other half wont look for work

LegacyUser

Need some advise people. My other half is unemployed, has been for a long time now. I’ve tried time and again to get them to up skill, I’ve asked time and again for the to look for work. Each and every time it ends in an argument. “I make them feel bad” “I make them feel useless and worthless” etc.

Until now we’ve managed financially, I’m on OK pay, we can manage the mortgage and bills on my salary, when I say OK I mean it pays the bills and we have a small amount to indulge ourselves in the odd packet of biscuits and chocolate, not we’re rolling in it and have 4 holidays a year and live in a 10 bed mansion.

The problem now that is three months ago I was told that my company will close. This is obviously not good. I was immediately told that I need to start looking for work, this I agree with. I’ve been told I need to consider stopping my hobby which costs about €50 a month. Again I can see the logic behind this, save now so we can have it more in case I’m out of work for a while.

The problem is, I’m the one that “needs to look for work”, and there are two of us here. I resent that they puts the pressure on me to get a job but won’t look for one themself.

Any advice on how to bring up the fact that they needs to get the finger out too and start seriously looking for work without being the "bad guy" again and making them feel useless (their words not mine)

LorraineMcFly

You poor man. It is unheard in this day and age for a man to have to shoulder the burden of all the finances. What does your partner do? Do you have small children?
Look its hard to give you advice, cos clearly you love the woman but in fairness if it were me I would have shown my partner the door long ago.
This is an untolerable situation. I would spell it out, either she gets a job or she goes.
Im a wife and mother and I work full time. At times my husband has been unemployed but has always looked for work / and or college to better himself. If he had been doing nothing he would not be my equal. He would not be a man i would want if he was lazy and idle. Luckily we both work now and can enjoy a nicer lifestyle. You partner is treating you terribly

LegacyUser

we've no kids thank god, that would make it worse financially speaking

LegacyUser

If he's actively looking for work and just not getting called to interviews that's one thing, but if he's not even bothering applying for jobs and then putting pressure on you ...well then...I'd be seriously considering if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with such a lazy, childish partner to be quite honest!

What happens if you want to have kids? Will he look after them? Will you even ever be able to afford to even have them on just your salary if you'r only scraping by now?

I don't think there's any point beating around the bush tbh, tell him straight out he needs to find a job. This is a huge issue, if ye're serious about each other and are going to be spending the rest of your lives together there's going to be periods of your lives when one is not working or there's financial difficulties. If you can't discuss your finances in an open and honest way with your partner without him getting into a sulk then you're in trouble, what will your future be like, barely making ends meet until you retire?!. He needs to grow up and get a reality check to be honest.

*I'm assuming the OP is female, points still stand if OP is a male though

LorraineMcFly

need to look for work wrote: »

we've no kids thank god, that would make it worse financially speaking

you have been too nice for too long. your enabling your partner to be a loser. Tell her straight get a job , any job, or leave. Or you leave. Your not in the wrong here. Your partner is.

LegacyUser

not even looking for work, that i know of anyway. the thing is how to bring it up tactfully without appearing to be the one on the wrong by makinging the other one feel worthless?

woodchuck

If your OH has no problem telling you that you need to look for work then you should be able to say the same to her (I’m assuming you’re a guy, but correct me if I’m wrong). If she pulls the usual of “you’re making me feel bad”, ask her how bad she’ll feel if yous can’t make the mortgage payments! Basically tell her what you’ve said here; it’s not fair that all the pressure is on you, you should be sharing the burden together.

It would be one thing if she had a genuine reason for not working (medical, looking after young children), but from the sounds of it she’s just lazy? Unfortunately I know someone just like this. I don’t see her changing and I really feel for her husband. At least you have a concrete reason now to get your OH to start looking for work. She needs a boot up the h*le and don't take no for an answer.

P. Breathnach

OP, it might be that your partner has become demoralised: long-term unemployment can have that effect. It's not easy to deal with, especially when jobs are scarce.

It might be that you have not found the best strategy for tackling his or her problem. You could consider changing tack from "what are you going to do about your situation?" to "what are we going to do about our situation?".

LegacyUser

P. Breathnach wrote: »

OP, it might be that your partner has become demoralised: long-term unemployment can have that effect. It's not easy to deal with, especially when jobs are scarce..

this i think is the root of the problem for them. been out too long, demoralised and skills outdated. I've tried to motivate, bought books to help update their skills, brought litrature for training courses etc. none of it worked.

I've offered to help reformat the CV and even help search for work with them. I'm told they can do it themselves.

@woodchuck, i wouldnt say lazy I'd say more scared they a perspective employeer will just not consider them because their skills are so old and theres such a huge blank on the CV (about 4 years). but even a part time position would help because its cash in teh bank as a cushion for when i'm out fo work.

edellc

OP I have been in your position and its not easy

What I would say is that it is obvious that you too need a long reality chat about life and the future.

Speak to your partner tell him that you are partners 100% you two against the world but at the minute it doesnt feel like that to you financially, tell them that you love them but you are worried about the future, if you will still have a home for your future family should that arise, that you want to grow old together where you are and with your partner but you need to be partners in every way and that means both of you financially contributing to the household. You understand how difficult it must be for them but you are totally supportive in what ever they would like to do, be it going back to college or if they are on social welfare then doing a ce scheme or something that gets them out of the house and back into society

Just a quick question does you OH smoke dope as I know mine did and was a lazy so and so who I wanted to scream at most of the time as we couldnt even afford the odd pack of cheap biscuits

Most importantly you need to take no crap when it comes to them feeling sorry for themselves some times tough love is needed and you need to let him know that while you are supportive you are not a walk over, and if it means no paying for the little luxuries for a while to drive home the point so be it

best of luck OP