cant seem to get it right...

jennybean

all and any advice needed cos at the moment i feel like im the only one to ever go through this cos no one i know has dealt with anything even similar. me n my bf broke up after four yrs we lived together n all, what brought things to a head was my jealousy over him becoming such good friends with my bestfriend, no matter how many times he insisted he didnt fancy her or even look a her that way, he ended it, i moved out, im in counsellong n me n him have been talkin n he told me about the issues he had in the relatinship me not trusting him stuff i never realised, he justs wants to be friends says he cant think bout anymore right now, but i cant seem to get past it no matter what i do n i cant lose him from my life all together, dont seem to know how to get it right without scaring him off n dunno how to trust him now without thinkin hes mine...

Beetlebum

You honestly think you're the first and only person to ever go through this?? The fact that you said that statement and seem to mean it makes me wanna both laugh and cry!

Consider Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet, John Lennon & Yoko, nearly everyone you know for christs sake!! We have (or will) all go through (and come through) heartbreak. Your post makes it very hard for me to empathise with you. Your grammer irritated me from the start.

Anyway, I realise the above is not constructive and I'm guessing you're quite young so here is my advice; take some time away from your ex boyfriend to figure out why you were so jealous in the first place. What was making you so insecure? was it really his actions or some deep seated trust issues inside you? Also, if this girl is your friend then surely you should trust her right??

Em, not really sure what else to say.

Elmidena

First and foremost you need to relax and find inner happiness; you can't expect a stable relationship if you don't feel stable yourself pet. Something makes you feel insecure; do you feel fat/plain/spotty or whatever or is it more she's pretty/skinny/funny? Do you see yourself lacking or other people being better? Whatever has your esteem so knocked is quite relevant to how your mind is trapping you. Well done on going to counselling, a brave and promising start to healing yourself

You need space and although it's hard to think of your boyfriend with others, for the time being you need to make yourself right before you can be right as a couple. I'm sure he has issues/needs time to himself too, and when things are calmer you'll be able to see the jigsaw pieces a bit better--I'm sure right now with the emotional upheaval you can't see the woods for the trees.

If ye do get back on track, spend a bit more time exploring the romance side; being together so long you probably lost sight of it a little bit, and you both might need a little bit of reminding that things can be quite fun between ye if you give it a chance, not just rows etc. It isn't something that can solve the relationship by itself though, it would only be a plaster in the long term without talking things through also.

*hugs* xxx

jennybean

@beetlebum i was tryin to explain how alone im feeling right now, friends are not in relationships nor have they been in any long term or serious relationships n will admit this themselves, as for my grammer. who cares about it. why bother replying if you had nothing helpful to say?

@elmidena thank you very much for your advice, im trying to get as much help as possible, my friend is not really speaking to me for not trusting her but still sees my ex as they work together now, she wanted to meet up n when i tried she was busy, i tried again n she is busy again. so my fear now is how that will affect my friendship with my ex because he is now friendly with her, i am not passing negative comments about her to him and trying to concentrate on making things right with him too. my trust issues are not caused by him, but i have become a very insecure fragile person emotionally and i cant seem to take a step in the right direction. all i want is someone who has been through similar or can offer advice. n i will definitely take yours. thank you again

Taltos

OP

textspeak is banned from this forum. Please don't use it.
As per our Charter.

Text Speak is possibly the most annoying thing EVAR to try and read! It makes you sound 14, and as such, people are likely to view your post as some teenage angst post. Hence your use of txt spk may result in incorrect advice due to misunderstandings from illegibility (if the post is your first post of the thread), unintentionally annoying posters and causing lingual aggravation, and in the worst case scenario it can get your post binned. Continue to flaunt against this rule and txt spk can get you banned from PI.

Beetlebum - while we appreciate your help we much prefer posters to report posts that are in breach of our charter instead of backseat modding.

Thanks.
Taltos

Ickle Magoo

It's a really tough lesson OP but the reality is insecurity is such an unattractive trait that it kills relationships and the only cure is to keep working on your self-esteem until you are happy in yourself, trust you are loveable and no longer project your insecurities onto your partner and their behaviour.

I think you need to draw a line under this relationship, even as friends - while you are still in the same head-space you are now, at least. Keep going to the counselling and keep doing all you can to get your head to a healthier place. Take solace that you are going in the right direction, even if you think the journey slow - and take the positives; the break-up is making you face and resolve these issues which can only help you to go on to have a healthy and balanced relationship in the future.

Chin up, OP, you should be proud of yourself.

All the very best. :cool:

jennybean

First all thank you all for your advice it is so helpful to see others can relate to this and offer advice. Im definitely going to stick with counselling. I am trying very hard to let go of my insecurities but cant seem to break through. The last thing i want to do is not see or talk to my ex as i feel that will hurt more... But is there a way i can learn to accept it is just a friendship now and not get jealous about where he is or who he is with? I dont own him and want to share my life with him rather than controle his life. My counsellor has given me some positive thinking techniques to help me love myself more im also trying to get my own place to have my own space. Im trying to find a productive hobby too something to keep my mind busy as it seems to run away with itself when something upsets me. My ex was amazing to me and my friend the same but i became very jealous of their friendship and still am. Dont know how to get past that.

I am trying to take as many positive steps as possible. But really struggling. Thank you to all for advice and personal experiences xx

jennybean

You are probably right about no contact. But it isnt what either of us want and i dont think either of us could bring ourselves to do it. We text daily and see each other maybe once a week depending and im trying very hard not to push for anymore. To be very honest im looking for a way to keep him in my life and make the most of the friendship we have rather than lose everything.
I am trying to get my head to the right place too. My self worth is nil and i am trying to believe i am worth loving and not easily replaced.
Xx