Sister is getting married and my boyfriend won't come to the wedding

charitychick

Hi Everyone,

My older sister has always travelled abroad and she moved to South America a year ago. She has never been in a relationship before but 6 months ago she emailed to say she was seeing someone. In February she sent me an email announcing they are going to marry in June and that she hoped we could all come. It was a massive shock and I have found it very distressing. I hate the fact she told me over email as we speak on skype and I do not feel that she treats me as a sister (more like a stanger she feels she has to speak to).

As a sister, I have always found her closed behaviour very difficult and have always had the feeling she doesn't care about us here very much. She won't come back for Christmas and it was a stuggle to get her back here when our grandmother died. Almost everything she has done/is planning on doing with this man is going against everything she has been saying over the past 10 years and this is what I find that hardest to cope with.

To make matters worse, my boyfriend of 4.5years has told me he doesn't want to come as it will cost a lot of money and its a family thing. Four weeks after he told me this, I am still struggling to understand why. The wedding is stressing me out (I'm not sleeping well and its affecting my overall health) and its being made worse by the fact he is refusing flatly to come. Is it fair of me to be upset with him? It has made me see our relationship in a whole new light as this the moment in my life where I need the support most.

I understand that it will cost a fair bit of money but as for it being a family affair, I see him as part of my family. He is the other half of me! We were also considering buying a house together next year, so it makes me question how committed he is to me.

Every time I see him (we live in different cities) I get upset about it and its pushing us apart. This does not seem to change his mind and he still does not understand why him not coming is so destressing to me. I keep thinking in my head that my sister is getting married and he has chosen not to be a part of it. He says he loves me and can see a future together, but I am stuggling to see how this is true if he has chosen not to support me for such an important event that I am clearly stuggling with. How can I (/we) move past this? I don't know what to do trying to cope with the wedding along with the resulting relationship issues is putting a massive strain on me.

daisybelle2008

OP, I think you are being incredibly unreasonable. You don't have a great relationship with your sister and have little positive to say about her.
Why would you expect your boyfriend to travel half way round the world at great expense to attend the wedding of two people he doesn't know? And listen to your negative judgements about the situation. Does not sound enjoyable at all.
Just because you are overdramatising things and stressing yourself out and judging your sister.
You go to the wedding with your family. All the 'stress'you want your boyfriend to support you with is self created. Seriously respect that your sister is an individual and living her life the way she sees fit. Be a little more supportive and a lot less judgemental. I would hazard she emailed you because it is hard to confide in someone who does not accept your decions. Try to love your sister and boyfriend a little more unconditionally. The are not there to live their lives the way YOU see fit.

woodchuck

To be honest I can see where he’s coming from… travelling to another continent for a wedding would be massively expensive! And from the sounds of it he might never have even met her? Maybe that’s what he meant by a ‘family thing’.

Maybe try to talk to him about it without getting upset and try to understand where he’s coming from too. Don’t underestimate the financial burden of it all. If it was in the same country would he go? (I’m guessing he would)

To be honest I’m finding it hard to understand why you’re so stressed about the wedding and why it’s so important for your boyfriend to be there? I get that you don't feel very close to your sister and she doesn't come home to visit much, but unless there's more to it I don't see why you're getting as upset about the wedding as you are. Is there any more detail you can give us that might help us advise you better? To me this seems to be the bigger issue for you than your boyfriend not going with you.

Big Bag of Chips

I have 2 sisters. I am not "close" to either of of them. I would be much closer to my friends. Some families are close, some aren't. You can't force your sister to be close to you.

I do agree that all this "stress" you talk about is self made. Why are YOU stressed about your sister getting married? What exactly about it is causing you stress? Has she asked you to organise it , or do something specific that you are not comfortable with.

So you don't know the fella.... you don't need to. You're not marrying him! Your sister is. I am married 9 years this month. I knew within 2 weeks of being with my husband that he was "the one"! Within 5 months of being together we had bought and moved into our own house. My mother was appalled. Thought I was rushing it, didn't know what I was doing etc... but, so what! It wasn't her life. She didn't have to know/trust/like him in order for me to love him.

I also always said I'd never get married... and there I was planning my married life after 2 weeks!! People change their minds when life happens! Your sister chooses to live her life differently to how you choose to live yours. That doesn't mean her choices should cause you stress or upset. Because, apart from being her sister, what affect do her choices have on you? If this marriage falls apart and doesn't work out - will it have a detrimental affect on your relationship with her?

You haven't really said what the stress is that is causing you to argue with your boyfriend all the time... but looking in from the outside, with the little information you have given, I think you are being unfair on him, and causing fuss where there really is none.

CarMe

Ok first of all you really need to calm down. How old is your sister? Your sister getting married really should not be causing you so much stress, it sounds like there may be an underlining issue regarding worry or stress that maybe you should speak to your doctor about?
As for your boyfriend not going, why would he? You don't even seem very happy for your sister and with how you have been affected by the news, i probably wouldn't go either. That's putting the money issues and time off work a side!
Take a step back, examine the situation and your behaviour and perhaps you'll see it's not really a very big deal at all.
Wishing you all the best.

R.D. aka MR.D

Can he afford to go? I think this is a very important question. Does he have the money completely spare to pay for a trip to South America? Is he able to get the time off hassle free?

If he is loaded and has great holidays from work then I would think you are being reasonable but asking the average person to pay for a trip to South America to a wedding is a bit much.

Why is the wedding so stressful that you would need support?! That sounds strange.

username123

What are you so stressed about? Your sister is getting married - so what? She is entitled to live her own life. I dont understand this attitude you seem to have about her, saying it was a struggle to get her back after your grandmothers death - why would you be controlling another persons location like that? If she wants to come back let her come back, otherwise let her off - its her decision surely?

Why would she tell you on skype if, as you describe, she treats you as someone she has to speak to - you sound like someone she only tolerates because she has to. And if thats the case why all the forcing her to behave a certain way? I dont get it? Why all the need to control other people.

Same with the boyfriend. Why would he go to the wedding? It will be expensive. You are not close with your sister. Why would you go to it? Why do you need to be supported for it?

I can only assume you are very young, although you do talk about buying a house with your bf so maybe not that young - but i think its important that you learn that people will behave however they like and trying to control that is just silly, futile, annoying and immature. People are entitled to live their own lives.

Maybe your sister is getting married away at short notice in order to dissuade any family from coming to it?

The Lovely Muffin

OP you are being very unreasonable. I just looked up flights from Dublin to Buenos Aires on skyscanner.net and they range in price from €1,00 up to €4k and prices for Dublin to Brazil range form €846 to €4k.

http://www.skyscanner.ie/flights/dub/eze/120621/120629/airfares-from-dublin-to-buenos-aires-ministro-pistarini-in-june-2012.html *

http://www.skyscanner.ie/flights/dub/gig/120621/120629/airfares-from-dublin-to-rio-de-janeiro-internacional-in-june-2012.html *

I don't know of anyone who could afford such prices for flights. You then have accommodation, wedding present, wedding outfits (if you buy new outfits), spending money etc. it all add's up to quite an amount, and not every has such money to spend, especially in these economic times.

We were also considering buying a house together next year, so it makes me question how committed he is to me.

Maybe your boyfriend thinks the hundreds, if not thousands it would cost to go to South America would be better of being put towards your new home together, deposit, renovations etc.

Honestly you need to back off your boyfriend and stop being so unfair to him.

I agree with daisybelle2008. Has your boyfriend explained to you why he can't/won't go? If he hasn't, ask him. But don't force him to go and stop pressurising him about it.

If the tables were turned - and he was in your situation and you his - how would you feel if he was treating you as you are treating him? Would you like it? Would you be happy? I'm guessing you wouldn't like it, so maybe put yourself in your boyfriends shoes for a bit, and think about how you are treating him and making him feel.

*used Buenos Aires and Brazil as examples.

daisybelle2008

I would add that, your sister has found someone she loves enough to marry after never having had a relationship. Surely that is cause to celebrate and be happy for her. Not sleeping and stressing so much it is affecting your health is really not a rational reaction.
Can you see how it would be the last thing your boyfriend would want to do, to go half way around the world so you can pick fault and judge your sister unfavourably. By support you mean be a passive sounding board to your negative opinions. I am surprised your sister even wants ye there with yer big miserable judgemental heads. Weddings are meant to be happy occasions.

gubbie

Don't forget, you'll also have your family there to lean on. It may not be the same as having your boyfriend there, but it's not worth losing him over

Killed By Death

I don't understand why you are so stressed about your sister getting married? By your own admission you two are not close, I'm having difficulty in understanding why you are contemplating going to the wedding never mind dragging your boyfriend halfway accross the world for the wedding of a sister you don't even get on with?

You say the 'stress of the wedding' is affecting your health....that seems a massive overreaction OP....is there something else you are not telling us?

Bubblefett

OP, everything has been said in pervious posts. You're thinking too much into it- him not going is not a personal attack or him telling you he isn't commited to you. I hope the other boardsies help you understand his point of view and you can move on from this and not let it effect your relationship

I am a friend

Maybe he would rather save the money for the house you are talking about buying??? Makes sense to me.

midnight_train

OP, overseas weddings are a huge ask. Esp at the moment, even weddings in the UK/Europe are not doable for a lot of people. And South America?? Seriously, I would only do that for a family member, or a very very close friend, and I would NOT expect a boyfriend to go with me. Bonus if he did, but seriously. He doesn't know your sister or her partner, it's a massive amount of money, and you're not excited about it anyway. Of course it would be much more enjoyable for you if he'd go, but I really think he is not doing anything wrong by refusing. If I was in his position, I wouldn't go either. Let it go.

Taltos

OP has closed their account so closing thread.