Overly Secretive

LegacyUser

Hi,

Just wanted to get advice about this guy I have been seeing for a few months. At first I just thought he was very shy which he is but he is also incredibly secretive about his life which I am finding a little unsettling. I understand being private but he really doesn't give anything away not just to me but to anyone. Its not even big stuff but even just little stuff. He might have had to go to the doctor for something minor and he would just never mention it. Something major might be happening in work, one of his friends getting beaten up or something - never mentioned. I find this a little strange. It appears that he doesn;t trust people and has decided to be a closed book. I have tried to mention it but he doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with being like this and that is just how he is.

Another thing I have noticed is that he never really asks me stuff about myself either, does not seem interested in getting to know me as a person. Sometimes I just tell him something and he doesn't react one way or another.

He is very uncomfortable around emotions and the like. He never says if he is happy or annoyed just says he is fine all the time. I am finding this all rather odd. Like I said there is nothing wrong with being private and having certain stuff private but this is quite extreme.

Does anyone have any understanding of why somebody would be like that in a relationship?
I feel that he doesn;t want to form an emotional connection and is keeping me at a distance. He tells me he likes me and trusts me but I am actually realising I don;t know him at all and he really doesn;t know me. Oh and before people start saying he is cheating and has another girlfriend, this is not the case.

Am just not sure if this bodes well for the future!

Thanks for any help

Catari Jaguar

Men and women have differently wired brains - Generally, women like to talk. And talk. No solutions, just want someone to listen to. This communication activates a problem solving area of the brain.

Most men however, internalise their problems. When men are together, they usually don't talk about their problems the same way women do. So what women call an emotional connection that seems effortless to them can be unnatural and forced to men. Some people, no matter the sex, are just really private and wrapped up in themselves.

I share and talk, not the best listener, but HATE letting people get close to me. I can almost picture the wall that I keep up. Some people, if determined enough and worthy enough, start to break it down. It is scary as hell to trust people, with what is essentially, your innermost, vulnerable feelings and true self.

I suggest you just give him time.

LegacyUser

I've a few friends who are just like that..... they wouldn't be good friends, more friends of friends.

They never have anything to tell, not stories, no news and as a result, I'm not great friends with them... I find them a bit boring. I've known them for 10 years and never once have either of these guys gone "Jaysus, I was down the town the other day and X happened" or "Things are pretty tough at work at the moment".

It would never work for me in a relationship. Last girl I was seeing was very quiet - not only quiet but she never started any conversation so it was all left to me to kick start chat when we were out. It just turns out to be very hard work.

Maybe he's just really boring or doesn't think that what is going on in his life is of interest.

Personality differences perhaps......

How did you guys hook up or what attracted you to him in the first place?

Miss Fluff

Are you sure he's not mildly autistic? He ticks a lot of boxes. I'm not medically trained so not making any kind of diagnosis here but just someone who doesn't react to things and who shows little to know emotion is NOT usual, no. I wouldn't mind him not relaying things back to you (men don't tend to gossip or talk about people like us women do) but I'd be very concerned about not being able to express emotion....

Taltos

Can I remind posters to avoid diagnosing folk on threads here - let's leave that to the professionals.

Thanks.

EGAR

What exactly is *a few months*?

My OH isn't secretive as you put it but rarely mentions something to me and just as well as I am not into gossip or stories of what happened when X met Y etc.

I do not mention to OH either when I have to go to the GP as I do not like to be quizzed about my ailments which might happen.

I am involved in things OH has absolutely no interest in and vice versa. People on the outside probably think we are the most mis-matched pair ever but that is not true, we are together for years and are happy, we just don't feel the need to talk about it constantly.

Lorna123

It would appear that this guy is not a suitable match for you because his personality frustrates you. You need a different type.

P. Breathnach

People differ. Some are more open than others. What you call secretiveness might instead be called reticence or reserve - words that, to my mind anyway, don't sound so bad. My guess is that he is similarly reticent with everybody, that it is not a question of keeping you at arm's length.

Do you know his family? There is a good chance that his behaviour is something that he learned from his parents. If they are unlike him, and are open and chatty, then I would wonder why he is very reserved.

kavanap2

There is nothing wrong with being a private person (I would consider myself one) but I think you should be able to share what's going on in your life with your bf /gf. Otherwise it’s not a well rounded relationship. Of course you don't have to share and know everything about each other (that's not healthy either) but I think you know when there is something not quite right. My advice is to go with your instinct, I wish I did and then wouldn't have wasted so much time with my secretive ex-gf.

See my post here http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056592218

Overheal

I doubt you'd be going out for a few months without there being something there. Even if for whatever reason he's very private about his feelings. Some people take a long time to open up. People with really thick shells tend to have very soft interiors and it takes proportionately more trust before you share that with someone.