a sense of who would be right for me.
I have been through counselling when my last relationship ended, to the point where I didnt feel the need for it and just wanted to develop a sense of me!
All I keep thinking is, I couldnt be THIS unlucky, could I!?!

Thanks again for the rational perspective on this, I hope I can actually deal with this properly and get some healthy reaction out of myself!!!

I am a friend

Ann84 wrote: »

There is no circumstance where we could get over this?

Ann84 wrote: »

This is completely unacceptable?

What do you think the answers are to the above 2 questions as they will be different for erveryone (but I suspect 95% of people would think there is no getting over this and that its not acceptable).

Ann84 wrote: »

All I keep thinking is, I couldnt be THIS unlucky, could I!?!

Yes you could and I think if you have the strength to find your own inner worth and dump this guy it will be a big boost for your confidence.. He has screwed you over, if you let him do it again, it will damage your self esteem even more.

dellas1979

You poor thing.

You are in shock. Its delayed, moreso because you dont want to believe it. And the anger and sadness and all the emotions will come.

Look, the long and short of the story is is that if you run now, you'll have the break up feeling for a while (he ****ed it up remember now, not you), or stay and youll probably never trust him again. Its a person from work, who hell probably see on a daily basis.

PS: What ever happens, you should let him listen to that voicemail.

P. Breathnach

Ann84 wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies. Pretty strong response in the negative... I guess it's just not really sinking in because I still dont seem to be feeling anything, I dont feel really angry, Im not even able to cry...

You have put your finger on something that is important: you probably should be experiencing some strong feelings, because what happened is a big deal.

Is it possible that one can block out certain reactions?

Yes, of course. It happens quite a lot. It's one of our ways of protecting ourselves.

I really just want to be sure before I make any decision

Quite right.

as I do really care for this man.

This is the man who neglected you on a night out, didn't seem to react appropriately when you gave up and went home, and ended up in bed with somebody else. Do you care for him, or for an idea of him that does not conform with reality?

There is no circumstance where we could get over this? This is completely unacceptable?

Two really big and difficult questions! I don't know you, and I don't know him, so it would be wrong for me to answer them. I don't think it is wrong to say that I think that for most people that would signal the end of their relationship.

I really do seem to have a warped sense of what is tolerable in a relationship which is pretty damn depressing right now.

Again, I think you have put your finger on a really important thing.

Actually, that realisation is more depressing than being cheated on right now!!

But having that realisation is good.

I was hoping that after taking 2 years away from relationships, just to date, would have given me a sense of who would be right for me.

It's a sad fact of life that every new relationship involves psychological risk. You aren't going to get it right every time.

I have been through counselling when my last relationship ended, to the point where I didnt feel the need for it and just wanted to develop a sense of me!
All I keep thinking is, I couldnt be THIS unlucky, could I!?!

You could. So could anybody, so don't think that the world is singling you out for especially bad treatment.

Thanks again for the rational perspective on this, I hope I can actually deal with this properly and get some healthy reaction out of myself!!!

I like what I am hearing here: yes, you need some healthy reaction. When this sinks in, I am sure that you will experience it.

It won't be easy: such things never are. But you should come through it and be a bit stronger and wiser for it.

Payton

Ann84 wrote: »

I dont seem to be that upset, but that in itself is worrying me! I am wondering if I can function in a relationship at all at this stage. Considering this is the first guy I've dated since my HORRIBLE ex, I am now wondering, is it me?

Hi OP, you have been messed around big time...but the paragraph above speaks volumes that your not ready for a relationship, you really need to seek counselling to get rid of those issues of insecurities.
TBH your better of rid of those low lifes from your life. Time to work on yourself now. Your not in the right mind frame for a relationship....but with time and professional help you will find happiness.
Best of luck.