Feel guilty for treating myself

LegacyUser

I'll start by saying I love my family and appreciate all they have done for me. BUT...

I've recently realised that I have a total guilt complex when it comes to spending money on myself and that it's mostly caused by my mother. All my life, she's sighed and made me feel awful for buying stuff for myself, whether its make-up or clothes or Starbucks or even 'worthwhile' things like books or music. I'm always made to feel that I don't deserve it. I'm 26 and have been working full time for over 4 years. I moved out of home at 18 and took out student loans to put myself through college and also worked part time, so it's not as if I've been living off my parents' money, but she still comments all the time.

To give a bit of background, I have a respectable, 'proper' but badly paid job. I live in a big city so costs aren't cheap and I spend most of my money on surviving - rent, bills and transport. I live with my boyfriend and I'd say our lifestyle is modest. We often stay in, cook dinner (we buy everything at Aldi and often eat veg only to save money), we rarely buy drinks out, I buy almost all my clothes and stuff for the flat in charity shops. My only indulgences are the odd meal out (once or twice a month) or little treat (nail polish or lipstick). I only get my haircut when I really need to, spend as little as possible and beauty treatments are out of the question. I really don't think I'm materialistic, high maintenance or demanding.

BUT...one of my true pleasures in life is travelling. In the last 2 years, I've been on one holiday and that was a few days in the boyfriend's parents' apartment in Spain which we got almost for free. We just haven't had the money and the travel itch has been getting stronger and stronger. I'm having a real nightmare of a year ATM - my granny, who I lived with for a while as a kid and was close to, suddenly became ill after Christmas and died suddenly 3 weeks ago and 2 days after her funeral, one of my best friends was found dead at her flat - we are still waiting on the post mortem results but the funeral is likely to be in the next week or so. I've been suffering from bad health for a long time now and have a series of hospital appointments lined up for everything from repeated irregular smear tests to chronic fatigue and joint pain. I'm stressed to the gills and I really need a break. Which is why I decided to bite the bullet and book a week's holiday in Italy. I'll be going on my own (boyfriend can't get off work) to do an Italian and cookery course.

So the issue is, I can't really afford this and if I were being sensible, I wouldn't have booked it, but it's getting to the stage where I don't see the point in living if I'm working this hard and yet scraping by, unable to afford any sort of treat. Even my friends on the dole go on package holidays to Tenerife. I'm just dreading my mum finding out. She will give out that I have better things to spend my money on. She just doesn't understand the concept of treating yourself and actually asked me why I feel like I deserve a break just because my granny and friend died. She seems to think life should be hard work and misery or something? I felt SO BAD clicking through the pages on the Ryanair site because I probably can't afford this and should make do without a holiday for another year, but I'm feeling so miserable, I just had to. HELP!

Wompa1

guiltygirl wrote: »

I'll start by saying I love my family and appreciate all they have done for me. BUT...

I've recently realised that I have a total guilt complex when it comes to spending money on myself and that it's mostly caused by my mother. All my life, she's sighed and made me feel awful for buying stuff for myself, whether its make-up or clothes or Starbucks or even 'worthwhile' things like books or music. I'm always made to feel that I don't deserve it. I'm 26 and have been working full time for over 4 years. I moved out of home at 18 and took out student loans to put myself through college and also worked part time, so it's not as if I've been living off my parents' money, but she still comments all the time.

To give a bit of background, I have a respectable, 'proper' but badly paid job. I live in a big city so costs aren't cheap and I spend most of my money on surviving - rent, bills and transport. I live with my boyfriend and I'd say our lifestyle is modest. We often stay in, cook dinner (we buy everything at Aldi and often eat veg only to save money), we rarely buy drinks out, I buy almost all my clothes and stuff for the flat in charity shops. My only indulgences are the odd meal out (once or twice a month) or little treat (nail polish or lipstick). I only get my haircut when I really need to, spend as little as possible and beauty treatments are out of the question. I really don't think I'm materialistic, high maintenance or demanding.

BUT...one of my true pleasures in life is travelling. In the last 2 years, I've been on one holiday and that was a few days in the boyfriend's parents' apartment in Spain which we got almost for free. We just haven't had the money and the travel itch has been getting stronger and stronger. I'm having a real nightmare of a year ATM - my granny, who I lived with for a while as a kid and was close to, suddenly became ill after Christmas and died suddenly 3 weeks ago and 2 days after her funeral, one of my best friends was found dead at her flat - we are still waiting on the post mortem results but the funeral is likely to be in the next week or so. I've been suffering from bad health for a long time now and have a series of hospital appointments lined up for everything from repeated irregular smear tests to chronic fatigue and joint pain. I'm stressed to the gills and I really need a break. Which is why I decided to bite the bullet and book a week's holiday in Italy. I'll be going on my own (boyfriend can't get off work) to do an Italian and cookery course.

So the issue is, I can't really afford this and if I were being sensible, I wouldn't have booked it, but it's getting to the stage where I don't see the point in living if I'm working this hard and yet scraping by, unable to afford any sort of treat. Even my friends on the dole go on package holidays to Tenerife. I'm just dreading my mum finding out. She will give out that I have better things to spend my money on. She just doesn't understand the concept of treating yourself and actually asked me why I feel like I deserve a break just because my granny and friend died. She seems to think life should be hard work and misery or something? I felt SO BAD clicking through the pages on the Ryanair site because I probably can't afford this and should make do without a holiday for another year, but I'm feeling so miserable, I just had to. HELP!

You should re-read what you typed. You are 26 years old and you sound like a teenager living at home. You make the money, you spend it how you want. What's the big deal here? You don't have to feel bad and it shouldn't occur to you to even feel bad

Ickle Magoo

What do you mean by "probably can't afford this", OP? Either you can afford it or you can't - and my response depends on which it is...

LegacyUser

Wompa1 wrote: »

You should re-read what you typed. You are 26 years old and you sound like a teenager living at home. You make the money, you spend it how you want. What's the big deal here? You don't have to feel bad and it shouldn't occur to you to even feel bad

Not really. People who tend to feel bad about spending is because there are underlying issues at place.

Tbh, you need to budget yourself accordingly and be on track financially. Nothing is worse then spending beyond your means because it can get you into serious trouble. No matter what you treat yourself with and it may sound reasonable it may actually not be. I had friends that treated themselves every once in a while and they thought it was innocent stuff but instead it turned into debt that they are struggling to pay off. BTW, have you payed back all your student loans? When I finished uni and was in great debt, I paid all that off, saved some serious money, then treated myself to an exotic vacation. I have friends that are still paying off debt they acquired whilst in uni and from travels and they thought....oh why not? I deserve it attitude. Well some had to move back home and others were in trouble financially and cannot even buy a car or get a mortgage. Also you have to consider what would you do if an emergnecy arises (you can no longer work?) How would you sustain yourself?

As far as treating yourself why not use other methods that do not require money? You can treat yourself to a nice walk in the park, have a picnic with your BF. Instead of treating yourself out to dinner once or twice a month, organise a pot-luck with friends or switch it down to an ice cream or coffee-it is less expensive. Go to a free art exhibit at the museum or another free event in town.

I am certainly not telling you to turn into a miser. It is one thing to be frugal when you have financial restraints then being cheap with lots of money. I will say that it would scare me sh*tless if I was scraping by all the time. It is one thing scraping by at uni as it is temporary but still doing so at your age is a different matter. Why not tackle your financial issues more? Look for another higher paying job or get a part time job on the side? Move into a cheaper flat? Downsize maybe? Cut out unnecessary expenses. Save every bloody receipt and see what you really spend your money on, you would be surpised...believe me. I've done these things when I first started out. And tbh, I only ever felt guilty spending money when I couldn't afford to. I do not think it is the treating yourself aspect that makes you feel guilty. I really think it's based on the fact that you really can't afford it that makes you down. I know if you have savings, debt free, and you were not scraping by-I am sure you would feel less guilty treating yourself and your mother wouldn't be pestering you about it. Do not compare yourself to others including your friends on the dole going on vacation. You might not know what their true financial situation. They could be up to their eyeballs on credit card debt or have some savings and no debt at all. As far as your mother, well it is really none of her business since you are over 18 and not living at home. She probably states her grievances because she is worried for you as she probably sees that you are scraping by. Keep in mind she may come from the generation where people only buy things when absolutely necessary not for the sake of buying them (in their eyes; treating yourself).

Why not put some money aside and watch your savings grow? Then pat yourself on the back and treat yourself to a modest vacation or new outfit. I know you are going through a rough time but why not find other ways to treat yourself that doesn't involve money? As far as this trip to Italy, well if it is paid there is not much you can do about it. Just learn from it and plan better financially for the future. When you are better managed financially and not struggling than you are in a position to treat yourself with money. But if you are scraping by it is not advisable because you are spending beyond your means and it can get you into trouble.

Janedoe10

Lookit if u need to get away to a diff environment go . U have a tough time of it lately . It's hard to grieve . Your man is from a diff generation too so yes holidays away may not factor in to her idea . If its costs u could ask if u could go to your bf parents place ..

LegacyUser

Wompa1 - with all due respect, you just don't get it. Obviously I know I'm making my own money and can spend it on what I want, but this is a HUGE, deepseated issue for me. I've spent my entire life being made to feel bad about buying myself anything. Obviously logic tells me 'just buy what you want' but the issue is that I never really enjoy it because I'm always questioning whether I really 'need' it. I can see the difference between me and other girls who were brought up to believe they deserved nice things and that treating yourself was good, the 'Celtic Tiger' mindset, I guess. I feel like I'm being greedy if I buy a lipstick when I already have a perfectly good lipstick or a coffee in a cafe when I could make one at home. I feel bad for not giving spare cash to charity, even though I already do donate often and volunteer in a charity shop at weekends.

Ickle Magoo - I mean, I don't have a huge amount of savings, so this holiday will pretty much cut them in half. I saved up for this very reason, to be able to travel, but my 'sensible head' tells me to leave the money in the bank in case something happens like I lose my job. My current account is also running a bit low as I bought the flights with my debit card. I'm worried about how much my friend's funeral is going to cost (we need to travel by train and stay over in a hotel) so money is tight this month but I should be just about OK. I'm not talking about putting money on credit cards or getting into debt or anything like that.

unregistered 00123 - I haven't paid back my loan because it doesn't make financial sense to pay it off in one go. I got it in the UK where I studied and still live, and an amount comes out of my paycheck every month automatically. It's not really considered a debt over here because you have your whole life to pay it off and it's not taken into account when you apply for a mortgage etc. It's also interest-free (except for inflation).

I DO do lots of things that don't require money, but the point is, travel is my biggest passion in life and there's no getting around the fact it costs money. Same with dinner out really, we already take breakfast and lunch to work in a bag and have picnics at the weekend and do everything free that's possible, but there's only so much you can do without spending any money at all. As for 'scraping by' -pretty much everyone I know is scraping by, including those well into their thirties. It's an expensive city and salaries don't reflect the cost of living, but if I moved somewhere cheaper, I wouldn't have my job, so it's a vicious circle really. I certainly didn't expect to be earning so little at this age (and by little, I mean £24K, which to some might be a lot, but it isn't a lot here), but then none of us expected the crisis to happen. To be honest, I'm doing well to have a job at all. I've applied for better paid positions and continue to do so every week, and when I do get a reply, it's 'thanks but no thanks'. And I have excellent college results, a Masters and good work experience. I'm strongly considering a move abroad to improve my quality of life if not my salary, but that won't happen until the end of the year at least.

I do already save all my receipts and we're pretty much down to the necessary stuff. As I said, our last indulgence is dinner out and that will be cut out for the next while to help pay for the trip away. We're in a year long lease we can't get out of and to be honest, we already have a good deal on the rent. I know that many people I see living it up are in debt, but it doesn't make me feel any better than I work my arse off and feel bad for booking a holiday. I am up for making extra cash any way I can to ease the burden a bit and this is one area I haven't looked into as much as I should have. I've advertised my services as a private tutor for students and schoolkids and am looking into selling off a lot of books and clothes on Amazon and similar sites, although I'm not sure what the success rate would be for that. Any advice in this area would be EXTREMELY welcome!

sunflower27 - that's exactly how I feel. My friend's sudden death at the age of 25 has shown me that maybe life is too short to be worrying about every penny. I do just need a break. I had to take an afternoon off work last week with stress and exhaustion (haven't been sleeping) and that's why I thought it might be better to just go for it and come back feeling more refreshed. The holiday is actually quite cheap - the course is about £280 and flights £100 and I'll be staying with a friend for free. Still, I know I'll be buying food out and drinks out more than I would here and that will add quite a bit on. It is the only trip I'll be taking this year, though.

StillWaters

I'm sorry for your losses. It sounds like you are going through a very tough time.

Your mother's relationship with money, is her relationship with money. You have to forge your own. It sounds like you are a frugal person, who lives within their means. It also sounds like you need as much as want this holiday, and rarely treat or reward yourself.

Go for it. And if it were me, I wouldn't be telling the ma, I wouldn't allow her take the shone off it for me.

LegacyUser

guiltygirl wrote: »

unregistered 00123 - I haven't paid back my loan because it doesn't make financial sense to pay it off in one go. I got it in the UK where I studied and still live, and an amount comes out of my paycheck every month automatically. It's not really considered a debt over here because you have your whole life to pay it off and it's not taken into account when you apply for a mortgage etc. It's also interest-free (except for inflation).

I DO do lots of things that don't require money, but the point is, travel is my biggest passion in life and there's no getting around the fact it costs money. Same with dinner out really, we already take breakfast and lunch to work in a bag and have picnics at the weekend and do everything free that's possible, but there's only so much you can do without spending any money at all. As for 'scraping by' -pretty much everyone I know is scraping by, including those well into their thirties. It's an expensive city and salaries don't reflect the cost of living, but if I moved somewhere cheaper, I wouldn't have my job, so it's a vicious circle really. I certainly didn't expect to be earning so little at this age (and by little, I mean £24K, which to some might be a lot, but it isn't a lot here), but then none of us expected the crisis to happen. To be honest, I'm doing well to have a job at all. I've applied for better paid positions and continue to do so every week, and when I do get a reply, it's 'thanks but no thanks'. And I have excellent college results, a Masters and good work experience. I'm strongly considering a move abroad to improve my quality of life if not my salary, but that won't happen until the end of the year at least.

I do already save all my receipts and we're pretty much down to the necessary stuff. As I said, our last indulgence is dinner out and that will be cut out for the next while to help pay for the trip away. We're in a year long lease we can't get out of and to be honest, we already have a good deal on the rent. I know that many people I see living it up are in debt, but it doesn't make me feel any better than I work my arse off and feel bad for booking a holiday. I am up for making extra cash any way I can to ease the burden a bit and this is one area I haven't looked into as much as I should have. I've advertised my services as a private tutor for students and schoolkids and am looking into selling off a lot of books and clothes on Amazon and similar sites, although I'm not sure what the success rate would be for that. Any advice in this area would be EXTREMELY welcome!

I am sorry if my post seemed harsh. My apologies greatly. I reacted the way I did was because I have seen what some of my friends were doing with money and I was concerned that you would put yourself in a very difficult situation financially. I am speaking from personal experiences and what I have seen others get into when they have the mindset of why not? Unfortunately, I had a friend that committed suicide because he was in so much debt he never felt like he would get out of it. And ever since then I have always been very careful with spending and saving.

I agree with you wholeheartedly that life is not easy for most graduates today and jobs are hard to come by. I count my lucky stars that I have a very good job that affords me some comfort every once in a while and I do understand that many are not so lucky. What concerned me most about your post was your declining health and the fact that you were scraping by. I only wanted to let you know that savings is very important and being in your situation you may be at risk where you may not be able to work for a period of time and how would you support yourself then? As far as student loans, they are an investment towards your future; it just may not seem that way with most graduates now. I wanted to pay mine off as quickly as possible and not take years. Paying them off quicker released the burden and also gave me more opportunity to travel and not have to worry about monthly payments any longer.

I commend you on your hard work and organisational skills. All I can say to you is don't feel guilty. Easier said than done. But I am sure it has a lot to do with your upbringing and the way your mother is. I am sure it comes down to a generational mindset. You cannot convince your mam otherwise and change her as she is always going to be this way. The only thing you can change is to learn how to desensitise from her comments and reactions and not let them bother you.

As far as the travel bug, always plan your trips carefully. Take the time off as regards to spending and going out which you seem to be doing so far. And also make a strict budget guideline when you travel. When I started travelling I always made sure to eat out less and buy foods at the grocer then if I have left over money I would treat myself at the end to a nice meal at a restaurant. Certain things do add up when travelling and food and lodging is one of them.

What I gather from your response is that you may be a teacher? And if your income is 24k and have the travel bug, I would definitely ask you to go abroad and teach English for a few years. The pay is about the same but your living expenses/flights are accounted for and you can save a bit of money from this. One of my friends taught English in S. Korea and they even paid for her holiday flights too. She was able to travel around the Pacific Rim and loved it.

As far as selling your stuff-I had friends that made some decent money selling their personal things and others who didn't bother because they felt they were losing money. If you really do not need them and they have no sentimental value than do it. Maybe organise a day and advertise on Craigslist a sale? I helped out a friend doing this and she made over 900.

OP, I do wish you happiness and most all good health. Take care.

Ickle Magoo

guiltygirl wrote: »

Ickle Magoo - I mean, I don't have a huge amount of savings, so this holiday will pretty much cut them in half. I saved up for this very reason, to be able to travel, but my 'sensible head' tells me to leave the money in the bank in case something happens like I lose my job. My current account is also running a bit low as I bought the flights with my debit card. I'm worried about how much my friend's funeral is going to cost (we need to travel by train and stay over in a hotel) so money is tight this month but I should be just about OK. I'm not talking about putting money on credit cards or getting into debt or anything like that.

In that case I'd view that as you being able to afford it and just choosing to use your savings to treat yourself rather than on something practical.

I don't think you should feel guilty - it's every bit as important to look after your mental well-being as it is to pay the bills and if possible, you should look to get a balance in life between the two. You come across as being very sensible with money and loathe to throw it around so in this case I think you should give yourself a break and accept that perhaps some time off from the norm and all the stresses and upsets you've faced recently should be your priority here.

I also wouldn't let your mother transfer whatever issues she has with money onto you...you are an adult and both responsible for your actions and for any consequences that may result from those actions. You shouldn't have to explain how you choose to spend your savings to anyone - if your mother tries to comment, I'd just politely decline to get into a discussion with her...just put it down to her own issues with money and being an over-protective mother and do your own thing regardless. If you keep asserting your adult independence, do your own thing and choose not to give her power over your decisions or views, then the dynamic between you will change.

All the best, OP. :cool: