got mate in trouble with the misses

LegacyUser

hey guys

just looking for a bit of advice

my mate was with a girl during the week not the girl he has been seeing this last few months and she had cornered me then on a night out over the weekend and said did anything go on because he had been very cold towards her and of course i opened my big mouth and told her as i didnt like the thing that he had done and this wasnt the first time
but i know that i should have kept my nose out of the situation and it was none of my business


of course he has found out that she knows and asked me yesterday was it me,there are a few people knows what went on but i told him it wasnt me,i was talking to him on the phone as he is away at the minute but due back on monday

it is really annoying me that i put myself into this situation,any advice on how i can sort this out as best as is possible

Idle Passerby

Just because your his friend does not mean it is your duty to cover his grubby tracks. He was stupid enough to cheat in public it was only a matter of time before the sh1t hit the fan. I think you did the right thing tbh. I can understand you dont want to be involved in it and thats why you denied it to him. It sounds like he already strongly suspects it was you anyway, and will probably ask again. Id level with him and say you dont agree with what he did and you didnt want to lie to someone for him.

curlzy

I agree with the others, you did the right thing. Being someone's friend does not oblidge you to treat someone like crap on their behalf, she asked you and you told her the truth, you have nothing to feel bad about. I've done the same in your situation in the past because I can't stand cheaters be they a friend or not, and if I see someone being cheated on I tell them. It has yet to bite me in the ass.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies

it has made me feel a bit better but not much,i actually hate the situation that he has got himself into and the thing about it the next day he laughed about it and i guess that stuck in my mind

the girl that he was seeing actually said to me that she had wanted to hopefully bump into me as she knew i would tell the truth and i guess that makes me feel a bit better.

but never do i want to be put into this situation again nor put myself into this situation again

I am a friend

Well dump your friend then....

LegacyUser

I'll try and offer you another perspective on the predicament that you find yourself in; it wont be an opinion shared or agreed with by many above who posted before me and perhaps by those yet to offer or post suggestions but for me what you did was wrong and you broke a golden rule between friends.
Firstly you should have covered for your mate as that's what other mates do. What friends don't do is spill their guts out to their mates girlfriend and then lie to their mates that they didn't sell them out. When your mate finds out that you lied to him and that it was in fact you who told his girlfriend what he was up to you might be in for a frosty reception.
What you should have done is tell your mate his new missus has been asking what he has been up to when ye have been out and that you have no interest in being caught in the middle.

Starokan

To be fair to you , you didn't put yourself in the situation, the other two parties did. You answered honestly, Its clear from your post that you don't want your friend to find out it was you and I hope the girl in question is decent enough to keep her mouth shut as to where she heard it from.

Its a difficult situation that you have had to deal with , choosing between a friend and the truth is unbelievably hard.

iguana

Another Perspective wrote: »

What friends don't do is spill their guts out to their mates girlfriend and then lie to their mates that they didn't sell them out.

Nope, what friends don't do is put their mates in the position of having to lie for them. Real life isn't a crappy teen movie with a stupid 'bro code' for guys to live by.

Idle Passerby

Another Perspective wrote: »

I'll try and offer you another perspective on the predicament that you find yourself in; it wont be an opinion shared or agreed with by many above who posted before me and perhaps by those yet to offer or post suggestions but for me what you did was wrong and you broke a golden rule between friends.
Firstly you should have covered for your mate as that's what other mates do. What friends don't do is spill their guts out to their mates girlfriend and then lie to their mates that they didn't sell them out. When your mate finds out that you lied to him and that it was in fact you who told his girlfriend what he was up to you might be in for a frosty reception.
What you should have done is tell your mate his new missus has been asking what he has been up to when ye have been out and that you have no interest in being caught in the middle.

Maybe it was breaking some "golden rule" of male friendship to tell but when a "friend" expects his buddies to turn a blind eye to behavior they disagree with and cover up that behavior by lieing to injured parties when they don't even have the tact to keep it discreet, that is a very unfair expectation to have of a friend.

That kind of friendship rule is only in place to ensure people can carry on in ways they are well aware would hurt others in the belief that if everyone has dirt on each other it somehow makes it all ok because its in the "friendship vault". It doesn't.

There is a person here who has been taken for a fool, disrespected and laughed at by her own boyfriend. Why should the OP have any obligation to protect the person that didn't even stop to think he was hurting someone he is supposed to care about.

This girl was suspicious, she's obviously not as much of a fool as her boyfriend takes her for. The OP should feel no obligation to help his friend pull the wool over her eyes.

Chucky the tree

Pretty poor form spilling your guts. People can knock silly "bro code" all they like but it's pretty important in any type of friendship. You don't screw over a friend, either male or female. Now your mate acted out of order, but you should have pulled his aside and told him what he's doing isn't acceptable and he has to cut that out, specially around you. Hanging him to his misses the first chance you got was pretty terrible. Not only that but then you lie about it, at least have the balls to admit what you did in case another friend gets falsely blamed for it.

hattoncracker

It's not like you actively sought her our and told her, so this BS of betraying your friend is quite frankly horsesh*t..

She asked and you told the truth... If I was in your friends situation I would never expect someone else to lie for me. He didn't even try and have the respect for you to hide what he was doing.

You told the truth, that's always the right thing, no matter how uncomfortable.

username123

Chucky the tree wrote: »

People can knock silly "bro code" all they like but it's pretty important in any type of friendship.

I think you will find as you get older that people act according to their own moral compass and not according to a 'bro code'. Its the same way that men tend to stop going round on BMX bikes together after a certain age - its childish.

When people are in adult relationships they cover their own backs and dont expect other people to cover for them.

theg81der

Why did she ask you Op? Is it because she considers you a friend herself? Is it because she may have an incling you like her? or is it just because you`re the weakest link?

If your motives for telling her are less than pure then I would say you have done something wrongish. If its as simple as you were the weakest link and she knew it then your friends a dumb ass for leaving you in that situation anyway.

If you dislikes his gf would you have been as likely to say when cornered?

I would have said in this situation - look this is none of my business and you need to ask the person your going out with. Simple! Nothing to do with any code of friendship and I believe there are times when you should say things. A few months into a relationship, which clearly isn`t serious, is not one of them.

LegacyUser

op here again

i rang him last night and owned up.i didnt try to bull**** i just told him i dont know why i did it and that if its a case our friendship ends then so be it.

the thing is the problems with the grilfriend of his is not the biggest of his problems at the minute,his job hangs in the balance due to the fact that the girl he was with is a student even though he didnt know she was a student as he teaches in a massive school and he knows that he has to come clean about it

@theg81der i really dont know her reasons for seeking me out to ask me and i know that i do like her as a person but nothing more than that

on another note i always told my friend that sometime his behaviour was gonna catch up with him and now it has i do feel sorry for him but at the end of the day trust between us has gone and its very hard to get that back

bouncebouncey

I'd wonder why she picked you out myself? If she perceived you as the most likely to crack then she's really not done you any favours here.

In future what you should do if one of your friends is playing away from home is tell them you won't be covering their arse if you get confronted about it by their 'girlfriend'/the one who isn't the bit on the side.

However there is also no need to spill your guts about it to the 'girlfriend'. I'd simply say something along the lines of 'look this is something I think you should be discussing with John rather than me'.

Your friends behaviour isn't on. I think anyone with a brain knows that. However we don't know how long you've been friends with this lad. How long he's been with the 'girlfriend' and some other stuff aside from that.

You might be friends with him for 10+ years. He might only have been seeing her for a month. Some people will say it doesn't matter because it was his behaviour that caused this. Quite frankly it does matter. I wouldn't be falling out with lifelong friends over some girl that is here today and gone tomorrow.

What he was doing/is doing is wrong. No question. He's due all the strife coming to him over it. However you had no need to hang him out to dry by directly telling her what was going on. You should have left it to them to sort out IMO.

Again, if it happens in future tell him (or anyone else) you won't be covering their tracks. And if confronted tell the GF that she needs to talk to her boyfriend about their relationship issues rather than you.

listenup

got mate in trouble with the misses wrote: »

hey guys

just looking for a bit of advice

my mate was with a girl during the week not the girl he has been seeing this last few months and she had cornered me then on a night out over the weekend and said did anything go on because he had been very cold towards her and of course i opened my big mouth and told her as i didnt like the thing that he had done and this wasnt the first time
but i know that i should have kept my nose out of the situation and it was none of my business


of course he has found out that she knows and asked me yesterday was it me,there are a few people knows what went on but i told him it wasnt me,i was talking to him on the phone as he is away at the minute but due back on monday

it is really annoying me that i put myself into this situation,any advice on how i can sort this out as best as is possible

we all know your type your johnny good guy who loves his mates bird and can't have her so you dob him in it SHAME ON YOU DUDE !

theg81der

listenup wrote: »

we all know your type your johnny good guy who loves his mates bird and can't have her so you dob him in it SHAME ON YOU DUDE !

Maybe, maybe not...we have no evidence to back up that statement. However Op - do you think there could be an eliment of jealousy?

Linoge

This "bro code" sht is annoying. Its not a bro code to expect some loyalty from your friends. If you dont like the way your friend acts, stop being friends with him. He acted like a prick and you disagree with it - why are you even trying to rectify it?

And "the situation" other posters are saying that you were put in? What situation?! That you have to talk to some girl you barely know and tell her to feck off? If she was your friend too fair enough, but god, you dont even know the girl by the sounds of it?

You had no problem lying to your friend when you felt you did wrong funnily enough. If you really did feel so righteous you would have had no problem telling him what was what the first time.

Johnny_BravoIII

Whether you like it or not this was a huge mistake.
Your loyalty was to your mate.
His short-term relationship with this new girl was his own business.
This girl was asking you for advice, not for a confession of his cheating.
Your only course of action in this situation is to say what you think to your mate.

Anyways, what gives you the right to be moral judge & executioner in your friends lives?

You will never be trusted by any of your male friends again for "lads nights out" or trips abroad, stags.
You may find yourself being slowly excluded from this social circle.

Maple

listenup wrote: »

got mate in trouble with the misses wrote: »

hey guys

just looking for a bit of advice

my mate was with a girl during the week not the girl he has been seeing this last few months and she had cornered me then on a night out over the weekend and said did anything go on because he had been very cold towards her and of course i opened my big mouth and told her as i didnt like the thing that he had done and this wasnt the first time
but i know that i should have kept my nose out of the situation and it was none of my business


of course he has found out that she knows and asked me yesterday was it me,there are a few people knows what went on but i told him it wasnt me,i was talking to him on the phone as he is away at the minute but due back on monday

it is really annoying me that i put myself into this situation,any advice on how i can sort this out as best as is possible

we all know your type your johnny good guy who loves his mates bird and can't have her so you dob him in it SHAME ON YOU DUDE !

Please refrain from posting such rubbish on the forum again. Keep the advice constructive and helpful and have a read of the charter before posting again.

Malle

Idle Passerby

got mate in trouble with the misses wrote: »

op here again

i rang him last night and owned up.i didnt try to bull**** i just told him i dont know why i did it and that if its a case our friendship ends then so be it.

the thing is the problems with the grilfriend of his is not the biggest of his problems at the minute,his job hangs in the balance due to the fact that the girl he was with is a student even though he didnt know she was a student as he teaches in a massive school and he knows that he has to come clean about it

@theg81der i really dont know her reasons for seeking me out to ask me and i know that i do like her as a person but nothing more than that

on another note i always told my friend that sometime his behaviour was gonna catch up with him and now it has i do feel sorry for him but at the end of the day trust between us has gone and its very hard to get that back

Well done OP. Your former friend sounds like an idiot. He thinks its funny to cheat on and laugh at a girl he's seeing and it turns out she's a student in his school! Ugh!

ShiverinEskimo

Should have kept your mouth shut. It's all been said about your friend by the high-horse moral outrage brigade, but you had no business getting involved and going behind your friend's back.

A friend you can't trust is no friend at all.

LegacyUser

got mate in trouble with the misses wrote: »

i rang him last night and owned up.i didnt try to bull**** i just told him i dont know why i did it and that if its a case our friendship ends then so be it

You did the right thing by telling your mate what you did.

got mate in trouble with the misses wrote: »

on another note i always told my friend that sometime his behaviour was gonna catch up with him and now it has i do feel sorry for him but at the end of the day trust between us has gone and its very hard to get that back

OP everyone makes mistakes and its only by making mistakes that we can learn and grow as people. You should help him in this difficult period he now finds himself in if you can or if he will let you help. If he does not want your help move on.

iguana wrote: »

Real life isn't a crappy teen movie with a stupid 'bro code' for guys to live by.

Lastly OP you would do well to give this opinion a wide berth. Life is real as iguana has pointed out however there are unwritten rule's between friends that exist and they existed long before crappy teen movies ever highlighted them. Standby your friends, when they are wrong tell them and deal with the consequences and when they need help support them

Taltos

OP - I am totally with you on being honest.

She pointedly came to you and asked because chances are she already knew what was going on and trusted you to be honest.
Fair dues. It takes someone with a strong moral compass not to buckle under these unwritten rules malarky. Face it - if he wanted to carry and not have her find out he would have been a bit more careful.

Personally just continue to be honest now if asked about this. Admit you told her because she asked you and how dare he put you in a position where you had to choose to either lie and betray yourself or to be true to yourself and betray him.

Well done.

Mr Alan

Rats out tbh

Ickle Magoo

Mr Alan, this is an advice forum - if you have no mature, civil and constructive advice to offer the OP on the issue they posted about, kindly refrain from posting. Please be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven't done so already, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.


As per site policy, if you have an issue with any moderator instruction or request please contact a relevant moderator via PM - DO NOT drag the thread further off-topic by responding on-thread

Mr Alan

Fine.

OP, whether or not your friend cheats on his girlfriend is none of your business. You should have stayed well clear & simply told the girlfriend that it was nothing to do with you & to talk to him if she had queries like that.

In my opinion you have betrayed your friend by telling his girlfriend he cheated on her. I think it was an appalling breach of trust tbh (unless you are also good friends with the girl in question) and I doubt your friend will consider you a friend any longer when he finds out.

In summary, rats out.

Taltos

Mr Alan

Abuse of posters is not tolerated. Dressing up this abuse fools nobody. If you have not already done do please review our charter.

Taltos

Xavi6

Mr Alan summed it up very well. It's bros before hoes no matter what the high horse brigade say and ultimately the OP has betrayed their mate in favour of some girl.

Should've kept his nose out.

Roar

Mr Alan is spot on in what he says.

As Robert de Niro said in Goodfellas, you never rat on your friends. It's a simple, basic rule. Age old, in fact. Never. What the OP did was a complete breach of trust. Ratting a friend out in a situation like this is unforgivable.

He's going to find out it was you who told her, and if he comes swinging for you, you only have yourself to blame.

Shameful, tbh.

Ickle Magoo

Folks,

What he should or should not have done is irrelevant, what's done is done...the OP was asking for advice on how to proceed - followed by a second post stating they'd now told the mate.

Could posters please read the thread and offer relevant advice please.

omahaid

Hi OP, you've come clean to your friend, hopefully he can forgive you, little more you can do I think...

Xavi6

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

the OP was asking for advice on how to proceed

He should be apologising to his mate at every opportunity for betraying the trust, though he also shouldn't be surprised if he's told where to go.

ShiverinEskimo

Linoge wrote: »

This "bro code" sht is annoying. Its not a bro code to expect some loyalty from your friends. If you dont like the way your friend acts, stop being friends with him. He acted like a prick and you disagree with it - why are you even trying to rectify it?

Not sure about you and your friends but if a mate of mine is doing something I feel strongly against I have the balls and the trust to say it to him. It's not "bro-code" as much as it is "friendship".

I don't just 'stop being friends with him' and I certainly wouldn't run to his missus with the news.

As for asking why he's trying to rectify it I presume their friendship is based on more than just how his mate treats his current girlfriend.

At this point the OP should be doing everything possible to reassure his mate that this was one moment of weakness and that he sees now what his did was wrong.

The next thing he should do is make sure he takes whatever steps necessary to ensure he never, ever, breaks whatever trust there is left.