How to deal with Partners Exs who are always around

HappierDays

Just looking for an opinion to see if there is something wrong with me.
I am separated with children and with somebody for a number of years who is also separated.He has an ex wife and ex partner and kids from both.
He insists on inviting his ex wife to all family things including birthdays of the kids that are not hers.
I understand one must have a good level of communication when there are kids involved as I do with my ex but there is a limit in my opinion as to the extent of the involvement.as is stands with 10 children between us there is a lot of events to celebrate football matches /school plays /birthdays etc .I am unhappy having to have the ex at all the events and have said so but he insists.I do of course understand that for the big events communions etc we all ahev to play happy families but not for all the other stuff. He is separated by the way over 10 years.I feel totally undermined when she is around and it is at this stage going to end what could have been a good relationship.There is nothing wrong with the woman by the way .
Do you think I am being unreasonable.

Taltos

OP - your thread may get more responses here as this is a relationship issue you are experiencing.

Best of luck
Taltos

blatantrereg

I can see why that would make you uncomfortable. Why does he insist on her coming to things not related to her own kids? to integrate the kids with each other kinda?

HappierDays

I don't know really as all the kids there anyway to integrate with each other.
My issue is that there should be less involvement .He is having her around for Easter dinner whilst I will be at my parents.I am most upset to say the least but he says its for the sake of the kids.!!

HappierDays

Actually I should point out her kids as age 21 to 31 !!!!I feel they are adults and should understand their Dad in in a new relationship and it is reasonable for their mother not to be at every bash !

blatantrereg

Probably too late to organise now - but it sounds like it would be better if your parents came to spend Easter with you, rather than the other way around. I doubt you'd be as bothered by the ex's inclusion if you weren't going to be excluded yourself.

slarkin123

When i first read your post i thought you were being a bit harsh. Its good to get all the kids mixing from time to time. But when you said how old they were, well seriously it seems a bit ridiculous to me and i can see how uncomfortable you'd be. As for dinner with the ex for the sake of the kids, really they're old enough to meet up and take her out for dinner without him being there.

Sit him down and make sure he's listening and unload. Tell him exactly how touch feel and how unfair it seems to you. Best of luck

HappierDays

Thanks for the advice.
Agree the kids should mix and they do and they should take priority etc as I have my own to consider to .
Will tell him how I feel again but he tried before and meets opposition from the ex of 10 + years and his 31 year old so it seems I am on a no win situation here.
Back to singledom for me I reckon !!!!

Herrick

HappierDays wrote: »

he tried before and meets opposition from the ex of 10 + years and his 31 year old

OP, did he leave her or she him? Sounds like she wants an excuse to see him very often if I'm being honest.

HappierDays

Yes I think so.
He left her and has had another relationship with kids before me.But she seems to be always around even for the other kids birthdays and their own mother is not present.
I don't want to be part of a threesome which is what I feel it is .
I don't think it is unreasonable even with the complications of separation and kids to be made feel special .At this stage I hate every occasion as feel so awkward as she is always there and make her presence known.
Really upset as he is a lovely man but don't think I can live with this for the rest of my life.

Daisy M

Your feelings are the ones your partner should be putting first not his exes. If you really cant put up with this any longer you need to tell him straight.

I am a friend

So you are with him years? Why is this only becoming an issue now?

These situations can be very awkward to deal with my ex husband was always around and invited to everything by my family I never said anything as my daughters wanted it that way and my mother felt a bit sorry for my ex husband as he didn't really have much family except his children, I am now married again and my husband did not like my ex husband being around so much although he never insisted that I and my extended family stop having him around so much, Christmas's we have all spent together... but I have very slowly made sure he is not at every occasion unless its concerns our daughters it has taken a long time to get the balance right.

On the other had I know people who have various family situations that work for them and involve haveing half siblings step siblings and ex wive/husbands in everything.

Johnny_BravoIII

He is separated by the way over 10 years.I feel totally undermined when she is around ......................There is nothing wrong with the woman by the way

If you decide to end this relationship it will be due to your own insecurities.

I'm guessing that due to the fact they have been seperated 10 years there is no longer a worry of romatic love. These 2 people have clearly managed to create a healthy family environment despite previous history.

There are ways to resolve insecurities without letting jealously overcome you.

LegacyUser

HappierDays wrote: »

Thanks for the advice.
Agree the kids should mix and they do and they should take priority etc as I have my own to consider to .
Will tell him how I feel again but he tried before and meets opposition from the ex of 10 + years and his 31 year old so it seems I am on a no win situation here.
Back to singledom for me I reckon !!!!

OP, to clarify, his grown child and ex have some powerful "veto" over celebrations regarding your own children? How is this possible? If you plan a birthday party for your children, simply do not invite them.

HappierDays

I am not jealous as there is no romantic love of any chance of it between them but I don't believe it is healthy for our relationship for her to be around so much.Its not a harem I am after !!

Johnny_BravoIII

Am I correct in understand that it's mostly "events" that you see this lady.
Would it be correct to assume yourself & your OH get plenty of personal quality time together?

If this woman is perfectly sound.
If your OH has zero romatic interest in her.
If you are not jealous..............then whats the problem?

What specifically is the probem with her being around?

Big Bag of Chips

I don't understand why she needs to be present at an occasion that doesn't directly involve her own children.

Communions, confirmations, parties etc?

My husband has a child from a previous relationship... her mother has NEVER been at any "occasion" for our kids... why would she? Same as I (or my husband!) have never been to anything concerning her other children.

Does he insist on her being there? Or has he tried to stop her being as involved, but his eldest child, and his ex pressure him?

So, he doesn't really want her around either, but can't say no? So its her, and the eldest pushing this?

Just stop telling them when things are on.

Seriously, I see no reason why your partner's ex, who has no relationship to your children whatsoever, needs to be at their school plays/confirmations/birthdays... whatever.

I think now thougha precedence has been set that will be difficult to change.

HappierDays

So you are with him years? Why is this only becoming an issue now?

It has always been an issue.
His best friend ,a good friend of both of them who know the kids has told him in front of me he needs to let go of her after all these years for her sake as well as mine as she is unable to get on with her own life.
Previous girlfriends of his have been unable to put up with it.
Writing all this down I think I must be mad to have put up with this.

Big Bag of Chips

HappierDays wrote: »

Previous girlfriends of his have been unable to put up with it.

So in the past he has allowed relationships to end, rather than stop bringing his ex to occasions that shouldn't involve her?

So, he always has, and probably always will put his ex and her feelings before his partner (you)?

That would be too much for me to handle to he honest... the whole "3 in this relationship" thing is not something I'd personally be interested in.

Johnny_BravoIII

has told him in front of me he needs to let go of her after all these years for her sake as well as mine as she is unable to get on with her own life.

I don't understand.
Either there are romatic feelings there or not.
Which is it?