am i a role model or a bit sexist

doulikeit

I am Married,all my kids are girls wouldn't think of asking them or wife to anything manual eg anything in garden or emptying bins or any car or house maintainence but on the other hand would never have to make diner or washing not a choice just happened like that not a lazy person just believe that I'm better suited to the jobs I do we are v happy family just curious to hear what people think

dr gonzo

Well, by your own assessment this doesnt seem to be an "issue" at all. If it works for everyone it works I guess.

doulikeit

I suppose you are right don't fix it if its not broke, I'm not old in my mid 30s but sometimes could see how people could view it a bit dated just hope the right messages get filtered through

LegacyUser

Well, to be honest OP I think you are doing your kids a bit of a disservice.

I was raised to be capable in all areas of the home; be that cooking, laundry, gardening or basic car maintenance. There is no guarantee that your daughters are always going to have a man there to do the "man jobs" and I personally think you should be raising them to be self-sufficient.

Also, you yourself should be self-sufficient in the areas that you deem to be more suited to the women. What if your wife is sick or away for an extended period? You should be capable of cooking and cleaning for your family.

By all means, if it works for your family then thats fine, but I would think most parents want to raise well-rounded kids and not push outdated stereotypes on to their children.

Killed By Death

I'm a woman and I can do plenty of DIY, including a bit of plumbing, car maintenance etc I'd also be technical enough. I'm very happy this way and although I'm in a relationship I have no fear of being on my own. I own my own property and car and prefer it that way.

I think it's really important to give Daughters a rounded education in life. I'm having a baby girl soon and I won't restrict her life skills to just traditionally 'female' things. Why would I?

As far as I'm concerned a girl who can't jumpstart a car or change a fuse is at a disadvantage. I wouldn't want my daughter to feel she'd need to 'rely on a man' to do these basic things!

strandroad

Teach your girls both sets of skills. If you and your wife decided to divide your work this way it's perfectly fine, but it may be different in your daughters' lives.

It won't hurt if they know how to it all and then they can choose later in life what part of home duties they will take on. They may need to take it all if they will be on their own. It's dreadful to see a grown up woman who is afraid to take the wheelie bin out because "it's not something that women do"!

dearg lady

I don't think your sexist that yourself and wife have divided tasks this way, it suits many people. But I do think it's good to teach your daughters skills that they will regularly need. I'm pretty clueless when it comes to a lot of DIY and it gets more intimidating to learn these things as I get older!

doulikeit

I'm a young father and was hoping to be about long enough to do it for them lol.
Couple of good points there, I am a tradesman so I might see how we get on with a couple of very basic skills over the next few months,could be a bit of diva activity though

Miaireland

If it works for you go ahead. However I would teach the girls the skills that you do too.

They are not going to be kids forever and will need these skills when the move out of home. As you said your wife does not do them so who else is going to show them.

Taltos

OP - your thread is more suitable here as from your post it does not appear to be a relationship issue.

Taltos

cynder

Your gilrs need to be able to fend for themselves, teach them both. your girls need to know diy, if you had sons they would need to know how to cook and wash their clothes.

My daughter is doing technology and woodwork in secondary school. Its great for them.


I do all the DIY at home empty the bins, change plugs, light bulbs, washing machine filter, I've built cupboards, sanded floors and the cupboards, varnished floor and cupboards and the garden shed. I'm very good with my hands. I help my dad change starter motors at 11, I've changed flat wheels on the car.

A girl needs to know this stuff.

doulikeit

Taltos wrote: »

OP - your thread is more suitable here as from your post it does not appear to be a relationship issue.

Taltos

Thanks bud

Daffodil.d

As all other posters said if at the moment it ain't broke, don't try fix it. However there would be no harm when your girls are old enough to teach them basic household diy. For example, an this is interesting, how many women don't know how to change a plug? check the oil in their car or change a tire. My dad taught me a few basics over the years as a teenager and it was just as well because my husband just happens to be better at house work. I put up the curtain poles, painted, fixed tiles, put up shelves and of course changed a fair few tires. It's great for a woman to know a few basics. ;-)

strandroad

Also, I think it's wise to observe if the girls object to "female" tasks and offer them "male" tasks instead of forcing them into housework. Everyone should be doing something at home but who said they can't do something else than what you expected them to do so far!

For example, if they don't want to help with washing up, take out the bins instead, wash the car, paint the gate, cut the grass, trim the hedge or help in any of above - let them have their pick as long as they are contributing equally and the task is age appropriate.

doulikeit

GuestieGuest wrote: »

Well, to be honest OP I think you are doing your kids a bit of a disservice.

I was raised to be capable in all areas of the home; be that cooking, laundry, gardening or basic car maintenance. There is no guarantee that your daughters are always going to have a man there to do the "man jobs" and I personally think you should be raising them to be self-sufficient.

Also, you yourself should be self-sufficient in the areas that you deem to be more suited to the women. What if your wife is sick or away for an extended period? You should be capable of cooking and cleaning for your family.

By all means, if it works for your family then thats fine, but I would think most parents want to raise well-rounded kids and not push outdated stereotypes on to their children.

I think ur right and can't really argue with what u said but I don't push out dated stereotypes on anyone I'm probably one of the most laid back guys u would ever meet. And I'm not having a go at you but how do I get a 13 and 11 yo interested in car mechanics ideas welcome

cynder

doulikeit wrote: »

I think ur right and can't really argue with what u said but I don't push out dated stereotypes on anyone I'm probably one of the most laid back guys u would ever meet. And I'm not having a go at you but how do I get a 13 and 11 to interested in car mechanics ideas welcome

First it starts with opening the hood, getting them to fetch water, oil, spanners, ratchet, wrench and so on and then point out different parts, show where the oil, water goes, get them to do it.

Show them how to pop the hood, when they are older they can learn to drive, first get to know the car...

I learned how to fix the washing machine by watching the man fix it then when it happened again I knew what to do.

strandroad

doulikeit wrote: »

I think ur right and can't really argue with what u said but I don't push out dated stereotypes on anyone I'm probably one of the most laid back guys u would ever meet. And I'm not having a go at you but how do I get a 13 and 11 yo interested in car mechanics ideas welcome

I think it's more about getting them to accompany you in whatever you do normally, getting them to help or assist a little and if they show interest in anything, pick up on it and let them develop the interest. A lot of the time even if a girl demonstrates interest in DIY/cars etc it is overlooked or dismissed.

When I was in school, I had huge interest in painting, wallpapering and fixing furniture. Luckily my gran was into renovating her house all the time and so she let me do all this. Starting with small things like stripping old paint for a box and repainting it, then a chair, then helping her with covering the floors/skirting boards and repainting the walls, varnishing stuff etc. I can do it all today (to an ordinary degree, I'm not a pro) because she saw it and she let me; my parents overlooked it, not that they were against girls doing DIY but they just though my duties are going to school and keeping the room tidy.

Lola92

doulikeit wrote: »

I think ur right and can't really argue with what u said but I don't push out dated stereotypes on anyone I'm probably one of the most laid back guys u would ever meet. And I'm not having a go at you but how do I get a 13 and 11 yo interested in car mechanics ideas welcome

How about the next time you need to change a tyre, put in air, top up coolant, check oil levels, fill water tank, change a fused light bulb in the car you ask them to come out and help? The same to household and garden maintenance - changing light bulbs, turning on/off water mains, checking smoke alarms, cutting grass, raking leaves etc. My mother showed me how to change a tyre when I was about 11/12 years old. I was really fascinated and loved it, has stuck to me since.

I agree with most of the posters though, I believe that a child (be they male or female) should be able to be self sufficient to some extent, that they wouldn't have to rely on a partner for basic tasks such as those listed above.

LegacyUser

doulikeit wrote: »

I think ur right and can't really argue with what u said but I don't push out dated stereotypes on anyone I'm probably one of the most laid back guys u would ever meet. And I'm not having a go at you but how do I get a 13 and 11 yo interested in car mechanics ideas welcome

With all due respect OP, you said in your first post that you "wouldn't think of asking them or wife to anything manual eg anything in garden or emptying bins or any car or house maintainence" By not ensuring that your children are raised to be self-sufficient in areas that you see as being a man's job, you are, perhaps not consciously, pushing outdated stereotypes onto your children.

Why not start asking them to bring the bins out, cut the grass, help you with the car and house maintenance. They are old enough to have chores around the house so why not ensure those chores aren't solely based around the kitchen?

I'm curious as to why you posted here if you don't see a problem with your current set-up. Did someone refer to your way of life as sexist or is it something you are thinking yourself? I'm confused as to your motivation.

doulikeit

grindelwald wrote: »

doulikeit wrote: »

I think ur right and can't really argue with what u said but I don't push out dated stereotypes on anyone I'm probably one of the most laid back guys u would ever meet. And I'm not having a go at you but how do I get a 13 and 11 to interested in car mechanics ideas welcome

First it starts with opening the hood, getting them to fetch water, oil, spanners, ratchet, wrench and so on and then point out different parts, show where the oil, water goes, get them to do it.

Show them how to pop the hood, when they are older they can learn to drive, first get to know the car...

I learned how to fix the washing machine by watching the man fix it then when it happened again I knew what to do.

Think u might have missed the point mate I'm glad u know how to do it but the point was getting them interested enough that they would like to come with me while I'm doing it and not forcing them pre teen and young teen girls are not traditionaly drawn towards these things

doulikeit

mhge wrote: »

doulikeit wrote: »

I think ur right and can't really argue with what u said but I don't push out dated stereotypes on anyone I'm probably one of the most laid back guys u would ever meet. And I'm not having a go at you but how do I get a 13 and 11 yo interested in car mechanics ideas welcome

I think it's more about getting them to accompany you in whatever you do normally, getting them to help or assist a little and if they show interest in anything, pick up on it and let them develop the interest. A lot of the time even if a girl demonstrates interest in DIY/cars etc it is overlooked or dismissed.

When I was in school, I had huge interest in painting, wallpapering and fixing furniture. Luckily my gran was into renovating her house all the time and so she let me do all this. Starting with small things like stripping old paint for a box and repainting it, then a chair, then helping her with covering the floors/skirting boards and repainting the walls, varnishing stuff etc. I can do it all today (to an ordinary degree, I'm not a pro) because she saw it and she let me; my parents overlooked it, not that they were against girls doing DIY but they just though my duties are going to school and keeping the room tidy.

That sounds great if they show any kind of interest I can assure u I would show them support and encourage never know could have the first female electrical contractor on my hands

RubyGirl

How old are your girls? I agree with above post's, I would get them interested in doing some of the diy jobs. It's part of the driving test now to know how to do oil checks etc on their car's.

LegacyUser

My father sounds a lot like you and I do not think he is sexist. He is more traditional and thinks a woman does not get her hands "dirty". My father felt that cooking and cleaning are maternal and nurturing roles and that is what women do best. I do not take offense to that at all but it is necessary to teach children of both sexes the basics. I agree that your daughters need a well rounded education. I was the only female with 3 brothers. Our responsibilities around the house were based on "traditional roles" and tbh, it worked out fine whilst living at home but did not benefit us when we moved out.

My brothers cannot boil water for tea and I cannot use a screwdriver....Ok not that bad but pretty damn close.:D Even though my job was cooking and cleaning, it never bothered me. But for my sake I wished my father encouraged or taught me basic DIY. My brothers would have benefitted the same if my mam taught them to cook something basic and wash their own clothes. What ended up happening to us was that we did not end up self sufficient adults. We excelled at some tasks but lacked in others. I pay one retired neighbour to come by to fix things around my place as well as do some light yard work. My brothers pay someone to come over to their place to clean, wash and iron their clothes and they throw out more money by eating out a lot.

OP, my suggestion to you would be to take some time during the weekend to encourage your daughters and wife to learn basic DIY. Also have them reciprocate the offer to you, let them teach you how to prepare your favourite dishes and help them with the laundering and ironing. Turn it into a family bonding activity on Saturday mornings/afternoons. No matter what comes of it, in the end, encourage your daughters to choose what they enjoy doing more based on their interests as well as alternating assigned chores whether it is laundering or taking out the bins.

thefeatheredcat

OP,

I took interest an in DIY as a child... and an interest in what both my parents' roles in the house and am able to do both, as often as kids we had to learn how to use washing machines and cook and clean and other house work and know about house alarms and wiring and sockets and trip switches, using a strimmer, using the lawn mower and all that. As kids we all played around with real hammers, nails, saws, and washed my dad's car so curiosity at what my dad was doing be it replacing fuses on plugs, replacing lightbulbs, working on bicycles, changing the tyres on the car, checking the oil and other stuff like (that I should point out my mother can do, just that she was always busy with taking care of our needs running the household and family) that kind of came with spending time with him whenever he had stuff like that to do and had the time to do it whenever he wasn't working.

Lets say your daughters do Home Economics in secondary school... if they still use the textbooks I used, there's a fair bit about plumbing and electrics and the wiring of plugs.

If you get their interest in them being interested in spending quality time with you then they'll probably take interest in it. It may be for a while, but it would help to explain the benefits of what they learn, and have them try it out for themselves, present them with a challenge, like say fixing the squekey hinge or re-hanging the crooked door by removing the hinges and using teamwork to get it back on together.

They may or may not have the interest in learning those skills, but it would do no harm for them to know that they can muddle in with their dad when and if you do these things and they want to spend time with you

As for the benefit - well my parents know that regardless you can hand me the iron and I will iron, make my own bed if I have to, fend for myself or cook for them, be able to cut the grass or help out in DIY projects like painting the house interior if need be or trawl around Woodie's looking for the right fittings, going through the different nuts and bolts and know what a jubilee clip is for.

bourgie

I think you're not being a good role model by not cooking or cleaning. I don't believe for a second these are things women are magically better at. In my opinion, girls and boys should see that household tasks are shared according to factors other than gender. There is nothing "male" about taking out the bins. Things like doing the cooking, cleaning and washing up happen on a much more regular basis than DIY etc and in our house, are shared. I'd hate my son or daughter to grow up thinking boys don't wash up and girls don't take out the bins.

pwurple

OP, you have missed the boat with first female electrical contractors. They already exist. Gasp!

cbyrd

I do all the DIY in my house.. as we speak i'm getting ready to paint the 3rd bedroom this week.. i come from a family of 7 ..the other 6 are boys.. if they're good at it let them at it.. give them the experience of learning a new skill.. there is no such thing a man jobs.. Give them a good all round life education so that they can cope on their own.. there is nothing wrong with a girl being able to hawk a wheelbarrow full of grass and weeds or measuring a wall to drill holes for curtain holes.. it'll save them a fortune in handyman fees later in life..plus you have the added bonus of a bit of help
My landlord was going to spend €3000 getting the house painted last year.. i said hold on a minute.. reduce my rent an i'll paint.. and they did..it will not cost me €3000 .. €54 for a good quality paint has done 3 rooms.. another 1 and a half will finish the house.. i have saved €800 so far in rent my sons will also be taught to use the washing machine and the dishwasher.. my 2 year old boy already helps.. my 9 year old girl helps me cut the grass.. she also made a cake on easter sunday with a little help..

angeldaisy

I was raised by 'traditional parents' as in mom was a homemaker and dad went to work, they each had traditional roles. But Dad always encouraged me to help him, wash the car, go with him to the car accessory shops, carry his tools etc... so I was lucky in that I got a rounded education in life.
Now things have changed, since Dad retired he helps with the housework, does the hoovering etc... and thanks to dad I can wire a plug, do basic diy, not panic when something electrical goes wrong. Thankfully I can also cook, bake a cake etc....
I think what we need to teach our children is life skills and not worry about their gender connotations. after all we encourage our children to be independent, how can they be if we only teach them certain tasks.
My 6yr old boy will certainly learn everything we can possibly teach him - how? by watching to begin with - passing things and mixing others.. lets teach them the joy of doing things, rather than them being thankless tasks.
Hopefully in their generation, gender roles will become even more blurred and we can all do what we enjoy doing - not just what we are supposed to be doing

sambuka41

I think the other posters have covered this well in relation to the disservice to your daughters but you are also putting yourself in a bad position. You are young and obviously fit now so this may seem like its miles off but your wife may not be around forever.
I work with the elderly and have seen so many of these old fashioned men whose wives have passed away, or develop Alzheimers and these men are lost, completely lost. They may have been able to cook or clean at one time but they have spent the best part of 50 years not doing it and now at 70/80 its incredibly daunting task to try start. I have watched men encourage their wives with Alzheimers to continue cooking the dinner and get annoyed when they are no longer capable. Its a sad situation but not rare, I encounter this at least once a week.

In this day and age I would hope that people are more self sufficient and don't end up in this position. So OP even if its one meal a week, one wash a week, its in your interest to be self sufficient.

rainbowtrout

doulikeit wrote: »

Think u might have missed the point mate I'm glad u know how to do it but the point was getting them interested enough that they would like to come with me while I'm doing it and not forcing them pre teen and young teen girls are not traditionaly drawn towards these things

I don't think you need to make an issue of it with them. Don't don't make it obvious that you saw one chore as traditionally female and another as traditionally male. Let your daughters interpret it as all chores are there to be carried out by whoever is there to do them.

I'm female, I know I was far more interested in watching my dad change tyres than watching my mother cooking when I was a kid. I picked up a lot just from watching him, he taught me how to wire a plug, how to change a fuse (not really applicable anymore), where to check if a switch tripped, painting and decorating, bleed radiators, bleed the boiler, put up shelves, most of the stuff already mentioned.

When I got my first car at 19, I was still living at home. He wouldn't let me out in it, until I knew how to check the oil, jump start the car, top up the water in the radiator and change a tyre. I had to demonstrate that I could change the tyre for him. I didn't mind, I enjoyed it. His view was that I probably would have to do it myself at some stage, I'd often be travelling on my own and could get a puncture in the middle of nowhere (it's happened to me a number of times).

As it stands, I live on my own and nowhere near my family so I need to be able to do these things for myself. I painted my house last summer (2 storey), and the amount of comments I got from female neighbours that saw me up on the ladder was unreal 'Aren't you great to be up there on the ladder, I couldn't do that, I must get (insert husband/boyfriend/father/brothers name) to do mine for me' Yeah, well if I didn't do it, nobody else would, so I'm glad to have the skills that give me that independence.

up for anything

doulikeit wrote: »

That sounds great if they show any kind of interest I can assure u I would show them support and encourage never know could have the first female electrical contractor on my hands

Are you serious? Where have you been the last 20 years?

If you ever have uneasy thoughts about them and boys in their teenage years expand those thoughts to the garages, appliance repair people and cowperson builders/decorators that they may come in contact with in their futures and make sure they know what's what and don't get ripped off by them. If they end up single parents they don't need to be paying out for some gombeen coming and putting up a shelf crooked. You might be a young father and think you will be there to do these things for them but there is many a slip twixt the cup and the lip.

eviltwin

I'm a mum of 2, boy and girl and there is no splitting of jobs on gender lines, we all just chip in and do what needs to be done.

doulikeit

eviltwin wrote: »

I'm a mum of 2, boy and girl and there is no splitting of jobs on gender lines, we all just chip in and do what needs to be done.

I appreciate ur response and its probably a bit off my point and ill get shot for saying this but let's also be practical about this there is certain jobs that are physicaly demanding and are better suited to men

Ayla

Out of fairness, OP, the type of household jobs you've described in your OP are hardly those that are "physically demanding and better suited to men." You're talking about taking out the bins, not toting buckets of cement up 20 foot ladders.

I think most posters have already said what I'm thinking, but yes, OP, you are being sexist. It's one thing to naturally divide chores between the family members, it's another thing to say that the women will do x and the men will to y, based only on the fact that the individual is male/female. That is the definition of sexism. There's no reason why the females can't take out the bins, or the men can't cook - those divisions of labour are based only in sexism and are really a bit outdated (and unfair to all parties involved).

doulikeit

Ayla wrote: »

Out of fairness, OP, the type of household jobs you've described in your OP are hardly those that are "physically demanding and better suited to men." You're talking about taking out the bins, not toting buckets of cement up 20 foot ladders.

I think most posters have already said what I'm thinking, but yes, OP, you are being sexist. It's one thing to naturally divide chores between the family members, it's another thing to say that the women will do x and the men will to y, based only on the fact that the individual is male/female. That is the definition of sexism. There's no reason why the females can't take out the bins, or the men can't cook - those divisions of labour are based only in sexism and are really a bit outdated (and unfair to all parties involved).

I did say it was a bit off my original point I apologize

pwurple

doulikeit wrote: »

let's also be practical about this there is certain jobs that are physicaly demanding and are better suited to men

You have me stumped. Can you give an example? Since the appearance of power tools and ladders I don't think there is much difference someones height or weight would make. There are very weak men, and very strong women, vice versa and everything in between.

Plus, I thought we were were talking about children here. I don't see any reason a 10 year old girl wouldn't be able to do anything a 10 year old boy could.

eviltwin

doulikeit wrote: »

I appreciate ur response and its probably a bit off my point and ill get shot for saying this but let's also be practical about this there is certain jobs that are physicaly demanding and are better suited to men

Anything "physically demanding" is done by me and my husband. But yeah the kids muck in and do little jobs that are age appropriate.

If that means my daughter does some DIY or my son helps make dinner then so be it.

I do a lot of the jobs that might be considered "man jobs", hubbie does jobs that would be classed as traditionally female. As I said before if it needs doing we just do it, we don't hang around waiting for the other person to come home. We just get on with it.

Works quite well.

I think you are just looking for people to say "yes its okay to be sexist"...why you would want to be is beyond me. Surely you want to raise your kids to do chores.

doulikeit

eviltwin wrote: »

doulikeit wrote: »

I appreciate ur response and its probably a bit off my point and ill get shot for saying this but let's also be practical about this there is certain jobs that are physicaly demanding and are better suited to men

Anything "physically demanding" is done by me and my husband. But yeah the kids muck in and do little jobs that are age appropriate.

If that means my daughter does some DIY or my son helps make dinner then so be it.

I do a lot of the jobs that might be considered "man jobs", hubbie does jobs that would be classed as traditionally female. As I said before if it needs doing we just do it, we don't hang around waiting for the other person to come home. We just get on with it.

Works quite well.

I think you are just looking for people to say "yes its okay to be sexist"...why you would want to be is beyond me. Surely you want to raise your kids to do chores.

Yeah that's my angle alright u got me

Neyite

Op, in the house I grew up in, I helped out either parent as they needed it. As a consequence, when I was stranded on a lonely road without my phone with a flat tyre I was able to put on the spare and tootle along home safely, I can also change bulbs in the car and check the oil & water. I can paint, wallpaper, put up coat racks, shelves, bleed radiators, change a plug, chop wood, do most farmwork and garden work as well as turn my hand to dinners, laundry and sewing.

It was not a choice really - my parents simply didnt have the cash to employ tradesmen, and did lots of things themselves.

Think about it this way- even if they are not interested (and we never had the luxury of choice ) you dont want your adult daughters getting ripped off by rogue tradesmen getting charged €100 for a callout to flip a trip switch back up. I suspect a lot of the time we were required to help out, it was mainly to teach us to fend for ourselves.

Kash

At the moment - yes, you sounds sexist.

We had a very similar setup in my house while I was growing up.
Mum did the traditionally girly jobs of cooking and cleaning, dad did the DIY and gardening. But, as kids, we were jack of all trades.

I was just as likely to be helping my dad cut the grass (raking it for hours!) as I would be helping my mum dry the dishes. My brother would be just as likely to be sewing a button back on as he would stripping wall paper. Some of it was a chore while some of it was interesting.

The result is that as adults, we are still jack of all trades. I am more than capable of wiring a plug, putting up a shelf, making flatpack furniture or painting a celiling. I am not frightened by power tools, and happily break concrete with my Kango hammer, or cut down dead shrubs with my garden machete. I can also cook up a storm, ice a cake and knit and sew. So can my brother. Both of us are self-sufficent, and that is exactly the way I would want my unborn daughter to be.

Sure, there are somethings I can't do. I can't start our lawnmower, so my hubby does that most of the time. He detests hoovering, so I do that again most of the time. But we split jobs according to our skills, interest and enthusiasm - not gender.