So down

LegacyUser

I really don't know how to organise this post, so apologies in advance for any rambling.

I suppose I should start by giving some information about myself. I'm an 18 year old girl, currently in 6th year in school. For the last while I've been feeling really down. A few months ago I felt it quite badly. I wasn't sleeping properly, didn't want to get up in the mornings, had no interest in school, and could never focus on my homework or study. So one day it got too much and I had to explain to my mother that I needed a day or two off school, putting it down to exhaustion. So I took a couple of days off and took the time to recharge. I did explain to my mother that I'd been feeling really down, and she was worried (and I was too) that I was depressed.

I felt better after the small break from school, and was able to refocus for a while. I made an appointment with my guidance counsellor and my GP. My guidance counsellor was very helpful, my GP not so much. He gave me some advice, but none of it was very practical. Told me I should be get some exercise (which is fair enough), but the only exercise he would recommend was swimming 5 days a week... when I live nowhere near a pool. He was pretty insistent that swimming was the best option and that walking or running wouldn't have the same effect. He also said to combat the exhaustion that I should eat steadily throughout the day rather than in one big burst at lunchtime. Problem there is I can't exactly eat at any time other than lunch in school. I'm on the pill for regulation of my periods, and I was worried that that might have been having an effect (I had to change from a different pill because it was making me feel very down), but when I mentioned this he just fobbed me off, saying that that wouldn't be the case. I then asked should I go off it just to see and he basically just said "Whatever, it's your choice." He wanted me to go back in a week, and to visit him weekly from then on, but I never did because I didn't like how he'd handled the problem, and I didn't want my parents spending €50 each time if it wasn't going to be any use.

So, I was a bit better for a while. Or maybe I wasn't, I'm really not sure. But either way, now I just feel like crap. I feel exactly the same, I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings, I can't bring myself to do any work. But instead of doing anything, I just get frustrated that I have so much to do, and then don't do it! I suppose it is overwhelming, and an element of exhaustion. I never get a break from school, from the Leaving Cert. I come home after school and I still have hours of study to do. I'm off for 2 weeks for Easter but it really doesn't feel like it because I've had to go into school for various extra classes, I have a ton of homework and I have oral exams after the holidays that I need to be studying for. But I'm not studying and I'm not doing my work and I really just can't motivate myself. Rather than studying for my Irish oral I've been saying "Oh well, I'm not very good at the oral section anyway," or things like that. Really I just don't want to do anything, at all. I thought it was caused by schoolwork before but now I think that I'm just feeling like this and schoolwork happens to be involved in the equation.

It's not just school that I feel down about, it's everything. I'm very insecure and sometimes I really hate myself. A couple of weeks ago we had to take class photos for the yearbook. I'd been looking at old photos from over the years in school, as people were sending them in for inclusion in the yearbook. In every single one I felt I looked disgusting, like I ruined the whole photo, while everyone else looked perfect. So I spent time in the morning trying to do my hair and makeup so I wouldn't look too bad, but as I did it I just kept thinking how stupid I looked, how disgusting I was. The makeup then got ruined on my way to school anyway and I felt so fed up that I began to cry and couldn't stop. I actually had to ask if I could be left out of the class photo because I was so terrified of ruining it, I'd honestly rather look back on the photos and not see myself than see myself looking horrible as usual with a big red face after I'd been crying. I was made get into the photo in the end and I'm absolutely dreading seeing it, I actually feel anxious thinking about it. I have a boyfriend and he's always telling me not to be silly, that I'm beautiful, but I actually hate him telling me that because I can't see how he'd think that at all, and I think he must be lying to try to make me feel better. Even though I KNOW he really thinks it, I often have to tell him to stop complimenting me because it just feels like he's pitying me.

There's an awful lot more I could go on about but I feel I've rambled on enough as it is. I know what people are going to say. You're going to say to open up to someone, to talk to my family, but I really don't feel like I have support. When I spoke to my mother before, she took me seriously at first, but expected me to feel better almost immediately, expected that if I took some rescue remedy or other such stuff that I'd be fine, and to get on with it. After about a week she just went "Ah you're a lot better now, you aren't depressed, just a bit down" and left it at that. My dad's not supportive at all. His attitude is basically to get on with things, that "everyone feels down sometimes" and that I'm no different to anyone else. I always talk to my boyfriend when I'm feeling like this, but he knows how I am at this stage so when I talk to him I usually just want him to divert my mind away from everything, to talk about something else, rather than talking about the issue itself.

I'm sorry for the awfully pointless post, I'm not even sure what help or advice I'm looking for, but if anyone has anything to offer I'd really appreciate it. If clarification is needed in order to give help then I'm happy to oblige. Thanks.

Taltos

OP please keep in mind no-one here is qualified to offer you a diagnosis, doing so is a breach of our charter and can result in a ban.

Taltos

LegacyUser

I know that and I'm not looking for one. I just have nowhere to turn to and need some advice, anything at all.

going un-reg

Hi OP,

Depression can often be misinterpreted as just someone having a bad day, or just someone who's feeling a bit crappy for a day or so, which is really annoying when you are genuinely depressed.

I've had bouts of depression off and on for about 6 years and I know how affecting it can be to your overall life. I too never wanted to get out of bed, I was insecure, hated how I looked and had no energy to do anything.

Can I ask where this all is stemming from? In my opinion, depression is usually formed from an ongoing issue that's not dealt with and then manifests itself into a bigger issue, evolving into something that feels crippling.

I still haven't dealt with all of my issues, however I know that the times in which I can get my mind thinking straight again, is created by doing things that make me happy, even if they're selfish acts. I know it's a lot easier said than done, but write down a list of the problems you have, put them all down on paper.

It's interesting once you've done this, to see which are real problems and which are just trivial. With each one written down, bulletpoint three ways in which you think you can improve each of the real issues. Perhaps do this with your boyfriend, it would be good for him to know these details so he can provide more support for you.

Remember, he's your boyfriend. I know it's nice that he can take your mind off things, but in the long run, he's only delaying the inevitable. I also know that he can't solve all your issues, but he can help by being more aware of your issues.

I won't lie and tell you that this will be a quick turn around, because it won't be. But I know that I've been getting better over time, and that's been mostly due to the small changes I've been making in my life.

I hope you get things worked out OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the response, I really appreciate it Writing down the problems is a very good idea, I think I'll try that, thanks.

I have suspicions about where this is stemming from but I don't really want to get into specifics on here. There was a big issue a while ago and I think that might be to do with it, but I'm not entirely sure.

lace

Hi OP!

I'd urge you to try a different GP first and foremost. Your GP isn't giving you the support and guidance you need. I know you're worried about how much it will cost your parents but it's important that you get some medical advice first and foremost. If you feel there are underlying issues you'd like to talk over (perhaps the big issue you mentioned) then your doctor will be able to refer you on to someone else who's better able to help you deal with these. A professional will also be able to help you work on how you feel about yourself and your image.

Have another chat with your mum and tell her exactly how you're feeling. If you feel she's not getting the point or it's difficult to talk to her then perhaps write it all down in a little letter (just as you did in this post) and let her read it in her own time. Let her know that you need support and would really appreciate if she could take you to another doctor take the issue a little more seriously.

I'm no doctor, but I know that any kind of exercise usually helps lift my mood! Sometimes it's just a walk to college or town instead of a bus journey, sometimes it's dancing around the kitchen, sometimes it's following a pilates video. I found taking breaks and going for walks really helped me during LC study time.

I know what it's like in Leaving Cert with a mountain of homework and studying piling up, looking like it's never going to get done. Right now, there are some little things you can do to lower the stress. You could make a timetable of short study periods with breaks in between and try to stick to it. Focus on small sections at a time and reward yourself when you've learned something. I found making a list of things to study and actually scratching them off really helped! (though maybe that's just me ) Be sure to take time out from studying to do the things you enjoy - it's seeing your friends or your boyfriend, going to the movies or whatever. The LC can seem like the biggest deal ever but it's important to remember it's not the be-all and end-all. There are loads of ways to get into whatever course you want!

Hope everything goes well OP

jennybean

all above advice is spot on, i can completely relate to your feelings and wish i had dealt with them sooner and its amazing that you are so self aware at your age.
if you are feeling insecure then you need to love yourself more, whenever your alone list the positives about yourself, the things you love and are good at. it really helps me.

Lola B

Hi OP,

I'm really sorry that you are feeling this way. If possible could you go to a different doctor? Or a nurse at the same surgery?

If you do go back you should ask again about the pill. I asked if my change in mood had anything to do with the pill, my doctor said it was possible but I had to stay on it because I was also taking roaccutaine (very strong acne drugs, can't get pregnant on them) anyway I was up every night crying and I decided to go off the pill (I wasn't sexually active), after about two weeks I felt back to normal again.

Since then I have tried a number of different pills. Everyone of them had the same effect, I was crying over nothing, felt really disgusting and ugly. Eventually I found one that didn't affect me in this way. Obviously you have to be extra extra careful if you decide to try different pills, and do whatever the nurse or doctor tells you to do, but it might be worth a shot. I still have times where I feel sad but I now know that the pill I am on is not the root cause, which helps.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here again. Sorry I only got the chance to reply now.

Thanks again for all the above advice. I still feel like I can't really talk to my family, but I think I'll have another chat with the school guidance counsellor school to talk about how I'm feeling. Hopefully she can advise me, I found her very good last time.

RE the pill, I actually went off it for a month to see what it was like, with the intention of seeing my GP again. I never got a chance to so now I've been off it for two months but I'll be going back soon. I feel the same now but I think I'll try a different one anyway, as I did feel better the first month.

One poster above mentioned listing positives about myself to help me feel less insecure, which is a great idea, thanks. Has anyone else got any advice on how to stop feeling self-conscious and insecure? Because that's one thing that I'm really struggling to deal with.