Do I need counselling?

LegacyUser

Hello Boards.ie members,

I came across this forum recently and must say I think the advice given on it is often very good. If you could be so good to give me some advice, I would be very grateful.

I am a guy in my late 20's. All my life I have been very quiet. When I was younger, adults always said to me "You are so quiet". And it was true, I never opened my mouth to those older than me. I rarely talked to anybody. I recall in primary school, there were instances where I just felt I wasnt good enough to hang out with my classmates. How can an 8 year old feel that way? But I did.... I was bullied for a short period in primary school, but not over a sustained period. And I do not think it damaged me in any way. At the time, I had friends in school who put a stop to it.
In secondary school, my quietness continued. I had friends - we would have been the nerdy crew in secondary school and I rarely attended school discos etc. Again, there were some attempts at bullying me but it never really went anywhere. All through my teens, I remember people saying "Oh, he will grow out of the shyness".
Onto college, again I was the quiet guy. I went out with my class mates one night (Ages after starting college) and they were all saying "Oh, you are so quiet in class".
College finishes and I get a job. Again, people comment on how quiet I am. Again, I am known as the quiet shy guy.

I dont want to be constantly known as the quiet guy. I find it very very difficult to talk in groups. But in a 1 on 1 conversation, I am not quiet at all. All this points to a form of social anxiety I think. I dont know what has caused me to be so reserved. I have not had any traumatic events in my life. I have had a very stable family life. It makes me wonder why I am so shy. Why cant I go out on a night out and approach people and talk to them? I do feel very strong bouts of loneliness and I dont have a wide circle of friends. I have never had a romantic relationship either. I wonder if counselling could help me... I am currently a part time student in college where I am entitled to free counselling services. And I am wondering if it would be beneficial to contact them. But I dont want to waste their time either.... There are other students with so much more pressing concerns than me I am sure (those who have suffered abuse etc.)

Taltos

Can I remind the OP and posters no diagnoses please.

LegacyUser

OP I can relate to your post, my whole life I've been the 'shy girl', a tag that has just followed me for years. It is so frustrating, especially as I don't really see myself as being shy, but when people constantly point out your 'shyness' it automatically makes you feel more shy and self concious, it's a vicious circle .

I recently went back to college as a mature student and had to went to see a counsellor for an unrelated matter, through that she touched on my shyness, like you I could never understand why I was shy. Talking to the counsellor however suddenly put a whole new perspective on things for me, I found my shyness was linked back to some pretty deep rooted stuff I was completely unaware of and had never even previously considered.

Definitely go see a counsellor, that's what they're there for. I felt the same as you when I went to see a counsellor the first time, felt I was wasting their time but people go to see counsellors for all sorts of problems,it doesn't have to be an extreme one. And they will also only keep seeing you as much as they feel you need to see them. I'm not sure the protocol in most colleges but in mine you go to a counsellor who will asses your needs first and then you're assigned to a counsellor who will best fit your needs/problems.

It can be quite daunting the first time you go but honestly for me it's been the best thing I've ever done, the change in my outlook and the way I see things and myself since I've started going has been huge, I'm only sorry I didn't go years ago

All the best OP

Ellie2008

Hi OP,

Firstly there is nothing per se wrong with being quiet and shy, I used to be both I am a lot less so now and I used to hate when people pointed it out it wasn't as if I wasn't aware of it!

I do think you should definitely go for counselling, I have been myself and felt it helped me greatly, I would recommend it to anyone no matter what was troubling them. It really takes a weight off to talk things through with someone. As for feeling your problem is not somehow sufficient, if it's on your mind that's enough.

As regards how you feel approaching people etc. I think we all feel that to some degree, I've been in pubs where I was too intimidated to strike up conversations with people, I was also one referred to at a party as Sleeping Mutey! I think it gets easier with age and practice. Now I don't care as much what people think of me, I know it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things and I realise I have just as much to offer to a conversation as anyone else.

Best of luck, I hope it helps.

GarIT

I don't think you need counselling, but I do believe it would help.

LegacyUser

I think you should go. I've just finished some counselling which I got through work. Initially I went for an unrelated issue but then the counsellor dug deeper and out it all came. 99% of what you've written is me. The only difference is that nobody would ever say I'm quiet but believe me, inside I'm frequently floundering.

In my case, I've come to understand what's at the root of my problem but that's not going to solve it. The counsellor gave me some good advice, set me a task one week and made me feel better about myself. I also gained some insights into myself which were enlightening. I'm not "cured" but I feel more able to handle this problem and am taking steps to try and help myself.

As you said, it's not as if you've got dreadful problems but I think you should go see them. It's kinda telling that it occurred to you to go in the first place. That in itself suggests you feel it's an issue.

ennis81

If you feel it is affecting you and your life then go for counselling, if you don't like it or don't find it benefical then you can stop going so you have nothing to lose, personally it helped me loads, I discovered alot about myself.
There is nothing wrong with being quiet and shy but if it making you miserable and you would prefer to be more out going and confident in yourself give it a go.
Good luck

Overheal

I will say this every time. You're in college, it's there, it's free, it's anonymous, and in my experience I found it helpful and non-judgmental. Do it. Do it every time.

banquo

What Overheal said. +1 x a million.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

saa

If you're making this post it might be fruitful to explore those feelings, its a misconception that you need a massive reason to go to counselling, there must be something wrong with you, you must be crazy, I used to be so embarrassed about the idea of it but its the best thing I ever did for how I think, deal with things and interact with people it has helped me ten fold and I was pretty normal to start with but to be cheesy it makes the hard things easier to get over, the nice things easier to enjoy its like going to the gym for the mind for me.

And as for more serious concerns, do not worry that's not how it works, some councilors are in high demand and some like mine sit in the office twiddling their thumbs for most of the day but that shouldnt devalue your needs, there is always someone who has it worse than ourselves there are always people who have it worse than a particular abuse victim but lets say someone was an abuse victim but there are much more serious cases would you tell them not to go because other people have it worse? Not at all, no matter how easy or hard our lives have been we still have issues with certain things and again counselling is not just for extreme cases.

swiggy

Hey OP
Your message and the responses of others struck a chord with me so I just thought I would share my experience. Like you I was labelled as quiet and it used to really annoy me. I think though being quiet and being shy are two different things. Shyness can equate to being akward in social situtions. I have lots of friends and a good social life and indeed can stand up in front of a group of people and do presentations without a problem so I was never akward in social situations, I just wasn't the loudest in the group.

Like you I thought about going to a counsellor about it and so I went and you know what after the second session the counsellor told me she couldn't help me because there was nothing wrong with me! She said there is nothing wrong being quiet and you know what that is all I needed - somebody to tell me that! I am a quietly assertive person and am always able to stand up for myself and that came across to her so being quiet wasn't a problem in her eyes. But it did still bother me so she gave me some good tips. So I found counselling to be useful. So would definately recommend it especially if you can get it for free.

but as many posters and my counsellor said there is nothing wrong with being quiet. You may have an issue with confidence/assertiveness as a result of being quiet and this is something a counsellor will be able to help you with.


all the best

LegacyUser

I am going to be as blunt and honest about counselling. Anyone would benefit from counselling. You do not have to come from some traumatic past, be an abused child, have a drug or alcohol problem, suffer from a mental illness or other severe obstacles to go like mostpeople think. People with minimal issues would be surprised what they can learn about themselves.

Counselling is very beneficial for a number of reasons: it can help with assertiveness, improve communication skills, boost self-esteem, how to handle stress/anxiety (or learn not to bottle up inside), confront and resolve conflicts, work-related problems, personal reflection and the list goes on and on. I was one of the few who thought you had to be crazy to go and this is the mentality that has to change. You would be surprised what I learned from the process and I came from a very healthy upbringing and was never bullied or teased. I was shy in school and kept to myself and there is nothing wrong about being shy, as long as it does not affect your daily life. I am still shy but I do know how to open up and assert myself with ease.

Since you are in college and its free take advantage of this opportunity. Not only because its free but also because it is available and you are young. Why not nip this problem in the bud now than wait years later when this issue can fester into something more serious? You would be surpised how many people avoid counselling because they think that they have to "man up" or fear that it is a long or life term committent which is bull. People go until they feel they reaped the benefits. If anything, if you have the resources and time,,,go for it, there really is nothing to lose. You would be surpised how much there is to learn about yourself. Ask your counsellor for support groups. Groups are wonderful because they foster empathy and you will meet others and feel less alone and help you come out of your shell.