Anyone any experience of emotional unavailability?

LegacyUser

Seeing a guy 5 months - great guy, fun times - I'm 31 he is 33.

We met online, he didn't really seem like my type but we live quite close to eachother and he was a little persistent so I went along and was pleasantly surprised!

Neither of us are in to "online dating" per say, both of us had deleted our profiles before we ever met up and we were friends on Facebook a good while before the date even happened - he's not a big facebooker but was online almost every day chatting to me for a few weeks before we went out

(I'm just including this info to show how much he does seem to want a relationship despite the next bit....)

So, I was pleasantly surprised when I met him, good looking, well dressed, fun, happy - definite spark between us! We saw each other every other day for the first 2 weeks, then he went away for 2 weeks and he stayed in touch pretty much daily.

Then he came back and he seemed to take up from where we left off but he was calling me less, texting instead, seeing me less, being available less - he had gone back to Football training so I put it down to this and him being tired and it all being very new...

It doesn't feel like we were a couple even though according to him we are, I don't feel like I can call him and if I try to bring up a conversation involving emotion he almost has a panic attack on the spot....Now, I should add - one of his best friends died very suddenly 2 weeks before I met him - and he still struggles with this, I've kind of accounted everything to this and tried to be as understanding as I could be

So - my best mate stumbled across this website - http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/

It is uncanny how many of my questions were answered - It's like it was written about him!

Anyway - I wasn't going to ignore this so met up with him on Saturday and said I couldn't continue on not knowing what was going on with us, not getting any reassurance, doing everything on his schedule and with him not opening up (the main problem is the opening up). He was visibly uncomfortable having the conversation and didn't say a whole lot but said he saw where I was coming from and he didn't want us to end.

Then yesterday I got a message saying he was fond of me but because of all the stuff going on in his head about his friend he just can't figure out any emotion at all....and he said if the timing was different he knows things would have worked out really well.

-The bloody article says these guys use this as an excuse and I don't want to be an eejit

So, I told him that I like him and would hang about if it was temporary as I would hate people to walk out on me if I was going through a ****ty time but I would still need reassurance now and again and I'm not sure he's able for that - and maybe he'd be better off on his own right now.

So - I have heard nothing back yet (not unusual for him)

Basically - am I daft to decide what to do based on a random but scarily accurate internet article?

Is it possible this is temporary and he's worth waiting for? (I really like him)

Thanks

ihsb

OP, I think you have done pretty much everything you can. You have said you will be there for him if he needs you to. And you have told him that you cannot carry on in the relationship as it is.

The only thing I would add is that he should have a time frame. You saying this to him and then sitting around waiting for him to get back to you is uncool. Tell him that you need a decision on whether or not he wants to work on you as a couple, and tell him that you need the decision in the next week.

This will put the pressure on him to stop dragging his feet and also will let you know where you stand sooner rather then later. This way you can either move on from him or get working on the relationship.

Ickle Magoo

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Anny Hall

Hi Op,

I do have experience of an emotionally unavailable man and it was head wrecking. I didn't know how much until we broke up and I could see things more clearly.

While we were dating he had lots of nice qualities but emotions were off limits. A couple of times I asked for reassurance about the relationship and was made to feel needy. Problems were not discussed, communication was via text. He told me little about himself and I never knew what he was thinking/feeling. That meant was always on back foot second guessing!

Didn't last long but do not underestimate guys like this! They can be nice people and that can hook you in. I was starting to make excuses for him and starting to doubt myself but my gut kept telling me this wasn't right. What does your gut say?

Final thing guys like this who don't emotionally commit can easily walk away from relationship at any stage even years as they have invested so little of themselves really and quickly move on to next person.

Good luck OP, trust your instincts and think of yourself in all of this.

Yeah Yeah Yeah

To be honest and to the point. Move on, forget him. IMO he hasnt got a clue what he wants. Don't let him waste your time.

If he does this now, expect a lot of the same ahead. Move on.

Wishing you all the best.

Lon Dubh

Anny Hall wrote: »

Hi Op,

Didn't last long but do not underestimate guys like this! They can be nice people and that can hook you in. I was starting to make excuses for him and starting to doubt myself but my gut kept telling me this wasn't right. What does your gut say?

Final thing guys like this who don't emotionally commit can easily walk away from relationship at any stage even years as they have invested so little of themselves really and quickly move on to next person.

Good luck OP, trust your instincts and think of yourself in all of this.

+1. I have experiened someone emotionally unavailable, but I didn't really understand what that was even until it all went splat and I started trying to figure out what went wrong.

I think you should just walk away from this one as it will just get more headwrecking as time goes on, even if he is nice and means well and treats you well otherwise. His long-term personality might be like this, even if current stresses might be making it worse. But whether it is a shorter- or longer-term problem he is not able to be in a committed relationship right now.

The person I was with was very nice, initially really into me and the one doing the pursuing. He treated me very well (so no obvious things to worry or complain about on my part), but he basically kept me at arms length emotionally, rather than opening up more as time went on.

Looking back, he also seemed to be very emotionally distant with everyone else in his life, even more so than he was with me , so it was probably an ingrained lifetime habit.

He dumped me in the end and I did not see it coming. I was very cut up at the time, but looking back he probably did the right thing as he just wasn't in a good state of mind to be in a relationship.

daisybelle2008

To be honest, it seems to me like you are making a lot of excuses and putting a lot of energy into analysing and second guessing his behaviour. I don't get how the bit at the beginning shows that he does seem to want a relationship like you seem to think.

My feeling on this is if it is not feeling really good to YOU then move on. Really keep it that simple. Don't be pschoanylysing him and trying to second guess his motives. In my experience that is an excuse to ignore our own instincts and justify behaviour that does not feel good in a relationship.

Your gut instinct is telling your this is wrong for you, you are looking for excuses to ignore it. And as you are not getting 'reassurance' from him you are looking for people outside of the relationship to reassure you and tell you hang in there. A good relationship does not NEED reassurance.

Look you really have to just look inside yourself and decide if you want to continue to sell yourself short. If your requirements for a relationship are to feel good, enough contact that it is not an issue (not too much or too little), good open communication, someone in touch with their emotions, then why on earth would you stay with this guy who is the complete opposite on the 'chance' it is all going to change.

The honeymoon period is the first 6 months, it is NOT the time to be 'hanging in there' with a guy with a load of issues.

This making excuses for behaviour in the early stages is absolutely nuts to me. It is when you start to compromise your values and show your insecurity and cling onto something bad.

To be honest justifying someone treating you in a way that you don't want, 'because they are going through a sh*tty time' is a slippery slope. Let him go through his sh'tty time and sort himself out first.
Why should you be miserable as a result. He honestly won't thank you for it in the end. You will look like someone to him who is a bit of a doormat and doesn't value her own happiness and put her needs first.

Don't be one of those girls on here saying you were strung along and dumped and what an assh*le the guy is, when you can see they ignored all the warning signs at the beginning and instead believed a little empty line or were to insecure to let go of a bad thing.

Don't base walking away it on the article, base it on the fact in your heart you know this is making you anxious, uncertain and insecure, the fact it is not what you want from a healthy relationship and that you are secure enough in yourself to walk away from something that does not feel right and has you writing in RI and reading articles for reassurance outside the relationship.

And for Gods sake, base your decisions on how the relationship is NOW, not some vague promise of how it might be down the line.

tis a fine line

I had to log in specifically to thank Daisybelle for the post.

It is the best advice I've seen on here ever. In my opinion it is 100% right. We have our gut instinct for a reason.

It's about time us women (myself included) started listening to our intuition. The warning signs are always there, we just choose to ignore them until way too late.

Thank you Daisybelle, I needed to hear that xxx

I am a friend

Op your gut is screaming but you are doggedly trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole. I started and maintained my relationship in the midst of a tremendous tragedy in our family so that's a cop out. When something bad happens to someone close you value relationships more, not less. No point what the label is for him. He isn't making you happy just a few months in so move on and quit torturing yourself.

LegacyUser

just on this from a guys point of view,

I had the same problem with a girl i was going with, I could always sense that something was "not right" and that anytime a problem came up she tended to run a mile.

first of all your are needy OP IMO but were all needy and what the hell is wrong with that?, but I will say the guys head is probably all over the place and he probably is one of those people that hides their emotions and has probably being doing that for years with everyone,and if your the other person it can be terribly infuriating not knowing where you stand etc.

id take a different tack id keep trying to talk and if he still dosent listen id go agaisnt his plans one night and say " id like to spend time with you but whats the point if i cant talk to you"-without sounding like you having a go at him that might wake him up a bit and if he still dosent want to know id tell him listen i deserve a relationship where we communicate and that and if he dosent want to try then id leave with my head held high

Idle Passerby

I don't think that his being in contact with you over facebook etc. before you met up is necessarily an indication that he wants a relationship. It sounds like he was fine being in touch with you when you were just words and pictures on a screen but real interaction has sent him running.

It sounds like he likes the idea of having a relationship but not the reality of getting to know someone and spending time with them. Give him some time if you want but waiting for him, and letting him know thats what your doing is probably just giving him the impression that he can come back to you whenever he feels like it.